For me, I think the head stuff (self-image, confidence development, being able to feel 'sexy') is different if you were ever 'normal' sized as an adult for at least 6 mo to a year or if you were overweight or treated as overweight your whole life.
My brain developed certain memory paths when I was thinner and it is easier to get back to those paths. That's why I know what I will probably feel when I get normal sized. I know what it felt like to dance, to run, climb, hike, feel sexy. The downside is of course I miss these feelings terribly. And I do associate them with being normal sized.
For those who have been overweight since at least adolescence there is no previous memory path to get back to so you have to make the new brain paths. This learning process takes longer to develop the paths but once they are mapped in our brains they are there for good. (Like riding a bike!)
Brilliant, yes. You explained this very well. I had to get back to that memory of who I knew I was. And it's everything I knew it would be. But I'm glad for the time I spent fat. I appreciate thin so much more than I think I ever would have. I am also far more compassionate.
Eliana- I can so relate! But on a bigger scale- most of the women in my family are also quite short. 4'9", 5'1", the next tallest woman in my biological family on either side is 5'3.5". I, on the other hand, am almost 5'9". Without scoliosis, I'd be 5'11"! Or taller! I'm a freaking amazon in my family!
I have a different story than most people here. I spent my teen years very healthy. I was a very athletic person- I worked out two hours a day minimum, atleast 6 days a week, and loved every minute of it. Of course, I always felt fat, but was never above a healthy BMI until 2007. Somewhere, inside, I am still that athlete. Still competitive, still dreams (literally) of running, or lifting weights. Except I get winded on the stairs.
I'm so embarrassed of "What" I have become that I went from being exceptionally outgoing and personable to someone who shies away from new people and situations because I'm ashamed to let people see me. I haven't updated my Facebook profile photos in years. Truth be told, even my profile pic here is about 20 pounds lighter than I am, because I've refused to take pictures for almost three years.
I don't know what's worse, the people in my life who have known me when I was thin, or all the people that didn't. The people I am close friends with now never saw me at a healthy weight. To them, I've always been fat, and they seem confused by the fact that I do know a lot about weight lifting, and about nutrition. For the people who have known me longer, I'm sure my current weight is shocking. They remember me as a hardcore athlete, as someone who never got winded, as someone who took on everything and everybody in life with confidence and a huge smile.
I know that somewhere, that person is still there. I just have to unbury her from all the fat.
I was very skinny as a child. I stayed very thin during my 20's. I was 96 pounds when I got pregnant with my daughter.
I was 113 pounds when I got pregnant with my son. After having my children I managed to drop my weight down to 108 pounds....way too thin.
Anyways, I have always thought myself as a very thin person. I get shocked when I see pictures of myself...I don't admit it is me...I keep saying well it was the outfit; it was the camera ankle. -- I run away from cameras now a days, which makes my husband sad, because he is semi-professional.
My inner self is size 2/4. To others is am size 12/14. So yes...my exterior does not represent me.
For me, I think the head stuff (self-image, confidence development, being able to feel 'sexy') is different if you were ever 'normal' sized as an adult for at least 6 mo to a year or if you were overweight or treated as overweight your whole life.
My brain developed certain memory paths when I was thinner and it is easier to get back to those paths. That's why I know what I will probably feel when I get normal sized. I know what it felt like to dance, to run, climb, hike, feel sexy. The downside is of course I miss these feelings terribly. And I do associate them with being normal sized.
For those who have been overweight since at least adolescence there is no previous memory path to get back to so you have to make the new brain paths. This learning process takes longer to develop the paths but once they are mapped in our brains they are there for good. (Like riding a bike!)
Omg...so true! I don't have memories of being an average sized person (size 12!). I do have memories of having more attention in high school, but that is about it.
So, now, when someone gives me a nice comment on a photo, I am really floored by it. When someone opens a door for me, I feel so special. I realize that it is normal behavior, but I am not used to it, so I probably put more meaning to it than I should (i.e., oh, he must like me, when in reality he is just doing what guys do). I am still flattered when someone finds me attractive and somewhat shocked by it at times...I have a hard time trusting that the guy is telling the truth, mainly because so many guys have put me down because of my appearance AFTER telling me they thought I was pretty. Sigh.
