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Does anyone else feel like the weight makes them Not who they REALLY are?

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Old 01-10-2011, 02:16 AM   #1
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Question Does anyone else feel like the weight makes them Not who they REALLY are?

I have been obese my whole life and now I am currently towards the higher end of my weight (my highest was around 332lbs. or so) range. For most of my life, ever since before I was 10 years old, I kept saying that "When I lost weight,..." and thinking of how my life, or at least how I really wanted to act, to dress, to behave, would be different once I lost the weight.

When I was a teen, I just wanted to be able to dress in regular teenage clothing. It was difficult for me to do that because plus size clothes were so hard to find and so expensive. I used to, at times, by clothes from Esprit that were too small and hang them up in my room as a form of inspiration. Obviously, that didn't work.

Now, I can find clothes in my size, but, the style is still very limited, the clothes are very expensive, and I am dealing with more issues around my weight: I don't feel like my outside represents my inside. I am now at that stage where I want to feel a bit sexy and attractive and sometimes I feel like that. Then I will see a regular pic taken of me, and I get grossed out and unhappy because when I look in the mirror I look regular, but when I see myself in a photo, I do look so bloated and my body looks overwhelmed by my weight.

I feel like I want to be a bit sexier, or rather, a bit more of a bonafied woman, ya know? Right now, people at work treat me like a younger person (could it be because of the weight?---I know how to do my job and I do it well and can usually help others, but some seem so keen on viewing me as inept), I don't get a lot of male attention, and I really want to wear cute and attractive clothes and feel more like a desired woman. It is hard to find clothes that I can afford and that look good at my current size.

How many of you feel like your weight is preventing you from really being who you are inside?
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Old 01-10-2011, 02:26 AM   #2
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I definitely feel like I allowed my weight to keep me from doing things I wanted to. I always said I'd take dance classes once I lost weight, I'd start dating once I'd lost weight, etc. Now I'm wishing I would have done things sooner! I'm taking a dance class and it's awkward just starting out, I wish I would have taken them years ago when I first wanted to. I'm dating here and there and, again, it's awkward because I didn't start when I wanted to, and I'm still not quite sure what to do.

I always tried to be as fashionable as possible, because I love clothes and shoes and everything to do with shopping, but it is hard to find all the cute clothes in bigger sizes, yeah. But I also feel like a lot of things my weight "prevented" me from doing wasn't entirely because of the weight, I was just using that as an excuse.
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Old 01-10-2011, 02:29 AM   #3
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I struggle with this because as a lifelong obese person I've always felt that being fat's stopped me being who I really am. The only thing is, the couple of times I've lost lots of weight and become 'normal' - I haven't had a ....ing clue who I was either. I have a lot of work to do in this area.
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Old 01-10-2011, 02:37 AM   #4
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holy crap...

i can totally relate. i've also been overweight as a kid, then obese as a young adult and as an adult. i sometimes feel like i have no idea as to who i am. on the inside, i'm free spirited, i want to try new things, i want to do everything..but when it comes down to it, i don't because of my weight. i get shy, i feel like all eyes are on me, i don't like the attention. i really feel like it hinders me from dressing the way i'd like to, wearing my hair a certain way, doing certain physical activities, etc...even dancing, boxing classes...sooooo much.
there was a point in time where i was at a normal size. and, like Rosinante said, i had no idea where to start either.
sheesh. i need to get it together. it might be a part of a larger excuse, but its definitely a big part of the problem.
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Old 01-10-2011, 02:41 AM   #5
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I used to have this idea of being really thin and what my life would be like.

Now, I just want to get back down to a size I was before, which was still plus size, but I felt a lot healthier at that size and I realize not as bad as I thought, ya know?

I am making small steps now to get to be who I really am. I would love to be a more alternative looking chick. But, to be honest, if I were thinner I could look more alternative and it would be cute. But, at this size, some of the things that I think look good in a smaller size don't translate well into a bigger size.

My most pressing goal is to get below 300lbs. I just have to.
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I get a smiley for every 5lbs. lost!

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Old 01-10-2011, 02:51 AM   #6
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you can totally do it...sometimes, i look at the mountain of weight in front of me, and i'm like whatever, this is going to take me forever, i dunno if i can...all the discouraging thoughts. but i break it down...into like 5lb increments. thats more like a speed bump.
it sounds like that's where you're at...getting back to you're previous size, then maybe take it from there.

i'd like to think of myself as more alternative as well. i'm really a more jeans a fitted tshirt kinda girl, but i like funky stuff. i like funky hair cuts. but like you said, it wouldnt necessarily translate well to my size. maybe some accessories that are edgier?

personally, i hate that i let my weight define who i am. but its hard not to.
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Old 01-10-2011, 03:22 AM   #7
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This is such an interesting question.

