Ever wonder what happened 100lbs ago when you thought you were fat?
I am not sure if anyone else will relate but this has been on my mind A LOT lately.
I have been what you would call a bigger girl pretty much my whole life. I was 10-12 when I developed hips and my butt. My legs were NEVER sticks. I wore a size 10 in grade school. I NEVER fit in clothes from Abercrombie, Banana Republic, Express and so on. I remember thinking as a young child/teenager that something was wrong with me and that I was disgusstingly fat because I didn't fit the mold. I was told I was overweight and gosh every store my friends shopped in said I was because 15 years ago plus size was anything over 12 in most of these stores.
I guess I never really paid to much attention as the lbs packed on later in life because well "I was already fat, what was a few lbs"? Well looking back now and seeing pictures of myself throughout the years.... I WAS NOT FAT... Was I slightly pudgy maybe. Did my ***, hips and thighs look crazy big next to my 90lb cousin who has NO curves? YES! Did the clothes that were POPULAR flatter my figure? Not so much! As a teenager at 16 I had a fabulously curvy body that I HATED! At 30 now that I realize that I had a different shape that I would kill for today.
How is it that we are taught to self loathe ourselves to this point?
__________________ " The only thing standing in between who you are now and who you want to be is you "
Restarted Journey 01/10/2012
Mini Goal: Under 300 again.... Achieved 01/26/2012
Mini Goal: Less than my lowest last time 271.5
I thought I was supposed to be built like those girls I'm not built like - narrow shoulders, no hips, fine boned.
My father was a middle distance runner who made it to the Olympic trials, and also played linebacker. My mother's father was a 6-4 semi-pro baseball player. My brother was a DEFENSIVE TACKLE.
Me, I was a swimmer - no sprinter, I played half-back in field hockey and soccer, and I showed horses.
I was a strong, muscled, gorgeous young woman.
Wish I had believed it.
Today, I am an unathletic lump. She deserved better
I think it is especially difficult for women who are built larger. I have a large frame. My mom has a petite frame, my sister has a petite frame. My one brother and I do not.
So, my mom (and I) thought I weighed too much when at 15 I weighed 145 (and I was still growing - I grew late). All the other girls around me weighed 15-20 pounds less at the same height. So, I had to be fat, right?
Well, no! I had boobs, I had hips, I had broad shoulders, I had big feet. I also had a nice shape, just not a SMALL shape.
I am now 173.8. That is what I weighed when I graduated high school and I was a little pudgy (weighed 179 full dressed at the doctor's office around graduation). I felt so flipping huge then. Now? I feel rather trim!
When I get to 160, I will feel small and light... back then, I felt enormous.
And yes, I felt as fat then as I did when I weighed 275. Once I got over 200 I felt enormous and really, as long as I didn't get to 300 I felt "Well, at least I'm not 300)... Excuse me? That's a 100 pound difference, so how was I "OK" with 275??? Because it was all the same in my head - I was fat - period. Didn't matter to what degree really.
Restart 5/18/15 began at 263.9. All time high was 275 in 7/03. Low in Summer 2012 of 169.
A for the first 50 pounds lost, plus a for every additional 5 pounds lost on the weight loss reboot:
Hey, i think i know wht u r talking abt altho my story is a bit different. I am short, 5'1" ( at max ) and have been plump thruout my teenage. Now when i se the pics frm those days, i too think...well, when was i FAT ??? But my parents made abig deal out of it....and the comments and everything made me lose my personality completely. i lost my self esteem and confidence, withdrew into a shell and bottled up all the negative feelings and frankly never thot abt losing a few pounds. one thing is for sure...i wud have been a far happier person, had it not been for those horrible teenage years...
Thankfully , met my wonderful husband..who loved me for myself, not my weight..when i gained it or when i lost it..he was with me. Now tht i hv regained my lost weight..i am far heavier than my teenage..and am trying to los eit again, he is all with me.
so,all u moms and dads out there..groom ur kids into a happy person instead of trying to mould them into barbie dolls!!!
I know exactly what was going on 100 pounds ago when I thought I was fat.
I have a loving mother who never missed a chance to tell me how fat and disgusting I was and "Why can't you look like your sister" and of course the dreaded "You have such a pretty face you just need to weigh like 9 pounds and you will be beautiful"
My mom is 5 ft 0 and skinny as a bean pole and my sister is about 5 ft 3 and the same. It appears I got my large frame and big bones from my fathers side of the family.
I wish I had the body I had 100 pounds ago but I was not happy in that body either. Makes you wonder if you do reach your goals will you ever be able to except your body and be happy?
My Lowest Journey Weight: 242.8 - July 30, 2012
My Reboot Journey Weight: 286.6 - June 27, 2015
As another very curvy girl I can relate to much of what you wrote. It's insane the amount of pressure we put on ourselves in terms of body image and what perfection is supposed to be. One thing that I realized about half way through my journey is dealing with this curvy body of mine. At my highest it was so easy to ignore because I was big all over. But once I started losing it become more and more obvious that I need to dress myself better, and accept that I was always going to be curvy (and actually have become quite a bit curvier as I've dropped weight).
