I have been overweight most of my adult life. I have been using my weight as a suit of armor to protect myself. I have suffered through every form of abuse possible in my life and my weight was a way of protection. I have been "living better" for the past year and have lost 45 pounds to date. Some days are still a struggle but I am learning there are other ways to protect yourself and also learning with the help of my DH that not all relationships are violent ones.

Hmmm....good question. I'm not sure if knowing the answer or not having a payoff is better. After mulling it over a bit, maybe, it's safe for me. I've always been a serious person (was a serious kid). Now I was never overweight until adult (although as a teen I felt it ...don't we all). For example...at dances I would stay in the corner and say, I don't dance (slow dance I did). And I would see otheres having fun and wonder why I coulnd't put aside my insecurities (I'd look stupid dancing) and just have fun. I started to come out of myself in my early 20's but then kids and I'm serious because I'm the mom. And my husband is the fun one! LOL My family just went skiing. I didn't. Part of me said I was saving money just being there for support (that's not the reason). Part of me said I was afraid I was going to break something and I have to work (I'm a housecleaner with my own business)...but I don't think that's it either...I iceskate damn fine and I think I would be super on skiis. Part of me said I was helping everyone else with mittens, gloves, bathroom, etc...but most of me said.....everyone would say, who is that fat person on skiis...she doesn't belong here. And then If I was thin...I would think they were looking at me saying...who does she think she is?? LOL!!!! Lots of stuff to muck through today...thanks for bringing it up...I think!

Mine was that I got to eat mindlessly, whatever sounded good at any particular time, without having to think or plan or discipline or forego anything. I also invested very little time in meal planning or preparation (except as occasional recreational cooking), nor in exercise, and that gave me a lot more time to spend on other leisure activities than I have now.

I didn't use my fat as armor or get any psychological benefits from it that I am aware of. But I did get to enjoy a level of unrestrained hedonism that is now off-limits to me as I am constantly mindful and disciplined about my food choices, and have had to cut way back on some of my hobbies in order to make time to cook and exercise.

It's been difficult to shift my life and priorities that way - it's taken two and a half years and I am still a work in progress. But, it's been worth it, too.

Wow, this is almost exactly what I was going to post on this thread. I love good food. I denied myself nothing. And it showed. Now, don't get me wrong, I calorie count precisely so I can choose to eat anything I want, but hey, a single serving size of something yummy is just as enjoyable as two heaping helpings.

Carter and Rachelm - I did the exact thing you guys did. I let myself eat and do everything else I wanted to do except exercise. I'm not really sure why I did it. I keep trying to come up with reasons for it, but I don't think I have any good reasons other than just refusing to be disciplined.

Um... I like living in my head more? Neglecting body gave me time for that?

I do ok in keeping up with mental health and emotional health across my life. I've enjoyed my time as a student and enjoy mental challenges now that I'm not in academics. I've had good friends, family, and romantic relationships so my emotion end of things is fine. I can handle conflict, express my feelings, etc.

But I was floundering a bit on spiritual health in my teens/20's.

And I neglected body health because I'm not a keen sportswoman or anything... I didn't have the natural talent there that would lead me to enjoy it and didn't esp develop the skills to offset lack of natural talent. I have no especial kinesthetic intelligence.

In my late 20's I decided I better start looking at me as a WHOLE well balanced person and how to best achieve it. That meant giving up some mental stimulus to spend more time pumping up spirit and body buckets.

Kinda like... ok braniac... Books and papers are fun to read, but lay off some there on the mental bucket so you can ALSO do other things for you in your other areas going lacking! Your brain and heart are strong but your soul and body are wimpy! You are lopsided!

A.

Being invisible. Not attracting men (that was so scary when I was younger, as I was abused when I was a child). Getting to eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. Hey, who wants to take a midnight run to Taco Bell?

Several years back I found a plan I could stick with and started exercising, and lost weight like crazy. But then the guys started to notice me. I couldn't handle the attention at my lowest adult weight and went right back to eating my emotions.

Things are different now. Happily married and out of a previously abusive relationship, but currently dealing with a different set of anxieties. I have to plow through the mental block of getting below 250 pounds. Doing my best to eat better so I can feel better, and not to rely on junk food to satisfy my emotions.

