A) all Australians are uber-fit blond and gorgeous - it's a national trait......
B) I once went to a physcologist to be referred to a specialist therapist for weight issues, ( which was interesting and whole other story) and HE said to me,
"have you tried not eating between meals"?
WHAT???????????????????? THIS WORKS??????????????? Well if ONLY someone had told me that earlier.
I'm a little late (17 awesome responses already!), but I can totally understand your frustration, runningfromfat! Assumptions + unwarranted advice + a reasonable desire for privacy are terrible company, and I'm sure every one of us here has had these days.
My situation is a bit different, as I live in Asia, where my weight makes me stand out as much as my white skin does, but the comments seem to be the same in every country. Everyone has advice, even when it's not asked for (and it's NEVER asked for because I'm stubbornly independent and fairly quiet about my weight loss efforts), and the advice always falls into 2 categories: the ridiculously OBVIOUS (did you know you have to burn more calories than you take in???????) or the absolutely WRONG and UNINFORMED (your calves are already too big, so you shouldn't do sports that use your legs too much... or... why did you buy a kettlebell? you can lift your water bottle and it's the same thing).
There's also the extra layer of ethnic/cultural differences I have to deal with, mainly that it's not very easy/common for girls to get to my size here, and therefore people think the only way I could possibly be this way is by eating McDonald's every day (as all Americans do, of course). On the rare occasion that I do eat at McDonald's, I make sure to fold over the bag to hide the logo, lest people on the street see what I'm eating and give me that judgmental look I often see (or worse... snickering, usually from teenage boys). Sometimes it can outweigh all the confidence I have from committing to losing weight.
Perhaps the worst part is knowing that not one of these people has ever been in my shoes, yet I'm way too nice and forgiving... they know not what they do, as they say, or they were raised to butt into people's business as often as possible and don't share my idea of personal boundaries. But what is there to be done? It's one thing to tell someone their advice is not welcome - and that may help the next person they consider "helping" - but the damage has already been done to my mood and my confidence.
On a happier note, I do appreciate it when people around me acknowledge that they've noticed I've been getting serious about exercise. I still kind of dread the stupid question "So, you're getting serious about exercise, huh?" and list out the things they've noticed I've been doing, but their reactions are generally positive "I think it's awesome" kind of stuff. As long as they don't make me talk about it at length, and we focus primarily on my athletic acccomplishments (you swim *how far* every day?), it makes me feel good that people have taken notice, and gives me a little extra motivation as well.
This whole thread just sums up my life. Feeling judged for my weight, feeling judged for losing weight (if that makes sense), feeling insecure and weak for struggling at all and being able to come here where everyone "gets it". I love it!
I, too, have a problem being put on the spot about it. It puts me on the defensive and brings insecurities I thought that I was getting over back to the surface. Especially with strangers. If it is someone close to me, I feel a little more comfortable. They've already seen me at "my worst", so things can only get better, and they will support me even if they don't understand.
With strangers or co-workers, I don't know what is being said after I leave. I don't know if they are genuinely concerned or curious or if my experience is unpleasantly disected and anylized amongst them. Kind of like I am going to get a guilty verdit by a jury of my peers regardless of how well I've done or for what reasons I've done it.
It was actually my mom that outed me after I gave a non-committal answer to a family friend and disclosed that I was really serious and really worked hard to get to where I was
That totally happened to me, too! A friend asked me how much I'd lost and guessed about 20 lbs (it was 60 at that point), and I just smiled and said, "Around there." My mom chimed in and said that it was actually 60 lbs. I almost laughed at how shocked my friend was! She said she was shocked that I was that heavy at all (I don't know why - I was obese before).
Also, people are surprisingly bad at guessing how much someone weighs or how much someone's lost, so that's in my advantage to keep my start, end, and goal weight a secret. It's seriously for self-protection. I can't tell you the comments I would get, most of them not positive.
However, overall, I prefer not to talk about my weight loss, not to have others savvy to how I'm losing weight (or even that I'm losing at all).
I get more motivation when I'm the only one who knows. Because then people aren't policing me or anything.
