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Dating, dinner and self image (help!)

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Old 02-06-2011, 01:11 PM   #1
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Default Dating, dinner and self image (help!)

This is a two-parter...

First of all, I've lost just about 50lbs now.... sooo close to being in the 100s!!!
But a lot of times, I feel like I'm still as huge as I was before.

I started dating someone back toward the end of December, and he is a bigger guy, but not obese. He's also 6'2" which tends to make him look more lean anyway.

We go out to eat a good bit and he seems to always encourage me to eat unhealthy things. We haven't talked about the fact that I really want to lose weight or that I've lost so much already. He knows I go to the gym and work out a lot, so he knows I value healthy living.

Last night, we went to a Mexican place where everything is basically a la carte. I got one entree item and a side of black beans, and he's like, that's all you're getting?? So I try to deflect by saying I will eat too many chips/salsa anyway.

I want to just tell him I'm trying to lose weight and am trying to eat healthier... but I don't want to draw attention to my size....

which leads me to part 2...

Last night when we were sitting at dinner, a rather large lady came into the restaurant and he made a comment about her size. He wasn't trying to be rude, he just has no filter, so if he thinks it, he's going to say it. She was bigger than I ever was, but I felt so sensitive about his comment. Last night was the first time I realized I'm not like that anymore. My first thought was "she's not that different from me..." and then my second thought was "oh god... she is... I'm not like that anymore!"

It was a crazy revelation! I know I still have a long way to go, but I'm feeling closer and closer to being healthy. At the same time, I still have this awful feeling whenever a guy shows interest that makes me think "what would he see in me anyway?"

How have you ladies made your self image catch up with your weight loss progress?
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Old 02-06-2011, 01:16 PM   #2
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The fact that he has no social filter is worrisome. As at one point or another you're going to get hurt by this, and it might not be because of weight. It might be some other offhanded remark. I honestly think the "no social filter" thing is just an excuse for people to be rude. You are doing great.
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Old 02-06-2011, 01:23 PM   #3
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I don't so much worry about the filter, he DOES know when to keep his mouth shut haha... but I'm pretty much the same way.

The issue is me, not him! He is great to me! I just need to learn to value myself more and learn to see the new me instead of feeling like I'm still 50lbs heavier.
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Old 02-06-2011, 02:17 PM   #4
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You already know he's not healthy for you right now. He's trying to push food on you. He knows that weight is an issue, and he still had negative things to say about someone's size in front of you.

What's more important to you? A) Continuing to lose weight and be healthy B) Settling for someone because you don't think you can do better
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Old 02-06-2011, 02:41 PM   #5
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I'm going to take a slightly different position and say that he's just operating on too little information. He doesn't know that you're actively working on weight loss and he doesn't know that you're sensitive to weight-related comments. Can't judge the guy for how he acts when he doesn't know what's up.

As for the "no social filter" thing, it depends on what he said about the person who walked in and how he said it. To a lot of guys, saying "Wow, she's big!" is no different from saying "Wow, she's tall!" or "Wow, she's got long hair!" They're noting what is (to them) a physical fact not fraught with any deeper meaning. If he said that, he didn't commit a hate crime or anything, he's just a little dense about what words like "big" or "fat" sound like to most women.

You need to have a talk with him. He sounds like an overall good guy (albeit one who isn't too perceptive sometimes), so trust him with your weight loss. You know best how to approach it--with humor, with a serious sit-down, with a few casual comments, they could all work. But he needs to know about it before he can be supportive of it.

There's no shame whatsoever in saying, "I'm working to be healthier." You never know, your guy could become your biggest ally.


Edited to add: If he doesn't know you're working on weight loss, the fact that he asked, "That's all you're eating?" could just as easily be a sign of concern. It's more of an "Are you feeling okay?" than a criticism to me.
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Old 02-06-2011, 02:51 PM   #6
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Originally Posted by Nola Celeste View Post
I'm going to take a slightly different position and say that he's just operating on too little information. He doesn't know that you're actively working on weight loss and he doesn't know that you're sensitive to weight-related comments. Can't judge the guy for how he acts when he doesn't know what's up.

As for the "no social filter" thing, it depends on what he said about the person who walked in and how he said it. To a lot of guys, saying "Wow, she's big!" is no different from saying "Wow, she's tall!" or "Wow, she's got long hair!" They're noting what is (to them) a physical fact not fraught with any deeper meaning. If he said that, he didn't commit a hate crime or anything, he's just a little dense about what words like "big" or "fat" sound like to most women.

