of seeing the number on the scale go down.
I didn't think I would be, but I was in denial for sure.
I need to admit it so I can move past it.
I don't know if it's as simple as fear of the unknown or goes deeper where I won't have the excuse of "I'm too heavy for this that or the other"
Afraid that I wont have that scapegoat if I've been judged by some one for whatever reason. "Its only because I'm overweight"
It almost feels like a comfort blanket to cover my eyes from whats really going on sometimes. Realtionships, new experiences, taking chances in career, not doing a lot of things that I blamed on my weight.
Im afraid of what will come when I can't make that an excuse and I have to be honest about whatever reason I think I 'can't' do something.
Just had to see it in writing, thanks for reading.
I do not understand this mentality. But I can give you a hug anyway! Your fears are very valid and you're not alone. I've seen others make this same statement many times. I just don't understand it myself because my mind doesn't work that way. I see all doors as open now, not closed. I don't think I ever used weight as an excuse. Weight was more like a reality...something I couldn't avoid. I didn't avoid roller coasters because I thought maybe I was too big and secretly didn't want to ride anyway...I avoided them because I DIDN'T fit and it made me really, really sad! I had real, undeniable panic attacks when meeting new people and that sucked. Those are fears I no longer have.
You don't need a scapegoat to live your life. I know I always thought way too much of myself when I was fat. Now that I'm thinner, I am actually able to think of myself a lot less, more on par with how much others ACTUALLY think of me. No one else thinking about me half as often as I think they are. Maybe that's behind some of this fear?
I don't know. Maybe figure out what you really want vs. those things you fooled yourself into thinking you want. It's ok if you don't want a big career. It's ok if you don't build multitudes of great relationships. I know I am very blessed with my two closes friends and strive for no more than that. Maybe you're afraid of new experiences just because they're new, not really because of your weight at all.
Long term goal: To still be calorie counting 11/9/2010
mini goals: ~211-10% lost;12/24/09 ~203 class I obesity 1/28/10; ~199 Onederland/15% 2/19/10; ~188-20%; ~185 half way 5/14/10; 179-bye 180's 6/12/10; ~174 overweight 7/3/2010;169-bye 170's 8/13/10;~164-30% 10/23/2010159-bye 160's~11/1/10; 153-35%~12/23/10; 149-bye 150's~2/11/11; 145 normal~2/14/2011; ~141-40%; 139-bye 140's ~135 GOAL! (129-45%; 117.5-50%)
I think I can relate a little. The hypothetical of losing weight has always been in the forefront of my thoughts. "This would be easy if I were thin. I could do that if I weren't so fat. I might have friends if I wasn't so shy because of my size." But it was always detached from who I actually am. An imaginary thin person who was totally separate from myself.
I've identified myself as 'the fat one' so completely and for so long (almost since before I can remember anything else) that the idea of ME, not some figment in my mind, actually being a normal size is mind boggling and a little scary too. I don't know how to relate to the world as someone who is not fat. I don't know how to relate to other people without the self-consciousness about my size. I'm afraid that I will reach goal and still not be good enough, but the safety of knowing I could just lose weight will be gone.
It's something that is getting stronger as I get closer to goal and realize I'm really going to get there this time. I try to remind myself that I am still me, just as much me as I was at 230 lbs. But people always change and evolve. I know I am an incredibly different person than I was four years ago. But that doesn't mean I am any more or less myself. But I think it's because weight loss is such an apparent full physical and mental change it is harder to deal with emotionally because other personality changes are much more subtle and happen naturally, instead of something we force to change ourselves.
Shifting my goals to fitness more, instead of just getting smaller, has helped. Instead of thinking about what I will BE at goal I think about what I will DO. Such as being able to hike a difficult trail longer and quicker, being able to go out and ride bikes all day in the summer, etc.
__________________ "The pieces won't pick up themselves, you know..." --Olivia-- Falling down isn't the failure, staying down is.
Last edited by TheBunneh : 01-05-2011 at 10:55 AM.
It's a weird feeling. Every bit of me says that I should be delighted to be losing weight and getting healthy, and 99 bits out of 100 are. Some days though, not often, I've actually backed away from the scale shouting No! at it. Not because of a 'bad' result but a 'good' one.
I know that a bit of it are those fears you mention about - if I've been judged 'it's only because I'm fat': what if I'm still judged? No excuse!
And part of it is knowing that all the things I could have done but didn't 'because I was too fat' are going to sit there looking accusingly at me now.
And part of it - I'm not sure yet, I haven't quite been able to track the emotion down. It's to do with as the weight goes, my essential identity is beginning to surface; but I never have known who I am, and the work that's going to come along with this is going to be hard.
maybe that's what it is, i took the easy excuse out and blammed my weight for a lot of things.
Can't do that, shouldn't do that and the idea of actually looking deep inside and being honest about why I do or don't do things scares me, hearing the answer I mean.
Live real, live hope.
Last edited by Coondocks : 01-05-2011 at 12:09 PM.
I think sometimes I'm afraid to admit to a good loss because that means I have to be accountable if I gain it back. I'll tell myself "you're probably just dehydrated. Don't count it for a few days. It's probably not a 'real' loss."
I'm still in the middle of my journey, but I get what you are saying... I wasn't always conscious of it, but being fat was a security blanket. It kept me from having to take chances and get out and DO things. At least, I LET it keep me from doing things. I finally just got to the point that I realized I was totally wasting my life away! Also, I'm always careful to keep from thinking "If I could just lose the weight, everything will be good." I'm changing my habits to be healthier and I recognize that I will still have emotional issues to deal with separate from the weight. I'm a work in progress, but at least I'm progressing!
__________________ 50lb by New Year's Challenge!
My blog: http://bit.ly/jen516blog 9 Minigoals - Pounds - Planned Date = Attained Date
5. Low Weight (Adult) - 229lb - 1/8/11 = 9-Feb-11
6. 25% lost - 216lb - 3/6/11 = 18-Jun-11
7. BMI under 30 - 202lb - 8/18/11 = ?