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getting very frustrated with my husband

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Old 10-09-2010, 09:05 PM   #1
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I have changed the way I have eaten for 2 weeks now and for me this is a life change I still have things I want like ice cream but its just low fat frozen yogurt, etc., I eat veggies, lean meats, fruits, etc., and excerise 5 days a week for 30 minutes a day and take a 30 minute walk on Saturdays with rest on Sunday. Well my husband says he is gonna change the way he eats and exercise with me he is currently 300 pounds well the 2nd day of eating healthy he brings taco bell home, he begs me to buy soda all the time, he has asked me to get mcdonals once already, and when I invite him to walk he says he is tired I feel like he isnt even trying nor is he giving me support by asking me to buy things I do not want in the house he just doesnt get it. I have lost 11 pounds in 2 weeks and my oldest who is 10 years old and was115 pounds now weighs 111 by just eating healthy why cant my husband see this is a good thing for all of us. Is there anything I can do to get him to follow along? Does anyone else have a hubby who is or has been like this also?
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Old 10-09-2010, 09:59 PM   #2
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No you cannot control what your husband eats but you can control what he brings in the house. Tell him to get it and eat it away from home if he feels he needs it and if he brings it home throw it in the garbage.
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Old 10-09-2010, 10:09 PM   #3
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i agree with quilter.My husband isn't on a diet (he doesnt need to lose weight)
but he makes the effort to eat junk food fatty food outside and doesn't bring junk home so i wont be tempted .
You can't force him to be on a diet.... but out of respect for you for trying to be healtier he should make it easier for you and your son to succeed!
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Old 10-09-2010, 10:49 PM   #4
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I have a husband like yours, he says he wants to eat healthy and exercise but does nothing. If I try to gently push him, it still doesn't work. He's somewhat good about keeping stuff out of the house that tempts me (sometimes he's better than others) but sometimes I really have to climb up his behind about it. He really doesn't get how it's so hard to have that stuff around because he's never stuck with healthy eating for more than a day or two. I wish I had some advice for you, but at least know that someone else has the same struggles as you do. And yes, I have resorted to throwing stuff out while he's at work because it's calling my name, he kind of got the picture after that. You really need to spell it out for him, what you need him to do and why, but you may not get a complete turn around. One suggestion on the pop front, if there's a kind of pop you don't really like, see if he'll drink that so it's really not as tempting to you as other kinds might be (I hate diet pop or Coke but hubby likes it, so I won't touch it and he's happy to have pop so he doesn't bring home Pepsi which is like crack to me!). Anyway, good luck with everything and if you do find some magical answer to get him to eat right and exercise, please let me know! And great job on your loss so far!
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Old 10-09-2010, 11:54 PM   #5
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Congratulations on making the switch to a healthier lifestyle. It gets better and better and easier and easier as the bad habits get further away and the new ones become established. And than when those rewards start surfacing - oh my. What fun this journey is. You're in for the ride of your life!!

About your hubby - I'd have a good long talk with him. I'd tell him that that stuff is no longer welcome in your home, as you're trying to establish a clean environment for yourselves and your children. If he wants to *eat like that*, he can do so - but not on home turf.

As much as he begs, I'd would not buy that stuff for him. That's not negotiable.

While you are cleaning up your home, I'd make certain to ADD in lots of healthy, lower calorie food items, this way there's loads to eat.

You can't force your husband to eat well, but again, he doesn't have to do it the home.

I'd give him some time. Be creative with the healthy foods that you make. Be consistent with your food plan and let him see how serious you are about this.

And those rewards I spoke of, when they start showing themselves, he may be propelled to join you. And that's the best you can hope for. You're just two weeks into this, hang tough. Let him see how excited you are about the changes, and I betcha he'll start coming around.

I look forward to hearing of your progress.
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Old 10-10-2010, 05:28 AM   #6
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I guess until he's ready to change, you can talk till you are blue in the face and he will still not be ready until he's ready. I think you do definitely have the right to ask him, out of respect to you and what you are trying to do for yourself and your kid(s), not to bring it home. Hopefully he will respect you on that. I think sometimes someone else who is not ready to start eating differently themselves gets a little threatened by someone close to them getting on a good plan, because they lose their pig-out buddy! I think at times they can go as far as sabotage to preserve the status quo. Hopefully if you have a heart to heart with him, your hubby will at least be able to change where he's indulging. I would appeal to his love for his child and that you know he wants what's best for him or her.

