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Coming Clean: Just My Story

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Old 01-02-2003, 10:42 AM   #1
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Default Coming Clean: Just My Story



I need to come clean with myself. I need to get this all out. I need to be able to be real with myself and stop hiding. And where better to do this than here? After almost 2 months of hiding from the scales, I stepped on it today. 240 lbs. At first, I swore the scale must be broken. Then I began the mind games, blaming the added booze and sweets this holiday season. Wasn't 240 lbs of fat, was it? Couldn't possibly be. Cause yesterday I was weighing under 200 lbs.

But it wasn't yesterday. It was over a year ago. And little by little, I allowed myself to regain all of those lbs I fought so hard to lose. I blamed my emotions, my infertility, my seperation, my divorce, my horrible living situations, finances, job, friends...anything and everything possible, I blamed. I even blamed my petite 105 lb Mother for my regain. And at times, I denied it. "Sure, I gained weight, but at least am not as bad as I was on my wedding day in 1999". I kept telling myself that, over and over. That was when I was at my highest weight, 250 lbs. I am at 240 lbs again. Is there really a difference?

When I began to lose weight in 2000, so many wonderful people here shared their stories with me. It was the regain to be scared of. As I marched under 200 lbs, I knew that I would NEVER possibly gain weight again. I would never be that "girl" again. I was so confident. So sure of myself. At first, I gained 10 lbs. Then I avoided the scale, while I played. Then it was 20 lbs, and I avoided the scale. I'd hop on it from time to time, and then try to get serious again. But then, before I knew it, life would throw me a curve ball, that I couldn't handle, and I'd reach for whatever was closest to me. And the beers. No exercise at all. Unless of course you count the countless times I'drun to the store at midnight because I didn't think I could sleep unless I had myself something sweet. Afterall, tomorrow I'd start my diet again, so it would be awhile before I could treat myself again.

Treat myself? This is how I a treatng myself? My body, my mind and spirit? I deserve better than this. Why am I sabotaging my own success? I could try to really reach down into my soul, and try to justify why I reach for the pasta or bagels. Why I feel safe with some added padding. But what's the point? I am tired of justifying why I am fat, why I gained weight. Tired of telling myself that it doesn't matter, cause am still beautiful. Yes, I am beautiful. But I am tired, sore, depressed, unhappy, lazy and miserable. I want better for me. I deserve better.

I could sit here and cry about these 240 lbs. But I won't. It's not gonna get me anywhere. And I can also swear that I will never gain weight again. But I can't say that. But what I can say is this, there is no way in **** that I am going to sit back and do nothing about this. I don't want a new top weight. I know what I have to do for ME. I know how to get there. And I will.

Last week before I hopped on the scale. I created this "no more weight goals, just jean sizes" crazy thought. Again, I was hiding from reality. Today, I logged onto 3FC with alot of determination and confidence. I began to read some posts, and then I thought "I am still not comng clean". Without another thought, I got up from my desk and walked down the hall to the scale. I was thinking or maybe I should say hoping...it would say about 230. NOPE. FAT CHANCE. 240 lbs. So, that means in the last year, I have gained about 25 lbs. The year before that, I gained about 25 lbs. 25 lbs in 1 year...after losing 68 lbs. Argh. The numbers just kill me. And it's not even just those nasty numbers. It's what I see again in the mirror. It's how I feel. It's the stairs that take my breathe. It's the belly that is in my way of my lap. It's the jeans that won't pass my thighs. It's the back rolls. It's the bras that dig into my back. It's everything.

So, this is my way of coming clean to myself. This was a long post, created really just for me and my needs to shout from the top of the roof that I have regained my losses, that I gave up...but now today, I am taking back control and the power. I will now be responsible for my body.

If anyone has stuck through this and read the whole thing....if anything, I hope it gives you the courage, determination and inspiration to not slack off. Do not slow down. Do not put it on hold. You will gain it back very very quickly. And it is so damn hard to grab a hold of that wagon, once your off for too long.

As the new year begins, let me thank EVERYONE here...you all have touched my heart in one way or another.

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Old 01-02-2003, 11:04 AM   #2
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Oh Jennifer! Thanks for your honesty. The longer I am on this journey the more I realize that this is about so much more then food.

You are so right about gaining it back quickly. I've been just goofing around since my step sons were here in August. Once in a great while I start to do the right stuff again. This morning I stepped on the scale and I've gained another 2 lbs. I am now at 212 lbs. I was thinking about going back to ww meetings (I quit when I started working in September) I'm afraid to go because then I will really have to face the truth - not weighing myself in the morning naked is much better then at a meeting. I don't want to walk away from the meeting depressed because I weigh more there then I do at home.

