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I must learn that I can't eat something because everyone else gets to eat it.

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Old 11-14-2012, 05:25 AM   #1
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Default I must learn that I can't eat something because everyone else gets to eat it.

I need to tatoo this to my brain.

I think that's one of the hardest lessons of my 'food sanity' to learn. I wish I could not feel deprived when others are eating lots of sweets, goodies, pizza, etc.

I have been working on this for years. I have 'waves' of doing it better, being so strong and waves of not being able to do it at all.

I basically must say - 'It's not fair. But, oh well, sometimes things in life aren't fair. If I want to be a healthy weight, then I need to make good food choices.' It frustrates me that DH can eat anything he wants and he doesn't seem to gain any weight. *Sigh*

How do you deal with it?
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Old 11-14-2012, 07:49 AM   #2
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I feel the exact same way! And I deal with it the same way you have.. sometimes being strong and succeeding and then other times giving in. It's been the hardest part of this journey..
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Old 11-14-2012, 09:15 AM   #3
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I feel the same way as well. The other day a friend of mine was telling me about some cookies that she made and how delicious they were. The little voice in my head said "she gets to eat cookies - SO NOT FAIR!"

I really need to get over it. Life's just not fair.
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Old 11-14-2012, 09:17 AM   #4
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Wow me too it makes me feel so deprived. When you figure out this one please come back and post. I there with yaM
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Old 11-14-2012, 09:38 AM   #5
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I too struggle with this. It was especially harder when I was younger, since many people's metabolisms were faster then. Now (I am 40), I mostly hear people complaining about how they can't eat things (after they do).

For example, last night I was at a meeting for my artists' guild, and homemade cookies were served. Many people piled up their plates with 5-6 items per person, but I decided to take one small brownie and a half piece of nut bread. At first, I had an inward pity party, thinking "wah, no fair, how come they get to eat so much!"

Then, I had the brownie -- honestly, it was not that good. Sweet with not much taste. Ditto for the nut bread. The meeting continued. The people at my table who had eaten whole plates of 5-6 cookies complained about how much they had eaten (despite saying it was delicious earlier) so I had to listen to their regrets and complaints about their diet and weight now.

So I guess I learned that listening to others brag or complain doesn't really affect who I am, or how I eat (next time, I will likely skip the desserts entirely, or maybe have 1/2 of an item).

Believe me, this is a lesson I have struggled to learn. Hope this helps you in some way...
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Old 11-14-2012, 09:54 AM   #6
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Your right!why does Yummy stuff have to be bad for us!
My favorite food makes be violently ill at times and bloats by belly like I'm 5 months pregnant ...but there are times when I throw caution to the wind like this time will be different..Not!
Right now I have stayed on program...but I know if I take a bite I"ll be on a FOOD BINDER!!
When DH was in the Military our Chaplain told me a Fair is something that comes around once a year...that has always stuck with me.
Good Luck from a Recovering Junk Food Junkie
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Old 11-14-2012, 10:02 AM   #7
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I think there are those people who can eat as much as they want and not gain weight. However, I think most people can eat a lot in front of us but then later, they might have a very light meal, where as I will continue to gorge and binge on food. This thread has me thinking that I need to focus on eating healthy and rather than wonder why someone else can eat endlessly or eat with moderation (whereas I can't), I can focus on the fact that I don't need to put those harmful foods in my body. They are not a treat. They are actually typically very bad. I've been watching Sugar, the Bitter Truth on youtube and it goes into great lengths to explain that sugar is poison. I'd say the same thing goes for all the other junk.
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Old 11-14-2012, 11:48 AM   #8
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Before I started my weight loss journey (for the third time), I read an article in Essence where Jada Pinkett Smith said that she doesn't eat for pleasure, she eats for nourishment. There were a lot of comments by people who felt that you should be able to eat whatever you want in moderation but moderation doesn't work for everyone. I am one of the people that doesn't do moderation well. I started thinking about how excited I would get to eat and realized that I was living to eat rather than eating to live.

I cut a lot of foods out of my diet and in the beginning, all I could think of was how deprived I was and I would walk through the grocery store aisles looking at all the food I couldn't have. Then I started losing weight and feeling better about myself and I decided that it was my choice to prioritize. I could feel deprived or I could focus on all of the things I get in exchange for the foods I've given up. I get to feel comfortable in my body, I get to go out with my friends, I get to buy new clothes. Those things are more important to me than any food I might like to eat.

Everyone may not need to take it to this extreme and for the people who have found success with moderation...more power to you. It just didn't work for me. And I don't mean to suggest that it isn't hard or that I don't feel deprived at times. I just try to Pollyanna myself out of the funk.
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Old 11-14-2012, 01:02 PM   #9
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I don't deprive myself of anything that I want to eat I just have to eat it in moderation. But sometimes the moderation part is a killer.
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Old 11-14-2012, 01:09 PM   #10
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Thanks, everyone for your thoughts on this.

luckymommy - thanks for the reminder to watch something like Sugar, the Bitter Truth. Good idea.

