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Mean things people say *venting about family*

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Old 03-30-2011, 07:25 PM   #1
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Default Mean things people say *venting about family*

So, today I was talking to my grandparents, I unfortunately crave acceptance from my fam, even though I'm the total black sheep of the family.

I lived with my gparents for a long time when I was a kid, things weren't great at home, I feel like I didn't fully have a weight problem/later, disordered eating, until they got custody of me at 14. That's when secret eating and laxative abuse started. My Very Italian Grandmother would push food on me and then later criticize me for being fat. "Your hips are spreading. Your face is blooming."

Augh. Today I told her how much weight I've lost, and she was so proud and said I've obviously been working hard. Wow. I don't expect anything so nice to come from her mouth.

My grandfather, who I've always gotten along so much better with, is pretty insensitive at times, I know he doesnt' think he's being mean, and if a fellow weight loss buddy said this to me, instead of a man who has NEVER struggled with weight, except trying to keep it on...I wouldn't have cared. It's all context, how it's said, etc.

I said, "I've lost just about 60 lbs." and he responded with, "hahaha, that's almost a person!" No 'good job'...nothing like that.

When I had lost My first 20 I told him and he asked how long it took, and then told me I Should be doing what rush limbaugh is doing because he lost 90 lbs in 3 months or something ridiculous like that.

AUGH.

My fam. Not real sure why after 31 years I ever expect anything different.
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Old 03-30-2011, 07:45 PM   #2
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Oh sweetie, I am so sorry.

I swear, some men (especially older men) don't know how to have an emotional conversation so they think by "teasing" they are bonding. I hate it. My father had a brain aneurysm and he literally has no filter on this type of teasing. If I thought he was bad before...

Chalk it up to brain damage and remember that you're doing awesome.
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Old 03-30-2011, 07:49 PM   #3
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*shakes head and rolls eyes* - family...Oy!! And an older generation to boot? Oy! I don't know why family or older folks think its okay so say what they think. Do they lose the ability to edit themselves? And don't get me started on Rush, besides his political views...he's gaining it back, you know... just not sustainable.

It always hurts when they say insensitive things and knowing that they don't have an editor doesn't make it any easier to take. You can't change them so you might as well forgive them. You know that you have accomplished a great feat and are fully capable of continuing this journey. We know it too.

You expect something different because you are a hopeful person. And hope springs eternal.
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Old 03-30-2011, 08:12 PM   #4
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Some older men especially don't communicate well.
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Old 03-30-2011, 08:59 PM   #5
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Sorry that happened, but you are doing so well. Try not to be discouraged.
Love reading your posts BTW, you are just so open - I admire that.
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Old 03-30-2011, 09:11 PM   #6
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I am sorry that your Grandpa was hurtful.. or maybe just not encouraging. It's nice when they know how to say the right things in the best way. Some folks just don't know.

You are doing GREAT!
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Old 03-30-2011, 09:13 PM   #7
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Thanks everyone. Not sure what I would do without the place.

hugs!
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Old 03-30-2011, 09:53 PM   #8
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My grandparents on my father's side can be very....unedited with their words as well. My grandmother used to do things like, tell me that I was too fat and then offer me some of her strawberry rhubarb pie-or make doughnut casserole for family get togethers and try to get me to eat more. Don't even get me started on that darned casserole-even though I love sweets and loved them then, it always made me sick!
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Old 03-30-2011, 10:02 PM   #9
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You are doing great!
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Old 03-30-2011, 10:38 PM   #10
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Oh yes, family can be the worst when it comes to unintentional cruelty. Older men and emotional topics are a particularl bad mix.

On the upside, what wonderful encouragement from your grandma!
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Old 03-30-2011, 10:53 PM   #11
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Fellow Italian here, believe me I get it. They are mostly very outspoken and blunt, and most old people get that way. Let me just say if they took you in, they must love you very much, so never forget that. You know you're doing great, no matter who says what.
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Old 03-31-2011, 08:55 AM   #12
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I am sorry that this happened. I understand why it hurt, but I do think that it would help you to grow a thick skin. I know from experience that life is easier when you develop that thick skin. I have gotten to the point where I have decided not to let my feelings be hurt unless I think the person is intentionally trying to hurt them.

There are two large groups of people that I think tend to unintentionally hurt feelings, men and older people. An older man is most likely to say something.

There is an 80 something year old lady at my church that often makes comments that used to hurt my feelings. I know that she does not want to hurt me, she just does (or did). I decided to start viewing her much the same way that I view children. They just don't have the filter that normal reasonable adults have. Now she can make comments, I just smile and let it slide off my back.
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Old 03-31-2011, 09:52 AM   #13
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It always hurts the most from the people you're closest to. And of course those people are always teh ones you need the most support and approval from. I completely understand and I feel so bad that you had that experience.

I remember my mom's grandmother, who I was extremely close to, one day started pounding at the table and telling me that a girl my age shouldn't be so heavy. "A girl (hand slam) your age (hand slam) should not (hand slam) be so (hand slam) heavy." Good grief, grandma- that one hurt. Granted I've grown thicker skin since then, but people, even when they love us, probably especially when they love us, really have the capcity to hurt us.

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Old 03-31-2011, 10:27 AM   #14
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Oh man, family! And OLD family at that! and OLD & MALE family even further! grrrrr infuriating!!

One thing I've learned in my 40 - odd years (heh I'm very odd!) is that you can never change other people, there's no hope in heaven I'm afraid. All we can do is change OUR reactions to it. Stop and breathe and know they love you but they're of another generation, a bit insensitive, and what can ya do?

My DH has a great saying when I get that "miffed" look on my face -- he says "if there's TWO ways to take what I just said, and one of them upsets you, I MEANT THE OTHER ONE!" hahahahah
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Old 03-31-2011, 11:00 AM   #15
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Sometimes our families don't realize what they can say does hurt us. But don't worry you are doing a great job and we are all here supporting you. The important this is that you are doing this for yourself and no one else. That is how we stay on track!
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