That's a big reason why I started my blog was do deal with these issues head on. I've really gotten into proper bra fitting because of it and have found a lot of great brand who design clothes specifically for curvy women. Once I started wearing better fitting bras and clothes it made a HUGE difference in terms of my self-confidence. I've also just learned to accept that there are idiots out there who think if you are curvy that you're fat and that they're idiots, NOT me.
I have a daughter (who is still very young) but I think often how I'm going to handle the whole self-loathing teenagerhood. I'm assuming she'll probably have a similar body type as mine, which may be very difficult here because as is I already have to specially order my clothes from abroad and/or get them altered to fit me. I figure we'll just do the same for her because I really don't want her to feel out of place or strange because of her body just because some stupid designer only designs clothes for B cups.
one of my uncles was a wrestling coach, and another a college football player. my dad is over 6 feet tall, and my 3 nephews played/play college football. my mom's side is smaller.
I remember in college being 30 lbs overweight and feeling like I was so overweight people wouldn't want to know me, and guys wouldn't want to date me. in those days, 25 plus years ago, it was more unusual to see bigger people, and plus sizes, as I remember it, were harder to find and usually pretty awful. and plus sizes, like above poster mentions, started at smaller sizes than they do today.
I have never been a "skinny" girl but I look at pictures of myself 10 years ago and wish I could start my weight loss journey from that point. When my weight used to hover around 230-240 I always told myself I would never EVER go over 250. I would see myself in pictures then and think OMG I'm huge!
Well about 3 weeks I pulled out my dust cover scale and almost cried, 285. What happened to never getting over 250 I guess that went out the window about 5 years ago with my size 16 jeans. So here I am 3 weeks later at 266.5 and working hard to get back to 250!
I guess I can look at it as the more I lose the more I will appreciate the journey, it's going to be a long one but worth every step! I'm 33 now and think I finally have the motivation to get where I need to be.
This time around 250 will be a weight to celebrate not dread. One day at a time, One pound at a time, one good meal choice at a time!
This describes me to a T. When I look back at photos from my freshman year of high school, I actually looked pretty good. I was around 200lbs and wore a size 13/15 (I was always the weird odd sizes). But I had this mentality that I was huge and didn't seem to notice that I gained weight like gangbusters for the next 5 years until I got all the way up to 312. I did try a few times to lose weight but always struggled to lose more than 5-10 lbs at a time. But oh well, I can't change the past, only pave way for a new future.
How is it that we are taught to self loathe ourselves to this point?
That's the thing. I don't loathe me. I never have. I loathe my conditions, but I've always liked me.
100 lbs ago puts me at 172. I was a college freshman, preoccupied with school, work, and trying to adjust to living in a new place with new people, etc. And the food on campus sucked! So I knew I was probably gaining the freshman 15 but not esp worried about it.
My problem was not self esteem or body image but just living in my head all nerdy like and never really being esp active as a kid. My parents were sedentary, other than PE at school I didn't run around much. So once I completed my last PE credit in 9th grade high school, I never did anything like that again!
I graduated HS around 160. So it wasn't like it was so far off to be 172. I didn't own a scale and didn't want to be "vain" about my looks. The ED and body image bashing in a girls dorm was a culture shock for me. (I grew up abroad.)
But then my jr year of college I started zooming up in weight alarmingly and that started the whole dx nightmare. I was engaged and living with then BF/now DH.
I did join a gym at that point to try to keep the crazy gain in check while still doing the doctor parade. That kinda helped but not solved it. DH was with me the whole time and wonderfully supportive -- he knwos first hand how frustrating it was to get the dx on student insurance. We got married earlier than planned just to get me on HIS work insurance faster to help me.
I didn't get the full dx til I was around 26 -- the whole PCOS/IR/Syndrome X/hypothyroid hooha. Ugh. Had gone in for TTC probs and eventually had a high risk pregnancy and a hard time bouncing back. I often wonder if I would still be dx-less NOW if I hadn't decided to have a kid?
Spent the time since then trying to get it under control. Some things like my IR -- are great now. Other things like the extra weight -- that's taking a LOT longer. Sigh.
I so know what everyone means. I look back at a photo of me when I was straight out of High School and I can not believe how small I was (from my view now). But in High school I was always made fun of or had comments towards me about my weight (sure did not help my confidence any). Now I just wish I was that size again . I thought I was so big then .
astrophe - I too found out when I was in my 20's (after going to a fertility doctor) that I had PCOS. Over the years I have done research on it and have asked doctors about it. I have come to find out that having it means that it is a little bit more harder to lose weight with it then for a regular gal with no problems. So, now that I have a reason why it is so so hard to lose the weight it will help me not to get so discouraged just because I know the reason why.
To me it kind of happened the other way around, in HS at my heaviest I was 181lbs and I certainly did not think I was "huge". Yea sure I could tell I had to buy bigger clothes and my back fat rolls were starting to touch but unintentionally I lost 20lbs and EVERYONE told me I looked so skinny! I couldnt tell the difference beside my pants fitting looser but now that I look back at pictures of my heaviest, like my senior picture, OMG wow I certainly did not think I looked that big! I'm glad I lost the weight and I want to lose another 20-30lbs
The same effect I think will happen when I look at pictures of me now, and I can't wait for that
Yep, I'm now the same weight/size I was as a young woman. I was always wanted to be less than 130. I remember the year I gained 100 lbs. I wasn't THAT worried about it because "I was already fat anyway". So much wasted angst.