I feel rather silly about this, but I guess I'm just having one of those days. I decided to clean out the closet yesterday to rewash and reorganize some of my clothes that haven't been pulled out in ages. I'm glad I held onto some of the bigger shirts, they'll come in handy for the pregnancy. I also have a handful of things that I'm on the verge of fitting into comfortably, but they'll have to wait until sometime next year after I've had the baby. Anyway, I sorted through some of the shirts to try on today, and I'm simply not happy with anything.
I'm an apple so I'm used to having a big stomach, and since I'm only 11 weeks along it hasn't really gotten bigger; my waist measurement is still the same (although I think things have shifted around since my jeans are no longer comfortable) and I'm actually 4 pounds lighter than before I conceived. So I'm sure it's all in my head, but anything and everything I tried on made me feel horribly, utterly fat, as if I looked 6 months pregnant rather than almost 2. Heh, I can only imagine how I'll look later on!
I don't speak to the doctor again until Monday, but I found out this morning that my blood sugar tested high and that I'll have to take the 3-hour glucose test in order to determine if I have gestational diabetes. I've been hoping my current diet would be enough to keep things under control but we'll see how the test goes so I can find out what I need to do from there.
My breaking point came a few minutes ago when an old friend on FB posted a photo of the abs she's worked so hard for, of all things. While I'm genuinely happy for her, I lamented about how my stomach will never even remotely look decent without surgery, no matter how much I might lose (I already have a lot of loose skin after losing 150 pounds and still have at least 60 to go once I can get back to a deficit). I know it's not fair for anyone to make comparisons and it's not as if I even want abs . . . just dammit, I'm sick of this stomach and I've been working so hard to make it smaller than my hips, and it seems so far away now. My waist is currently the smallest
it has ever
been at 45"; I feel silly complaining about it and I know a lot of it has to be hormones right now, but I've been crying. I'm sick of being fat and am frustrated that I can't do anything more about it until after the baby arrives. And don't get me wrong, I'm so thankful for finally being pregnant and am doing everything I can to be healthy. Maybe I'm worried about the glucose test. Maybe I'm just tired and stressed. Maybe it's way too easy to forget how far I've come and how much healthier I am now than I was at my highest. I know I'll feel better soon, but for now I just want to curl up in a ball and cry.