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I can't believe I'm this big

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Old 09-15-2010, 12:45 PM   #1
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Unhappy I can't believe I'm this big

I'm new to posting, but am a habitual lurker around these parts.

Most of my life I've lived around the 170 mark (excluding childhood)...I always felt enormous, but when I look back on photos I actually look pretty healthy at that weight and it kills me that I've let it get this far out of control. I got married 6 years ago and over the course of the first two years the lovely combination of Depo and fast food led me to the 240'ish range. I got down to 220 lbs. and stayed around that weight for a couple of years. Within the last year I piled on an extra 30 pounds. For some odd reason I've been in size 22 since I've been in the 220s. Weird.

Anyway, something finally clicked...I realized I was going to be 30 in August and I refuse to be fat on my 30th birthday. So I spent a month and a half gradually cutting back on fast food and sodas until I was ready to cut them out completely. I started a food journal and keep my calories around 1200 to 1500 and really started losing weight. I've been journaling (i.e. seriously changing) for 4 weeks and I've lost nearly 10 pounds. I have goals and intend to be my high school weight of 150 by my birthday in August. Ultimately I want to be smaller, but I think 150 is a reasonable first goal.

Last night I had my husband take some photographs as semi-before images so that when I reach goal I can post here and hopefully inspire others. But the problem is...I'm devastated. I had no idea I was so huge and disgusting. Now, it is TOM so it could be adding to my state of mind, but I'm having a really difficult time. I'm one of those who is obsessed with the idea of loose skin...it has literally stopped me from moving forward in the past. I know everyone says it's better than being obese, and I agree...but, I don't know. I just cannot get the idea out of mind--especially now that I've seen what I really look like. I'm not going to let this loose skin fear stop me, but I'm having a really hard time. I could deal with a tummy tuck and boob job, but not a lower body lift or the arm skin thing.......This is coming off as completely whiny and stupid, I know, and it's a **** of a way to introduce myself. I'm just feeling so down and hopeless right now.
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Old 09-15-2010, 12:59 PM   #2
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That's why we're here, to listen when you're whiny and stupid and cheer when you knock some sense into yourself I hear you, though... I always looked at pictures of myself at my highest weight and thought "wow that's a really unflattering picture" because when I looked in the mirror I didn't see myself the same way. Then I got honest with myself and took some pictures from all angles and realised that no, the pictures weren't necessarily bad... I looked bad. Period. I was being swallowed up by my fat. I still am, to be fair, but I now look at pictures of myself with the hope and faith that every time I take them they'll get a little better.

Loose skin is a scary thought! However, like everyone says, it's a whole lot better than morbid obesity! Lucky for you, you already have a husband who loves you and will find you sexy no matter what... or at least he should! Lol. Ultimately your health is the biggest priority, and then you can look into toning, giving yourself time for your skin to shrink back a bit, and possibly even plastic surgery if it comes to it.

One day at a time, right? Focus on the fact that you've done well so far, and make a plan for the future... how you'll keep doing it, what you'll do to reward yourself as you go, and so on. And keep posting! We'll have your back, no matter what.
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Old 09-15-2010, 01:28 PM   #3
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It sounds like you're doing awesome! Progress pics are great to have - so keep snapping away. I'm not sure what to tell you on the loose skin front, as I feel exactly as you do. I'm really worried about it, and upset that I allowed this to happen to my body. I feel like I'll always wonder what might have been had I not allowed food to control me. I have no doubt that not being obese is worth the loose skin (the difference I feel already is incredible - mind you I have been obese a LONG time, since early teens) but still the thought of all that extra skin sucks, big time. Anyhow thanks for giving me a chance to complain too!
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Old 09-15-2010, 01:38 PM   #4
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OH HEY! Are you my twin? OMG...everything you just said is almost exactly what I posted in my intro today.

Depo? Oh gosh...THE WORST! I can totally relate to you! It sounds like we are also doing similar things to lose the weight. I think you are doing great so far and you are also on the right track.

I understand your fears about the loose skin! I hate to think about it too, but I also have seen my body tightening up with exercise and I think that it wont be as bad as I thought! I know I wont look like a Playboy model, but that's okay, I have had kids and my body is stretched out, my boobies are saggy...I thought about surgery, but I want to see what I can do first!