I think I may be able to handle being visible for the first time in my life. We'll see what happens in the coming months.

I grew up a bit spoiled and indulged, and that carried into my adult life. I was never abused or had anything bad happen to me, ever. I didn't use fat as an insulator (ha) or a guard, I was fully IN and OF the world, never hid from it or people. I was happy, loud, silly, gregarious and confident (and not the sad fat-girl fake confident). I had (and still do!!) a man that was crazy about me, no matter what size. I slowly realized the spoiled brat 5 year old in me who wanted cake NOW and had it was ruling me. I spanked her a$$ into submission and took control.

I felt I'd been blessed in this life, with far more than I deserve, so it was time to live up to it all and give my husband someone who would be around to grow old with him and not die or become a burden to him.

Life's still the same, I'm still happy and very very silly, I can just move a lot faster now

I was just coming here to post about realizing the reason behind a 2 day full on binge this week (Monday and Tuesday) was about a creepy man looking me up and down on Sunday. I didn't even realize why I had done it till I finally remembered to tell my DH about the creeper late last night and then it just HIT me...I'd been stuffing my face to protect myself from his look just like I had been doing since I was first abused as a child.

Kind of like carter and rachaelm.

I love food. I love to cook. I love to eat. I feel like a lot of people have this mental image of others getting fat by mindlessly scarfing down McDonald's cheeseburgers or eating boxes of Chips-Ahoy. No thank you. I turned myself into a butterball with gourmet pasta dishes and Southern home cooking and exotic ice cream flavors. My payoff for being overweight was not having to worry about whether the fresh fettuccine alfredo I was making myself for lunch had 200 calories or 2,000.

Now that I'm serious about dieting, I've had to really change the way I relate to food.

I Love to cook and eat too, and I put great store in being a well read and clever person, but mostly I think as a fat person, I don't have to compete in the woman world. Don't have a good hair cut, wear makeup, or be fashionable, or hey not even well dressed, as everyone knows fat people are lazy.......( in other words no expectations on me, no chance of failing to meet them)

I've been comfortable in my own world rather outside that other world??? But no any more!!! I'm buying shoes and clothes, looking at myself in the mirror more, and far more importantly standing up for myself more. Being counted in other words! Not being afraid to confront people - as now I am not so scared or getting you are a useless fat person what would you know looks and sniggers.....
You know I think fat is the minority it is still politically correct to make public mockery of?

my payoff is the same: protection.

when i'm big:

men know my eyes are always changing colour (they're grey but they never look the same colour and often each side is a different colour) and not a B cup.

if i say "no!", i have the heft to back it up.

i don't get date-raped or roofie'd - that sort of thing only happens when i'm slim (which is how i ended up gaining back the 100lbs twice before).

ppl i thought were my friends don't accuse me of trying to steal their husbands.

boyfriends don't accuse me of hitting on their teenaged sons.

nobody minds much if i look a little wierd (ie, walking the dog in my pajamas) because big ppl are allowed their little eccentricities.

nobody comments if i say i don't socialize - which i don't, having asperger's syndrome.

and i don't have to go into what asperger's syndrome is and then listen to the inevitable "helpful" lecture on how i can be perfectly normal if i do "this", "that", or sign up for "the other" course available through some religious institute or other.

i like being big.

i don't like being small.

but i also don't want to be the grey-haired frump sitting in the scooter and covered in cat hair that my 5yr old daughter has to introduce around her high school as her mother, not her grandmother, and i REALLY don't want an artificial hip or a coffin which is what's going to happen if i don't shed the weight.

That was my reason too hun. My fat was my suit of armour and from my fear of men. I experienced childhood trauma and it's effected every aspect of my life, but I have come to a place that I won't let it control me anymore I didn't feel good enough about myself to even care to try....but through counselling, medication and constantly working on me I realized that I do want better in every way possible, including a healthy lifestyle

Yep. Couldn't have said it better

i LOOOOOVE lifting weights - esp powerlifting.

talk about an ego kick when i'm at the gym casually benching 100lbs for a warmup then moving on to my first working set of 135, lol. it makes the men around me work a little harder, that's for sure.