Last year, I asked the guy I thought was my best friend to quit bullying me in one particular telephone conversation. He has never spoken to me since. Talk about holding a grudge! Seriously, it gave me a lot of pause as well as a lot of pain. I couldn't be his doormat any more - but if standing up for myself in this mildest of ways produced this total rejection..... well, maybe I was better off a doormat.
Anyway, I took my eye off the weightloss ball and regained 36lbs.
Fast forward a year to yesterday. I'm supposed to be going on holiday next year with a close female friend. For the first time in 25 years, I agreed to share a room with her (with anybody - I suffer from Bathroom Embarrassment!) Not long after we booked, she discovered she needed surgery on her shoulder, and went on the waiting list. It's not life-threatening but she'd rather have it done. They told her they'd try and hurry things up but months have gone by, and no date yet. So yesterday we were talking about booking airport hotels and travel for the night before and stuff. She's never once mentioned that her issues might impact on mine - yes, of course I know wanting surgery isn't her fault but it's not mine either.
So, I got to that place again where I knew that Not saying anything was going to totally mess with my head. I asked her, given that her health was paramount, what would she do if it got so close to the departure date when she was given an op. date that she'd have to cancel the trip? She said oh it was ok, she'd claim back on her insurance. Still no mention of the impact on me: I can't afford the single supplement (don't even start me on that hobbyhorse!), and *I* wouldn't be able to claim on my insurance for cancelling at short notice the trip plus all the pre-trip travel and accommodation.
I repeated that her health was paramount; I repeated that I'd be seriously out of pocket in a way I can't afford if she cancelled; I reiterated that I knew it wasn't her fault - but still, it had to be said. I suggested that we re-schedule the trip for its next departure in June - but she's gone off all wounded and huffy "I wondered when this would come up". Frankly, the courteous thing on her part would have been to mention it first, not leave it to me to bring up.
So I'm back in the same place - disappointed that I had to bring up something that better courtesy would have meant the other person bringing up; slightly baffled that they're offended. I then do a bit of weightloss reminiscence and discover that - virtually to the pound! - I'm the same weight as when I got my cojones together last year but then got them home in a hankie as toys. I feel flat and meh and horrible this morning, in serious need of a box of chocolates. Don't worry, I'll go for a walk instead; but I guess I've got more headwork to do:
Why have my closest friendships up to now been with people who're autocratic and bossy and don't remember my needs?
What will I do to make friends on a more equitable level? I am seriously drawn to people in authority, and having their friendship seems to be something that gives me a big buzz. And yet I keep coming to the point where I don't want to be their doormats any more ~ the footwipers don't like it but I'm not sure what to do with the results. Sigh. Thanks for reading.
Oh my. What a predicament. I definitely understand your annoyance. You are entitled to it. She should have told you, "I must warn you, if my surgery comes up, I will have to cancel". Then it would be left up to you as how you want to proceed.
She should have been more forthcoming with you. You were right to speak up.
Oh and I understand you wanting to dive into some chocolates as well! You were wounded and needed a bit of soothing and that seemed the fastest and best way. Good for staying strong and realizing that that most certainly wouldn't be so soothing, but for a few moments. SO not worth it.
I hope it all works out. I am sorry you are going through this.
but if standing up for myself in this mildest of ways produced this total rejection..... well, maybe I was better off a doormat.
Wrong. Please try to change your thinking about this. Probably you meant it as an ironic statement?
As for why you have relationships with people who are bossy and seem not to consider your position--is there anyone else in your life, such as a close relative, who is like this? It could be that you have unconsciously used this as a template for relationships. Of course I don't know at all! But it may be that that type of person attracts you because they are familiar. People who are more inclined to treat you with courtesy and as an equal may not even show up on your "radar."
Just a thought, Rosinante. And regardless, stay with your food program! Eating doesn't fix relationship difficulties, sad to say.
__________________ "My religion is kindness." --His Holiness the Dalai Lama
Oh honey, I wish I had words of wisdom, but you've gotten to those words all on your own. You've done the right thing for yourself AND for the friendship if there really is one. She'll either think it through and be more considerate or she'll move on to a new doormat.
I read your post, and wow... this person has been extremely rude and inconsiderate towards you.
Firstly, as rockinrobin said, she definitely should have been the person to raise this potentially difficult issue. It's her operation after all, and if it came up, she would need to be the one to pull out, so it should have been her that initiated the discussion as soon as it looked like it may pose a problem for your trip. Sure, it's unfortunate she needs an operation, yes that isn't her fault, but as you've said, it is her responsibility to make sure that she accounts for how this impacts on other people.
