Hello again everyone.
I haven't been on these boards in a long time although I have lurked once in a while.
At the beginning of this year I set out to lose weight and for a while there I did great and was immensely excited to see pounds start to roll off.
Then I got hit hard with shaky situations at work, long and thankless work hours, cancer in the family and one thing after another, I saw all my work begin to slip. No more did I have a minute free to be at the gym religeously, and even more so I didn't have time to plan meals - I just ate whenever and whatever. And gave in to lots and lots of thoughtless munching while under pressure or under stress.
My weight creeped up although never back to the 234 original, but close. I somehow maintained 231 or so for months. Many times I wouldn't weigh myself forever and then dread to step on the scale scared of what I would see, but it was always around 231. I kept thinking well, I guess my body has found its equilibrium. Too bad this equilibrium is 100lbs heavier than I wish. I kept telling myself I will tackle this weight loss battle again as soon as life eases up.
Life has not eased up.
But my equilibrium has. Two days ago I stepped on the scale and was mortified to see 235lbs. As I stepped off, the scale showed a digital error, so I breathed a sigh of relief and stepped on again, ready to see my typical 231.
But I was in for a shock. My weight showed at 238. If I had energy in me to cry I would have.
I need to drag myself back here and do something before my weight kills me.
I am living a horrible lifestyle. I life on coffee instead of water. I average 4-5 hours sleep per night. I work all day and my work means I have to sit on my a$s all day. And there is one thing I have learned. This weight loss thing does NOT happen passively. I can't just "be good" and not notice it and just go about my business and check 2 weeks later to see a delightful 4lb loss. I have seen that it seems to be that in order to lose any weight I have to be on it like white on rice. Literally keeping it at the forefront of my mind 24-7, living and breathing it, being on a motivational board, mindfully counting my water intake instead of mindlessly munching on anything (even when I munch on healthy stuff, from fruit to carrots, I just way overeat it in the long run).
I don't know why I have to battle this in life, but battle it I must.
I keep feeling like a failure that should just resign and accept it - that this is simply my new beat up post-kids body. And yet it hurts too much to accept a fate like that.
I used to be beautiful. I never used to be skinny thin, but I wasn't obese. Actually I look at photos of myself from the past and I would just give anything to be back there again. Instead it is depressing to see how year after year, I don't even want to see photos of myself. These are photos with my kids that are growing and I am forever imprinted into history taking up half the photograph (horizontally). I am hating summer because everything is about social gatherings around the pool. I don't want people looking at me period, what more in a swim suit. Physically I can't do a whole lot without actually starting to huff and puff - that NEVER used to be.
I'm a mess, and I want to clean up.
So back here... and want to try again, before I hit new highs and sink to new lows.