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Old 03-04-2012, 05:19 PM   #1
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Angry I want to talk about "ME"

As most of you who frequent the message board already know I gained 3.4 pounds last week. A fact for which I am terribly ashamed to say was ALL completely my fault. I had a terribly hard week and fell back into the old habits that have been ingrained into me since childhood.

I come from a long family line of Southern "Big Boned" women. We were never fat or overweight we were just big boned and weighed more than other "small framed" women. Growing up in my family you never heard the word diet and there was no problem that food could not fix. Bad day at school? Here have some cake. You don't feel well? Here have some pie. You are lost and misunderstood? Here have some fried chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy, cornbread and banana pudding. There was NOTHING food could not fix.

My mother was absent most of my life and my grandmother raised my sister and I. My sister and I never got along and that has carried into adulthood. We live in the same city and haven't spoken since 2009. My mother reappeared in my life around the time I was 9 and brought with her a husband who sexually abused me and physically abused my sister. I was threatened if I told he would hurt my mother and grandmother. He was a cop and I was a child so of course I believed him.

When I was 14 years old I could no longer deal with my life and I cut my wrist in the bathtub. It took 40 stitches and months of physical therapy to save my hand. Something my family had no problems paying for, but when my doctor recommended psychiatric therapy that was a whole different issue. We don't want our friends and neighbors to think she is crazy. We will take her home and show her lots and lots of love and feed her because food cures any problem.

When I was 18 I got married, when I was 19 I had a child, after that my marriage went pretty much downhill. He was mentally and physically abusive and I ate to numb the pain. We divorced when I was 24.

Fast forward to today. My mother lives with my husband and I. She is pretty much bedridden and we take care of her. I work all day and play care taker at night. My husband is currently undergoing treatment for hepatitis C and the treatment has him so weak and ill that he is unable to work. I administer his shot to him once a week and also play nurse. I am also the only person working in our household, hence the sole bread winner so I get up and go to work no matter how I feel or what is going on in my life.

I find it difficult at most to find time for "just me" to take care of me and do the things that need to be done to help me along on my daily battle to win against this weight that is holding me prisoner. I am attempting to eat well while preparing meals for people who are not traveling down the same road as I. I live in a house full of PEPSI to tempt me each and every day. I am a recovering pepsiholic, I haven't had any soda of any kind since January 1, 2012 and I realize that with just one sip I will be there again.

I am sorry for the long rant but I really just needed to get some of this off my chest so maybe I can put my bad week behind me and get back on track and continue this journey I have started. I can do it, but I have to learn not to beat myself up so bad when I stumble.

Last edited by SmallSteps : 03-04-2012 at 05:43 PM.
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Old 03-04-2012, 05:24 PM   #2
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I don't know what to say, but wanted to give you a
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Old 03-04-2012, 05:34 PM   #3
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I don't know what to say, but wanted to give you a
Thank you Bunneh
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Old 03-04-2012, 05:40 PM   #4
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Yes, lots of hugs to you!!You are one strong woman!
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Old 03-04-2012, 05:46 PM   #5
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Yes, lots of hugs to you!!You are one strong woman!
Thank you vixxi, I don't feel very strong right now.
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Old 03-04-2012, 06:11 PM   #6
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Oh, boy. Big big big Hugs to you!!!!(((((((((((())))))))))))))))

And I have to say that right now, the kindest thing that you can do for yourself is to A)make sure you have a close friend on speed dial. and B) feed yourself healthy, delicious meals. I wouldn't worry about calories, or cutting out anything right now. Just know that healthy foods will help you now by giving you energy and enhance your mood so that you may deal with all that you do. I do know what it's like to be a caretaker (my husband has a bad heart and is in and out of surgeries, etc). And I often slip for a bit thinking that food is helping me. Then I remember that I should love myself enough not to mindless eat or eat something that will cause me to be tired, lazy, grumpy or fat. Taking a nice walk after work and before putting on your nurse hat will help YOU to focus on YOU and give you a chance to breathe before your long evenings. Make them non negotiable. Tell your MOm and husband they can give you 45 mins. You have been through so much! You are a survivor! A fighter! Not a victim. I know it!!! Saying a prayer for you tonight!!!
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Old 03-04-2012, 06:33 PM   #7
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Thanks Kristen. I am my own worst enemy some days.
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Old 03-04-2012, 06:40 PM   #8
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Wow.

You certainly have a full plate, to say the least. It's so easy to tell someone "take care of yourself" but the reality is that it's much easier said than done. It's especially difficult when you find yourself unexpectedly in a caretaking role. So ... make your "me time" non-negotiable. You won't have anything to offer anyone else if you don't make yourself your priority. It's not selfish - it's reality. Choose YOU.

