[CherryPie99]

I am in relapse right now - I haven't actually relapsed, per se, but mentally I am in relapse mode. I have the f**k its pretty bad and am feeling pretty sorry for myself.

Over the last couple weeks I've been telling myself that even though I've lost 130 pounds, that I'm still fat, that I can't do this anymore, that it's not worth it, blah blah blah.

I am hoping this phase passes quickly, because it really kind of sucks and I worry about falling into an actual relapse.

[sept15lija]

CherryPie -

[jennyplain]

I relapsed from November of last year to, well, about three weeks ago. I gained back about fifteen pounds (can't bear to change my ticker - I'm such a baby!) and am finally, finally back on track. So right now I'm in a combination of phase 2 and phase 4 - I'm losing again, at a fairly rapid rate, but I'm realizing now that this is a long journey, and that losing fifty pounds was only a rest stop, not the final destination!

[ubergirl]

So many great thoughts here. I'm glad others see these stages too.

time2lose...

It's pretty day to day right now with me, but I'm finally wrapping my head around the idea that this is just how it is for me.

Relapse, for me, is when I'm still telling myself that I'd rather eat than anything else and that I can restart tomorrow.

There are two real things that I think I've learned.

One is that now I'm AWARE that I'm CHOOSING to eat. Before, I always thought that I was under control of an out-of-control craving, but now, I am a lot more honest with myself, and I can see that what I'm really doing is making a series of rationalizations.

The second thing is that I definitely see that I'm stress-eating: it's a specific behavior that I learned to do a long time ago in response to stress. Now, I KNOW that I have other choices for ways to cope with stress, and that the way I'm choosing is not the best way.

That being said, just being aware doesn't necessarily make me stop. Still, I consider it progress.

Trazey-- I thought I had done the work between stage 3 and stage 4 too. But I've had just an over-the-top stressful year. I think maybe if I'd stayed put and not moved, changed jobs, and etc. I might have been able to stay in stage 3 a lot longer... maybe even long enough that I didn't have to hit stage 4. On the other hand, I wasn't molested as a child, but I am a closet icing from the can eater-- I'm not exactly normal but definitely have suffered from a full-blown eating disorder and that just seems to complicate matters even more.

Lesley-- it is one of the great mysteries to me why something as hard as weight loss can seem so easy when it's working. For me, a lot of it has to do with how much I'm concentrating. I have to spend a lot of time thinking about weight loss in order to keep it going. I have to come here and post, and talk about it, and log my food, and weigh myself, and have it be one of my primary concerns. When there is too much else going on in my life and it starts to fade a little, it's a lot harder for me.

[GirlyGirlSebas]

Uber, self doubt explains phase 1 perfectly for me. One of my most pervasive thoughts during this phase is that I'm not one of the "blessed" ones. Some people struggle with their weight throughout their whole lives and never get it right. Others do finally find their way. What is the difference between the two? Those who succeed must have something special about their personality. They must have a Lance Armstrong recessive gene that finally comes into play. And, I might not have this special thing and may never be successful! Crazy thinking, huh? Sounds crazy to me when I type it, yet these thoughts plagued me forever.

Now, I'm in phase II. If feels good! It feels easy! But, I'm still a bit scared because I know that I have food issues that must be dealt with. I'm just not sure of how to really get started. And, if I do try to deal with the issues, then I will bring up hidden emotions and stressors and really struggle to not turn to food or comfort. So, for now, I'm enjoying the ride. Eventually, I'll have to deal with everything.

[ubergirl]

Originally Posted by GirlyGirlSebas

Uber, self doubt explains phase 1 perfectly for me. One of my most pervasive thoughts during this phase is that I'm not one of the "blessed" ones. Some people struggle with their weight throughout their whole lives and never get it right. Others do finally find their way. What is the difference between the two? Those who succeed must have something special about their personality. They must have a Lance Armstrong recessive gene that finally comes into play. And, I might not have this special thing and may never be successful! Crazy thinking, huh? Sounds crazy to me when I type it, yet these thoughts plagued me forever.

