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I've gotten really fat since the last time he saw me...

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Old 05-23-2013, 05:50 PM   #1
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Default I've gotten really fat since the last time he saw me...

This is going to be long...pull up a chair, grab a cup of tea or wine and plan to be here for a while.

So, 5 years ago I was happily engaged to the most wonderful human being on the face of this earth. Not even exaggerating there. At the time I weighed about 170. He is in the military and was re-stationed many many thousands of miles away from me and our relationship didn't make it. We broke up. I still loved him though and over the course of the next two years I visited him twice when I was traveling in his area, both times I visited him I was about 155-170.

Recently he contacted me after not being in contact for almost three years. He had been in a relationship with a very insecure woman who demanded that he not stay in touch with me. She did have a reason to be insecure, we have never fallen out of love with each other. Anyways, they broke up a year ago and he just found the gumption to get in touch with me again. He has been re-stationed again, even further away from where I am. But, his words "I want us to be together. If you still want me I'm yours." OF COURSE I STILL WANT HIM.

Big ol' fat problem though. I'm 220+ lbs now (this am's weigh in). I've been honest with him that I've gained a lot of weight and I'm really insecure about it. He keeps asking for pics of me and I only send him face shots (with a million filters applied, lol). He sends me pics all the time, and he's dreamy. And thinner then when we were together. I just can't bring myself to send him a body pic. He says he doesn't care if I'm "big" that I'm beautiful no matter what but...at the same time I know how he harps on the bigger sister of his.

I've been struggling to shift weight. I've been low carbing for 10 months and I've lost 38 lbs but its slow going. And now he wants me to fly down and see him in August. I think I can only manage to lose maybe 10 lbs by then if I'm lucky. I'm just a slow loser, I accept that and I'm not going to hurt myself trying. And I so desperately want to see him, and be together finally. He has one more year of service and then he's retiring and wants to plan a life together.

I feel so insecure and lost. Like, if I go see him and I'm physically unattractive to him will he rethink a forever with me? Part of the reason why I've gained so much is because I've been so unhappy the last three years, like, miserably unhappy with my life. I feel better now but that's not a miracle weight loss drug in itself. I feel bad. I have been honest with him about being fat, but I haven't told him exactly how much I gained, or sent him a full body shot so he can put it into perspective so I feel like I'm deceiving him in some way. But he knows how insecure I am about my weight, I always have been. He probably thinks I'm exaggerating how fat I am...but, we've been talking since early April and the quote I cited earlier, that was April 25th. I've only managed to lose 2 lbs since then.

Now on to the big huuuuuuuge elephant in the room today. He wants to video chat tonight. I just...I...don't even know...omg just typing that out made the knots in my stomach return, heart palpitation...when he first texted me the request to do so this morning I literally cried with shame.

I don't know what I need from this post. Advice? yes. First hand accounts of similar situations? Yes. reality check? ya, that too. I live in my head and this is literally the first time I've put this out there for anyone to know about. I've only told one friend that we are back together because it just won't feel real to me until I go and visit him...so...catch 22 there for sure.
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Old 05-23-2013, 05:56 PM   #2
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Shouldn't be a problem. (I'm not saying it won't be a problem...just saying that it shouldn't be.)
My husband married me at my heaviest weight ever. (And my husband weighs 135 pounds. I weighed about 250 pounds.)


If you were engaged at one point- you probably feel pretty comfortable telling him anything- tell him what you told us.

If he really loves you- he would would want you to be healthy, but not love you less because of your size. My mom always posed the question, "What if you got a medical condition that forced you to gain weight? Would he be supportive of you? Would he still love you?"

True love doesn't see size.
(Look, I even found a picture:
)
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Old 05-23-2013, 05:58 PM   #3
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I feel for you, for what's going on inside your head. I wish I had the perfect solution to make you feel better about this, but I don't.

The only things I can offer are moral support, a hug, and this possible suggestion: send him a full body pic before the chat. If it were me, and the chat was the first time he saw me with the weight I would be completely focused on what he thinks and trying to read him. If you're worried about how he's going process it give him time to process it.