It's okay to whine here, you have lots of support! Just keep going, you are doing great with the changes you made so far!
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Old 09-15-2010, 03:14 PM   #5
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Whine away!!! that's what this place is for! I personally think you are doing great!

Welcome aboard. We're glad you're here!
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Old 09-15-2010, 04:47 PM   #6
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I've known I need to lose weight for a long time. Every once in awhile I would be mortified by a photo, but since I generally avoid photos as much as possible, it wasn't a common occurrence. THEN...last month we took our family to a hotel, and I took the baby swimming for the first time. My husband shot the photos, and since he is very technologically averse he didn't really zoom in or anything (here I was thinking he'd zoom in on the baby and all you would see would be a little strip of my swimsuit). Nope...photo after photo after photo of me IN A SWIMSUIT. It was nothing short of horrifying. Right up there with those moments when I catch a glimpse of myself in a window and for a moment I ask myself "who is THAT fat person?" only to realize in the next moment that the fat person is me.

It's a hard, harsh, difficult reality to face, but we are here to face it together, and move past it one day, one pound at a time.
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Old 09-15-2010, 06:51 PM   #7
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I am right there with you. In fact, you and I are pretty much at the exact same weights - start, current, and goal. The way I see it is that, like others said, loose skin is so preferable to being as big as I am right now. I will deal with what my body looks like when I get there, and in the meantime I'm going to counteract the effects as best I can with strength workouts and dry brushing (it may or may not help, but my skin feels great, at least!) For me, at least, this is a mental battle more than anything - me vs. food and my emotions and my self-esteem issues. For once, I'd like to win. You can do it, and I'm right here with you!
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Old 09-15-2010, 09:01 PM   #8
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I'm with you! Just gotta keep thinking "man, one of these days I'm going to be thin and gorgeous!" Plus, all these wonderful people supporting doesn't hurt either!
keep on keepin' on!
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Old 09-15-2010, 09:35 PM   #9
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Right now you are used to hating your body, so you think having lose skin will feel like that. But it really doesn't. After you lose the weight, you love your body. You're amazed at what it can do--you're proud of your body like it's your child who just won the Nobel Prize. When you feel like that about your body, you don't mind the minor flaws because they are insignificant in the big picture.

My body WORKS now. It can do things. It can run up stairs, go over a fence, jump up on a counter, lift and carry a box of paper. It can slip between two tightly parked cars and negotiate a crowded room and slide into a booth. It can pick up a dropped pencil without a second thought and curl up into a ball on the couch. It can run errands all day and come home to clean house. This may be TMI, but it can **** for as long as it wants to and in exotic positions, and it has regular monthly cycles for the first time ever.

Furthermore, it looks great. It rocks a pair of size ten pants and a medium shirt, and looks pretty hot in a tankini with boy shorts. It does amazing things to a negligee.

Does it have some loose skin? A bit--if you saw me naked, you'd know I lost weight or think I had a baby. But there's so much to like about my body that the things I don't like get drowned out. The same will be true for you, too, I promise.

I started much bigger than you--300 lbs (at least) and a size 28. I am sorry that the pictures were so hard for you. I've honestly never seen such a picture of myself because I worked HARD not to (for ten years, I closed my eyes every time I approached a mirror or plate glass door). But
really, honestly, you can do this, and it's the most amazingly wonderful thing that will ever happen to you. The loose skin is just a slight wrinkle in the midst of a million joyous changes.
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Old 09-15-2010, 10:24 PM   #10
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I know what you mean, definitely. It's so hard to look back on old pictures and think "why didn't I stop myself?" you know? I wish I could go back in time and tell myself to take it easy, that I could have gotten in shape before I lost all my self-esteem. I feel like I just blew up, I really do. There's no better way to describe it. But you know what? We are young. And 30 is still young in my opinion, and you can put in the effort, put in the time, work it off, and you're going to have so many years where you are thin and happy. I always have to remind myself that it isn't too late, and I think that's very important!
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Old 09-15-2010, 11:59 PM   #11
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Wow. Y'all are amazing. And you're all right.