If I could, I would hide it until I hit my goal weight and then tell everyone, "Look, I've lost over 90 lbs. Isn't that nice?" and then switch the subject. I seriously prefer than no one knows until I'm done losing. Obviously, that won't happen.
For some reason, when I was losing faster, I thought that's what I was doing. Then people noticed and I was shocked that they could tell. Lol!
Last edited by LiannaKole; 09-22-2011 at 01:16 AM.
Feeling judged for my weight, feeling judged for losing weight (if that makes sense),
It totally makes sense, kyalpn! Reminds me of something that happened to me in middle school (already overweight) when two girls from my school rode by me on their bikes as I was walking home from school. They shouted "You BETTER walk!"
That happened 20 years ago, and it has stayed with me all this time. I'm sure it's why I'm still embarrassed to let someone see me exercise, and also why I'm embarrassed to hear something supportive like "Oh, you're exercising a lot now? Good for you."
Still trying to overcome those feelings, but I think once you feel judged for something, you'll always feel a bit insecure about it. (Similarly, a kid in a grocery store once called me a pink whale while I was wearing a new pink dress that I loved - I never wore it again after that day, even though other people had given me compliments. Come to think of it, I avoided pink for years after that, too!) I'm guessing we all have comments like this in our pasts that cause us to be extra sensitive, even when people are trying to be nice. It's a shame that the rude people in our lives render us incapable of taking compliments.
If it makes any difference, I think you're all doing great, you're all doing it exactly the right way, and you are in need of no advice until you ask for it!
I just wanted to throw in a bit too, even though so many others have already said wonderful things. Maybe I'm a b**** or maybe I just really have had enough experiences with crud people to know. But, people who ASSume you did it unhealthy or nag you about and especially DOWN SIZE the fact you lost it- saying baby weight- or whatever. MANY in my opinion are uncomfortable with themselves and if they admit you did it healthy and you did it awesome and you look great- that means they'd have to hold themselves to that standard- and many don't want to! They want to be lazy.
And others are jealous, period. Jealous you did it, or you look great, or that they don't have the motivation.
I love my friends, it's obvious that many of the bigger ones- (like me mind you) wont ask about it, wont comment on it, and WHEN they do it's to say how much I have NOT changed or they didn't think 4 or 5 pants sizes would look so much the same. And the smaller ones don't realize my struggle and wont to stop for ice cream or fast food.
Some of it is just by people not thinking, but the flat out rude comments are from flat out rude people. Including your doctor! Maybe he was trying to check, because losing weight in society these days with all the media, so many women turn to the wrong thing. Next time you remind him you just have commitment, motivation and willpower! It was all you. And then say thank you for NOTICING!
There will always be someone who doesn't like you or what you do. When many people see someone do something amazing they feel the need to down size it, because if one person does something amazing it shows it's DOABLE, and that they should be getting healthy too. That's my opinion.
I'm really not a mean person, I know because I used to be one of them. When a friend would lose weight I'd ignore it, I'd leave it alone, or tell her to quit throwing up. It was my self image taking a hit. Because she was doing it, I wanted to but was lazy so I had to make her feel like crud so I could feel better and convince myself I DIDN'T NEED TO CHANGE. Thank God I am not that person anymore.
It's awesome what you are doing, you be damn proud of it. And, next time they tell you it's baby weight, you should make a joke and say yeah 240 to 179 three years later I pretty much did lose a whole baby- toddler even.
You need to know you deserve to feel great. My mom has always told me "Don't let anyone else decide your happiness, or how you feel about you- especially a man." The man part doesn't fit so much here, but letting what others do or say decide if you are happy or upset is never good. You decide how you feel. If you emotions depend on how someone treats you, you'll always be bothered.
People have their own reasons to say rude things, I pity them. Because being molested for so many years of my life I learned that for someone to do something so horrible they must had had a hard life or struggle. Remember that next time, it's sad for them to be that way- it's not your fault, and they only do it because they are in some way unhappy with themselves.
I went on a rant, I'm sorry. I think it's great, you shout it from the rooftops and be proud and ignore those comments. You know what you did even if they don't, and if they don't want to genuinely know because they'd feel upset with themselves, it's all on them! Congratulations, you worked hard. And hard work deserves to be noticed in a GOOD way!