It sounds like he loves you, no matter what. Don't doubt him.
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Old 05-23-2013, 06:00 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lunarsongbird View Post
Shouldn't be a problem. (I'm not saying it won't be a problem...just saying that it shouldn't be.)
My husband married me at my heaviest weight ever. (And my husband weighs 135 pounds. I weighed about 250 pounds.)

If you were engaged at one point- you probably feel pretty comfortable telling him anything- tell him what you told us.

If he really loves you- he would would want you to be healthy, but not love you less because of your size. My mom always posed the question, "What if you got a medical condition that forced you to gain weight? Would he be supportive of you? Would he still love you?"

True love doesn't see size.
Yup, This. I don't even have anything to add!
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Old 05-23-2013, 06:00 PM   #5
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Well, the man says he's going to feel this way either way. And really, if he didn't, I don't know if he'd be as great of a guy as he seems. Now, obviously people need to have an emotional, mental AND physical attraction to a person in order for anything to work. But at the same time, if he were to "put his feelings aside" because you've gained some weight.. I don't know, thats a bit of a deal breaker for me.

My advice? Do a video chat with him. Wear something flattering, but not deceiving. By that I mean don't wear 4 things of shape wear to appear to have lost 10 more pounds then you're at now. Be honest, as you want honesty with him as well. You had a long, lasting relationship with him before. He obviously know you as a person, inside and out. Therefore you should be able to trust him with feelings. Tell him you're on a lifestyle change. Be honest about everything. Be comfortable and self confident about the weight you HAVE lost. In my experience, men are attracted to self confidence. You CAN do this. If you have to get emotional, then so be it. But being so open, vulnerable and raw to someone who you've had a past with (in a positive way), shows your inner strength. And to me, that's sexy. Of course I'm not a man, but my boyfriend of 6 years has told me the same.

You might not be where you want to be right now, but one day you will get there. And your progress so far is proof of that. The rest will fall in to place.
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Old 05-23-2013, 06:00 PM   #6
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We honestly make it worse in our head then it is. I say just show him, get it over with and you can move forward and stop dreading the "what if". It's something you can't change (unless you wait 10 months before seeing him/video chatting). So since you can't change it, just accept it, take a deep breath and be proud of who you are and what you have lost so far (40 pounds!!!).

I'll also add the "fake it till you make it!" quote. Confidence outshines our insecurities on certain things. Since you are nervous to show him, act like your confident with your body and he will only notice your confidence. Make jokes about it, tell him the amazing progress you've made. If you act like your okay with it (but still wanting to change it), it will make you seem 1000x sexier.
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Old 05-23-2013, 06:32 PM   #7
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If he's going to reject you based on your weight, he's not worth it anyway. Go see him! If it turns into something serious, well then great! If not, all you've lost is a plane ticket.
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Old 05-23-2013, 06:39 PM   #8
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First of all, read your avatar.

And secondly, I can sort of relate. Well, at least the part about the whole long-distance thing and being self conscious about weight.

I hooked up with an online friend when I was a size 24 at 285 pounds. I was scared to death of how he'd view my body, was nervous about video chats, and especially frightened about meeting him in person.

Now granted, we didn't have any sort of relationship when I was thinner so he had no former ideal vision of me. Um, unless you want to count my cute/hot avatar! But I found out my weight never mattered to him, we were in love long before our outward appearances even became part of the picture. We're now married and are expecting our first baby.

If he really loves you, your weight isn't going to matter. So you have to ask yourself, are you more embarrassed about your weight or are you more worried about whether or not he really loves you? If it's about the weight, be kind to yourself and remember that it's something you're working on. If it's about whether or not he really loves you, he's not worth it if it all it takes to chase him away is a few extra pounds.
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Old 05-23-2013, 06:56 PM   #9
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I feel for you. I can totally identify. I've been in the same place, and definitely had the same thoughts. The thing is, if he really means that, and really loves you .... he won't change his mind about wanting you. If he did - not saying that will happen, at all - that would tell you how much he actually cares or if he does. And were he like that, who'd want to be with a shallow person? But from what you'd said about him being a really nice guy, I'm sure your fears and dreads will not be validated. Go for the video chat. Don't bash yourself about your body. You are no better or worse than anyone, and you are not less worthy of love, care, or respect. Remind yourself of that when you are feeling that way. So go for the video call. There is no way to see what would happen, if you don't. If you avoid it, or push him away because of the insecurities - not just the video chat but in whatever way - you'll never have the chance to know. Hold your head high, hun.
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Old 05-23-2013, 07:17 PM   #10
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If he loves you then let himself you and try your best to be secure, make sure you smile and laugh, don't cross your arms over yourself. Just be YOU! Good luck! And you're worth it, just have to make sure he knows that!
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Old 05-23-2013, 07:50 PM   #11
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Hugs

If he loves you, he will accept you.
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Old 05-23-2013, 09:32 PM   #12
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Give him the chance to show you what a wonderful man he is. He will be your biggest supporter in weight loss.

