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My son just told me I'm the fattest girl he's ever seen

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Old 09-18-2011, 04:42 PM   #1
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Unhappy My son just told me I'm the fattest girl he's ever seen

I've been doing so well since I recommitted myself to losing weight 2 weeks ago. Since then I've been consistently on plan and I've lost 9 lbs in the last two weeks. I know that I'm fat but I'm trying to change that. He broke my heart. Part of me knows I should punish him for being so hurtful, but part of me thinks why should I bother when he's right, I am fat, maybe not the fattest person he's ever seen, but still fat.
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Old 09-18-2011, 04:50 PM   #2
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I think a lot depends on how old your son is. If he is a little kid, like 3 or 4, I wouldn't punish it. I would explain how it made you feel though. Good time for a lesson in being kind. If he is like, 7 or older he probably deserves a consequence because I think at that age they KNOW when they are being hurtful. Whether it is true or not is no reason to be cruel.

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Old 09-18-2011, 04:54 PM   #3
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*hugs*

Dont let this get you down. Let this motivate you to continue your commitment to not only weight loss, but living a healthy life with your son (and his kids!). You can do this. Maybe try to get in a short workout today? Endorphins will uplift you and it will reinforce your path to getting healthy.

Definitely a teaching moment for your son, regardless of age. But agree with Lyn that if he is at the age where he didnt intend to be hurtful, but was making an "observation", punishment isnt correct.
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Old 09-18-2011, 04:54 PM   #4
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How old is your son? I don't think he was purposely trying to cause your hurt. Young children are brutally honest, they will say whatever is on their mind and very young children usually don't consciously understand the context of how certain words and phrases can cause emotional harm. He's also probably just using what he sees in his environment as a reference point. Does he attend day care/school? If he's around 1-2 adults as teachers and mostly children for the day, it can contribute to what he sees.

Of COURSE you are not the biggest person he's seen in his life, he's probably pulling from what he sees typically in his day-to-day setting and the people he is around the most.

Your son loves you, very much and I know he has to be proud of you for losing weight! A BIG congrats on losing 9 pounds already! Look how fantastic you are doing.
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Old 09-18-2011, 04:59 PM   #5
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He's 6.5. I asked him why he said it and he told me it was because I wouldn't let him play PS3. So it was him being spiteful because he didn't get what he wanted.
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Old 09-18-2011, 05:03 PM   #6
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He's just being spiteful, I'd punish him. But chances are he's not going to remember it later on when he gets older. Don't let it get to you! You're doing a fantastic job, 9 pounds in two weeks!? That's great! Keep up the good work and before you know it you'll be reaching your goal in no time.
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Old 09-18-2011, 05:10 PM   #7
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In that case, he is still young but I would definitely sit down and have a calm conversation with him. How did you respond when he told this comment? I would have a discussion on how words can indeed hurt people. I would even pull a few picture books for children in his age range for reading time for the week. He still might not understand how deep words can go, but it does sound like he was lashing out.

A couple book suggestions just in case:

When Sophie Gets Angry Really, Really, Angry
When I Feel Angry
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Old 09-18-2011, 05:14 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lambiechop View Post
He's 6.5. I asked him why he said it and he told me it was because I wouldn't let him play PS3. So it was him being spiteful because he didn't get what he wanted.
First of all, Second of all, he is old enough to know better. My oldest (twins) are five and a half, and they know better. I would tell him that we don't talk about people's weight, explain to him that it is mean and hurtful, and I would tell him that until he's ready to be polite and respectful to his mother, he won't be playing the video game. I'm not a fan of kids playing video games anyway, but NO WAY would I let my son play if he disrespected me like that. If he's talking to you that way, how is he talking to others? You're doing a good job losing weight, so use his comments as more motivation, and assert yourself to your son. Don't let this derail you, you deserve to be healthy, and your son needs you.
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Old 09-18-2011, 06:17 PM   #9
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Great job on your hard work. Kids don't have filters sometimes so a reminder is necessary in reponse to your son's comment. I've had to remind my two that they never describe people by their size or their skin color. Know that he loves you and keep up the good work.
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Old 09-18-2011, 07:06 PM   #10
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*hugs* no matter what age, that's a teachable moment. You'd crawl under a rock if he said that someone ELSE so how else can kids learn what's OK and what's hurtful and unkind unless we teach them
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Old 09-18-2011, 07:48 PM   #11
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He's old enough to realize that he said what he said just to get back at you for not allowing him to do something he wanted to do. He said a mean and hurtful thing ON PURPOSE. The punishment should fit the crime - some time out from PS3. A heart to heart about how and WHY mean and hurtful things are not allowed in your home. Maybe even a written apology to you to show he understands.