Sorry about this.. now I'm starting to purge. Should I start going to the meetings again? Today I am going grocery shopping - going to re stock the kitchen with good foods - sometimes I'm happy the holidays are over.

Big hugs to you Jen!!! You ARE a beautiful person!!

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Old 01-02-2003, 11:19 AM   #3
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Hi Dana! So glad you posted. Did you quit the meetings because of $$, or because of being too busy? If the meetings worked for you before, and it's not because of $$, I would say yes, do go. Weighing myself on a schedule worked for me before. I stopped. I gained. So now, I must weigh myself weekly.

*HUGS*

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Old 01-02-2003, 11:29 AM   #4
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Oh, Jennifer, your post really touched me. I am sitting here crying. I have been where you are at. I still struggle with the thoughts you having/have had. At one point, I was down to 185-190 from about 290. I ballooned back up to 313 pounds. 313 pounds! How could I do that to myself? Now, I am down to about 217, & I am dreadfully afraid of doing the same thing again. It is a constant thought in the back of my head. I'm terrified I will destroy all my efforts again. It is so very easy to do. It's hard to lose weight. It's hard to maintain weight loss. It's easy as pie to put it all back on. It takes forever to lose 20 pounds... I can gain 20 pounds in the blink of an eye.

But I don't want to do that. I feel better than I have in a long time. I can make it through an aerobics class. I can take the stairs. I don't shudder at the thought of having to park at the other end of the lot. But are these feelings enough to keep losing weight & keep the weight off? Honestly, I don't know. I want them to be desparately, but I just don't know.

But I know I can take it one day, no, one hour at a time. I can live for the present, & not the "what if's" & fear. I can eat healthy right now. I can exercise today. I can drink my water today. I can do this without falling into past traps & unhealthy behaviors that are just right around the corner, calling my name. I can do it right now. I've got enough concerns right now; no sense in creating worries for tomorrow that may not even come true! I can let go & let God. I'll do my best & He will take care of the rest -- He always does, so why doubt Him?

I'm human, & I will never reach perfection. I will slip, stumble, & fall from time to time. It's how I react to those tough times that counts. I will not give up any more. I will not allow food to control every aspect of my life anymore, like I do right now. Food is constantly on my mind. "When can I eat next?" "What will I eat?" "I wish I could have a big ol' piece of cake!" "Why can't I have that big ol' piece of cake? Other people get to! It's not fair!" I can't live the next 50+ years (hopefully!) of my life like that. Food helps me live life by sustaining me, but it is NOT my life. It's a cycle of self pity & I don't want to be a part of that anymore!

I have desires for my life & I want to achieve them. I just can't sit back & allow food to control my life any longer. I've done well so far on my latest journey of weight loss & I just can't allow my insecurities, fears, etc. beat me out of something I want so bad.

Okay, this started as a response to you, Jennifer, & then turned into a cleansing of my own soul. Hopefully, I haven't bored anyone to death! Thank you, though, Jennifer, for having the courage to come clean. I'm here to support & encourage you & everyone else in any way I can. {{{HUGS}}} to us all.
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Old 01-02-2003, 12:03 PM   #5
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Courage is just saturating this room.

Jenniffer, you're the coolest. I would not be able to admit I lost 68 pounds and then gained. Probably, because I'd give up. But the great thing is that you know how to do it. You've done it before, you know why you've gained and you can do it again. That's what I get from your post - use what you've learned and never give up.

Dana, I hated weight watchers. Once you have the basic information, you're just paying someone to weigh you. BUT if you need that kind of push, because you are responsible evey week to a meeting and a group, then go for it. Sometimes knowing you have to get on that scale will help you make it through the tough times. It's so coo you cleaned out your kitchen, I think I'm going to do that when I get home. Thanks for the inspiration!
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Old 01-02-2003, 03:56 PM   #6
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Hi Jenniffer,

I guess this was what my previous post was all about - finally ADMITTING that I'd started to put weight back on. Admitting that yes... I've still got a problem. I haven't solved it after all, and I never ever will - there's no 'fix'. It's a hard thing to do, but we've done it now. This is where we start again.

All of us here know that even if we ever get to our goals - that's not the end of it. That's just the start. For people like us, this thing has to go on for life.