Secondly, despite her discourtesy at not raising the issue directly with you, you went ahead and began the potentially awkward discussion re: her operation impacting on your trip. The fact that she was actually rude to you about bringing up this issue is unbelievable. You shouldn't have even had to be the one to initiate it, and the fact that she was rude about you raising something that a considerate person would have raised themselves is ridiculous.
It seems like you are explaining this away just in terms of you and your behaviour. This may be helpful in some respects, since you've said that you have identified patterns in the sorts of people you are drawn to, and perhaps that is something you'd like to alter in the long term. But having said that, to me as an external viewer, this says so much more about them and their behaviour and values. Doormat, pushover or not, the behaviour you have been subjected to wasn't decent at all, and it honestly sounds better to me that you identify this as wrong and move on, rather than continue to tolerate sub-standard friendships. I'm sure that's easier said than done, but you've made the first step in identifying the pattern!
major goals: healthy bmi @ 159 | original goal @ 150 | ultimate goal @ 138 stone goals: under 12 stone @ 167 | under 11 stone @ 153 | under 10 stone @ 139 c25k: completed! (started 30.08.10, finished 08.11.10) 30 day shred: level 1 day 1234567 8 9 10 | level 2 day 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 | level 3 day 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Thanks, guys. I just thought I'd check because, kind of in the same way as we don't quite believe our bodies when they get slimmer, it's sometimes hard to know if one's emotional perception about ourselves and our relationships is skewed or not. And it was a bit off-putting to have got similar reactions in the only two cases where I've done the assertive bit.
The emotionally distant figure in my life was my dad - a bit Victorian-authoritarian, very nice man but not demonstrative At All. I'm beginning to see the pattern but not the solution - yet!
Last edited by Rosinante : 09-20-2010 at 09:24 AM.
Rosinante - it's one of the wonders of this weight loss journey that it actually involves so much more than just numbers. I don't know if you have a pattern of taking on the 'doormat' role in relationships or not, but now that you are aware you'll be more watchful for it. You are certainly worth more than that, and the so-called 'friends' will either see that and adjust their behaviours, or lose out on the wonderful person that you are! As you grow into yourself as a person, you'll attract more equal relationships. Don't give up (or dive into chocolates -- messy!)
When nothing goes right, go left!
Start Aug 23, 2010 @ 258.4 lbs
Target Sept 19, 2010: below 250 lbs - Reached!
Target Sept 28-about Nov 4 - survive radiation therapy! DONE Nov 3, 2010
Target: fit into denim pencil skirt Reached! 2010-10-19
Target: Walk 5000 steps/day seven days in a row
Return to work cancer-free! January 4, 2011
Target Feb 14, 2011: below 200 lbs
So I'm back in the same place - disappointed that I had to bring up something that better courtesy would have meant the other person bringing up; slightly baffled that they're offended.
I would feel exactly the same way. Your friend should have brought this up and she should understand your feeling. I too am baffled that she was offended. I don't have any advice about finding equitable friends. Keep looking because you deserve true friends!
Persistence is more important than Perfection
Continuous effort - not strength or intelligence - is the key to unlocking our potential. - Winston Churchill
I didn't eat the chocolates, I went for a walk instead. I was out for about 2 and a half hours, although some of that was shopping, and some of that was a skinny latte in Costa. I bought an orange handbag to go with my new orange jacket. Just one thing I have to watch - now that I can buy (some) clothes that fit, and I feel all whoopdedoo about myself and want to look good ~ just because I Want to spend doesn't mean I have to, or indeed can! No point exchanging one over-indulgence for another!
She didn't ring back until today, and it was about something else.
So again, I took the initiative and asked if she'd contacted the company as discussed to look at their June option. "Oh that's not good," she said. "It's when I'm away with X for her birthday."
(Inner thought: so she Did investigate, she just didn't bother to let me know)
"I can't help this", she said. "There's nothing I can do about it".
So I pushed for a decision. The decision is, if the date for surgery is offered to her for while we're away, she'll refuse it. If up to a week beforehand, she'll take it and travel in a sling. "Someone" will have to carry her luggage. "Someone" will have to cut up her food for her.
She's done this before, though not with me, travelled with a condition where people think, Isn't she Brave? but some poor sap gets shfted with all the work. And of course, how could one/I refuse to carry the case (she doesn't travel light) for the poor, gallant lady without looking like a thug?
OK. Breathe. OK. I shouldn't have agreed to the trip. I'm fond of her in many ways but in many other ways she pushes my buttons. When I agreed to the trip, I thought my headstuff had improved and that I'd cope. Obviously not, yet. Although I've still got 4 months to work on my attitude (and weightloss). My fault for settling. Lesson learned. I will not settle. I will not settle. I will not settle. Repeat 500 times.