Yes, I'm so mad at myself for allowing this. Mad as ****. There are so many what ifs on this journey...what if I'd never let this happen, what if I get loose skin, what if I don't get loose skin, what if I never get the body I really want, what if I get to my ultimate goal and my self esteem is blown to smithereens because of what I look like...why why WHY did I get this way? It's frustrating, but I'm moving forward. I'm not going to let it stop me this time.

I'm definitely doing ALL I can that's thought to possibly combat the loose skin (dry brushing, moisturizing, drinking 100 oz. of water per day, taking MSM internally and using it topically in soap and lotion, alfalfa supplements) so I'm hopeful, but not particularly optimistic...LOL...as if you couldn't tell from this thread!

But thanks everyone. It's so amazing to know you all are going through or have gone through the same thing. It's so nice to know I'm not alone. Husbands just don't get it.

Last night while I was boo-hooing about my photos to my husband, he said "well you took them in the most unflattering clothing possible" (jersey gaucho pants and a tight tank top)...I had to laugh...Isn't that the point? To get the REAL idea instead of covering all the lumps, bumps, and uneven boobage with a giant t-shirt? ha...men!
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Old 09-16-2010, 12:09 AM   #12
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I can definitely relate to having days where you look in the mirror or see a photo that makes you cringe and it makes you feel totally defeated. In fact, this is a problem that really hindered me from losing weight in the past. However, in the last couple of months, I tried to adjust how I see myself. When I'm having a "fat day," I promise myself to eat healthy and go exercise, because as long as I keep doing what I'm doing, the weight will come off eventually.

It usually works too! Weight loosing is a total emotional and physical rollercoaster, so when you're feeling yourself at a low, just remember you'll be at a high in no time provided you keep doin' what you're doin'!
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Old 09-16-2010, 12:25 AM   #13
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Well, your husband and all your friends and family see you at the size you are everyday, and they love you!!
Seeing the full body pic after a long time of avoidance can be a pretty shocking thing, though. I know exactly how that is! Don't be angry at yourself, be proud of yourself for working on making a change!
As far as hang-y skin, my mom and a few of her friends have lost a good deal of weight and they got these sort of compression body suit things. It has really helped keep things together while they firm up and these women are in their 50s!
Do your best and deal with new challenges as they arise.
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Old 09-16-2010, 10:13 AM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by katec View Post
I am right there with you. In fact, you and I are pretty much at the exact same weights - start, current, and goal. The way I see it is that, like others said, loose skin is so preferable to being as big as I am right now. I will deal with what my body looks like when I get there
Same here, I have similar stats to the OP as well (though in my case it's not wanting to be fat when I turn 40, not 30 ).

I'm going to say something a little harsh, please forgive me: letting fear of "loose skin" keep you from losing weight is really lame. It's a lame excuse to keep eating whatever you feel like eating, to avoid having to drag your butt to the gym, to avoid giving yourself the healthier body you deserve. It's just another way to undermine yourself, just like "I'm too busy to work out" or "I don't have time to cook two meals so I'll just eat this fried steak I made for my partner" or "I'll start after the holidays" or any of the other myriad excuses we make for ourselves that keep us fat.

Loose skin? When you look at the gorgeous "after" photos of the people on this board who have lost a lot of weight successfully, do you think "wow, she'd look great if it weren't for all that loose skin?"

Loose skin doesn't increase your risk of heart disease or cancer. It doesn't leave you out of breath after climbing the stairs or chasing your kids around the park. It doesn't make potential employees judge you (even unconsciously) as a lazy or undisciplined person. Etc, etc, etc all the reasons why being thin with a little loose skin is preferable to being fat.

It's time to pull up your big-girl panties and stop letting fear of loose skin justify shoveling cupcakes into your mouth.
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Old 09-16-2010, 10:47 AM   #15
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I don't think you sound "whiny and stupid" at all. Not at all.

I understand the mentality of seeing myself one day and realized how big I'd become. It's one of the least fun things I've ever experienced. What's good to remember is that with work and new habits on, it won't always be that way. You can do this.

Also, with the loose skin, it's definitely a concern of mine as well. But even if I do get it, that's a heck of a lot easier to cover up with clothing. And apparently the pictures of the enormous amounts of loose skin I googled are from people who have had weight loss surgery and lose weight super fast. Eating right and working out, cardio and weight lifting, should help a lot from what I've read.

You're doing amazing so far!
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