As for getting him on board himself, the best thing you can do there is to continue to have success and model the healthy behaviors for him. At some point he may just see the rest of his family getting svelte and think, "Hey, I think I want to do that, too!". Fortunately for HIM, if that does happen, he'll be all set up at home for success! It's really a gift for your whole family that you are doing this, so keep going and congrats!!
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Old 10-10-2010, 10:12 AM   #7
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My husband loves comforts foods and he can eat everything and anything and not gain an ounce. But, he has high blood pressure so he is going to eat healthy with me whether he wants to or not. He's also ten years older than me and I told him I don't want to grow old alone just because he wants to eat like a pig. His health is not just his business, he has a family that depends on him! When I put it to him like that, about a family who would have to struggle and be miserable without him, he finally gets it. He had never once said anything about my weight, but now that I'm losing weight and eating healthy, he tells me how proud he is of me. When he eats right, I tell him how proud I am of him. Junk food is not allowed in the house anymore, period. Your husband's eating habits is your business...I'd stay on him. It would be so much easier if the whole family was eating healthy foods. Don't ever enable him by getting junk food for him. If my hubby ate junk in front of me, I don't think I could stay on plan.
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Old 10-10-2010, 07:07 PM   #8
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Thanks guys. I know I cant make my hubby eat healthier or excerise but I am also hoping when he sees me sticking with it and doing it and losing weight he will wake up and wanna do it with me. RockinRobin I read your story and WOW I really look up to you I can not wait till I am in your shoes and have lost all my weight and maintaining it.
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Old 10-10-2010, 08:04 PM   #9
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I'm with you! He constantly talks about how unhappy he is with his weight, how he needs to make changes but those changes are always scheduled for "tomorrow". I do make a point to always invite him - everytime - i leave for the gym. I don't push him, but I extend the invite. "Hey, I'm going to go work out. Wanna come?" I have never gotten a "Yes" answer. He also consistently asks for soda, take out, etc...

It's come down to this - I can change me. I cannot change him. I fell in love with him as he is and I cannot expect that to change. But I *CAN* try to lead by example. Maybe he isn't real motivated when his wife is still over 200 lbs but I bet when I start to get even thinner, he might feel a need to get his butt in gear.

Just live for yourself, make yourself happy - and hopefully he will follow suit. It doesn't make it easy living with someone who wants fast food, and you cant stop him from eating it. Instead, I say, "well, i'd rather not spend the money. i am going to cook you a nice dinner!!"
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Old 10-11-2010, 10:46 AM   #10
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This may not be a happy answer, and please don't take offense because I know a lot of posters have stated that you can't force your husband to eat well... but well, you can, and I have.

Let me explain - I met my husband almost 6 years ago, we've been married for 5, and I have a 3 yo. I was around 165 when we met, and gained almost 100 pounds during my pregnancy through bed rest and surgeries to go full term. We were never meant to conceive (I had cancer), but were very happy to bring our bundle of joy into this world.

Fast forward to where we are now - I have lost/gained 20-30 pounds (never going over the original 100) in an attempt to lose weight. My husband can lose weight by holding his breath, and is probably only 20 pounds overweight.

I get going really well, and my husband was supportive for a couple of days and he would say, "just one day/meal/snack/dessert" won't hurt - and it was all the excuse I needed. While I know I'm in control, an alcoholic, or a drug addicted person doesn't need someone sitting there going, "just one hit/drink/pill" won't hurt. I don't need someone doing that with food (I've developed a whole new respect for food and what it can do to your body), and when you're married with a family, you'll be a bazillion times more successful with the support of those you surround yourself with.

Your husband needs to lose weight, just like you do, like I do, like most of us here do for a number of reasons - health, happiness etc. Most importantly - health....

I hate to say I gave my husband an ultimatum, but he has come to see it as me making a choice. I REALLY want to do this, I REALLY want to look good, feel good, and run around with my daughter. I told him if he brought crappy food into the house, I would throw it away (and I did - in the disposal and it caused quite a doozy scene). He asked me once or twice to stop and "grab" stuff, and I hung up on him. He brought home Popeye's last weekend, and I packed up my daughter and went my mom's. It was an eye opener for sure.

When we came home, he had cleaned out his "stash of goodies", dumped his Coke bottles, and apologized and didn't realize how hard it was for me to be doing this, and how important it was for me to have his support. I thanked him and told him how happy I was, and what we both agreed to was that it was respect for each other. He's since started finding "healthy" recipes and offering to pack lunches and make breakfast.