Is your mother living with you a long-term arrangement? Given the family history, you are a better person than I to provide the care that you do. And even though you mentioned you don't speak with your sister, she should be stepping up to the plate in some way to lighten your load with regard to your mother.

And for the love of all things --- move the pepsi so that it's not in your line of vision!!

Next week will be better!! We all slip up so forgive yourself and move forward. Good luck!
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Old 03-04-2012, 07:38 PM   #9
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Hugs. Don't know what else to say, except you are a remarkable woman. You'll do this. I know you are capable of anything you set your mind to. Don't worry about a few bad days. In the whole scheme of things, they mean nothing as long as you put them behind you and get right back on plan. Chin up. More hugs.

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Old 03-04-2012, 07:53 PM   #10
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You have been through a lot. My sister and I are not tight. We're not actively avoiding each other, but sometimes I feel like most of the load is on me to keep in touch. She doesn't live in my town though -- she's far off.

We had a nutty year with Dad's health, and I had to be the one to call the shots even over my mom's head because she wasn't handling it well. Dad was losing it, clearly in mental health decline and acting out with RAGE and all of it.

I made it clear he needed aid and I made it clear I was willing to help, but not at the expense of MY mental health. There would be no moving him in with me. His needs were beyond my skill set and he needed pro care. My goal was to get him evaluated first, and then we'd see from there.

He's medicated and stable now, and still living at home with mom, but she's woken up to the reality.

For now it is ok, he's being cooperative with treatment. He can bathe himself, eat, dress, etc. So long as he's not pitching a fit, he's alright to be at home with her as a caregiver and doing outpatient therapies. She takes him to his classes and appointments. It was the off putting behavior that was escalating and getting dangerous with him E N R A G E D and shouting abuse at us.

But if he continues to grow wonky and loses more skills (I think it is undiagnosed Alzheimer, they are working on getting a good dx) she may not be able to handle him as he gets worse. She can't bathe him for instance -- she's a tiny woman and he's a big man. So she's thinking ahead to the day where they both need to move to assisted living and so on.

I don't know your own situation, but can your sister help more with mom's care? Can you get respite care so you get breaks? Or can mom be moved to facility? Then your own burden is your spouse rather than a "double dose" of patient care that you have to do.

Everyone has limits, it's nothing shameful to run out of steam. You have to care for YOU too.



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Old 03-04-2012, 07:55 PM   #11
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Old 03-04-2012, 07:59 PM   #12
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Don't have answers. You have a plate full....no, you've had a life full. My prayer is that God comfort and carry you through this trying time.

I was explaining my weight loss journey to a co-worker who is very fit (a marathon runner). I was explaining how bad I felt about waiting so long to take care of my weight. She knew I had a child born with a birth injury and a difficult job and she said to me...."sometimes life knows what you can handle." Meaning, I had so many other major issues in my life that emabarking on a hug weight loss journey was more than I could handle. Focus on you, make the best choices you can, forgive yourself if you don't and move on.