You need to have a talk with him. He sounds like an overall good guy (albeit one who isn't too perceptive sometimes), so trust him with your weight loss. You know best how to approach it--with humor, with a serious sit-down, with a few casual comments, they could all work. But he needs to know about it before he can be supportive of it.

There's no shame whatsoever in saying, "I'm working to be healthier." You never know, your guy could become your biggest ally.


Edited to add: If he doesn't know you're working on weight loss, the fact that he asked, "That's all you're eating?" could just as easily be a sign of concern. It's more of an "Are you feeling okay?" than a criticism to me.

I agree with your assessment 100%. I haven't told him I'm trying to lose weight, and he didn't know me when I was heavier, so I don't expect him to be a mindreader.

No offense to the first couple of posts, but I don't view HIM as the problem. Like I said, he's great to me. It's ME that is the issue. And the issue isn't not being able to stick to my plan or that he is unknowingly sabotaging me, I've got enough wherewithal to eat what I want (and not eat when I don't need to) when I am with him.

And I never once said I was "settling" for him. I actually said my problem was quite the opposite- I need to work on getting my self confidence and image caught up to where I am so I can comprehend that he is really into me.
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Old 02-06-2011, 03:02 PM   #7
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Also, asking if "That's all your going to eat" usually means, "I feel guilty eating so much when you're eating so little - maybe she thinks I should eat less". It took me 15 years to convince my DH that I shouldn't be eating as much as a 6' tall man and that he needs to eat more than I do and not feel guilty about it.
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Old 02-06-2011, 03:06 PM   #8
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the great thing is, no one can MAKE us eat right? Moms, husbands, sisters, whatever, they can push and push and push bacon dipped in chocolate and coated in sugar all they want, but they can't actually SHOVE it in your mouth right? LOL that's all you! I like the old saying "start as you mean to go on" If early on you put your foot down (nicely) and say "i'm eating this way for my health, so you can eat it if you want but i'll pass" If that is said more than a few times and he STILL does it, then there's more of a problem at work here.

I have to be honest, i don't love his comment about the fat lady, and I don't really love how you're ok with it because you're NOT that fat anymore, but that's my opinion.
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Old 02-06-2011, 03:13 PM   #9
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I have to be honest, i don't love his comment about the fat lady, and I don't really love how you're ok with it because you're NOT that fat anymore, but that's my opinion.
That's fair, and understandable. I was a little defensive.

I do think nola nailed it though when she said:

Quote:
As for the "no social filter" thing, it depends on what he said about the person who walked in and how he said it. To a lot of guys, saying "Wow, she's big!" is no different from saying "Wow, she's tall!" or "Wow, she's got long hair!" They're noting what is (to them) a physical fact not fraught with any deeper meaning. If he said that, he didn't commit a hate crime or anything, he's just a little dense about what words like "big" or "fat" sound like to most women.
He said "wow.. that's a big lady." And she was- not just in her weight, but in her stature as well. She was easily taller than he is. He wasn't poking fun. He wasn't making a joke out of her, it was just an observation.
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Old 02-06-2011, 03:18 PM   #10
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I agree with Nola... only you know how best to approach it with this guy, whether it's little comments, humor, or a serious sit-down. Personally, most of the guys I'm interested in aren't that much of a mystery. You tell them something straight out once, and they tend to get it. If they don't, moving on may be a better option.

The next time food or weight comes up (I'm guessing it will the next time you're eating, lol), I'd say something along the lines of "Look, I used to be heavier. I'm working on being healthier, so I try to make healthy food choices and not overindulge." Then change the topic. Unless he's really dense, he'll get it. He may ask questions, but, in my limited experience, most guys don't want to talk about diets, and they're perfectly happy to move on to a different topic as long as you don't try tell them what to eat (especially if you're just starting out so he's on his best behavior). You may also want to make sure you have a pic or two of yourself at a higher weight around your place if he comes over, so there's no impression that you're hiding some secret -

If it's been said, and he continues to pressure you to eat more than you want or make comments about people's weight, you can decide whether he's right for you or not, or if a longer, more serious discussion is needed. But until it's at least been said, you can't really fault the guy for trying to get you to indulge in a society that equates indulgence with having a good time.
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Old 02-06-2011, 04:01 PM   #11
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He said "wow.. that's a big lady." And she was- not just in her weight, but in her stature as well. She was easily taller than he is. He wasn't poking fun. He wasn't making a joke out of her, it was just an observation.
Yeah, a lot of guys really don't see "big" or "fat" the way we do. My husband will forever call his best friend from college a "fat *******" (the milder one regarding questionable parentage and beginning with a B, not the more scatological term beginning with an A) when he sees him--and his friend will do the same, even though neither one of them is, in fact, fat. They will holler it in the airport. They will yell it at each other across a crowded street. They have no shame.