I have also been overweight as long as I can remember, basically from early teens onwards from the age of 11-12 or so. Being overweight and smart has determined a great deal of my path if that makes sense, in terms of choice of profession, free time activities, socialization, relationships with peers. In a way, being shy, aloof, tough and respected has become a part of me and how I define myself as normal. Being overweight and everything it brings along is normal to you if you have not known any different in your life.
Until about 2 months ago I never really imagined what life would be like without the excess weight, what changes it may have in store. I was aware that I would have to loose some weight eventually but I figured that minus 20-40 lbs would still leave me a big girl so while an improvement for my health prospects, little other changes would result.
Reading your posts makes me wonder though, who will I become without being overweight? There lies much possibility but I also sense a great deal of uncertainty at this point. There is still lots of time left to figure things out of course but it is an intriguing topic, whether my reactions, views and values may change after I have conquered the excess weight. And will I like those changes?
I have also been overweight as long as I can remember, basically from early teens onwards from the age of 11-12 or so. Being overweight and smart has determined a great deal of my path if that makes sense, in terms of choice of profession, free time activities, socialization, relationships with peers. In a way, being shy, aloof, tough and respected has become a part of me and how I define myself as normal. Being overweight and everything it brings along is normal to you if you have not known any different in your life.
Until about 2 months ago I never really imagined what life would be like without the excess weight, what changes it may have in store. I was aware that I would have to loose some weight eventually but I figured that minus 20-40 lbs would still leave me a big girl so while an improvement for my health prospects, little other changes would result.
Reading your posts makes me wonder though, who will I become without being overweight? There lies much possibility but I also sense a great deal of uncertainty at this point. There is still lots of time left to figure things out of course but it is an intriguing topic, whether my reactions, views and values may change after I have conquered the excess weight. And will I like those changes?
I do wonder what life will be like thinner. I have been a bit thinner before, and I did get a lot more respect workwise. I am so obese now that I feel talked down to alot. ALOT. Sigh. And men barely look at me, though lately, something must be in the water cause men sometimes circle around me.
Or wait, they may just be like lions and think I am the weak wilderbeast....sigh...
i have always been heavy, even as a child, even as a baby. i don't know what its like to be thin. i do remember being an active child... i played on a boys basketball team, hocky, softball for 3 years, swam a lot, always running around and climbing trees like the little tomboy i was... but food has always been a sore spot for me. my parents did their best--kept healthy stuff in the house, but for years my brother and i would sneak downstairs in the middle of the night to take cookies from the jar, and as soon as i started getting an allowance for chores, i would go "play outside" and walk to the gas station, buy candy, and hide the wrappers at home till i could go throw them out. and i would always take extra food in between meals and especially at night.
as a teenager my parents couldn't keep me home. i would literally bikeride around town for 6-8 hours a day, I know because they had to give me quarters so i could call them every hour so they'd know i was ok.
about then I was still around 160, 170, 180. Then as soon as I got my drivers license and my first job, i discovered fast food. had never had it before, but when i started eating mcdonalds, it never stopped. i would eat a ton of it there, and then smuggle it home in my backpack after school and work. it wasn't much of a job, but i spent nearly all of my money eating myself obese, and pretty much by the time I was 19 and living on my own, i was 255lb.
I'm trying to lose it all now. i want to be thin
i want to learn to eat healthy, to exercise regularly, and to understand what it is to be a healthy fit person.
at times i feel hopeless, and at times i feel empowered. this morning i woke up and spent an hour and a half at the gym, created my own circuit/routine, and i might even go again at night, so i don't feel tempted to overeat and ruin all my hard work.
i look in the mirror. and i've never seen a small person in it. but intellectually, i feel like a small, petite person. i feel tiny, and yet i look at my body and i am dumbfounded. how is this possible?
i wear skirts and dresses, and high heels, and make up. i take great care to make my hair and skin look good. i love fashion and shopping and clothes. I even make/alter a lot of my own clothes.
i can put on lipstick and a fancy dress and the highest heels and feel incredibly sexy and powerful, and then I just stand in front of the mirror and feel emotionally ruined... I know i have really bad self esteem problems. I know.
but its hard to get yourself out of this vicious cycle. I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle.