I've been fat and I've been as thin as 135 lbs, and I can honestly say that for the most part I've always felt like the same person. Sure, I've had clothing challenges and stuff like that, but I really believe that sexiness comes from an inner confidence and being okay with who you are no matter what your size.

I guess I've never let my weight stop me from being outgoing or sexual -- maybe part of it is because I've just never wanted to let my physical size define me. It gives my weight too much power, gives other people too much power to perceive me in a certain way because of what the scale says. I've never really thought about it before, but maybe being aware of the asexual fat lady stereotype p*sses me off, so I never wanted to give into it.

Again, I think so much of being sexy comes from attitude, from how you walk into a room or have a conversation. From looking someone in the eye when you talk to your head held high and your shoulders back. It's about swagger.

From a physical standpoint I've always been hyper conscious of my hair and makeup and all that stuff, so even if I'm not loving my outfit I can still find something to dig -- like the way my eyes look or my cute shoes. I'm not even sure if I'm expressing myself properly, so I hope you know what I mean.

None of this is to say, of course, that I don't have beaten down self esteem, crappy days -- everyone has those, no matter what their size. But for the most part I try to meet the world head on with strength and positivity and a good dose of flirtation and, when I do, it's amazing the awesome response I get back.

Even though you're in transition right now, please don't let that number tell you who you need to be. It's just poundage and a BMI -- never forget that it's not WHO you are.
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Old 01-10-2011, 03:34 AM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gloo View Post
This is such an interesting question.

I've been fat and I've been as thin as 135 lbs, and I can honestly say that for the most part I've always felt like the same person. Sure, I've had clothing challenges and stuff like that, but I really believe that sexiness comes from an inner confidence and being okay with who you are no matter what your size.

I guess I've never let my weight stop me from being outgoing or sexual -- maybe part of it is because I've just never wanted to let my physical size define me. It gives my weight too much power, gives other people too much power to perceive me in a certain way because of what the scale says. I've never really thought about it before, but maybe being aware of the asexual fat lady stereotype p*sses me off, so I never wanted to give into it.

Again, I think so much of being sexy comes from attitude, from how you walk into a room or have a conversation. From looking someone in the eye when you talk to your head held high and your shoulders back. It's about swagger.

From a physical standpoint I've always been hyper conscious of my hair and makeup and all that stuff, so even if I'm not loving my outfit I can still find something to dig -- like the way my eyes look or my cute shoes. I'm not even sure if I'm expressing myself properly, so I hope you know what I mean.

None of this is to say, of course, that I don't have beaten down self esteem, crappy days -- everyone has those, no matter what their size. But for the most part I try to meet the world head on with strength and positivity and a good dose of flirtation and, when I do, it's amazing the awesome response I get back.

Even though you're in transition right now, please don't let that number tell you who you need to be. It's just poundage and a BMI -- never forget that it's not WHO you are.
it's really good to get some perspective. i guess for me, i've always been told that i was never good enough. not just physically, but i just never seemed to live up to "x" standards according to my parents, and the ethnic standards of a woman of my ethnic background. then, as i grew up, i didn't live up to the supposed "beauty" standards, which were reinforced by lack of men who were interested in dating me long term (but were ok with just sleeping with me- ugh, losers), members of my family telling me "oh you have such a pretty face"...thanks, i know, the rest of me sucks, and just not feeling like a functional member of society in some way. i personally WISH i didn't let it define me. and it's not just the weight for me...i really think its a combination of all the crappy experiences and put downs throughout life that have kept me sort of encased in this shell of fat, quite literally.
it's all made me not confident, and has just hindered me overall. i'm hoping things will be different this time around.
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*be kinder than necessary, because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle*

restart! 10/1/13
mini goals
268 (10%)
189 (100lbs lost)
179 (previous lowest weight)
135-140 (GOAL!)
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Old 01-10-2011, 03:50 AM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fillupthesky View Post
it's really good to get some perspective. i guess for me, i've always been told that i was never good enough. not just physically, but i just never seemed to live up to "x" standards according to my parents, and the ethnic standards of a woman of my ethnic background. then, as i grew up, i didn't live up to the supposed "beauty" standards, which were reinforced by lack of men who were interested in dating me long term (but were ok with just sleeping with me- ugh, losers), members of my family telling me "oh you have such a pretty face"...thanks, i know, the rest of me sucks, and just not feeling like a functional member of society in some way. i personally WISH i didn't let it define me. and it's not just the weight for me...i really think its a combination of all the crappy experiences and put downs throughout life that have kept me sort of encased in this shell of fat, quite literally.
it's all made me not confident, and has just hindered me overall. i'm hoping things will be different this time around.
I can sooo relate to you! I've met a lot of guys like that and have been told that my face is pretty, if only I would lose the weight (as if I haven't tried!). I have also had men that were not ok with my ethnic background as I wasn't the classic American girl next door type.

