So I recently met this guy who has been so sweet and really into me. He just moved from Texas and he has been flirty and texts me almost daily to hang out. Ive never had a real relationship and never had a guy pay me so much attention... obviously Ive liked it. Not to mention, Ive been feeling more confident since losing about 25 lbs (even though I obviously have a ways to go) but Ive been dressing nicer and wearing more makeup.
I guess hanging out w/ him maybe me forgot I was fat! Forget that people cared. I dont know what I was thinking.
I hung out w/ his brother and "my guy" tonight. We we drinking, watching movies, having a good time. He was being flirty and so I was I. I was having a good time.
And then..
"Have you always been this big?"
All i could do was stare at his brother. Like, did he just say that? And he didn't stop!
"Is your whole family big?... Is your brother?" "Idk" "How do you not know?" *stares at phone* "Well, my mom died from being overweight I don't want it to happen to you" *awkward silence*
I wanted to cry. I wanted to die. Like, i still want to die. The whole mood shifted in the house. I couldn't help it. I left about 15 mins later. I didn't want to leave in a awkward huff but I HAD TO GET OUT OF THERE. Gooshhhhh
I don't know who to hate or be mad at. I HATE his brother. I hate "my guy" too though, I can't help it. I never want to see either of them ever again. I deleted all of our text messages, thinking of deleting "my guys" number.
How could the brother do that ? Why would he do that? All I can think is what was my guy thinking when his brother said this? Did he agree? Do they just make fun of me when I leave?
"HAHAH that fat ***** actually thinks Im into her. Im just bored bc I haven't met anyone here yet."
I wanna die.
I'm pretty sure this is rock bottom. I'm certain Ive never been here before.
Sorry guys. Needed to vent. Couldn't think straight while I was driving home. Feeling better - well, sort of.
Last edited by ASaladandaDream; 03-15-2013 at 09:03 PM.
First of all: breath. And then breath again. (and stay away from the food) *hug*
I think tomorrow, after you've calmed down, you might want to send a text to your friend, not the brother (who is the one that said the nasty things, right?), explaining how that made you feel. If he did nothing to defend you or to shush his brother, then I'd have a hard time being with someone like that. But also, you were all drinking, correct? Maybe his brother is not normally like that, maybe your friend was a bit tipsy and didn't understand what was being said. I mean I'm trying to remember the last few times I drank and I can only remember bits and pieces of stuff. Not all of it. I'd definitely explain first before you delete his number. If you do continue the fashion, explain that you'd rather not be around his brother if possible.
I think I'd text something like, "Last night when your brother made those comments on my weight, it really hurt. What might have hurt worse was the fact that you didn't defend me. I've lost 25 pounds and I'm proud of that. But if I'm too disgusting to be around you, then I guess this is goodbye. I am not someone that is here to be made fun of. I am not entertainment cause I'm the fat girl. I'm a real human being with feelings. My feelings were VERY hurt."
And remember that people tend to offer weight loss advice when you are bigger. No matter what. Most of them are well intentioned, too! I was holding a hoopdance workshop and another lady suggested that I follow the "simple diet" to lose weight. Funny thing is that I had already tried it and didn't like it! Since everyone was drinking it's hard to tell if he meant it in a mean way or if he was just wanting to help.
OK. I really don't think they made fun of you after you left. In fact, I see signs (awkward, weird signs) that the socially-inept brother knows that guy quite likes you. - i.e.- "I wouldn't want you to die..." I reckon he's trying to protect his brother's heart.
I can understand that you would feel uncomfortable and upset about that. But don't let an awkward conversation ruin your fun.
Yea, what made it weird is that his mom passed like a week ago from heat troubles that she had had for 15 years.
That's the only thing that lets me know the brother probably was trying to get some laughs at my expense...
But seriously? That only makes me feel worse.
Thanks for the help guys. I need to breath and sleep on it. I will probably text him tomorrow about what his brother said.
I didn't delete his number, I typed it in my computer and deleted it from my phone. I guess I feel better thinking I never have to see either of them again if I don't want to.
The whole situation just changed the way I felt about my "guy." I feel like Ill never be able to flirt w/ him, txt him, talk to him, SEE him w/o thinking about that conversation.
Thanks again for your insights. Hearing others point of view stops my mind from jumping to crazy scenarios and conclusions.
what made it weird is that his mom passed like a week ago from heat troubles that she had had for 15 years.
If the mother recently passed, then he's probably dealing with grief. Grief + drinking = crazy emotions. Maybe he blames the weight problem on her death. For all we know, he's though, "if only she lost the weight, she wouldn't have died!" Unless the mother was as thin as a rail.
OK. I really don't think they made fun of you after you left. In fact, I see signs (awkward, weird signs) that the socially-inept brother knows that guy quite likes you. - i.e.- "I wouldn't want you to die..." I reckon he's trying to protect his brother's heart.
I can understand that you would feel uncomfortable and upset about that. But don't let an awkward conversation ruin your fun.
I agree with this whole post. I want to believe the brother was coming from a concerned place especially with the mom passing away within a week ago. I know I would be an emotional mess. Drinking and being emotional, the bro probably didn't realize he was being an azzhat asking you all that. I would be upset too totally 100%. Hopefully tomorrow will be better and hopefully the brother will apologize for his words.
