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Healthy Mindset Help

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Old 02-14-2013, 08:56 AM   #1
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Default Healthy Mindset Help

Comments from a good friend and family members:
"Ugh, I just weighed in at 170. I feel so fat and disgusting. I can't believe I did this to myself."

...or

"I will NEVER allow myself to ever put on a size 16. I will go naked and starve before I ever buy that size."

... maybe

"Gah! I only lost a lbs this week. Completely unacceptable!!"

Ever hear anything like that? Ever smile politely while someone complains about their "unacceptable weight" which happens to be very close to your goal? Or that your next goal size, is one they'd never allow themselves to wear? Et al. I'm trying hard not to let someone else's hang up on shame/guilt talk regarding weight or what they want THEIR ideal weight/size to be, effect my perception of what is right for me. But wow, its really, really hard.

Any good advice out there on how to combat that sort of thing?


Edit: I re-read what I wrote and recognized that perhaps it came off as some sort of catty comment towards people here. That was completely not my intent whatsoever. In reality, I've never personally had anything other than support here. In addition have never taken anyone else's comments about their weight loss goals and so forth as minimizing my own.
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Last edited by SarahFairhope : 02-14-2013 at 11:33 AM. Reason: Clarification
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Old 02-14-2013, 09:17 AM   #2
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I remind myself that there are people who are thinking that about me, too.

Although I often feel heavy and unattractive at my current weight, there are people on this list who would really be happy to get down to this point. There are people (esp in featherweights) who are starting at my goal weight.

I don't participate in any of the decluttering threads because that's not an issue for me, or at least, only at a featherweight level. I wouldn't let my house get to that cluttered state. BUT, that doesn't make me better or look down on those who do--it's that my trigger point is set differently.

OTH, I participated heavily (in learning mode) on a decorating forum, because my house isn't "decorated" and "put together". (I've only taken a break from that because dieting takes time!) There are no doubt people who would say "I'd never live in a house that didn't have window treatments on all the windows or where the bookcases aren't a set." Diferent trigger point setting.

There are people better off than me, people worse off that me. There are people who make "better" choices about (style, money, career, housing...) and people who make "worse" ones.

We all do our best from where we are--and mostly, other's decisions and triggers aren't related to ours--and they don't even think about how their goals are correlated with ours.
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Old 02-14-2013, 09:28 AM   #3
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One man's ceiling is another man's floor
Whatever your truth is embrace it

March to the beat of your own drum
Everyone gets to decorate their own Cake of life,Some adore Chocolate some detest it! Does not have to alter your feelings

I am secure enough on what my health goals are for myself ...not be swayed or insulted by others choices are for themselves.
I extend others the courtesy to express their true feelings of what they find acceptable weight/ health for themselves.
If someone calls themselves Fat at whatever weight they are it is not my place to try to discourage or alter that opinion. Now if I having a conversation with them I might ask ....what steps are you taking to remedy the problem you are having?
Sometimes people put out False objections or Dramatic shocking statements and you have to let roll off your shoulder and not assume it is related to you...and even if it is ...does it really in the Grand Scheme of Things matter! Not at all .
Make choices that are healthy and that provide you the chances of achieving the progress desired my YOU!
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Old 02-14-2013, 11:07 AM   #4
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As I posted not long ago in a different thread (and not my own saying, I've read it here before) everyone's starting weight is someone else's goal weight.

So yes, while I understand that it feels a little odd, maybe even hurtful for someone to be so disdainful of a weight or clothing size that would be a huge accomplishment for you, we are all on our own personal journey.

And generally speaking, even when people are negative about themselves at a weight that seems perfectly fine to me, they are still supportive of me and my journey. They might freak out at the idea of weighing 240 lbs themselves, but they still cheer me on and are happy if I can get to 239.

Basically, I'd say to ignore threads/comments like that unless they are directed specifically at you. Maybe avoid forums completely if you feel like they bring you down. I won't deny that the 100 lb Club is my favorite place here, because everyone gets it and is supportive (and honestly, even when people whose starting weight is lower than 200 post here, they still seem very enthusiastic and supportive). Don't let someone else make you feel badly about yourself, esp. when their negativity is really self-directed anyway.
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Old 02-14-2013, 11:25 AM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by April Snow View Post
Basically, I'd say to ignore threads/comments like that unless they are directed specifically at you. Maybe avoid forums completely if you feel like they bring you down. I won't deny that the 100 lb Club is my favorite place here, because everyone gets it and is supportive (and honestly, even when people whose starting weight is lower than 200 post here, they still seem very enthusiastic and supportive). Don't let someone else make you feel badly about yourself, esp. when their negativity is really self-directed anyway.
You know, I actually have never had a problem reading anything online here or elsewhere about other peoples' goals etc. I've only had an emotional reaction when its people in my personal life.