We just have to be strong, one pound at a time. One pound at a time.
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I get a smiley for every 5lbs. lost!

02/23-318lbs. 03/23 - 309lbs! 9lbs lost in 1 month!
01/01- 305lbs. New Year! 1st goal -- get below 300lbs!
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Old 01-10-2011, 04:04 AM   #10
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very true. i just hope that shedding weight will also help some of the more of my "true" self come out...
despite not living up to my parents' expectations as far as my lifestyle and career choice (who would have thought that moving out of state, living with my boyfriend, and being a social worker would be such a controversy?), i do like who i am. i just tend to keep it to myself and to a select group of close friends.

one pound at a time
we'll all get there.
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restart! 10/1/13
mini goals
268 (10%)
189 (100lbs lost)
179 (previous lowest weight)
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Old 01-10-2011, 07:22 AM   #11
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I was just talking about this yesterday. I am suddenly close to goal and I feel very much like myself. I look at fat pictures and it is almost like a stranger, a very sad stranger. I was so sad so much of the time and I felt like was constantly trying to prove I was more than just a fat girl. Now I feel freer and like my actions are not weighted by my weight. I am just me, not fat me, for the first time in over a decade.

I tried to be okay with myself and sometimes thought I was, but in retrospect, I wasn't. Maybe I am a weak person for that, but I can't help it. I can only acknowledge my feelings.
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Old 01-10-2011, 08:40 AM   #12
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Gloo, how I wish I had that perspective for the past 10 years!

I was always thin, but of course didn't think so. I've always strived for tiny. I come from a tiny family where my 5'4" is tall! My grandpa is about 5'4", one uncle is 5'0" and all the women are 5'0" and smaller. My mom is 4'9". So I grew up feeling like the amazon woman. I remember one Easter, and I have the picture, where my mom dressed me from head to toe in black. I was 12. My cousins wore white and pastels and I was in black shoes, stockings, dress, and I even had a black flower in my hair. Black is slimming, you know. In the picture I stand a head taller than my same aged cousins. I was tall! Not fat! But my mom, at 4'9", did not understand that it was ok for a tall 12 year old to weigh more than 100 pounds. 100 was her redline. Not mine!

So gaining all the way up to 235 really caught me off guard. I have a lot of spunk on the inside and I felt thin, just imagining what I looked like inside my head. I've said that through this journey I learned that my inner self, the me I see when I'm not looking in a mirror or at picture, the me in my head, weighs 175 pounds. I know this because as I started losing this time around I finally matched my image of myself once I reached 175. It was surreal. I knew at that moment the opposite was going to happen. As I continued to drop, I was going to feel fatter than I was. And it's been true. I look back at pictures where I was 175 and I just stare because even now, that is how I feel. It's very strange. But it's been a wonderfully freeing realization. I can easily talk myself into a better head space when I know this about myself.
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Old 01-10-2011, 09:15 AM   #13
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I understand, but I think for me I understand because I haven't always been this way. So while it was a slow process I went on to lose things I used to enjoy. I lost confidence and became a fearful person, and I used to have no fear when it came to what life would throw my way. So I don't at all feel like myself, because I used to not be afraid to laugh or look nice or do anything good or bad because the people would be looking at me. I think that being on this road and losing we get there, that is my hope and prayer.

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Old 01-10-2011, 09:21 AM   #14
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Dancing, that's the way it was for me, too. I felt like each pound took away a part of who I was. Now I know that I accomplished a lot while fat, and I have to give credit to that girl even more than I would have had I been thin. I guess what it comes down to is that I don't feel like I have to be the smartest person in the room (though I usually am anyway, ahaha) and the most clever all the time. I'm allowed to make mistakes and not immediately think that people are going to blame the dumb fat girl.

I know it's totally cliche, but I feel like my fat time was time spent in prison. I had to work my way out with good behavior and relearning how to participate in society (food). My new body is my freedom. It's not as perfect as an incarcerated person would hope freedom would be, but it's amazing and good, imperfect body and all.
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Old 01-10-2011, 09:31 AM   #15
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For me, I think the head stuff (self-image, confidence development, being able to feel 'sexy') is different if you were ever 'normal' sized as an adult for at least 6 mo to a year or if you were overweight or treated as overweight your whole life.

My brain developed certain memory paths when I was thinner and it is easier to get back to those paths. That's why I know what I will probably feel when I get normal sized. I know what it felt like to dance, to run, climb, hike, feel sexy. The downside is of course I miss these feelings terribly. And I do associate them with being normal sized.

For those who have been overweight since at least adolescence there is no previous memory path to get back to so you have to make the new brain paths. This learning process takes longer to develop the paths but once they are mapped in our brains they are there for good. (Like riding a bike!)
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