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I stand here not knowing exactly where to go or what to do

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Old 08-15-2011, 09:38 PM   #1
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Default I stand here not knowing exactly where to go or what to do

I know I have been around off and on....mostly off, and it shows on the scale. I will just say it, as painful as it is, and trust me, it is. I have gained back 17 pounds within a year. Last summer I was at my lowest of 185, and was 7 pounds away from hitting 100 pounds lost mark.

It's hard to explain what happened, but I will try. I started getting more attention to my new, more trim body, and at 185, while still obese, I thought I looked pretty good, and apparently others did too, and that SCARED me.

I would get a "Oh My, you look amazing", and men would start to flirt and look at me in ways they rarely have before....and yes, this scared me.

Of course, this is just a small issue of many. It's not secret that I emotionally eat, and I have been depressed lately, depressed that I can't hold normal relationships with the opposite sex when everyone around me can. I refuse to even be introduced to someone new cause of issues revolving me and romance. ( or lack there of )

Shoot, I even upped my physical activity, I still worked out 3-4 days a week at the gym, and took a zumba class every week. I guess I should be thankful I kept up with physical activity.

Exactly a year. Exactly 17 pounds gained. Depressed and SO ANGRY at myself for allowing this to happen. 7 freaking pounds from 100 lost and I let myself go for issues I can't even explain correctly.

I just don't know what to do anymore. But thought I'd at least get this out there and vent a bit. See if you amazing people can give me any advice or even simple words of encouragement, or at least an e-hug. I know I must change, but not sure how to when I know in order to change the outside, you have to change the inside, and I tell ya, my insides are confused and beaten up

Sometimes I feel so alone, has anyone ever gone through this before to get past it and excel at this journey of life?
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Old 08-15-2011, 09:45 PM   #2
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Girl! Get back on Plan!
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Old 08-15-2011, 11:03 PM   #3
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So you're down 75 pounds and you've identified at least part of why you gained in the first place. Is that all bad?

What kind of resources do you have to work on the inside--is therapy an option?

FWIW you're far from the only woman who's eaten to try to be invisible to men.
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Old 08-15-2011, 11:15 PM   #4
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First off...BIG . While I haven't been in your shoes, I'm certain that what you're going through isn't easy.

That said...I think your profile name says it all. You were Born to Fly. I think it's time you embrace that part of who you are. That person must have been inside dying to get out when you started this journey and I think she's still there.

So...fly girl. And love yourself and your journey and your success so much that the extra attention is barely noticeable.
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Old 08-15-2011, 11:26 PM   #5
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Not to mention - you're catching yourself before you fall so hard it feels impossible to get back up.

So you've distanced yourself from romantic interactions. Right on. More time to focus on you. As cheesy as it sounds, YOU need to woo you. YOU need to fall in love with you again. And let the others wait in line.

I am a huge fan of therapy. When used correctly, it helps you work it out and then sends you on your merry way with tools that you need. Plus, as a mother of two and a partner to someone in school full time, I LOVE going to talk to someone who is paid to just listen to me. Not side with Eric for his (obvious!) issues or back my mom up when she's (never!) right. ME. It feels good to work on what I want to work on and talk about what I need to talk about.

You obviously have amazing self awareness. You have amazing strength (look how far you've come, Baby!) You just need to put your priorities back in line, dust yourself off, put your support system in place, and get back on it. Not for those 17 lbs. Whatever. For your sense of self that's been hurt so much.

Oh... and don't let your inside voice talk to you so harshly. We let our inner critics be SO HARD. If you wouldn't say those same things to your best friend in the same tone that you are saying to yourself, then it's time to put that bit... *ahem* beast in her cage.

You are amazing!

-Kiki
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Old 08-16-2011, 12:54 AM   #6
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First of all
You need to give yourself credit.
-You were 7 pounds away from your goal.
-You stayed with working out and exercise.
-You only gained 17 lbs in a year.
-You realized what you were doing and instead of ignoring it, you are facing up to it and dealing with it
Working on issues is never easy but you can't work on them if you don't acknowledge they are there. You are doing the first and hardest thing already. Good for you! You are very strong to have come so far and you can get through this. Focus on your strengths and doing this for yourself so you will feel healthy, strong and good. Go easy on yourself and know that you are doing a great job living this life.
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Old 08-16-2011, 07:44 AM   #7
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Born to fly,

You are feeling remorse and regret over living. You made a choice (s) and now you have learned from them. This is Life and it has taught you something you didnt know otherwise.

Now you have choices. Wallow and stay the same or Stand up TAll and start taking your life back again. You do need to take care of yourself and not just because of beauty or getting a man or anything like that but because it does make you feel good, it does make you healthy!

Get back on track, control your life and I'm sure that all this relationship stuff will be a non-issue when you feel good about yourself and you have met the right person!

Hugs
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Old 08-16-2011, 08:29 AM   #8
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I could write what originally came into my head as I read your post, but I would be echoing what everyone else has said so far.

To stop last year when you were so close to your goal was probably a defense mechanism. I hope you resolve your emotional issues, because it sounds like you don't feel you deserve to be at the weight you set as your goal. Or perhaps, by never achieving it, you don't have to keep it.

We are such emotional beings. We are SOOOO much harder on ourselves than we are on each other. PLEASE take time to allow yourself to think about how you feel about you. Love you. Take care of you. Forgive you. Accept you. Then go forward and re-lose the 17 pounds (not so bad, really) and the additional 7. Last time you were on a "diet" to lose about 125 pounds. This time you're on a diet to lose a LOT LESS! Last year is gone. Now is NOW. Make the most of it.

