This is part of a PM I sent to Sandi, who was very sweet and PM'd me to ask how BFL was going. I decided to post it here because I'm wondering if there are any other "posuers" on this board...
ugh. BFL is NOT going. I have been off program for about two weeks, and I'm finding that I don't even care. I mean, I REALLY don't care. I have no motivation. I have almost accepted the fact that I'm going to be a fat girl for the rest of my life.
I tend to swing like this....for a year or so it will be all about desperately wanting to be thin. Then, for a year or so, it will be all about Fat Girl Power..why should I have to conform to the American media's definition of beauty...I'm beautiful on the inside...all that happy horsesh*t...
So, I guess the moral of the story is, I'm a big fat (no pun intended) posuer. I sit here and post and give encouragement and all I can think is, "I am SO tired of this treadmill to ****. I am SO tired of constantly worrying about my weight and feeling like my whole self-worth and abilities are some warped mathematical equation...jeans size + books knocked off desk by *** = what I am NOT worth as a woman and a mother and a lover and even a pretty damn good teacher." (As an aside, it REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pisses me off that some adoption agency thinks that Angi's weight has THING NUMBER ONE to do with whether or not she will be a loving mother to a motherless child!) And then I cop an attitude and say, "Who the f**k cares what I weigh, or how I look? Why should it MATTER to me?"
But on some level, it does matter. It must, otherwise I wouldn't be getting so all-fired preach-it-to-the-mountaintops on the side of who the **** cares.
I'm hoping this ends up being a good topic of discussion, otherwise I have just hung myself out to dry...