So noting that someone is "big" actually seems pretty innocuous to me. It isn't a value judgement or a call to stare at another person. Some people remark on stuff more readily than others--that's where the word "remarkable" comes from. I don't find it malicious. If someone's ever pointed me out as being uncommonly broad (and to the best of my knowledge, they haven't) and did it where I didn't hear or notice any weird looks, it's no skin off my nose.
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Old 02-06-2011, 05:04 PM   #12
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as far as you not wanting to call attention to your weight, he has eyes. He knows what you look like now, and he would probably be pretty impressed as a 50 lb loss is a pretty impressive feat (congrats!) and since it is pretty difficult to do, that you don't want to backslide so you try and continue to eat healthy.

I think we build things up in our heads as to what other people will think of us. I think we put a lot more thought into our own issues than other people do.

Just mention it,it'll be fine.

also, my bf has a problem with...'stating the obvious' ... as well, about people. He's got a touch of asbergers though. Meh.

Anyhow, in regards to people automatically saying to move on without knowing what you guys are like together, is unfair. I can say all sorts of negative things about my bf, and if that was all the info you got you would tell me to leave. ha. But everyone has things they don't like about other people, and with my bf the good far outweighs the bad. We've been together 16 very happy years in march.

Only you know what it looks like from the inside of your relationship.
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Old 02-06-2011, 05:51 PM   #13
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First off, I don't see anything particularly nasty about his comment, nor do I see him as sabotaging you or you settling because you can't do better. You said she was a tall lady, so that could have been all he meant by her being "big". Nothing in your post gives enough information for anyone to be judging the guy anyway, I think.

But I totally feel you on the self image thing! I always feel like I'm trying to talk myself out of thinking a guy is flirting with me, because ew, why would he flirt with me? But then I realise that 1. Guys flirted with me at my highest weight, so that really has nothing to do with anything and 2. I'm 80 lbs lighter, fitter, and healthier. People I'm just meeting are seeing the new me, not the old me. What they're seeing isn't warped by what I used to look like, the way it is when I look at myself. I'm not quite there yet with the self image being all caught up with the weight loss, but for the most part, just pretending I am, and taking a deep breath and telling myself I'm being ridiculous when I start over thinking things has been helping a lot.
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Old 02-06-2011, 06:14 PM   #14
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First off, I don't see anything particularly nasty about his comment, nor do I see him as sabotaging you or you settling because you can't do better. You said she was a tall lady, so that could have been all he meant by her being "big". Nothing in your post gives enough information for anyone to be judging the guy anyway, I think.

But I totally feel you on the self image thing! I always feel like I'm trying to talk myself out of thinking a guy is flirting with me, because ew, why would he flirt with me? But then I realise that 1. Guys flirted with me at my highest weight, so that really has nothing to do with anything and 2. I'm 80 lbs lighter, fitter, and healthier. People I'm just meeting are seeing the new me, not the old me. What they're seeing isn't warped by what I used to look like, the way it is when I look at myself. I'm not quite there yet with the self image being all caught up with the weight loss, but for the most part, just pretending I am, and taking a deep breath and telling myself I'm being ridiculous when I start over thinking things has been helping a lot.
thank you for this post!! I never meant for it to be a pile on with him. I enjoy his company and he makes me laugh so hard it hurts.

Thank you for addressing the issue at hand... I couldn't have explained the way I am feeling any better, and I appreciate your insight. Thank you!
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Old 02-06-2011, 09:20 PM   #15
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thank you for this post!! I never meant for it to be a pile on with him. I enjoy his company and he makes me laugh so hard it hurts.

Thank you for addressing the issue at hand... I couldn't have explained the way I am feeling any better, and I appreciate your insight. Thank you!
No problem! It's like half of you is trying to be excited about your successes and convince yourself that yes, guys really do see you as attractive, and the other half is still thinking you're that person you were x lbs ago. It's just something that will get easier with time and effort, I hope.

Also, you said you wanted to tell him about your trying to lose weight, and I think if you're doing fine losing the weight and he's not making it hard in anyway, you can put it off if it's something you're not quite comfortable with. If he notices you're losing or becomes legitimately worried thinking you're not eating enough, then maybe a conversation is in order, but if everything's fine, you could certainly wait until you think the time is right.
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