3 Fat Chicks on a Diet Weight Loss Community  

Go Back   3 Fat Chicks on a Diet Weight Loss Community > Support Forum > Support Groups > 100 lb. Club

I'm going to slap her!

Reply
 
Thread Tools
Old 08-26-2010, 12:12 PM   #1
Senior Member
 
DaughterOfVenus's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Maine
Posts: 266

S/C/G: 266.2/See ticker/133.0

Height: 5'5

Default I'm going to slap her!

I live with my grandmother, and I REALLY love her. I just want to put that out there.

That said: I'm about to smash her with a hammer.

She used to be big. She's about 5'1 and at her heaviest she weighed 280. She got gastric bypass and lost a whole bunch of weight and has kept it off for like five years.

She's ALWAYS made comments about my weight and how I need to lose it. But it's gotten really bad this year. Passive aggressive stuff, outright stuff, all the time, and it makes me get b***y, and she can't seem to understand why.

She thinks she's a nutritionist and gets on my case about eating too much pasta and frigging HARPS on me about not eating enough protien, you gotta have protein, protien, protien, protien (I'm a semi-vegetarian, and apparently beans and tofu aren't protien according to Dr. Her.)

Anyhow, I thought starting to lose weight would get her off my back. But NOW all she does is RAVE about how proud of me she is, and how disgusted she used to be by my eating habits.

I'm like HOW is that supposed to be encouraging? I don't want to hear about how disgusted you used to be by me. I've only lost five pounds. Stop counting your MFing CHICKENS!

*deep cleansing breaths*

Then today I made the mistake of letting her overhear a conversation I was having with my best friend who is also overweight. She heard me say that my goal is 133 pounds.

She SCOFFED. "BRENDA-SUE you CAN'T get to a hundred and thirty three pounds!" Like I'm an idiot! Like she's talking to a four year old. I tried to argue and she cuts me off again, "You CAN'T, I've TRIED. I got down to 150 and I didn't feel good. My stomach didn't feel good. No way, I'll give you 150 cause you're taller, but that's ENOUGH."

... I tried to be the bigger person, but I failed. I said, "Well considering I'm not cutting up my digestive system, I don't think it's logical to say my stomach is going to feel the same way as yours does, don't you think?"

She continued to argue and I said: "Meme, I'm younger, taller, and more muscular than you. I'm losing the weight slower, and unlike you, I plan to exercise. I don't think it's fair for you to think you should know what my goals are, and I'm not asking you to sign off on them."

Needless to say we haven't spoken since.

WHAT is her ISSUE? WHY does she feel the need to tear me down for not trying, and then STILL tear me down when I am?!

I'm going insane.

Last edited by DaughterOfVenus : 08-26-2010 at 01:07 PM.
DaughterOfVenus is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-26-2010, 12:22 PM   #2
MasterHarper
 
Robsia's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Lancashire
Posts: 1,634

Height: 5'5"

Default

I don't know why she has issues - but you CAN get down to 133. I am your height and I got down to 129 at one point. I am still trying to get back there but I know that I'm struggling because I'm cheating

But I was there - so yoiu can too.

Try saying something like "When you say xxx, it makes me feel yyy so please can you not say stuff like that."

It might not work - she has a LONG lifetime of being the way she is, but at least she will know that it bothers you.

Well done, BTW!
__________________
Overall goal...............................Baby steps goal...............................Exercise goal
..



"Look at these people who run marathons. What makes them different to you?...
They have the same bones and muscles as you, the same sinews and organs...
you can do anything you want to, be anything you want to.
The only thing stopping you is you!

~ Money Can't Buy Me Love, by Julie Reilly
Robsia is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-26-2010, 12:26 PM   #3
Soul Cyster
 
beerab's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: California
Posts: 4,487

S/C/G: 235/seeticker/135

Height: 5'3"

Default

Wow- well maybe it's good you aren't talking right now lol- give each other some relief.