Sometimes we allow our insecurities to rule our lives. I don't actually think he was making fun if you. Was it insensitive very much so, was it rude very much so. Does he probably feel like a jerk I'd imagine so. I bet your guy was extremely embarrassed and upset that his brother upset you, hurt you and ruined the night. Don't assume it was meant in the way you think it was when your hurting. Give the guy a chance to react when he isn't drunk and most likely mortified. Grief will cause people to act strangely add drinking and things go from bad to worse. And if they turn out to be jerks don't allow them to pollute you. That is their issue. Know your worth and dont let them take your shine away. Give him chance then decide if you never want anything to do with him.
I agree with Thinforme- I would not put anything in a text.
If this bothers you have a face to face talk with a let him know your feelings.
Face to face you can read body language ,hear his voice inflections and he can do the same.sometimes we all step in it! Let him explain his side and allow yourself to hear his explaination ...then you can decide how to proceed from there
I was taught as a child think 3 times before speaking ! I think my Mom was a wise woman to instill that in me. Once something is said even if an apology is given it does not erase what was said, that's where Grace comes in and you forgive and move forward.
Good Luck, I hope you hear what your hoping for
Roo2
Sorry that you're hurting from this, but remember that it's not up to others to defend us. You've just met this guy recently. You need to stand up for yourself in a mature, not panicky way. Why do you ask me that? Is a response - why do you want to know, etc. - that puts the question back to them and you find out either why they want to know something personal and you don't answer either. I think if you were a child, yes, he should have spoken up in a child's defense - but with three adults together ... I would never expect my husband to speak up for me in my defense when we are together - if it's something behind my back when he's at work, then that's a different situation.
Nothing from your posts sounded like he was ridiculing you for your weight. Don't add perceived insults that may have never happened and feel pain for things that didn't occur. Life will always be **** if we try to predict what people are saying/doing when we're not around. They might not have even thought any more about you/your departure.
The telling thing he said is his mother died because of being overweight. He's obviously concerned for his brother, and you. Why didn't you tell him you were working on your weight and had lost 25 pounds?
Thanks to all of you for responding to my frustration and helping me think through the situation logically. I'm no longer angry or hurt, but I do still want to talk to "my guy" about what his brother said in person.
Looking back, I see the brother wasn’t really trying to be mean or call me out at all. He was drunk and he has been very upset about his mother passing. Also, I have noticed that he is a very blunt person that says what is on his mind – he’s not so good at picking up body language or cues on what isn’t cool to say.
I was so angry initially because I felt attacked - after all, the brother brought up my family and brother. He mentioned his mom dying and I felt like he was telling me I was going to die. I didn’t think about what he was going through I just felt ashamed, attacked, and hurt.
Damiere – thanks you’re right. I do want to talk to “my guy” about how I felt when his brother said it. I want to talk to him in person though, and if I don’t say anything I know it will just continue to bother me.
AlmostMe – Thanks for this comment! You’re right I wasn’t really listening to what he was saying. I just heard the word “big” and shut down. It’s a habit. I can be very sensitive. And since I was around a guy I like I guess I felt quite vulnerable.
Amandie – 100% agree. I don’t think he will apologize for bringing it up because Ive realized he is kind of socially awkward. If I ever hang out w/ him again, I’ll let him know how what he said made me feel.
Thinforme – 100% true! Even when typing the original post I didn’t think about the fact that his mom died recently (Idk how I forgot, he talks about it a lot). I know that he wouldn’t make jokes that involved his mother who I can tell he adored. In the moment, all I could think about were my feelings and embarrassment and anger and I completed stopped listening to what he was actually saying and shut down. I need to work on that.
Roo2 – So true. He has texted me today and it’s been so hard for me not to bring it up and Ive been kind of weird toward him. But I don’t even think I can say how I feel correctly unless we are face to face
Nationalparker – Completely true and im not mad at “myguy.” Btw, my “guy” was the one who changed the subject because I literally sat there staring blankly at his brother. I was so caught off guard with the question that I froze, and I’m sure the alcohol had a lot to do with my response or lack thereof.
QuilterinVA – Idk why I didn’t mention that. To be honest, I guess I’m not that proud of it. Yes, I’m glad to have lost 25lbs. but I clearly have a ways to go. It’s just not something that I feel is “brag-worthy” and I also don’t feel comfortable talking about it w/ a guy I like. Weight is a sensitive subject for me (as you can probably guess since I reacted so strongly to this situation which actually wasn’t mean at all). I just don’t feel comfortable talking about it w/ many people AT ALL. Maybe I need to adopt a new mindset about it, but hey you live and you learn.
Yea, what made it weird is that his mom passed like a week ago from heat troubles that she had had for 15 years.
That's the only thing that lets me know the brother probably was trying to get some laughs at my expense...
Ok you need to hold up a second here. His mother just DIED. I don't know if you have had the unfortunate experience of having someone close to you die, but you go absolutely OUT OF YOUR MIND when someone close to you dies, especially your own mother. I know, as I have just experienced my bf's mother dying and my best friend's brother just died.
Honestly? I know it might have hurt your feelings, but I'm going to say you need to give him and his brother a huge PASS on crazy things they might say in this greiving period. This is not about you, this is about them dealing with their mother's death. You can't take it personally.
Edit: I guess what I want to say is, the brother probably didn't mean to be rude or hurt your feelings, it just came out in a really awkward, blunt and inappropriate way due to his drinking and dealing with his mom's death. I don't think he meant to hurt you.
Last edited by BreathingSpace; 03-17-2013 at 03:58 PM.
Vent