So yes, I feel like this weight... this 255lb makes me NOT who I REALLY am. I've always been described as a small, fragile, delicate person... on the inside. I know it sounds strange but I do want to be small. I don't necessarily want to be fragile, but I want to be dainty and graceful. I always wanted to be a dancer.
I have so many things I want to do. I want to be able to run a mile. Right now I can not even run between street lights without getting winded or a pain in my side. I want to go to a beach in a bikini, I want to wear a teeny dress to a party and turn heads, i want to feel like i deserve my boyfriend. I want to be that one girl that people look at and they say Wow, she's gorgeous.
I want to be drop dead gorgeous.
I like my face.
And thats all I like.
And hopefully that will change.
No, I cannot say that.
This will change.
I feel a little bit differently than a lot of you all. I have always been fat, there is no memory in my head of "thin" or "average" or "normal" or what have you. That said, I have been married, divorced, had children, been in several long term relationships, had many jobs, been to college, partied, etc. etc. I don't feel like "fat me" didn't get to experience anything. BUT, I feel like "fat me" accepted the dregs and settled for less her whole life because she didn't know she was allowed to expect more.
I have been thinner than I am now, though not skinny or petite or dainty or even average, and to be honest, it scared the cr@p out of me! Attention I was not used to (both male and female/romantic and not) threw me out of my element and made me feel insecure and unable to handle myself socially. I think that's a big part of why I gained it all back! I love hiding inside my fat suit, where I don't have to show the world who I am. If someone wants to know who I am, they have to really work to get to it, and that's the way it's always been and what I am used to.
I'm afraid that I can't change my personality to match my outside. I love "fat me" because she's all I've known for 37 years. Who will "thin me" be? Who will she act like? Will she have a horrible sense of humor, have trouble in crowds, be awkward? I'm afraid to find out. . .
I KNOW my weight keeps me from being who I am. Inside, I am a WARRIOR, I am strong, I am fit, I am healthy, I am able to do things with my kids and family. I know that is who I really am. Something is keeping me from being her.
Here at 250some pounds, I sit at the campsite while my kids and hubby go on hikes. Oh, they want me to go, they say they'll go slow and wait for me, but I don't want to punish them for my letting myself go. I stay home while they go ziplining and skiing and tubing even canoing (i'm so afraid the lifejacket wont fit).
When I met my husband I weighed 113 pounds. He use to pick me up and carry me around. And not even ONE time has he ever been anything but loving to me. All the way from 113 to 270, he has loved me. Loved me, supported me. He put my treadmill together then never said a word as it set there collecting dust.
This 250 pounds is hiding who I really am. I just dont understand why I can't let it go.
Yes, I can relate to this. At 5'6 I was a size 12 in highschool and in my early 20s, which was bigger than my friends, but not fat by any means. I had a firm and curvy body and got lots of attention from men. I was confident, somewhat sporty -- loved outdoor sports -- and fearless. I knew that I would succeed at almost anything I tried, I just felt like that was 'how it was' for me...
Looking back now I can see how I gradually lost my confidence and my surety/entitlement to success. I do miss it, all of it, and as others have said I dream of it. Last August, following the end of my marriage, I saw my opportunity to grab on and make the change to bring me back to all that; one major change in my life inspired others.
As I lose weight (46 lbs so far) I can feel myself becoming more confident again. I notice I'm more confident at work, and it may be my imagination, but I feel I'm getting more respect at work too. The trick seems to be to keep on moving down the scale. I've been 'resting' at this weight since early December, and I'm starting to feel bad about where I am, so it is time to move on again I think...at least 50 more lbs to go.
I was heavy but not off the charts in high school: heavy enough to believe no boy would want to date me, so I made sure none ever noticed pathetic me was interested, and so none ever showed interest, confirming my view. But in retrospect I was ok. At one point I even got down to 135 or so--the only time I felt even sexually plausible. Not pretty or desirable, but "A man probably wouldn't throw up if he saw me naked". I was pretty dumb about boys.
