A moment of self-reflection derived from.... porn??
 

On occasion, I watch porn. Okay, there I said it. It's not something that I'm particularly ashamed of, but it's also not something I'd ever intentionally advertise. However, a few days ago, I was watching a random, fairly generic porn video, and it got me thinking about weight, sex appeal, insecurity, confidence, and general stereotypes regarding beauty...and the thoughts/musings keep popping in my head, so I thought I'd lay some of them out here -

I am in no way an expert with regards to porn...I couldn't name specific actors, directors or production companies... but in general, unless you are watching more fetish based stuff, chubby girls rarely seem to show up (unless they're there as a random side character). I've never found anything particularly odd about that...it simply fed into my general belief that most men find thin, big-breasted women to have the greatest sex appeal. However, the video I was watching had a girl who had a fair bit of chub. I'd guess she was about a size 16 or a bit larger, with some stretch marks and cellulite if you looked closely (and with the closeups, how can you avoid it, really :p). What threw me, was that she was confident, gorgeous, and sexy as ****. There was nothing different about her role in the video due to her weight, no fetish angle, no comments about her weight, etc. She just did her thing, and the video moved on.

Honestly, what throws me for a loop is the fact that this throws me for a loop. The fact that I'm still thinking about a porn video days after watching it is definitely unusual. Until I saw this girl in a porn video, I believed that I found women of all shapes and sizes beautiful, however, I guess I didn't believe that many people found them sexy. It never really occurred to me that beautiful and sexy were apparently very different concepts in my brain, and while I knew there were people who found larger women beautiful, I never really believed that they found them sexy. I've spent all of my adult life never considering myself sexy, never considering that men might be interested in me based on appearance. Based on what I've seen on these boards, it seems a somewhat common insecurity for heavier women - although I've also seen plenty of larger women posting on these boards that are incredibly confident of their sex appeal with men.

It makes me wonder, why is there such a difference? I had no problem seeing the heavier girl in the porn video as a sex object, but I have such a hard time seeing myself that way. My past relationships (of which there have been few), have typically been from friendships that developed into something more. I think this fed my belief that men didn't find me particularly sexy, but they could be attracted to my personality.

For those of you who do feel sexy at any weight, is there anything in particular that helped you develop that confidence, or did it just feel like something you were born with? As I go through my weight loss journey, I'm trying to be kinder to myself, to look at myself in a more positive light, and hopefully, to ultimately boost my level of confidence - particularly with regards to men. The fact that I was so shocked by a plus-sized character in a porn video only brings into sharp focus how much I have bought into stereotypes about sexiness.


Okay, so that was a really long post for me - way longer than intended...I can't believe a porn video made me think that much :D

You do realize that this is a public forum, right?

Larger women can definitely be sexy. Definitely. Sexy isn't about a perfect body... It's about knowing what you've got, not being ashamed, and having a clear intention... It's a frame of mind as much as anything.

Jay

I think, too, that's a HUGE difference between 'sexy' and 'sexual'. I know a lot of fat girls who'll 'do' anyone just if they ask - they see it as liberated and free spirited, and then get sad and depressed because the guy doesn't want to be their boyfriend. And then do it again. And then again... sigh.... i think confidence can be learned, fake it til you make it as they say, but it might be easier if there's a life-long foundation there - natural support and nurturing, feeling valued etc., from a child onwards.

I've always felt sexy with my DH because he makes me feel beautiful, even at 300 pounds!

oh yah, this is a public forum, i'd delete that first bit of your post! ;)

I doubt any thread title will ever snag my attention as fast as this one did --- LOL!

That said, you ask a really good question. I fall into the same boat as you; I definitely do not think of myself as sexy or physically attractive and quite frankly, it is difficult for me to wrap my head around men being attracted to women my size. I am one of those fat ladies who dresses very quietly and keeps her hair/jewelry very conservative so I don't draw attention to my (to me) physical ugliness. My husband claims to have no particular problem with my looks and still finds me attractive, but I don't believe him, frankly; I don't ever catch him checking out any other fat ladies, for instance!

So, what makes some women our size step out with confidence --- and be sexually/physically successful with the guys? I am curious if there is any correlation between being heavy all your life and not having that confidence. (Probably not -- lol!) Some posters have talked about how they are uncomfortable with male attention as they get closer and closer to goal --- are those ladies from the not-so-confident in the first place or is there some crossover?

And I suppose the million dollar question is how does a non-confident person learn to accept themselves enough to join that other, looks-like-they-are-having-a-lot-more-fun group?

Great topic for a thread, Spixiet!

I"ve always been big, the last few years at my biggest.

I think maybe I had personal insecurities, as we all do, but I've always been pretty outgoing and confident. Then again, I've had a bf for nearly 16 years who was attracted to me before he knew me. (saw me at the mall the week before I met him through a friend.) and likes chubbettes.