I NEVER bring up weight with anybody. I refuse to say you look like you've gained weight, like so many have said to me. Really, thanks for telling me, I never realized. I don't want to talk about the weight I'm losing because even the nicest people will say something like oh you look so much better than before, you were really big! The well intentioned remarks invariably come out wrong, then you feel self conscious with them, my goodness, what did they think of me BEFORE. So I'm just going ninja on the entire subject, about myself and about everybody else.
I get these issues all the time. A few months ago, my dentist, whom I've gone to for over 20 years, commented on a recent weight gain, which is due to some health issues and job stress. He made me feel very uncomfortable, almost to the point where I dreaded going to his office. He realized the faux pas, I think, and hasn't mentioned it since. My doctor is another one. I told him a number of times I wasn't interested in bariatric surgery and would he please not bring it up again. Well, at the last visit, he did. I reminded him that I'd asked him not to mention it and he said, "Well, it's been a year." Jeez. On the bus the other night, I was sitting across from two women, strangers to each other, but who started a conversation. One was older and very thin and a little crazy looking. The other was in her 20s, wearing workout clothes, was fidgety and looking like she was on drugs and never eats. I heard them mention a gym. When I got off the bus, the older woman approached me and started to tell me about the local Curves! I just walked away. The insistence of some people to mind other people's business never ceases to amaze me.
I've never been comfortable talking about my weight. It has gotten a little better since I have lost a significant amount so I can put a positive spin on the subject, but I never bring it up first. If someone asks me for advice, I try to answer those kinds of questions.
A few days ago, a mere acquaintance commented that I look thin and she worried I was getting too thin... What?! I'm still 200 pounds and obese according to my BMI. I don't even really look "thin" - my belly is still big enough to keep me in plus sizes.
I don't know how to react to a comment like that...
Last edited by JustSharing83; 09-22-2011 at 04:11 PM.
I try to be patient with the healthcare professionals. They see a lot of patients and many of them have good intentions and we treat them like they're not human beings.. Oh and my doctor is hot and gets my sense of humor. In most ways, I adore him but he's such an idiot when it comes to weight.
Here's our annual conversation:
Him: Soooooo.....
Me: Before you even discuss my weight, here are the things I want to address -- (X, Y, Z).
Him: Okay, and then --
Me: And then you can strain yourself by flipping back a few pages and looking at my PREVIOUS weight and comparing it to my CURRENT weight and then we can have a discussion.
Him: Oh. You've lost a lot of weight.
Me: What??? No.
Him: Hey! We don't HAVE TO talk about your weight.
Me: No, I WANT to talk about my weight. I want to hear you tell me how many patients you've had that you've told to lose weight and lost weight.
Him: Point taken.
Me: You know, they give you the history of the patient BEFORE you come into the room to prevent you sticking your foot in your mouth.
Him: Okay smartass, so (X,Y, and Z).
You would think after a couple years of this he would learn. Sometimes I thinks he does it because he likes it when his hot red-head patient yells at him.
totally agree with you on this. what always kills me is if someone mentions i lost weight they'll ask what im taking. wth? why do i have to be taking something to help me lose weight? can't i just do it the healthy old fashion way?
Thanks everyone for all the thoughts and responses. I read every last one of them and laughed along with some of them and others I just wanted to send lots and lots of hugs about. There are so many that I just can't respond individually but I really enjoyed reading all of them.
I'm not sure why every time my weight loss comes up it invokes such responses. I actually when in yesterday to get a suit of mine altered so I could wear it still instead of buying a new one. It was HUGE on me and so the tailor was asking me about my weight loss. Then she asked me if I had had surgery! According to DH people are just much more upfront here and I guess I just need to suck it up and get used to it. She didn't ask at all in a condescending way, just curious so I didn't get upset or anything, it was more that I was surprised.
People who attack negatively are only reverting their internal anger outwards. They are angry with themselves! It's easier to attack then to be happy for someone....honestly I don't know how???? But there are people like that in this world...unfortunately! I'd be interested to know if any of these people were overweight themselves???
I don't have much else to say but don't let them get you down, you are doing an amazing job and your doing it the right way!
I love it!
There are so many that I just can't respond individually but I really enjoyed reading all of them. 