It does not sound crazy to me at all, because it sounds EXACTLY like what I always thought. I could have written that post myself. Whenever I read about or saw people with big huge weight loss success stories, I always thought that they had some magic thing that I lacked....the Lance Armstrong recessive gene-- LOL-- EXACTLY!

I've been hanging around these boards long enough to think that some people do in fact have it a bit tougher than others. Some people got fat more or less through inattention, by eating the wrong foods, but not because of any underlying psychological disorder, but others really have a PROBLEM with food-- a problem that goes way beyond just making different food choices. I'm part of the PROBLEM group.

So, it's not going to be easy all the time. But, it's not going to be hard all the time either, and this way, I don't have to be fat.

[krampus]

I'm not an official 100-lb.-Club member, but your descriptions of the weight loss stages are brilliant and I just wanted to thank you for writing it out. I'm at Stage #5, jonesing to skip #1 and get right into #2. I think I skipped stage #3 all together though!

[GoingGoingGone]

How accurate! I'm in stage 4 HOPEFULLY moving on to stage 5

[Fit4Lyfe]

Oh I HAVE to put this on my blog with your permission course and with due credit!!! I am still in phase 1 and raring to go to phase 2

[MrsTee]

I LOVED this post from Trazey - sums up my LIFE!!!

I have been to stage 4 several times, but never made it to 5, mostly pop between 1 and 3 - and can clearly remember the last time in Stage 4 when I lost 33 kilos and felt top of the world.. seems like a lifetime ago, although its only 4 years. But I lost the control I had then, and regained plus...

And agree entirely I always thought all these successful loosers, HOW do they do it? I never will...something must be weak about me...

BUt now with more weight than ever to loose, and being in my early 50s, my health NEEDS me to lose this weight - maybe that will help?
I am a closet eater too, and stopping that is a great big step forward for me. Been 12 days and counting...

[shannonmb]

I'm loving this thread, Uber!

I am pretty firmly in stage 3 most of the time. I just keep doing what I do, weight keeps coming off. I'm not struggling with cravings, I am really enjoying cooking and eating, even having ice cream with my daughter every Friday afternoon after a long while of being afraid one cheat would derail me. I'm really starting to trust myself, really feeling confident that I can take it all the way, and really wondering why it always seemed so impossible before.

I have done some mental work along the way, really always used to think I just LOVE food too much to ever lose weight. Now I know that I have always used food in a big way to soothe my over-anxious personality. I had a really expensive plumbing emergency at the beginning of the year, and while I was waiting 3 days to find out if it was going to be $2000 or $6000, I was in a near-panic and analyzed the fact that if I ate 2 Big Macs, how a sense of calm would come over me. Fought it out without the food. Have been meditating and practicing other ways of dealing with stress.

My catalyst was definitely a rock-bottom. I could see my young (40) life flashing before my eyes, and having a 10 year old, I can't afford to die within the next 10 years because I choose to treat my body like crap -- so it was definitely time to get real. I feel a million percent better, no longer feel on death's doorstep, and very excited to get to the place where I don't feel better, I feel GOOD. REALLY GOOD!

ALL of that said, number 1 still whispers to me. All it would take for me to lose this momentum is one big event (a loss, something really rough) that leaves me saying "who gives a f#%$ right now!" I hope with all that is holy that I have done enough work on myself to combat that when (not if) I go through something like that.

Sorry this is so long! But thanks for letting me put this out!

[PaulaM]

This was an excellent post, lots to think about, thanks all for sharing "your story"

[DixC Chix]

Great thread. Uber, you always make me think.

Originally Posted by ubergirl

One is that now I'm AWARE that I'm CHOOSING to eat. Before, I always thought that I was under control of an out-of-control craving, but now, I am a lot more honest with myself, and I can see that what I'm really doing is making a series of rationalizations.

Amen, sister!! V-8 moment: Just because I log the thousands of excess calories I eat while "I choose" to be off plan, doesn't mean I am in control. I am being honest with myself about the food but I am lying to myself if I say I am in control.

Originally Posted by ubergirl

For me, a lot of it has to do with how much I'm concentrating. I have to spend a lot of time thinking about weight loss in order to keep it going. I have to come here and post, and talk about it, and log my food, and weigh myself, and have it be one of my primary concerns. When there is too much else going on in my life and it starts to fade a little, it's a lot harder for me.