Weight loss isn't everything... there's a lot more to life, but why are we all here if we're happy how we are? Why do we keep banging our heads against the wall? Because at the end of the day, it matters. It's so easy to let ourselves go and pretend we're not that bothered... but we are, aren't we? We DO care about ourselves... and why shouldn't we?

Let's all REALLY treat ourselves and do something about this... let's not settle for second best.

Good luck x

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Old 01-02-2003, 06:10 PM   #7
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oh ladies.. this is all making me cry!!! we are all courageous, wise, stressed people.
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Old 01-02-2003, 08:42 PM   #8
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Jennifer I applaud your honesty and courage. The only person in this life that we really have to be true to is ourselves and it is the hardest thing to do. You are certainly inspiring others to take stock of themselves and maybe be a little more honest in the process. I too have been there in fact am there. Sitting staring at those numbers that seem to inflict so much pain but they are only numbers!

I think back over the last few years and the slow gain that has put me at 319 ( I still hate those numbers!) and I know that the buck starts and stops with me! I did it to myself not the kids, not my husband, not the fight I had with my sister or the rude woman at the supermarket. None of them forced me to put that cake in my mouth or to buy that chocolate and hide it in the cupboard to sneak later when everyone else is asleep. I did it. Taking responsibility for it is hard but the only way you can move on and make the changes you need to make to get back on track.

I believe that life is a journey and that sometimes we take the wrong turn or the wrong fork in the road and have to backtrack or end up on a bumpy ride. The most important thing is that we learn by our experiences and mistakes .

Chin up, at least you have come back to the right place for support and motivation!

Anna
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Old 01-02-2003, 10:13 PM   #9
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wow, that was pretty emotional.. and hopefully educational for me. i mean, i'm only beginning to be successful on my journey, and i don't want the gaining to happen to me.

i'm very thankful for the support of everyone on this board. supporting jenniffer, telling thier own stories, receiving the support themselves. this is the right place for me.
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Old 01-03-2003, 01:19 AM   #10
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Jenniffer & everyone:

I think we've all been there. Knowing we need to do *something*. Standing at the edge of the cliff, wondering if we have the courage to jump off & do what we need to do.

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Old 01-03-2003, 08:27 AM   #11
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i've thought long and hard about jennifer's original post, and everyone's responses. and i've hesitated about saying this, but i just have to.

all that you've said, the regaining,. the struggle, the renewed determination, the fear of success, the fear of not succeeding. all of this drove me to the decision to have the gastric bypass. and i know that csbutton has posted this as well.

the problem was that i had yoyo-ed, just like everyone else, and each time i'd gain more back no matter what i did. up to 500 pounds. my body gave up. and unfortunately, this is common.

it's not the right choice for everyone, and i'm not suggesting that you should all run right out and look into it. but it has worked, and worked very very well for me. for the first time in my life, diet and exercise are actually working the way it works for 'normal' people.

yes, i can regain the weight, but if i follow the plan, that won't happen. it's a plan i can live with. i tell people that some folks are on WW, others on Atkins, others are low fat/low calorie: this is my way of eating. and i'd have to choose one anyway.

please don't consider this advice. i just want you all to know that i empathize with every fiber of my being with this struggle, and that this is the path that i chose, and it's worked for me.

my hope - wish - prayer - is that each and every one of you finds the path that works for you.
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Keeping it off is a hundred decisions a day that help you maintain what you achieved. And that's the hard part. - L Sanders

start: 506 [Sept 2001]
weight at gastric bypass [Jan 29, 2002]: 409
current weight: 225
weight for plastic surgery: 200
final goal: 180

Posts by members, moderators and admins are not medical advice. See your physician before taking advice found on the internet.
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Old 01-03-2003, 09:52 AM   #12
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What courage is here today! It can be a bit depressing to look back and think how so many of us have lost, then gained, lost then gained ... It's so easy for "the professionals" to tell us how we ought to be living, how we're damaging ourselves by the yo-yo dieting ... And it's so easy for us to do the blame game - as has been mentioned by several - And it's so hard for us to just DO what we know we SHOULD be doing.

But blaming other people for our problem is understandable. Yes, ultimately WE are responsible -- but those frustrations are part of our lives, and they will always be part of our lives. It's the way we've chosen to react to them that has been our downfall, hasn't it?

I have let things go myself over the holidays ... and I keep signing myself with my last recorded low, 214.5, with the thought that HEY, I'll knock it back down there in no time! But yesterday I was at 222. And while a goodly portion may well be water retention, I still need to be honest with myself -- get on track, NOW, Pen, or the scale will keep creeping up.