Respect is a powerful thing - both for yourself and for others. If your husband can't respect you, please respect yourself - as harsh as it sounds don't be afraid to make some very hard decisions. It's not going to be easy for a while, and it may never be easy. It's been downright painful for me to get started, but every single time I say no, or eat the right thing, or make the right decision - I am empowered. Please empower yourself, and if you stick to your guns with your husband, he'll either get on board or you will leave him behind - and seriously, when you make your goal weight, are you going to want to drag a 300lb lug around with you? It's a hard conversation, but have it - and the sooner the better.
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Old 10-11-2010, 11:54 AM   #11
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Everytime I've "started" on my new diet I've never imposed on my husband I do the grocery shopping and will try to get healthier options for the family. He will make a request and I would buy it but once he saw that I was losing and working out he started doing it himself.

I may mention that I want the family to start eating healthier and that's it. He has to want it for himself, you being in his ear is not going to do it and may just have the opposite effect.

Maybe once hubby start seeing the changes in your weight and behavior it will push him to do the same. Everyone has their moment and your hubby will have to come to his moment on his own. You can make healthier dinner choices and if he wants something from a fast food place you can make a suggestion on what he should get etc....

My suggestion is continue to do what you're doing for yourself, make gentle suggestions to him, cook healthier for the family so he can see how good a healthier option can be, invite him out for walks but don't blow up at him if he doesn't go.

Just yesterday after watching a Dr. Oz special on Discovery Health Channel I had a talk with hubby (both of our eating had gotten out of control) and I said we as a family have to start eating healthier and I told him about the program I watched and he agreed and got up this morning and went to the gym to work out. So I didn't make "him and his eating habits/weight" the issue and therefor he didn't take offense because I said "the family needs to eat healthier".

So hopefully your hubby will come around and join you on your journey.
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Old 10-11-2010, 12:25 PM   #12
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I have a slightly different take on this then what the other's have said, but it requires a bit of back-story.

My husband is naturally thin (6'2" 213 pounds) but he has some serious food phobias, plus, he doesn't like food. It is really hard for me to grasp how someone can not like food, but he has stated many times that if he could avoid putting another drop of food in his mouth ever again, he would gladly take the opportunity. When he does eat, he can't eat anything crisp or overly juicy - so this means he can't eat fruits and vegetables (I try to keep him somewhat healthy by making him smoothies in the morning, taking multi-vitiamins, and insisting he drink V-8 fruit juice instead of regular sugary juice, but I digress). Luckily, he doesn't like fast-food very often either but he does like and does eat mostly what I consider JUNK. Boxes of pasta, burgers, quesadillas, nachos, and peanut butter sandwiches make up 98% of his diet. Generally speaking, I prepare his food for him or half the time he won't eat anything at all. He doesn't really get hungry unless he hasn't eaten for 12+ hours, and doesn't find it necessary to eat unless he is physically uncomfortably hungry (weirdo...)

My reason for spelling all of that out is that I have no choice but to keep things in the house that are temptations for me to eat poorly. I can't clean out the cupboard and fridge, and I can't just not buy these things.

I think this is part of the reason that at this point, 10 months into my journey, my willpower is unbelievably tight! I have been surrounded by butter and cheese and pasta day in and day out up to this point, and I have not had an issue with back sliding. Because of the constant fight I had (at first anyway, now it's second nature to turn down eating the crappy foods in favor of nutritious meals), I have built up an amazing resistance that continues to serve me well.

The point of my story is that if I can lose 120 pounds (so far) while still making my husband nachos twice a week, anyone can!

While I am totally in favor of you working with your husband and trying to get him to be healthier, he has to make that decision for himself. Now that you have made the decision for yourself, you can also make the decision every single day to not eat the junk he is eating. It will be hard, but it will be worth it. And like others have said, once he sees your success, maybe he will choose to follow in your footsteps.
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Old 10-11-2010, 01:22 PM   #13
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Oh man. First of all - SO PROUD of you for sticking with this!! It is only goin to get harder if he doesn't want to make the change. What IS important,a nd maybe you should talk to him about this, is that your CHILD (ren) get healthy along with you. If he doesn't care about himself, I'm sure he'll care about them. Try to make him see that this isn't about him anymore, it's about living a healthy life so your children grow up to bea healthy productive adults.
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