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Old 02-03-2003, 04:22 PM   #1
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Exclamation warning! weight/mother-in-law vent inside

My mother-in-law came to visit yesterday and almost immediately commented on my weight loss. I’ve lost 15 pounds; I have 105 to go … I’m pleased with my accomplishment, but I’m the first to acknowledge that it’s just a drop in the bucket and REALLY isn’t noticeable. So, instead of her comment flattering me, it PISSED me off! I feel that she constantly scrutinizes people and judges them solely on their weight. I know it has nothing to do with me and EVERYTHING to do with her, but it still bugs me!

Many members of my dh’s family have weight problems, including his mother (my mil!). She is obsessed with weight, not only HER weight but every other family member’s weight, too. It’s really obnoxious. She once pulled me aside and asked if she thought my dh would be motivated to diet if she told him she’d give him $100 for losing 50 pounds. I told her to ask him and she said “no, he’ll get upset”. I said “then I think you know the answer, don’t you?” Her comment “I thought YOU would WANT your husband to be healthy.” I almost told her that when she gets HER husband to lose weight she can tell the rest of us how to do it … but I kept my mouth shut … we all know a person needs to be self-motivated to lose weight permanently!

Another time one of her college-aged grandchildren, “B” spent a good chunk of time – like 4+ months studying in another country. Before going she started to lose weight but while gone she had dropped from like a size 20 to a about a size 6. During a phone conversation her older sister had reported to grandma that “B is a thin as a pin” … mil kept quoting that and couldn’t WAIT to see her. She came to visit and to me she looked unhealthy. Her face was gaunt and I’ve seen healthy 8-year-olds with arms bigger than hers were. Yet my mil was ALL OVER her -- LITERALLY! She kept touching her and stroking her arms and saying things like “look at your nice thin arms” and “you are REALLY beautiful.” This bugged me cuz the girl’s sisters – one 2yrs older, one 6yrs younger -- (both healthy and active and not model-thin) were nearby. I thought grandma was sending terrible messages. When I mentioned to my mil that perhaps B was TOO thin she accused me of being jealous. Well … we later learned that the poor girl was suffering from anorexia.

But, did my mil learn?!?! NO!! When B again became overweight mil whispered “what a shame.” B graduated from college and taught school for a year. This past fall, B went abroad on a Fulbright Scholarship. She came home for Christmas but since they live in another state, mil didn’t even see her. Nonetheless she happily reported to dh and me “B lost weight, but she’s not anorexic!” Why does she know this? Did she ASK? You speak to your granddaughter for the first time in 4 months and you talk about her weight? And … then you ‘spread the news’ about her weight? Not “she’s doing well”, not “she’s happy”. None of that! Here’s a brilliant young person on a FULBRIGHT SCHOLARSHIP for crying out loud … that is a MAJOR accomplishment – and her grandmother measures her success by the number on scale. UGHHH!!!!

I don’t like people scrutinizing me and the fact that the comment about my weight loss came from her really bugs me … it doesn’t matter to her that I’m good at my job, or that I’m a good Mom or a good wife or even a lousy housekeeper ( ) I KNOW she’s believes that life will not be good unless I’m thin. Well you know what? I do want to be thin, but I LIKE my life. I AM happy!

Thanks for letting me vent!!
Starting again in 2006!

start 2-20/current/short term goal/long term goal

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Last edited by Step; 02-03-2003 at 04:44 PM.
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Old 02-03-2003, 06:41 PM   #2
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Isn't it frustrating? My overweight dad used to bribe me with money all the time. Then, when he lost a lot of weight on SlimFast, he rubbed it in my face all the time. But you'll be quick to notice when he gained it all back plus some, I didn't say a word!

B accomplished a lot. I'm looking for a Fullbright and it's a hard hard thing to get. I hope she knows how much she isn't her weight.
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Old 02-03-2003, 09:19 PM   #3
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Ahhh..the worlds of MIL's. While I was married, I had many of many issues with mine. She too was overweight, and her daughter was really really overweight, but while I crept down to my lowest of 188 lbs from 250..she never said a word. Not one. But while I gained it, she had plenty.

Forget her. She's not worth it.

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Follow your dreams and dance to the beat of your own heart. Fly to the stars and claim one for your own.
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Old 02-03-2003, 09:41 PM   #4
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Thanks guys...
You guys are wonderful even when you are venting I was reading through this thread and realized how great my MIL is. (now my mother is a whole other thread )
I just emailed her and told her - I think I made her day.

Being with positive people can really make a difference in our lives. They can make the difference between sucess and failure.

I feel for ya step!!

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Old 02-03-2003, 10:11 PM   #5
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I have to comment on MILs. I want to trade mine in on another one. Does anybody want her? She has a thing with long hair and I am growing it out *my choice* not hers. She has to make comments about how nice it looks now, as comapred to what? When she first met me it was very short, shaved up the back and I had 2"spikes on top and it way burgandy. Now I look presentable to her Church family. I hate it when she comments on my hair. SHe also makes a big deal about me not being DH kids birth Mom stating I am the step-mom and that my birth son is her grandson but not her blood grandson. OK what differance does that make? The kids birth mom is a loser and walked out on DS when he was 3 months old. She never sees him and could care less about him or his sister who happens to be mentally delayed, epileptic, and a bunch a other stuff. DS is 8 and is headed for juvy so if I am not Mom and just a *step-mom* then what am I doing here? Grrrr I do not like my mil or fil they both suck

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Old 02-04-2003, 01:37 AM   #6
if only she'd lose weight
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That is awful about B. I think I would let her comments go in one ear & out the other. She's not worth it.

My grandmother offered me $1,000 to lose 40# in a year. Not sure if the offer still stands, but if I get down that much by Rachel's wedding, I think I'm going to see if it's still good.

Daphne, I love your avatar!

"It's never too late to be what you might have been." -George Eliot
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Old 02-04-2003, 02:17 AM   #7
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Uh-oh, I AM a mother-in-law! I try to be a "good" mother-in-law, though.

My mother-in-law was much more overweight than I ever was so she never said a darn thing about weight. My parents and grandmother, however, were a different story. Like Steph's MIL, my mom and grandma would always comment first about a relative's weight rather than their accomplishments. My mother never directly said anything to me about my weight, but my overweight father did. I finally called him and told him that if he mentioned my weight again, we would no longer come and see him and my mom. I also had to do that with my grandmother--being old is no excuse for being rude, IMHO! They did both quit, but you never get over the feeling of being not quite good enough for them.

Of course, my father bugged me about my weight when I weighed 145 lbs. (I'm 5' 9") in high school. I had a friend who was 135 and was an inch taller than me. He always wanted to know why I couldn't be more like my friend. I wish I would have replied, "because you passed your fat genes on to me" instead of being silently hurt by it.

Having a DH that loves me no matter what weight I am really helps. Now all that "stuff" comes more from within, if you know what I mean. *Sigh*

The grand essentials of happiness are something to do, something to love and something to hope for - A. K. Chalmers.
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Old 02-04-2003, 05:59 AM   #8
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Default hugs!

Hang in there-maybe we should get my mom together with your mother in law

I know just how you feel, but don't let her ruin how well you're doing!

Take care,

I'm lucky to have a lovely mother in law...
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Old 02-04-2003, 08:46 AM   #9
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My mother-in-law died after a long illness, and I barely knew her before she got so sick ... from all the stories about her, I think she would have been both a blessing AND a pain! I'm mostly sorry that my daughters never got to know their grandma.

But would I say you should be grateful you HAVE a MIL? No way!!! I've heard so many stories of both bad and great MILs. All I can say is I never want to be the horrible MIL!!!!

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