Honestly, I find bigger women far more attractive. No offense to thinner people, I will occasionally find them attractive too if they have a feminine shape. It's just a preferance thing I guess? I've always watched porn with chubbier girls. (non fetish) and I've never really thought anything of it.

I definitely feel sexy, not every day by any means, ha, but more often than not.

And to be fair, more so since losing some weight.

Porn is cool. I watch it sometimes but it gets old compared to the real thing after a while, ya know?

I would say I have alot of confidence and it came from a hard life where I had only myself to rely on. When you are extremely poor, you have alot of nothing and with nothing comes self-reflection. From that you either learn to love yourself and make yourself better or build walls so that you never have to self-reflect again. After everything I have been through and everything I have accomplished despite hardship, how could I not be my biggest fan?

Hey I have one thing left to say to you, spixet. You really shouldnt discount your confidence in yourself. Look at you, losing weight, making commitments....and to who? YOU. You have confidence in you that is why you are here. Take a deeper look at who you really are. That is a sexy ***, motivated, determined woman!

Fin.

in the real world confidence is everything. Skinny people aren't sexy just because they are skinny and heavy people aren't not sexy just because they are heavy.

porn and hollywood in general aren't real world though.

btw, if you watch amateur porn there is a way wider range of body sizes and ages.

I had sort of an opposite experience once. My husband has always enjoyed women of all shapes and sizes. He/We were watching a porn that was supposed to have heavier girls in it (fetish style) and much to my dismay the women in this movie were hardly "plus size" by my standards...maybe an extra 15 or 20lbs, but nothing that I would consider excessive. I found it made me feel so much worse, when my husband's intention (skewed as it may have been) was to make me feel BETTER about my size. He's the type who gets really upset when I refer to myself as a "fat girl".

I have had my fair share of experiences, and I know that I am a very sensual person, which comes off to guys as sexy. I knew that part existed, but as I got bigger, I thought it got covered up. My partner has truly made me understand that I am sexy, and that it is great that he loves me, and is attracted to me just as I am. I am forever looking at other women and gauging attractiveness and sensuality "sexy" I agree with Cherry Pie... Sexy is about attitude and confidence, not about a dress (or in this case) lingerie size.

BTW - Sparrow sings.... That truly IS the million dollar question!

Very interesting thread :lol: I'm not part of the 100lb club, but I can't help myself but to comment!

I've always had a huge stigma against the porn industry because of how they treat women in general. It's likely that I'm just projecting my own insecurities; I'm not sure. Wiki says it better than I can though: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Porn_industry#Opposition

The media in general has really skewed my view on what I personal find sexy and beautiful, and I hate it.

Good point. I agree with you about how the porn industry treats its women if what you mean is bad pay and worse benefits. I think that is largely our fault as a SOCIETY. We criminalize sex and criminalize women enjoying sex. If we respected these people as professionals trying to make a buck (like the rest of us) and empowered legislators to apply the fair wages act to the sex industries (instead of ignoring it and wishing it would go away) perhaps they would be respected just as much as the men are respected and treated like human beings.

Sorry for soapboxing this thread. She started it!

I like my porn/erotica to come reviewed. I don't want to waste my time/money on crap made stuff. There's plenty of that out there! But variety in body shapes certainly exists.

I was born an introvert who likes small, close groups best. I am still an introvert who likes small, close groups best. :)

I'm also straight up and I don't like fussy. Confidence is developed over time by taking small risks, and finding out it isn't so bad. Being comfortable at the new place for a bit, then taking a new risk to push the boundary out a little more.

Like public speaking doesn't bug me as much as it used to. I don't LOVE it, and I don't THRIVE on it, but I can do it now without having a cow and I get complimented on my style. Little do they know the night before a presentation, I still cannot sleep and I have butterflies! But I've made friends with the butterflies and they just flutter and go away after a visit. I don't worry about butterfly cures or spend too much time analyzing butterflies. They just come, they just go away. Knowing this, I can endure butterfly visits and take it in stride.

In all my early relationships, I've always been comfortable and confident. Usually more so than my partner. It wasn't like I was some big dating expert, but neither did I expect perfection from the get go! I think my partners were too teenagery HS/college in the sense that they worried so much about all the firsts -- date, kiss, etc. I went into it thinking more like "Well, let's see what this holds!" and I never cared about being someone's first anything. I was more interested in getting to know my partner deeply and meaningfully and enjoying the relationship.

Which is why I wasn't a big dater. I was more like a serial serious relationshipper! LOL.

My DH and I met quite young and he says the confidence attracted him. We've now been together and/or married for almost 20 years. and in that time I've been slimmer, fatter, pregnant, younger, older. As we keep aging together I might be slimmer or fatter, but certainly older!