Chickieboom - the 'eat to live approach' seems like a dream to me. I've done it for patches of time and could never stay with it. Your success give me inspiration that it's possible. I would love to be able to feel that way.

roo2 - I like that definition of 'fair'!

strawberryblond
- that's a good approach. thanks.

bricon - I am beginning to think it's different for everyone (of course)

smallsteps - 'moderation' is another thing I need to tatoo to my brain. LOL

greeneyedmustang - I guess we have to say 'not fair' to ourselves... followed by 'Oh well." LOL

kateleestar - yep - sometimes we do better than other times. I guess no matter which way it goes.. we need to move forward with our healthy food plan.

I guess nothing is impossible.... I"ll keep trying, for sure. I need to realize that I just CAN'T always eat like other folks if I want to be healthy. Yes, I'll keep trying.

Thanks again for your input.
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Old 11-15-2012, 05:31 PM   #11
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I feel a little late coming into this thread, but here's my two cents.

For me, realizing that this was even an issue for me was half the battle. I don't know how many years I've spent being spiteful and bitter that I can't eat whatever I want like others seemingly do, and how often I've justified going overboard because, "Well she can eat a big slice of cake, why can't I?" I call that voice my inner child.

I think there's a whole chapter about this in The Beck Diet Solution. I don't own the book (I've been meaning to buy a copy) and it's been a while since I've read it, but I'd highly recommend it. She basically explains we have to accept the fact that our bodies have their own needs different from everyone else's, and the sooner we accept that and move on, the better. And her suggested way of handling it is by saying, "Oh well."

I really want that extra helping of dessert. Oh well.
I really don't want to get up early for my walk today. Oh well.


It's an acknowledgement that we're not getting the instant gratification that we want, but that it's something we can nevertheless get through and put behind us. While easier said than done, it's something I've been working on for several months. Some days are better than others, but it's so automatic that I don't even reach the "oh well" moment most of the time.

I personally make a quick, unemotional decision, stick with it, and don't look back. The longer you debate on whether or not you should have that brownie or that extra pizza, the more tortured you're going to feel (which will only set you up for failure).

I already know what my personal limits are with how much I should eat and why, so I let that dictate the decisions I make. So when we get a box of carry-out pizza, I already know that I'm having two slices. No debating, no what-ifs, no fudging; I have my two slices (and a salad) and I'm done. SIL brings brownies home? I decide I'm having just one, no more. I have that one brownie, make sure I enjoy it thoroughly, and am not allowed to change my mind and have more after the fact. And when I'm offered a donut at a meeting, I remind myself I already had a brownie the day before and politely decline while focusing on enjoying my coffee and not drooling over everyone else's donuts in the room.

It takes a lot of time, effort, and practice. Sometimes I even got myself crying when I've had to say no to chocolate, and I've had to stop and ask myself why are certain foods so damned important that I'd let my health slide away over them? Nothing is more important than my health. I still have to stomp out my inner child every so often . . . she spent many a year getting rather spoiled . . . but with these efforts she gets quieter and quieter as time goes on.
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Old 11-15-2012, 05:39 PM   #12
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This won't apply if your weight gain was the result of anything other than overeating or unhealthy eating, but I finally had to tell myself that I probably had four times as much pizza, pop, cookies, pasta, cake etc as the skinny people in my lifetime, and I had reached my limit. That and I realized that I wanted to be skinny/thin/healthy/attractive/able to keep up, more than I wanted to eat spaghetti.
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Old 11-16-2012, 05:49 PM   #13
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I try not to feel deprived. I try to feel like, "Well, that's just how it goes." Sort of like the "Oh, well" posted by Elladorine.

Then I try to think and eat "like a thin person." If we are really honest with ourselves, we'll realize (as Luckymommy stated) that most people CAN'T eat whatever they want - they compensate, perhaps in private, by eating light before or after a splurge. I take a clue from my DD who is 5'-6" tall and about 130 pounds, and very fit. She eats like a horse at some meals, or on some days, but eats way less the rest of the day or week, even. If you see her at a party or out to dinner you assume she can eat anything she wants. But she cuts back other places and works out at the gym like a crazy person. She rarely has junk in the house. She or her hubby cook healthy meals just about every night. They pack their lunches. She might go overboard at a frozen yogurt place with her 16 oz. cup piled high, but she does that once in a blue moon - not once a week. And it has been accounted for in the big picture. This is the mentality I've tried to adopt. I'll admit that this is easier to put into practice during maintenance (read "rest of my life") than when I was losing.

