pr0n always makes me feel like sh!t and reinforces the idea i'm trying to deny which is that the universal definition of hot = flat stomach and super low body fat. i must be doing this wrong.
Exactly your pre-coception of Porn is why I stopped watching it myself.
Of course my reasons were different. It never bothered me that if you find porn it's 99 percent likely it's thin-white people. However if you want/like something different you can find it. My reasons why I stopped watching porn was the distinquished difference of Love & Sex. Just as you might view the difference between sexy/beautiful. I've been with my husband for 15 plus years we used to watch and enjoy it together, till I learned that we have is so much more powerful and meaningful then all of that.
When you find someone that truly loves you, you will feel beautiful and sexy. I was always shown affection and given loving compliments. For the longest time we both were comfortable fat people. It wasn't till we both starting to push the envelope and love making became difficult to be as intimate with kissing with 230 plus pounds of fat between us. Needless to say I've lost almost 130lbs and he has 100 plus gone and we can't be any closer in the bedroom and it's amazing, My sexy'ness is just flying off the roof and he loves me just the same as before....so in a way I've been like "honey we both are so awesome and hott lets do it more!!" Lol. but we just do it as the same we did before, it's just better now, way better, lol.
So yeah I think my confidence was always supported/boosted by my husband. There are plenty of men that LOVE bigger woman, woman of any/all sizes!
I love porn! And I actually do advertise it because I hate that we have to hide it. One of the reason I like porn as opposed to nude photography (like Playboy) is that you can't airbrush a movie so when there are zits on a porn stars butt -- I can see it. It's much more "human" for me.
Anyway! I've been fat all my life and I'm very confident with my sexuality and picky with who I sleep with. For me, sexuality was always about ME -- am I enjoying this, am I getting off. My confidence comes from the idea that if I'm having a good time, my partner will be too.
That doesn't mean I don't have moments of insecurity. When The Cute Boyfriend and I were just beginning to date and I knew we would sleep together soon, I remember telling a friend of mine that I was so worried what he would think when my clothes came off. My thin friend said, "Do you think your clothes are magically making him think you're a different size?" Uhh... good point! And if you quiz a guy about what he thinks about when he sees a naked woman, it's NOT critiquing her body.... it's HOLY CRAP I AM GETTING LAID. Which is all together a comforting thought.
Fake it (confidence that is, not orgasms) until you make it.
Goddess Jessica, I freakin' LOVE your post and agree totally.
My husband confirmed the "Holy crap, I am getting laid!" thing to me many years ago. I asked him if it bothered him that my boobs aren't quite identical--"sisters, not twins," you could say. He looked at me like I was insane and said, "Why would I mind!? That way I get to have a favorite!" I never even imagined that anyone could think that way, yet his response was too immediate and surprised to be anything but genuine. So while I was thinking, "I hope he doesn't notice too much," he was just thinking, "Yay, boobies!"
No partner is looking at your body and criticizing its flaws (real or perceived) when you show it off to him or her. They aren't comparing you to porn actresses, either; the women on the screen aren't real to them, and reaching out and touching skin is vastly different from simply seeing images of it.
I'm not a big fan of most porn. I prefer what would be categorized as erotica. The bodies tend to be natural and there is usually a somewhat decent story line. And, I really don't want to see anatomy up close and personal on my TV screen! Subtlety is vastly underated.
But, I must confess, my hysterectomy and weight gain have made me feel less sexy and less inclined to tempt hubby into the bedroom. Hubby has gained weight,too. Being obese and out of shape makes me less flexible, I have less stamina, I have less interest and...doggone it... the bellies just get in the way! Overall, the experience can't compare to how things used to be. At all! I'm sorry if some find this offensive, but I'm being honest. I don't only want to lose weight to be healthier, to wear prettier clothes, to feel more energetic...I also want to bring back what we seem to have lost. From what I hear from others, this is a definite possibility.