My husband actually texted "wooo hooo" yesterday to me when I told him what the official WI said. So cute. He's my biggest fan.
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Old 05-23-2013, 10:18 PM   #13
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This is someone you know well. It's not like he's a new acquaintance. He loves YOU -- not the idea of what you looked like several years ago. And, you say it may be a year before you can be together again, so... what a lot you can accomplish in that year! And, weight loss is much easier when you're HAPPY!

I'm wondering if there's something in the reason that you broke up that makes you think he'll reject you now? It must've been something significant, since you loved him so. Don't overlook the past just to be with someone. If you can move forward confidently, do. Just don't set yourself up for another heartbreak. Be realistic. Write things out. That always helps me process things that I'm over thinking.

Hope it all works out. I believe in TRUE LOVE!
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Old 05-24-2013, 08:07 AM   #14
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If he loves you he honestly won't care if you're 120 lbs or 500 lbs.

I gained over a hundred pounds throughout my relationship with my husband and he never for a moment stopped loving me. I was harder on myself than anything. And even now that I've lost, my husband tells me at least once a week that he hopes I'm doing this for myself and to be healthy and not for him.

Just be honest and focus on the positive - you've lost almost 40 lbs!
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Old 05-24-2013, 08:36 AM   #15
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I guess I am going to give some unsolisitated advice, and apologize in advance if I upset anyone. I just want to give a perspective from another angle....

I had boyfriend for several years that was my first love. He was quite a bit older than me, not substationally, but old enough my parents loudly objected to me dating him to the point that he finally broke up with me. I was devestated. I mean, I was 18, he was 21 when he dumped me...not like we were breaking any taboos really. Over the next several years, we stayed in touch via emal and phone. And I steadily gained weight. When he and I had first got together, I was roughly 160 pounds. When he dumped me, I was ranging 220.

Anyways, he moved out of state, I moved on pathetically and gained even more weight, topping out at 271 the next time I saw him (by this point, I was seeing a man casually, who would later become my husband.) Anyways, when my ex saw me, it was by pure chance, but he proceeded to fawn over me, tell me I was beautiful, tell me I was amazing, tell me the worst thing he ever did was listen to my parents, and he didn't care about my weight, and on and on and on. It was amazing. It was heaven. It was like the past was coming back and would be perfect...but...

Thing is, he was being honest about it. And up until that point, I had honestly believed I had never stopped being in love with him. Don't get me wrong, I do still love him, even today...but it was spending that time with him after several years that I realized that I wasn't IN love with him anymore. By this point and time, too much had changed between us, hobbies had changed, interests had changed, friends had changed. The only thing that didn't was we both still had a strong attraction to one another and a deep emotional conncetion. But...that was the day I realized I was in love with the man who would later become my husband, not with the ex.

I guess what I am getting at is, he probably really doesn't care about the weight. Send him a picture. I know mine didn't care, not in the slightest, and he used to have a tendency to rag on heafy people. It's different when you carry someone on that pedistool. But, don't go getting your hopes up to relive what once was. It may be there....or it may not. Time has a way of changing people in more ways than just physically. Sometimes for the worse, and many times for the better. I really do hope you find what you are looking for with him, and vice versa, afterall, who doesn't love a good fairy tale, a happpily ever after, and a TRUE love such as that, I know I do!!!

...but please, pretty please, don't put any expectations on the future until you guys know for sure. I guess I am saying, go in with guarded hope. I don't mean to be a downer, and apologize if I come off sounding as such. I know in my case it was a bittersweet discovery....I hated the thought of never reliving that past romance again...but I loved the thought of living the future with the man who is my all, my everything.

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