For whatever reason, forums etc. never bug me and I'm completely able to keep it in perspective. But when its a good friend or family who goes on and on, it stings. And I can't quite get why.
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Old 02-14-2013, 11:38 AM   #6
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I think youre all right about the perspective. Other people choices and set points *should not* feel demeaning to my own.

And for most aspects in life, they don't. Like the other day, a friend was going on about needing to look at the new lease options at the dealership. She would never be caught dead in a car older than 3 years. I on the other hand, have always paid cash for my cars and would not consider the idea of having a car payment. To each her own.

But I guess the reason that doesnt bug me, is because I'm confident in my choice to pay cash for cars and not drive/buy new. My weight loss goals, not so much. And I guess that is really the issue. How can I get confident in my weight loss goal. When when/how will I be able to say, "for me, this is what is right"

Hmmm...
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Old 02-14-2013, 11:53 AM   #7
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sorry Sarah, I misread your original post and thought you were referring to comments you've read on 3fc. And I won't deny there are some that are some comments like what you posted. Just to clarify, I didn't mean to avoid all online Forums in general, I meant to avoid specific subforums if they didn't feel helpful - but of course, that wasn't what you were referring to in the first place!

and yeah, I can absolutely understand it feeling more hurtful when it's coming from someone in person. But like you said, it's probably part of the journey and tied to your own feelings about weight loss.

And let's face it, society judges being overweight far differently than it does with people who have a monthly car payment! So even though it's easy to say you should be as confident about your weight and diet choices and weight loss goal as you are about your choice to pay cash for your cars, it's hard to do that when the messages about weight are so pervasive.
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Old 02-14-2013, 12:02 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by April Snow View Post
sorry Sarah, I misread your original post and thought you were referring to comments you've read on 3fc. And I won't deny there are some that are some comments like what you posted. Just to clarify, I didn't mean to avoid all online Forums in general, I meant to avoid specific subforums if they didn't feel helpful - but of course, that wasn't what you were referring to in the first place!

and yeah, I can absolutely understand it feeling more hurtful when it's coming from someone in person. But like you said, it's probably part of the journey and tied to your own feelings about weight loss.

And let's face it, society judges being overweight far differently than it does with people who have a monthly car payment! So even though it's easy to say you should be as confident about your weight and diet choices and weight loss goal as you are about your choice to pay cash for your cars, it's hard to do that when the messages about weight are so pervasive.
I think I was unclear too. But really, I think actually helped me. I never recognized that here, those same exact comments sometimes don't phase me one little bit. And Im sure you are right, weight and appearance is so much more socially charged. I guess its probably the socially charge bits plus having someone look at me when they are talking and feeling "judgement" towards me when they are obviously just talking about themselves. Ugh, I swear, at least for me, this weight loss stuff has been 97% getting my head in the right spot. Its tough work!
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Old 02-14-2013, 05:32 PM   #9
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I had an acquaintance who totally bashed whatever food that was her OBSESSION.

"Donuts are the most disgusting things in the world."
"I don't know HOW people eat that much ice cream and don't puke."
"Ew. Chocolate is gross."

It drove me crazy. She felt like she had to vehemently HATE a thing in order to not be tempted by it. And I think sometimes people do that with sizes or pounds or a number on a scale (or heck loads of other politically sensitive topics).

I tried to gently chastise her into a reality check. As I would your friends. Sometimes people have NO CLUE they are being so insensitive or ridiculous and you just have to be like, "170??! Heck, I would give up my nostril for 170. But man, I understand being frustrated about gaining weight."
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Old 02-14-2013, 05:59 PM   #10
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I totally get what you're saying.

One of my best friends laments constantly about how fat she is, I'd kill to be that skinny. But honestly everyone's perception of themselves is so warped that when people make comments like that they are honestly caught up in their own little bubble.

So how do you deal with it? You remember that "someone's starting weight is someone's goal weight and someone's goal weight is someone else's starting weight."

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