Okay, so I've thought about this some. I'm not crazy about porn. I mean, we watch it sometimes but it's stuff that *I* chose (DH isn't stupid LOL) and what I chose is non-blondes with real boobs outnumbered by men. I think it's a Brazilian series? Anyway, the language barrier is erotic, the REAL women with small breasts, etc. is far more enjoyable than your peroxide blonde with huge fake boobs and gobs of makeup gettin' it on with truly ugly men. When I watch the pretty Brazilian women, I think, "Gee. They're really pretty!" When I watch the blondes, I just feel like crap about myself for some reason, maybe because they're supposed to be the "ideal" in beauty, and they're NOT. And let it be said, I HATE THE MONEY SHOT. Why does every scene have to end like that (even my Brazilians)? It's ugly and uncreative. /rant
Okay, on to how I feel about me. I feel...awkward. I've never really felt sexy in my own skin, even when I lost weight the first time. I felt creeped out when men would look at me, yet I loved how I looked. Weird, eh? *I* was happy with my looks, but unhappy with the attention, as I'd never received it before, even as a teenager. See, as a teenager I had VERY bad skin, like my mother should have had me on Accutane bad. My figure was probably okay, but because I hated my face, I hated ALL of me.
Now that I'm losing weight, I'm more comfortable with myself. My skin is not scarred, thank gawd, and I'm starting to get some lines around my eyes (39), and I still don't know how to apply makeup, so mascara's all I wear. I've been with my DH for almost 22 years and he says I'm more beautiful now than when we met (he's the bomb, my guy). Anyway, I get male attention, mostly at work where I'm dressed somewhat nicely (I work in a library, so jeans, Docs, and whatever I want on top is my usual uniform, but I do have my $1 Tommy Hilfiger pants and some Reitmans dress pants that I zest things up with). Last week, I had one guy (who I think has been flirting with me, but again, can't tell for sure as have had NO practice with flirting) do the "eyes drop, back up to eye contact" thing and I didn't feel squicked out. Progress maybe? But is it GOOD progress??
Now for the bad stuff. When we went to Mexico, I had 4 of the resort staff hitting on me, blatantly so that even Ms. Oblivious here noticed: one squeezed my boob and told me, "I like you. I LIKE you, like you" and said he wanted to "do things" with me, another slapped my *** (and more), a 16 year old (well, really young anyway) security guard was following us around one night and made a move when DH went to the bathroom, and another fellow, who I thought was just being "nice", said that because I was there with just my husband, it'd be easy to get me alone. Like, I'm a 39 year old woman, married to her first boyfriend, the only man she's ever had sex with...and being chased by 4 other men. I *should* have been appalled, but I wasn't. Au contraire. I'm lucky that my husband found it amusing, but I didn't like how I liked the attention.
I haven't read all the responses but I'll reply to your post. Sexiness....mmmm I have ALWAYS felt sexy but I don't know if that has anything to do with being gay...ok I think it has a whole lot to do with it so I'll give you my perspective. I find women beautiful, unique and totally off the wall sexy. I like bigger girls, smaller girls, medium girls, nice booty, small breasts, big breasts, it's all how she carries herself, confidence is key. I have always felt sexy cause in general women are curvey and yummy and I feel honoured be a woman, to be in that category. Not only because of physical attributes but because of the complexity of a woman too. The ability to birth babies, give life, create life, omg that is soooooo sexy! The emotional depth of women, how we feel, how we connect to eachother, its like a secret club that men will never get. That is soooooo sexy! Our strength, courage, our abilities to multitask being mothers, career women etc....its all soooooo sexy! And being a part of the "women's" club makes me feel sexy too. We have such a remarkable feminine energy that's soft yet so powerful, to be a part of that is where I gather my sexiness from. Your woman too, hear you ROAR!!!!