We all get sidetracked sometimes. I read so many posts in here about people slipping a little and then not wanting to come back because they messed up. This forum is like family. No one rejects us because of a small (yes, small) mistake. Please use us all as your support until you get back on track and straighten things out. You are worthy of success. You will achieve it with determination and help from your friends.

Lin
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I lost 93 pounds by Oct 1, 2011 and am holding there for now. We'll see what happens.
New goal: To maintain at about 160 Final Goal: To decide if I need to lose more
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Old 08-16-2011, 09:11 AM   #9
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Everyone already said everything I was thinking. Time to get back on the horse, you can do this!
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Old 08-16-2011, 09:40 AM   #10
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I have to agree with what others said that it's great that you ONLY gained 17lbs AND that you've actually increased your exercise levels! It looks like you already have good exercise habits in place and you only need to focus on your food intake which means getting back on plan is only going to take half the effort vs. when you started.

I get what you're saying about male attention. I'm happily married but it feels VERY uncomfortable for me when guys will try to hit on my on the street. I've forgotten how much I disliked that since it's been so long since I've been at a lower weight (and I'm still at the high end of overweight).

One thing I will say about dating/relationships is that maybe you're feeling awkward and like you're failing at it because you're not looking for guys that share your interests? I always really sucked at the dating scene growing up and it wasn't until I went to college and eventually grad school where I found guys with similar interests to myself. With DH it was almost effortless because we are so alike in many ways (and he also went through an awkward stage with girls).
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Old 08-16-2011, 10:45 AM   #11
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Some of the things that I was going to say have already been said several times over and probably with better wording than I would have used, so I will start by saying that I agree with the posters before me.

One thing that struck me was that you said the attention from men "scared" you. I do not know what your history is with men or why you are scared, and it is none of our business until or unless you want to share it. However, I will tell you about my history though in case it and/or my solution to it helps you in any way. When I was 13 I lost my virginity to rape. When I was 15 I began an unhealthy relationship with a much older man. At 16 I started a different relationship with a boy that was at least my own age, but who was extremely abusive with most of the abuse being mental and emotional. When I was 21 I married one of my best friends while we were both grieving the loss of my mother, the marriage lasted 9 months to the day, though we are still the best of friends. At 22 (heart broken over the divorce and on the rebound) I began a relationship with another abusive man, this time the abuse was mostly physical but there were emotional aspects as well. After our final fight and the police taking him away I finally saw someone and went through some therapy. During that time I learned that part of my weight issues had to do with the abuse I had suffered from men and me trying to make myself unattractive and thereby protect myself from them. The logical part of my brain knew that rape and abuse are not about what the victim looks like, but we don't always work on logic. I got married again to a man who didn't hurt me. We weren't right together, but he was a good man and he helped me start to heal. I started learning that some men could be trusted. I am now married for a 3rd and final time to another wonderful man who loves me no matter what size I am, but I was still unable to lose weight. Finally the docs said I was diabetic and I knew I had to do something so I started to lose weight, but I found myself with similar feelings as you, I was scared of the men who started looking at me. I'm not scared now though. What finally stopped my fear was to learn some self defense and martial arts. I also took up weight lifting. I not only look good, I am strong and I can kick someone's butt if he tries to do anything other than look.

I have no idea if your reasons for being scared of mens' attention are anything like what mine were, but do know that there are solutions other than allowing yourself to stay unhealthy. You deserve to be healthy. It doesn't have to be about them, it needs to be about you. You can do this. The path that you need to take may end up being more complicated than what you originally thought it would be, but there is a path that will lead you where you want to go.
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Old 08-16-2011, 10:57 AM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wyllowbelle View Post
Not to mention - you're catching yourself before you fall so hard it feels impossible to get back up.

So you've distanced yourself from romantic interactions. Right on. More time to focus on you. As cheesy as it sounds, YOU need to woo you. YOU need to fall in love with you again. And let the others wait in line.

I am a huge fan of therapy. When used correctly, it helps you work it out and then sends you on your merry way with tools that you need. Plus, as a mother of two and a partner to someone in school full time, I LOVE going to talk to someone who is paid to just listen to me. Not side with Eric for his (obvious!) issues or back my mom up when she's (never!) right. ME. It feels good to work on what I want to work on and talk about what I need to talk about.

You obviously have amazing self awareness. You have amazing strength (look how far you've come, Baby!) You just need to put your priorities back in line, dust yourself off, put your support system in place, and get back on it. Not for those 17 lbs. Whatever. For your sense of self that's been hurt so much.

Oh... and don't let your inside voice talk to you so harshly. We let our inner critics be SO HARD. If you wouldn't say those same things to your best friend in the same tone that you are saying to yourself, then it's time to put that bit... *ahem* beast in her cage.

You are amazing!

-Kiki
This!!

If therapy is an option for you, it's definitely something to look into. It's completely revolutionized the way I travel this weight loss journey, dealing with the fear and anger and emotions behind the emotional eating.

Great job stopping things so early! 17lbs isn't that bad, definitely controllable. Keep on keeping on, you'll get there!
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Old 08-16-2011, 01:02 PM   #13
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I would agree with most of what have already been posted.

I am glad to see you back!! You'll have that 17 lbs off in no time!!!
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Old 08-16-2011, 08:19 PM   #14
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Girl, get back on the wagon and keep on going. I echo what has already been said above --- you are strong, and you can do this!!

Someone wise once told me this, and maybe it will help you too. "The road to success is always under construction." We are all works in progress. Forgive yourself and move forward.
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Old 08-16-2011, 08:35 PM   #15
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I won't give you diet advice....you got plenty of that here.
As to romance, it will happen when you least expect it.
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Is that your final answer?
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