I've used the excuse of being busy not to challenge myself in my workouts (and the one thing I am proud of is that I haven't given up on exercise entirely). I'e told myself that my famiy deserved treats during the holidays, so I bought chocolates and baked cookies -- but they don't need sweets any more than I do. I believe an occasional treat is not bad, but I've really gone overboard. And as usual I've used the excuse of my 1st grader being home for the school break to stray from my eating routine. It's time to start planning how to avoid that during her Spring break.

Jenniffer, thank you for making us all think ... We're never going to be perfect, but we can learn to be true to ourselves and to take responsibility to fulfill our dream of being "normal." You were so close to your goal, and now I know it's got to be devastating to think you've got to do it all again. Most of us have been there, too. I suggest we all do some hard thinking about why we have "given up" in the past so when we start approaching our goal it doesn't happen all over again. My New Year's wish for everyone is that we gain a deeper understanding, and that we march on toward our goals, even with small setbacks on the way, to be healthier, happier and stronger people.

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Old 01-03-2003, 10:46 AM   #13
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Wow - One of the things that I love most about this site is the honesty. Jennifer - Thank you so much for sharing. I too am only a few lbs from my top weight AGAIN. Being successful scares me because I know my tendancy to re-gain. But this can be done. The change is hard, and it takes alot of work and dedication. I can remember being in the grocery store with my husband and him saying to me, I sure miss our old way of eating...but I don't miss that old way of feeling. Well, the old way of eating is back in full force and so is that old feeling. I can feel the weight that is back. It makes me tired, it makes my back hurt. The things that had gotten easier are hard again.

I know that if I am not successful on my own this year, I will need to turn to surgery. And it's not that I think of surgery as being so awful, but with the costs that are involved, it's just a tough choice. And honestly, I know that surgery is not an easy way out and you still have to follow your plan. So what makes me think I'll follow the plan after the surgery...why not just follow it now.

Jan 1 and 2 didn't go well for me. Couldn't manage to get started. Today is a better day. I have my water started and have eaten a healthy breakfast. It took ALOT to get started today. This weekend will be tough. But I think every day will be tough. I don't want to admit to myself that this is work. I want it to be easy. But it won't be. It's going to dedication which is something I lack. My goal is to wake up every day and be the best me I can be. So far I am doing that today.

We are worth it. We really are!
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Old 01-03-2003, 11:00 AM   #14
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*Searching for a tissue for these tears*

I don't even know what to say. I didn't realize that my "cleansing post" would have such an impact on others. But, am glad that it did. It did take alot of courage for me to post that, but more so, took alot of courage for me to accept it all and admit it. I've been living in denial. Isn't it amazing how the human brain functions?

Thank you to each and every one of you for your posts. You made me see that no, I am not alone. We all struggle. But we all can succeed. It's a journey like no other. I've always said that, but I truly mean it. This isn't just about looking good on the beach, or flaunting our waistlines to our ex boyfriends. It goes deeper than that. Much deeper.

While I have been cheering everyone else on here, because I am so sincerly proud of all of you..I forgot to cheer myself on. I had a wonderful OP day yesterday, and I am starting another one today. ANd it's Friday. Friday I usually play a game with myself and convince myself that I somehow deserve a huge bagel for breakfast. I don't deserve any food item. I deserve to be healthy and happy. And am gonna see that I get it.

I can't thank you all enough for everything I get from these boards. I would be lost without all of you. Wether I mention your name, post directly to your post or not...I mean it...each one of you inspire me, encourge me and motivate me.

Thank you.

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Old 01-03-2003, 12:59 PM   #15
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What in inspiring thread! Thanks everyone for posting. I know too how easy it would be to regain my 84 pounds. I've found my motivation flagging these last few weeks and particularly the last few days as my back is giving me pain. I couldn't sleep much last night because of it. I've been in pain for alot of this year, and it wears you down after a while. Yes, I'm in physical therapy for my bilateral hand tendinitis and that's improving a great deal and my knee is almost ok, but now it's the back. It's so frustrating. It would be so easy to raid the chocolate, but I know it will not solve my problem. Gaining the weight again will only make things worse for me, and I've come so far. I never want to go back to where I was. So, I've come to the board for motivation - to know I'm not alone in the struggle. I've read these posts, and I know I'm not alone. So I want to thank you all for being here. I just have to keep trying, keep doing my physical therapy exercises, keep asking for help, keep trying to find healing, as I also try to lose weight. It's my responsibility to take care of myself, so I just have to keep trying, to do my best and let God take care of the rest. It's too much for just me.
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