This is such an exhausting focus for me. I went back through my records and charts. Until now it was totally unconscious that every four months I have a week when I have a break (relapse) away from it. Its like I had to 'come up for air' and take another big breath for the next push. I have a lot of self doubt about whether I can keep it up for the long haul.

Originally Posted by CherryPie99

I am in relapse right now - I haven't actually relapsed, per se, but mentally I am in relapse mode. I have the f**k its pretty bad and am feeling pretty sorry for myself.

This is exactly what I'm talking about.

I don't know how to fight it or to strategize a way to deal with it. Is it the super-confidence in stage 3 that leads me to ease up on the focus? Should I try not to get cocky? Or does that rouse the self-doubt beast?

[SMSDREAMER2007]

very well put.

[Nikki6kidsmom]

Great post Uber! And Trazey I just love your thoughts on things. I swear I wish I could find some chicks like you guys to be my girlfriends !

I am struggling as of lately. I am finding myself giving into a small pack of m&m's here and there. While that is not "OMG terrible" I am doing it without thinking too much. I am eating them in the car alone so I don't have to share or be seen .

I am kinda sad feeling like I have to settle at this weight because I haven't lost anymore in awhile. Yet I have put on about 3 pounds lately. I know I am burn out with my current exercise routine and I am revamping it. But it's scary as Sh$t because I am dropping bootcamp which I have done for 1 1/2 years atleast 3 times a week! I started when I was over 200 lbs and lacking strength. Bootcamp has gotten me so far. But for many reasons it is time to change that up.

I am leaving behind something I know and starting with things I am new to. I am dropping my membership at the smaller 24 hour gym because we joined the YMCA as a family. So I am also including my whole family in on my workout time some days. As the wife and Mom this is great for everyone but as a person who for many years put herself last this is potentially bad news if I let it be . I am determined once I hit the gym door to be selfish, while it sounds awful it's a must that I stay focused . I have looked into the classes and I am interested in Cycle circuit ,Bodypump, and bootcamp .I don't know crap about spin class so I am being chicken but I will go.

I will be taking up swimming laps to train for my triathlon.I was on swim team as a kid so I know how it's just to include all 3 things. That too is a new undertaking and kinda scary. I set this goal but don't have it all worked out which drives me nuts. I don't have a bike yet just training on the gym bike for now. I don't know anyone in real life who has done one to quiz on the ins and outs. I know I won't be able to get a real tri bike by August and learn how to ride it properly but I set the goal and have to complete it!

This is alot of rambling I know. I have to get myself back on track and focused. I know this journey will be forever for me. There will be changes that need to happen along the way even now. I am not settling for this is good enough. My friends and family like to say your a size 8 , your skinny , it's okay to live alittle, eat alittle yet giving just alittle makes me feel guilty and out of control. Even 2 days off of workout makes me feel like I will wake up the next day back in the 280's.

This is proving to be almost the hardest part of the journey for me.

I forgot to add my goal for next year is to become a personal trainer. Some days I feel like "Oh I got this!" and other days I must have lost my mind I haven't mastered this myself how can I help others? My husband totally believes in me and encourages me to follow this dream. My teenage children totally support me and tell me "Mom, you have come so far you will do awesome".
I have things set for childcare for my baby boy in the fall and my other kiddos will be in school full time. I haven't been home alone all day in 15 years! This will be my time to go for it yet I am doubting everything about myself. I have always been the defy the odds person. I believe in go big or go home.

I was a plus size teenage model.
I married at 18 by choice.
Had my first child at 19 years old.
Went on to have a total of 6 amazing children.
We live a modern day life. Including sports teams,music lessons, acting, aka BUSY life.
I lost a ton of weight on my own without a Biggest Loser ranch or paying for a weekly support group.
I see things not as a hurdle but as a challenge.

YET I AM FULL OF SELF DOUBT RIGHT NOW. Ugh This journey is full of hills and valleys. I know one thing for sure I love this site and it has helped me more than any other resource out there. I find so much insight, encouragement and inspiration on this board that I am forever grateful for opportunity to be apart of it.