I'm really glad you ended up going to the gym Skye. I think these wonderful ladies who responded were so right. Sometimes the hardest part about working out is just leaving the house and getting to the gym. The workouts can be a breeze once you conquer that hurtle of getting to the gym! lol
Also, being kind to yourself is a major part of changing the patterns in our minds as well as the patterns in the physical, ya know? So often we take the things we hear or have heard all our lives so much to heart that we're constantly beating ourselves up on the inside, which is exactly what we have done all our lives and in many cases has lead us to exactly where we are now.
Here is a thought you might want to consider: Guilt is what we feel when we are not living up to our own self image.
And if ya take that just a step further, and consider what self image you are holding yourself to, you might find the key that will help unlock the old patterns of thought that have held you captive for so long. Is the self image you are holding one that YOU came up with on your own, comprised of all the lovely characteristics that you cherish in people yourself, ie: strong, thoughtful, caring, funny, resilient, passionate about what interests you, etc? Or have you unwittingly adapted your self image to what other people seem to expect from you, ie: the fat girl who needs to lose weight, that poor woman, the one who needs more self control, the one who should be at the gym every spare minute she has, etc.?
In my life, I've come to see guilt as a red flag pointing out a thought pattern that I'm clinging to that is no longer serving me. If I feel guilty, the first thing I do is think about why I'm feeling guilty and ask myself if the self image I am holding myself to is true and beneficial for me, or if it was imposed on me by a societal view that was prevalent in my life. Then, I either change my actions or I change my self perception and work on accepting myself as I am, even if it may seem that what I'm accepting is a flaw in my perfection.
I hope that all makes sense and maybe helps a bit. It's just my way of looking at things.