As an adult, being fat shaped who I was, because I became hyper-aware of controlling the image I projected in order to NOT be "the fat lady". I have a strong, confident, authoritative, dignified personality, and I really think it's because I wanted to be remembered as, at least, "the smart fat lady" rather than "the jolly fat lady". I NEVER self-deprecated or made jokes about my weight. Not Being Pathetic really shaped me into the person I am, and those changes seem to be permanent. It helped that I am a teacher, one of the few positions where you CAN be fat and taken seriously. But I knew that, and it may be one of the reasons I am a teacher.
That said, these conversations always make me uncomfortable because I think sometimes obese people are quick to tell themselves that they aren't like "real" obese people. It's like a friend of mine, who developed an addiction to cocaine but didn't want to go to NA meetings because they would be full of cokeheads. Yes, he knew he had a problem, yes, he knew he couldn't stop, but he wasn't one of them. He wasn't a nasty, weak-willed cokehead. He just did too much coke.
I think it's easy to be that way about our own weight. Society tells us that fat people are weak, stupid, self-indulgent, pathetic, wimpy, and pitiful. It's easy to believe that, and look at our own fat as somehow an anomaly. Yes, I have too much fat, but I am not a fatty like her. It's how fat people can make nasty comments about other fat people, and it's why people often turn down really good dieting advice because "I don't need that. I am not like other fat people". I think sometimes that is a road block that needs to be overcome.
A long time ago we had someone post here about 3 times and disappear. They said 'I weight 300, and I know you are not going to believe this, but I look like I weigh 190. All my friends agree I look like I weight 190, tops". Now, there is no way in **** someone who weighs 300 looks like 190, but I found the number the girl picked to be interesting: the top of Onederland. To me that says "I have an image of the sort of person who weighs omg 200 lbs. She's the size of a barn, lives on the couch, watches reality tv all day and is covered in a thin layer of Cheeto-dust. I know I don't look like that, so I must look like I weigh 190."
No one here is doing this, I am just saying it's something to think about. When we say we don't feel like we are "really" fat, it's important not to have the subtext be "because people who are "really fat" are stupid lazy bums, and I am not that". Because that isn't true, and that sort of fat-hating is self-destructive in the long run.
In my fantasy, the thin me I think is different, more athletic and physically active -- that's who I'd like to be. As a kid I was heavy, so I never participated in sports much (was embarrassing, and I always got picked last or near last for sports teams in school).
working out at the gym and getting some muscle tone, and actually changing my body through exercise really changed how I looked at my physical self. I'm still heavy, but healthier.
I don't see the fat so much as making me different from who I really am, more like I let it be an excuse and/or reason for not pushing and striving and exploring how I might want to be because I was anxious or afraid or intimidated (and letting the fat make me feel like I didn't deserve as much too).
My fat experiences really are a part of who I am. I don't want to let those experiences stop me for experiencing a thin me, but it is something I feel like I have to deal with all the time -- the fat thinking and way I've defined myself for so long, most of my life.
So I see losing weight as part of me growing (funny, me shrinking = me growing, heh heh)
another thought: I think it can be hard to feel sexually confident when there's such a negative social pressure against bigger sized people. Part of the struggle is personal, and then there's additional prejudice of the outside world.
as for denial, it is a roadblock (another thing I deal with), at the same time I feel like there are times it at least gives me mental/emotional relief. It's like this big swing of feeling HUGE and not being acceptable in society, to giving in to denial thinking I'm just a "little overweight" and it's really not a problem (then I don't have to feel afraid and weak and abbie normal).
The in between and closer to reality is that I'm significantly overweight and it impacts my health and self esteem and I need to face that and take care of it.
Last edited by dragonwoman64; 01-15-2011 at 11:47 AM.
I absolutely feel like this. I've been realizing lately that I don't even consider myself a real person a lot of the time. I always put so much stock in the future that I feel like the present isn't even happening. "Next year..." "When I'm not fat..."
And will I like those changes?
I got a great visual of that description in my head