Sending big hugs....Know that we hear you and care
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Old 03-04-2012, 08:13 PM   #13
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SmallSteps - may I just say .. wow!
I gotta tell you a little about myself to respond to your post. I know the thread said we are here to talk about YOU, so I hope you dont mind.
When I was 14 I fell in love with the first person who accepted me after living a life much like yours as a child. Food healed all things, there was nothing a piece of chocolate cake couldnt fix! When I was 19 I was married to that man, we had a child right off the bat. After 2 years the marriage began to fall apart, I wasnt sure at that time why. I soon learned that he had a massive drinking problem. I would spend hours at night just praying he would pass out soon. as he would spend every free minute of his time yelling at me for everything that was wrong in his life. Many nights I spent sleeping on my sons bedroom floor against his door so that I could keep him safe from his father! After going through 5 years of that he moved from drinking to drugs, by this time I was pregnant for twins. I believed i could change him, I believed I could turn things around and just walk around with the whole world on my shoulders. Despite how heavy my world got, my weight just continued to mount. I got to about 298lbs, then my husband went on a major cocaine binge causing me to be behind 3 months in rent. Here I was with no income (he couldnt hold a job) 3 kids and about to lose my house! I went to work and I let nothing get in my way. One night on my way home from work I made up my mind that I was going to leave him as soon as I could, but it couldnt be then as I feared my own safety and that of my children. I ended up losing some weight just because I had to feed my children and so often times I would go without. I got to the point where I was caught up on rent and things were good for me, at that time I informed my husband that he was no longer squatting on my couch, he was not welcome to live off me any longer.
I went through a 12 year marriage of abuse and heartache. I never had anyone there to pat my back and tell me it was all going to be just fine. I had myself and my children to rely on. Now here I am almost 3 years out of that horrible chain of events, I try my best to forget all of the past. I try to just make up for the things my kids have had to go without, and that man still comes to my house every other weekend with great gifts for the kids that he bought with his welfare moneys and he always appears as a hero!
It irks me to no end. Then a month ago I came to realize if I want to truely overcome all of the past I need to stand up for myself in ALL ways! I cant let him or anyone else beat me down in ANY way what so ever!
With this thought came my lifestyle changes. I have changed my eating, drinking, activity - everything! I have lost a total 10 lbs now and I couldnt feel better! I too was a pepsi drinker - all I ever drank EVER! I switched to diet pepsi for about a week, then cut back to 3 then 2 then 1 and Ive not had one in like 2 weeks, and now when I see it? I have no desire for it at all! I also have family members who cant take care of themselves, who rely on me for EVERYTHING and it is so overwhelming! When you are trying to make these positive changes to yourself and they a)dont notice and b) dont allow you the space and time you may need to soak in all the new things. I solve this by going through my day as usual, then I pick a time (for me its 8 pm) I have a min of a half hour TO MYSELF! no exceptions! if I have to lock myself in my room, take a walk outside - even if its just to take a hot bath. When youre a warrior like yourself, you need some refresh time. So honey I suggest you dont let this small gain bring you down, dont stay fallen. Pick yourself up, dust off and hit that reset button that I KNOW you have! We all have them... this is how you got through all that other stuff that happened to you all those years! and you truck on baby! this is what we strong hearted, never to be defeated women do in times like this! Honey, you don't have to accept this as a failure, just a mere bump... its time to rise back up and claim your victory! Im going to offer you a hug of course - but what you REALLY need is for someone to say come on - suck it up buttercup, YOU CAN DO THIS! you just NEED to believe in yourself. and if it makes ANY difference to you at all, I believe in you!
My prayers are with you sweetheart, you just remember no matter what you think you look like on the outside, its the inside that counts. inside you are a STRONG, VICTORIUS, BEAUTIFUL, GOOD HEARTED WARRIOR! NOT to be defeated!!
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Old 03-04-2012, 08:15 PM   #14
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Sorry to read your story, when you fell like eating junk come here and pour your heart out. We all will support you from bottom of our hearts. You can gain energy and motivation from it and try to eat healthy food and 8 to 10 glasses of pure water. Try walking whenever possible. Before you know, you will be down 100 lbs. God bless you girl.
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Old 03-04-2012, 08:25 PM   #15
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I have to learn not to beat myself up so bad when I stumble.
t took me more than 30 years to learn this lesson. I thought I had to be "hard on myself" in order to succeed, and instead I made myself so miserable that giving up was the most logical option.

One thing that helped me tremendously was first and foremost acknowledging just how difficult any change, but especially weight loss is, and secondly changing the primary focus from weight loss to weight maintenance. That sounds like no weight loss would ever occur, but the opposite has happened.

My goal is always "to not gain, and to try to lose, just one more pound."

I never know which pound will be the last loss I'm able to accomplish. I don't know when life or my body will prevent me from losing more, but it doesn't matter because I'm an awesome person even if I don't lose, even if I gain. But I'm going to do what I can do, and refuse to stress the rest.

Focusing on "not gaining" is something I'm able to do virtuallly every day. Trying to lose one more, is something I usually can do.

I don't let myself worry about how long it's going to take, I just focus on gettng through a day without gaining (on really tough days) and making changes that I'm willing to commit to even if they don't result in rapid loss.

I know this isn't the "normal" way to lose weight, but I've never succeeded at any of the normal ways (and not many other people do either).

I've only averaged less than one pound or less per month, and yet I've still lost over 100 lbs. I've lost it more rapidly in the past, but I've never lost this much, and I've never kept it off this long.

With all that's going on in your life, you are going to find it difficult to focus on you. You're going to feel selfish (you're not, if you don't take care of yourself, you're not going to be able to take care of others, so remember that when you take "Me time" it's as much for your loved ones as it is for you. They can't benefit from your care, if you burn yourself out.

As for the gain, you can do everything perfectly and still have ups and downs on the scale, so you can't let the scale become an enemy. You gained few pounds, you didn't murder babies or even drown kittens. And you don't have to punish yourself or feel horrible to change or learn from mis-steps. You can forgive yourself and move on, in fact forgiveness helps you move on.

When you hate anyone (even yourself) you really don't feel like going out of your way to help that person. But when you love and forgive someone (even yourself) you want to help them do better.

You can do this without the self-beating. And as a former self-punisher I can tell you it is so much easier when you stop the self-recriminations. Self-punishment drains energy, and you don't have any energy to spare.

Rewarding yourself (not with high-calorie food) even in small ways and praising yourself and focusing on the positive is energizing, and you need that too.

Remind yourself what a great person you are, even if you have to sit down with pen and paper to do it. Yes the weight is important for your health but it's not a measure of your worth.
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