My reaction would be different if he hadn't admitted to saying it for spite. No one deserved to be treated with spitefulness. I know he's pretty young. My DD went through a phase where she said "I hate you" when she was angry. We had a very serious talk about how much that hurt me, daddy, grammy, her best buddy across the street. I told her she could do other things when she was mad. She could stomp her feet or punch the couch cushions. But she could not be mean and hurtful. Maybe a similar conversation would help your son realize we have other ways to vent anger and frustration. Helping them cope with feelings is so important.

Keep your chin up - you're doing a great job. Nine pounds in 2 weeks is fantastic. Get the little guy on board and I'll bet he becomes your biggest supporter. Or your worst nightmare when he reminds you that you shouldn't eat something - usually in a public place!

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Old 09-18-2011, 08:14 PM   #12
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Originally Posted by linJber View Post
He's old enough to realize that he said what he said just to get back at you for not allowing him to do something he wanted to do. He said a mean and hurtful thing ON PURPOSE. The punishment should fit the crime - some time out from PS3. A heart to heart about how and WHY mean and hurtful things are not allowed in your home. Maybe even a written apology to you to show he understands.

My reaction would be different if he hadn't admitted to saying it for spite. No one deserved to be treated with spitefulness. I know he's pretty young. My DD went through a phase where she said "I hate you" when she was angry. We had a very serious talk about how much that hurt me, daddy, grammy, her best buddy across the street. I told her she could do other things when she was mad. She could stomp her feet or punch the couch cushions. But she could not be mean and hurtful. Maybe a similar conversation would help your son realize we have other ways to vent anger and frustration. Helping them cope with feelings is so important.

Keep your chin up - you're doing a great job. Nine pounds in 2 weeks is fantastic. Get the little guy on board and I'll bet he becomes your biggest supporter. Or your worst nightmare when he reminds you that you shouldn't eat something - usually in a public place!

Lin
As I so often do, I agree completely with Lin. My son is 7 and sometimes says things about my weight that I know are just from the lack of a filter and he has no intent to hurt me. But he also knows that trying to get smaller is something that is very important to me, and if he were so inclined, he could say something mean and spiteful to me. And like most kids, there are times where he is mad at me and does say or do something deliberately to get back at me.

I think it is especially hard when it's about weight, because there is so much societal pressure surrounding weight. So I suspect that he may not have intended the DEGREE to which this hurt you. But I do think it was still intentional and deserving of a punishment to remind him how important it is to not say hurtful things on purpose. (and yes, it sounds like the PS3 time is the most valuable currency you have so that probably is the most logical choice for punishment).

I also agree that you should try to get him on board as your cheering section - my son does that and it really is very motivating for me because being healthy and being HERE for him is my prime motivation. I wonder if your son feels any jealousy about time and energy that you put in your weight loss? If that plays any role here, getting him on board as your partner should go a long way to helping that.

Congrats on what you have accomplished and don't let this bump in the road derail you!
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Old 09-18-2011, 09:27 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by linJber View Post
He's old enough to realize that he said what he said just to get back at you for not allowing him to do something he wanted to do. He said a mean and hurtful thing ON PURPOSE. The punishment should fit the crime - some time out from PS3. A heart to heart about how and WHY mean and hurtful things are not allowed in your home. Maybe even a written apology to you to show he understands.

My reaction would be different if he hadn't admitted to saying it for spite. No one deserved to be treated with spitefulness. I know he's pretty young. My DD went through a phase where she said "I hate you" when she was angry. We had a very serious talk about how much that hurt me, daddy, grammy, her best buddy across the street. I told her she could do other things when she was mad. She could stomp her feet or punch the couch cushions. But she could not be mean and hurtful. Maybe a similar conversation would help your son realize we have other ways to vent anger and frustration. Helping them cope with feelings is so important.

Keep your chin up - you're doing a great job. Nine pounds in 2 weeks is fantastic. Get the little guy on board and I'll bet he becomes your biggest supporter. Or your worst nightmare when he reminds you that you shouldn't eat something - usually in a public place!

Lin
I agree., It's just a variation on the I hate you thing and reacting to it will make it worse not better.
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Old 09-18-2011, 09:38 PM   #14
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Hugs! I know that hurts bad... my kids have said it before too. It was used as a teachable moment (they were all very little when they said it) and a life lesson about how we treat one another. But still, it hurt me so badly.

Great job on your hard work so far! Do NOT let this get you down! Keep on going, you're doing great!
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Old 09-18-2011, 09:52 PM   #15
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Congratulations on your weight loss. Keep on doing what you have been doing, and don't let hurtful comments derail your progress.

As for what your son said - children don't automatically know that they should not say hurtful things. As others have mentioned, this is a teachable moment, have a heart-to-heart chat with the lad. One of your jobs as a parent is to raise your child to be a compassionate, helpful adult.

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