It's June 1st. How many of you wake up on the first day of a new month thinking this is it. This time I will really do it. It's a new month, a fresh start, a new chance to stick to my food plan and lose weight? I do it just about every month. I have motavation. I have a desire. I have a plan. But it always fails. Why? Because I am a binge eater. It's not a matter of will power. It's not a matter of desire. I have come to realize what I have is a disease. Not a physical illness like cancer or diabeties. But an emotional disorder that has total control of my life. My mood, my emotional state effect my eating habits. My eating habits effect my body and my self - esteem. I eat because Im depressed by the damage I do to my body and my life because I overeat. It's a vicious cycle that I have come to realize I can not change because I have a disease. I will always have this disease. I have a food addiction and this is a war. Food is the devil that haunts me day and night. It calls to me when Im upset, happy, sad... It is the reason that I am unhappy and have no confidence. It controls my every moment, my every thought, my every action. What I say, what I do, what I feel. It effect my whole life. It makes me hide from people at my daughter's soft ball games. It locks me in a dark corner at parties. It keeps me sitting on the couch hiding under a pillow or a blanket. It seeks to destroy my life by making me feel so bad about myself, that I am no longer the same person I used to be.
But now that I understand what it is, I can work towards understanding it and learning how to beat it. This is a war. The only way to win is to admit that the enemy lives inside my head. To beat it, I need to understand it. I need to learn how to fight it. I need to learn how to contol it so that it no longer controls me.
Food addiction is probably the hardest of all addictions. Alcoholics and drug addicts can stop drinking and doing drugs. They don't need those substances to survive. But a food addict can't stop eating. Food is required to live. It is not a substance that can be pruged from your system. You can never be free from food. So this is the food addicts struggle. Finding the balance between what your body needs to survive and what your demon needs to survive. Control is a fine line that can be crossed with just one cupcake or cookie. It is a tug of war that can be lost with one small bag of chips. But it is a war that can be won with phycologial warfare. Understanding your demon and denying it the fuel to control your life. This is my life. And I WILL control it!