I've never felt anything but loved, sexy, and cherished with him. Oh, I'll have the occassional freak out but that tends to go away... I think my insecurities come out when I haven't been paying attention to nurturing myself or the relationship and some time doing that cures the freak out. And I don't spend a lot of time what iffing in my head. That just makes fluffy butterfly clouds of confusion. I am more apt to announce "I feel insecure/jealous/whatever! I need reassurance/attention/whatever!" and we talk and I feel better and life goes on.

It's like the public speaking butterflies -- they come, they go. Sometimes body image butterflies are winged insect pests, and sometimes they are fun to look at to see what new thing you learn about you.

The man sees me naked, birthing, throwing up, etc. I don't think seeing my emotions out "naked" is going to freak him out any. Puke is way messier and he could handle that!

I sometimes think it might be a Meyers-Briggs thing too -- how critical one is of oneself and whether one needs approval or self esteem boosts from outside sources or if they can be their own rebooter from within. It certainly could influence your ability to make peace with your own self from within and how environmental factors play out on you.

I'm known as "the confident, slightly eccentric one" in the family and my mother once threw her hands in the air and exclaimed about me and my sister... "I don't know what it is. I fed you both the same food, raised you in the same house, you played with the same toys, went to the same schools through high school and look! One is like THIS and the other is like THAT!"

I've seen all shapes and sizes be confident or have anxieties. It isn't as simple as all slim people are confident feeling and all larger people are anxiety prone.

A.

astrophe, loved your post!

Interesting, I see what you mean spixiet, but in some ways I actually think the general media and porn have started to embrace some of the curvier body-types as "sexy."

To a girl who in her youth thought Kate Moss-style tiny frames were the epitome of beauty, I was surprised in recent years by how voluptuous some of the pop-culture sex symbols are. If anyone is aware of the actress Christina Hendricks (from madmen) and the reality star Kim Kardashian, and even some of the more well-known porn stars, they are celebrated because they are so curvy and "womanly."

We are moving in the right direction in some ways as far as embracing all body-types but it is a slow move.

I say there is nothing sexier than a happy, healthy, confident woman, and that encompasses so many more types than those featured now.

TMI alert: If you're disturbed by the idea of two fat people being sexy together, do not read any further.

For as long as I remember, I've been overweight or obese. I've also always felt sexy and friends have always said they admired my confidence with men (I've had better luck with dating and with choosing good guys than many of my thin friends).

I think confidence is like bravery, it's not about feeling no fear, it's about acting despite fear. Confidence isn't so much a feeling as it is a behavior. You can act confidently and secretly be scared to death (which I was much of the time, I was just willing to take the rish of rejection).

I think a couple thoughts really helped me though.

1. What you look like naked, isn't really a big mystery. Clothes don't hide much (at least not without heavy-duty spanx). Anyone who has seen you in comfortable clothes, has a pretty good idea of what you look like naked if they think about it. At about 380 lbs, when I met my husband, I had no illusions that when I dropped my clothes, he would gasp in horror "OMG, I had no idea you were so fat."

2. Creativity and humor are very sexy. I was extremely nervous about my first sexual encounter with hubby (first naked-time is always nerve wracking, even when you know he probably knows what you look like naked, there's always that little bit of fear and thought "what if he doesn't like what he sees." Of course what most women don't realize is that the men are just as scared about first-nakedness.

To break the ice, I brought an erotic game-bag to our first sleep over. I'm not talking about strange, kinky sex toys. In fact, nothing in the bag would normally be considered a sex toy at all, and only a few items were sex related at all. The most sexy turned out to be the washable Crayola Markers. We took turns drawing "tattoos" on each other, while the person being tatooed tried without looking, to guess what the tattooer was drawing.

When now-hubby saw the markers he looked at me like I was insane (the brightly colored condoms were at least self-explanatory), and asked what they were for, and I explained the game I had in mind.

I regretted the markers, and the whole bag of toys immediately, thinking he thought I was not only a slut, but an insane slut.

As it turns out, it was one of the sexiest idea I ever had. When we were drawing on each other, and guessing, we actually became less body conscious. I felt less self-conscious than "in-the-dark, under the covers."

I think it's hard to be silly and body-conscious at the same time.

Not to gross anyone out with the image, but I discovered that the look hubby found sexiest, was anything but sexy in my mind - me (at nearly my highest weight no less) naked except for running shoes and bobby socks (I undressed after a work-out and peeled my clothes off before my socks and shoes).

The next time I worked out, I did the same on purpose and did a silly little dance for hubby (yes with the lights on). We both laughed so hard, our eyes watered (for us laughter is the best foreplay).

It's funny how acting as if you're sexy, makes you sexy.