Part of me wants to stop losing weight and even gain it back. When I was at my highest, I felt more invisible. I feel less invisible now, and it's really ramped up my social anxiety.
I rarely exercise anymore. I know that I should. I should just go for a walk or if the weather is bad, ride my stationary recumbent bike. But I just don't do it because exercise hurts and apparently I've turned into a wimp. That expensive bike has turned into a clothes hangar.
I have a tendency to drop my calories very low. Theoretically I'm eating 1200 a day, but I have 800 and 900 days. I find eating very little easier than eating moderately sometimes.
When I REALLY want to see the scale drop, I sometimes take off my bracelet and earrings. I always weigh stark naked. I won't weigh in after my shower because my hair holds several ounces of water. (why do I know this??? what normal person would know something like that???)
Also, I have a tendency to drop my calories very low. Sometimes it's easier to eat very little than to eat moderately.
I confess I wish the nights away so I can weigh myself in the morning to check my progress. (My home scale doesn't count, only my doctor's office but still. I check it. Every.single.day.)
I confess that I was sad today when my husband told me I was starting to get a face like the "old" me. I know he said it as a compliment but I know he meant my younger, thinner self from more than 15 years ago. And then...I ran to the mirror to check her out, yep she's emerging (just a more aged version!).
I confess that I like running into people for the first time since I lost some weight. Someone tonight told my husband she recognized him but not me and did I lose a lot of weight or something? I never know what to say to these blunt people, they stump me every time!
I think and then get disappointed in my self for not loosing weight sooner in my life. Sooner so that I might have actually had children and a family. Weight and lack of confidence stopped me from even trying. Weight has also kept me from doing and enjoying things I love in life.... GUESS I am a 2nd halfer LOL YEP!
Lately, if I don't feel like making something to eat for lunch or dinner that'd be harder to count the calories of, or I can't be bothered making it, I have been drinking a glass of Green Goodness instead.
I confess I am having the most impossible time getting back on track this time, I find myself eating things I shouldn't because I WANT them, yet HATING myself for my weakness even before I have finished ordering/prepping/eating... yet I can't make the self disgust I am feeling stop myself, makes me want the comfort of what I want to eat even more.... I'm sure I need a shrink or something to deal with this but feel to ashamed to seek one out
I confess that I'm too embarrassed to confess my confessions. I've written and deleted a post in this thread about 9 times today.
We are here to listen when/if you decide. I changed mine too before posting. I sounded so petty in mine but they are confessions I'm carrying in my heart and afraid to put them in print.
I keep telling myself how wonderfully patient I am, looking at all my progress and having every reason to be very proud. I mean, 150 lbs. lost? How is that not completely awesome?
And I occasionally break down because it's not happening fast enough. I average .91 lb. a week when I'm doing my very best, and only .31 lb. per week since I first started this journey nine years ago. One of my apps predicts that it'll take seven more years to hit my goal.
...When I was at my highest, I felt more invisible. I feel less invisible now, and it's really ramped up my social anxiety.
I feel this way, too. I'm very uncomfortable with compliments. I don't go anywhere to meet men, but I dread that kind of interaction. I just don't know how to act. The last time I lost a significant amount of weight, I had so much anxiety around men that when I got away, the first thing I wanted to do was EAT!
