New Romance...
 

Okay - so here is the deal. I have a gentleman friend that I have known and been very close friends with for 25 years. We met as college freshmen and dated a bit back then.

He knows that I have gotten very heavy (peaked past 280 - never knew what that number really was). I told him how I started this ideal protein program and am losing weight and that I have 160 pounds to lose, and how to keep myself motivated I have set goals and rewards for myself every so many pounds. He is so very supportive and he told me that when I get to 175 my "reward" is that he will come visit me for a week.

Well, I am 36 pounds away from that goal and we have started talking and making plans. I have a very good feeling this may become in time more than a friendship.

I am so very insecure about how I look, how much more loose saggy skin I will have in another 36 pounds. I haven't been on a single date in as much as 10 years - so I am totally out of practice.

I guess my issue is - how do you gain confidence in how you look? I love who I am, I accept who I am (got to love being in your 40's - all of that comes so much easier) but I just can't find it in me to feel sexy. How do you get there?

Congrats on your weightloss, you have done amazing!!!

Have you bought new intimates? (For you, not for him!) I always feel better if I have a nice matching set on even if no one ever sees them.

I bought a new dress the other day and dressed myself up (and stayed home lol) with the dress, black tights, black heels, jewelry, the works. My husband was shocked to see me not in my workout clothes or standard jeans/sweatshirt. I really felt special too. Maybe I should have taken him up on his offer to go out and show me off but I didn't want to go off my plan. :)

You have worked so hard, I hope you find something that makes you feel like the special person you are!

Congrats all around - on the weight loss and on what must be a wonderful friendship.

I'm in my 60s and I have to agree that being "of a certain age" has lots of advantages. I no longer seek the perfect body. If it's out there, my name was NEVER on it. It's nice to finally realize that!

If this man is even semi intelligent he has to realize what you've accomplished and how amazing it is. He also has to have some idea of what's involved physically. I'd find the most flattering outfit I can find, have a great time, and worry about the possibility of him seeing you without clothes on when it happens. If it does come to that, he's going to be nervous, too. I think things will be great. He's also 25 years older than when you were in college. Time stands still for no one. Just enjoy.

Lin

Ah, but 175 is a surprisingly sexy number! It really is, even with the looser skin.

My only advice is to 'fake it till you make it'. Sexy isn't just clothes. Practice walking confidently, with your shoulders back and eyes forward. Make eye contact with people...smile. Soon you'll notice that people smile back.

Best of luck to you, and keep up the most excellent work! :)

If you think about the people you think are attractive, boys and girls, you'll probably find that looks (as in what you are born with) have surprisingly little to do with it. Attitude and personality play a MUCH bigger role than looks, and actually shape how people perceive you look. That's why there are many movie stars that so controversially hot. (lady gaga)

I have played a lot with this and confidence has a huge huge huge impact on successful interactions. If you think that your weight will affect his perception of you, your self defeating attitude will shape your reaction to his actions. If the meeting isn't successful you would likely blame your weight, but in reality it would probably be your attitude.
You can do a little thought experiment in your head, and think about how you would react to someone telling you you are beautiful. If you are confident you might react differently than if you are feeling ugly, and guess which reaction would be more attractive.

So I guess what I am saying, is that more importantly than trying to fix the outside the inside is much more important. Some things to think about, just like Chrissy said, smile =). It really helps to make you to look and feel happier. Also think positive, assume he will like you, because what's not to like? You are a great person, you are interesting, and fun and just as good and deserving of attraction as anyone else. I had a period of time (not a healthy thing to do) where I just pretended that most guys were attracted to me, I started having lots of guys asking me out and at least wanting to hang out with me. Not everyone I was attracted to was attracted to me, but it didn't matter, I was confident enough to realize that there are many reasons someone might not like me, but very few were directly related to me.

Also instead of thinking, "will he like me?" which will almost certainly lead to you acting desperate (which is extremely unattractive) you should go in with the mindset of, "will I like him?" This puts you on more equal ground. All people have flaws, anybody who's cool will forgive your flaws, otherwise they probably wouldn't be all that much fun anyway. If he isn't will to forgive a little bit of this and that, that would be his flaw not yours.

Okay, sweetie, here is the best advice I can give you. This advice will get you through the rest of your life, I promise.

Fake it.

I get compliments all the time on my confidence (my joie de vivre, my bravery, my happiness) and the truth of the matter is -- I don't start out having those things but what I do is FAKE having those things and then one day POOF, I realize hey! I'm not faking this anymore. I do this at work. I do this at the gym. I do this when I decide I want to do something scary and it works.

Also, when I started dating, someone revealed to me that once women are naked, men don't care. All they're thinking about is, "OMG. I am going to get laid." So don't worry too much. Men are MUCH less judgmental than we are on ourselves.

I would just reiterate that it's important to focus on what YOU want. Are you looking for a man who is loving and kind and accepting? If so, you don't want one obsessed with loose skin. If that is your friend, you are going to keep looking for a romantic partner who is not that shallow, thankyouverymuch.

In preparation for this new world of dating, I have also spent considerable time reading things men have written. This is my conclusion (unscientific). Your looks are for his friends. Guys want to hear, 'Man, your girlfriend is hot.' In the bedroom, they care much more about what you do than how you look. That's part of the reason why very few women have trouble getting laid, but many have challenges getting boyfriends. Just my current theory.

P.S. I told my guy pretty early that how much I weighed was my business, not his. I welcome compliments, support, etc., but I intended to keep losing weight until I felt good about maintaining there. If he needed a woman at a specific weight, he needed to keep looking. :-) He asked me exactly what I needed from him so he could support my goals. Which is part of why he is a keeper.

I needed this!! Thanks. :)

I agree with all the ladies. Confidence is SEXY. Also- I would get my nails done, buy some new lingerie for myself, and buy a new outfit or two. Oh- and sexy shoes.

I also never ever do my hair or makeup, so when I actually put some effort into it- I feel pretty attractive. Even at 240 pounds. ;)

just getting back online after some oral surgery.

Thank you all for such great responses. I think I will take the general advice and see how things go and remember that none of us are perfect and he is well aware of the body issues. I definitely do feel more confident when I make a point of doing my hair and makeup and having clothes that fit properly instead of everything being too small or too big.

Goddess Jessica, you have it right! I am doing that during the day here at work and it is amazing how after a while I dont have to fake whatever it is.

ANd I look at it this way - he would be damned lucky to get the goods that haven't been touched in 7+ years! Almost like being a virg again LOL