All that said, some things are pretty much off limits completely to me. I never get pizza anymore - ever - unless I'm a guest somewhere and that's what is being served. I never buy chips, but keep pretzels and popcorn around sometimes. I don't keep ice cream or chocolate in the house. I tell myself the skinny people aren't eating that crap all the time - so if I want to be one of them, I shouldn't eat it all the time either.

My suggestion is to try the same way of thinking as I've done (whooo, that sounded bossy!) and think, and then act, like a thin person. Once I started doing this, it got easier. It's only been 13 months since I've stopped trying to lose, but I've managed to stay close enough to 162 that I don't feel it's dishonest to keep it on my ticker. I've gone up as much as 5 pounds - over a holiday or vacation - but then I rein it in and get back down. We aren't perfect. No eating plan is perfect.

And I really do have to disagree with the idea of ONLY eating for nourishment. We do so many other things for pleasure, why not eating? What if we could only read for knowledge? That's a great concept, but we read for pleasure, too. And, I assume, we all read something that has absolutely no real value (no, I didn't read and of the 50 shades books - LOL) once in a while. Same with TV and movies. Or Concerts. Or - - fill in the blank. What if you could only listen to classical music if you love rock and roll (or vice versa?) What if you could only watch the History Channel and no "Big Bang Theory"? I'm trying to think of eating in the same way.

I wish us all success in figuring this out - it really is the key to staying on plan most of the time.

Lin
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Old 11-16-2012, 06:41 PM   #14
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I don't think the "it's so unfair" part much anymore, and I don't use the words can't have" anymore. Not even wheat which in more than trace amounts triggers an insanely itchy, red, swollen, scaley/flakey skin rash (that with more wheat,or left untreated with steroids proceeds to unbearably stinging/burning/itching/raw/cracking/oozing/yellow crusting).

So I remind myself that choices have consequences, and just because someone makes different choices and has different consequences doesn't mean their life is any better or worse than mine. I also remind myself that when I'm watching someone else's choice, that apparently is getting a different result than mine, it doesn't mean anything, because I don't get to see all the person's choices and all their consequences.

When I see a thin person eating foods that make me sick/fat, I don't know what other choices or consequences they are experiencing. A thin junk food junkie, may not be experiencing fat from their junk food habit, but they may have or be headed towards diabetes or heart disease. Or maybe I'm witnessing a fluke to their normal behavior or maybe they make other choices to compensate.

It doesn't matter, because there are consequences and trade-offs for every choice we make, and we don't experience the same consequences, but I think it is 'fair' in it's inequality. We don't all experience the same consequences, or make the same choices but most of us get a pretty good mixed-baq of options and results.

No one escapes the consequences of consistently poor choices. The thin junk food junkie, couch potato may not get fat, but they do get diabetes, heart disease, strokes and all the other lifestyle diseases and poor overall health, strength, and stamina deficits associated with poor diet, so just because a person seems to be doing fine on a crappy diet, doesn't mean they are (or will for long).

I can make healthy choices while feeling sorry for myself and envious of other people's bad choices not having the same consequences as mine, or I can just make the best choices for myself to get the results I want to see. If I catch myself envying other people's choices, I remind myself that I don't know what their other choices are, or what the consequences of those choices are. I can see that they're not fat, but I can't see whether they get migraines or whether their arteries are clogging or if they have a tumor growing, or if their lungs aren't working right... I can only see that they're not fat, and fat isn't the worst consequence.

I can even feel lucky that I'm aware of my consequences, because it's easier to fight what you're aware of. I may actually be luckier than some of the thin person with unhealthy habits, because I've got a big old warning flag that my body isn't working right. Their first clue might be a fatal heart attack.
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Old 11-17-2012, 12:13 AM   #15
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Key things to keep in mind...we are all different. What one food does to another, might not do to you.
My brothers used to be able to eat anything, everything & tons of it!!! They aren't so fortunate now...each have a gut on them when they used to be slim. It's better to learn healthy eating as early as possible, because you are not promised that your motabolism or health won't change. Learn moderation & balance.

When it comes to the "I wants", see if you can find a healthy alternative. When everyone is munching down on junk, eat an apple or some raisins. This will keep your mouth busy & you won't feel so left out.
If you really can't say "no" to whatever is tempting you, have just a small bit. Instead of that big slice of cake...have a 1/2 or smaller. Have SMALL sliver of pie, but SKIP the whipped cream! It'll give you what you want, just not over-load you.
If you do totally fall into temptation, learn what triggered it. Maybe you can avoid it in the future. Also do what you can to be healthy in your eating the rest of the day/week/etc. This is a journey. A journey where we are learning about being healthy & how to overcome our obstacles.

Good luck! Remember, have patience with yourself.
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