ETA I use to enjoy porn but I don't find it portrays in reality the diversity of the female species, just a small select few. If you can see the sexiness in women in general I'm sure you'll be able to find it in yourself as well
Porn doesn't do it for me, never has. (As a professionally trained sociologist, I tend to find myself wondering what led those particular actors to making that lifestyle choice, etc., LOL.) I find words a lot lot sexier than pictures. My (former, now again current) BF is really into it. But now we're doing things we never did before we broke up for a couple months - like exchanging naughty texts/pics. The naughty texts REALLY turn me on. And the naughty pics really turn him on, far more than generic porn.
I've had some sexy lingerie for a while, wore it a bit when we first started dating then stopped, because 1) it didn't seem to matter to him what I had on as long as he could take it off as fast as possible and 2) I got too fat to wear it. I can fit into it all again, but I've bought new lingerie that's a lot racier than the older stuff, which was more pretty/romantic. The new stuff is pretty extreme. And he LOVES it.
One thing I noticed is, with my newly renewed self confidence, both in everyday life and in the bedroom, he really has opened up about what he wants, which he never did before. I would ask him what he wanted to do, and he was like, oh, whatever. Now he tells me specifically what he wants, and I do too, and things were great before, but now they are exceptional.
You can find some really hot lingerie for ANY size on the internet - like up to 7X if you need it. It's good stuff.
I was much more confident at my largest than I am in this current state. I don't know or understand this body - I'm just learning how to live in it. I was used to myself before... I had postures and poses memorized so I knew how my body looked. I know it sounds strange, but that knowledge coupled with a kickass lingerie collection (that no longer fits) made me feel like a vixen. But with this ever changing situation of how I look and feel about how I look, I've kind of lost my sexuality. Which is like a really big deal considering in my relationship, Eric says I'M the boy and he's the girl (he's the academic that wants to snuggle while we read and gets the headache and I'm like "Woo Hoo let's get it on!!!")
I like watching decent porn with him, but usually we watch it and laugh. However, HE is very visual, so if I want to get him going without having to work so hard at it myself, I put on the suicide girls screen saver, go take a shower, and he falls victim to it every time. As a photographer, I tend to like the photo stills better than the skin slaps and bad acting. I think it's the light that really bugs me.
It's interesting, the psychology of weight loss and sexuality. I plan on treating myself at christmas to a few new pieces of sexy lingerie. Eric will be gone at school until then, so really, I'm not bothering until then. But maybe by then I'll be used to this weird feeling that I'm me, but I'm not me. Even my face looks different to me these days.
In clothing, I feel very pretty. My skin looks rocking awesome because of all of the veggies and fruits I'm juicing/eating. I glow. And I just ordered size 1x clothes and can fit into most of them, which I think gives me a little more booty shake in my step than I used to have. I get flirted with. It feels good.
But take the clothes off and I'm totally lost. I do hope I find my Mojo soon. But not too soon. Once Eric is in Portland for his quarter, finding my missing mojo would just frustrate the **** out of me. Heaven help the man in December.
PS any thread that is honest and open about sexuality is bonus to me. I can't handle the inability to talk about something so organic. Plus, Log the calories, baby. That's some BURN Work right there!
This thread is amazing, really interesting to talk about something that people rarely talk about in public. I've been with my husband for 38 years. I had a fantastic figure for the first few decades and of course am pretty darn big right now. I have to say though we do still have a good sex life. I have always preferred to do it in the daylight, I feel like I can't find everything in the dark LOL or practically fall off the edge of the bed. We used to watch porn but I think we're both past that now. To the woman who said stomachs get in the way the best position for that I think is for you to be on top, sitting up and facing away from him (reverse cowgirl). Nobody's stomach will cause a problem at all.
One of the reason I like porn as opposed to nude photography (like Playboy) is that you can't airbrush a movie so when there are zits on a porn stars butt -- I can see it. It's much more "human" for me. 
Overall, the experience can't compare to how things used to be. At all! I'm sorry if some find this offensive, but I'm being honest. I don't only want to lose weight to be healthier, to wear prettier clothes, to feel more energetic...I also want to bring back what we seem to have lost. From what I hear from others, this is a definite possibility.