I guess all you can do is ask her why she's acting this way and tell her how you feel- in a nice way of course

Grandmas.... lol. My husband has MS and his grandmother got so upset at him when he had a drink at his bday party and he was like grandma I'm a grown man, I'm 35 years old, I can have a drink! She insisted it was bad for his MS lol. I was like his one drink a year (cuz he rarely drinks) isn't going to hurt him.
__________________
beerab is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-26-2010, 12:31 PM   #4
poco a poco
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 495

S/C/G: 246/166.5/158

Height: 5'5"

Default

133 should be do-able for you, but why sweat it? Get closer and evaluate as you go.

Now, about your Grandmother, it's a little late to change her. Sometimes the best thing to do is smile, nod and say "that's interesting" and then go on with your life.
__________________
Nada is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-26-2010, 12:38 PM   #5
Oh, you stubborn Viking!
 
LacieRene's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Bellingham, WA
Posts: 67

S/C/G: 342/SEE TICKER/192

Height: 5 ft 9 in

Default

I am in a similar situation. My 82 year old grandmother lives with my husband and myself and my whole life she has always said I need to lose weight (while she's making cookies and shoving them at me) and how I have such a pretty face, but I'd be a total package if I could just slim down. Well, now I am losing weight. And all I hear from her is how horrifically overweight I used to be and oh it was so embarrassing to be around me when we went out to eat and how thankful she is that I finally listened to her. For crying out loud, lady! Thanks for making me feel even more awkward about how I used to look! If my own grandma thought that, I wonder what a complete stranger must have thought? And even though I am more than 100 pounds away from my goal weight, she keeps telling me not to get too thin. I'm just at my wits end. I've tried talking to her about it, but she just starts to cry and it's out of control. Oh well. I'm doing this for me and I'll get as small as I want to. Good luck and you're not alone!
__________________



342 - 5/12/10 - Starting Weight
300 - Met 7/20/10
272 - Met 9/25/10
242 - Met --/--/--
225 - Met --/--/-- (Goal by 1/1/11)
192 - Met --/--/-- (Goal by 5/12/11) Final Goal
LacieRene is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-26-2010, 12:40 PM   #6
onedayatatimer
 
luckymommy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 3,268

S/C/G: 224/ticker/145-155

Height: 5'9.5"

Default

You got some great advice. I can't handle people who give unsolicited advice. I think subtlety isn't going to work with certain people. I would set some clear boundaries regarding what you will or won't tolerate. Start by congratulating her on how far she has come. Gastric bypass is not an easy route to take. However, let her know that you don't want any comments about your weight, your eating habits past, present and future and anything related to weight loss because even though she's trying to be helpful, her comments are not helpful. They are hurtful. Tell her you love her and you want to have a good relationship with her but that you're not interested in discussing this subject with her anymore. If it's too hard to say, or you think you'll get even more upset/emotional if you speak to her, perhaps a letter would do best, with an emphasis on how much you love her and enjoy her company.
__________________

First goal: under 180: 6/2/15
Second goal: 175 or below: 6/9/15
Third goal: 168 (no longer overweight):
Fourth goal: 161 (what I weighed before I fell off):
Fifth goal: below 160:
Final goal: 145-155:
luckymommy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-26-2010, 12:55 PM   #7
Calorie counter
 
Eliana's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 5,679

Height: 5'4.5"

Default

Oh my goodness yes, smile and nod, smile and nod. It's like arguing with a three year old...you won't win. So I don't even try. I do not enter into an argument with my mother. We have a she-is-right policy and then I go home and complain to poor DH. I got the same reaction from my mom when she asked early on how much I wanted to lose. I'd lost 30 and said I wanted to lose 100. She argued with me (more like AT me because I did not participate). I think people really don't have a good concept of what pounds translate to in reality.

It doesn't matter anyway. Our bodies often determine where we'll end up. I never said I will lose 100 pounds or die trying...I said I wanted to lose 100 pounds.
__________________
Long term goal: To still be calorie counting 11/9/2010
mini goals: ~211-10% lost;12/24/09 ~203 class I obesity 1/28/10; ~199 Onederland/15% 2/19/10; ~188-20%; ~185 half way 5/14/10; 179-bye 180's 6/12/10; ~174 overweight 7/3/2010;169-bye 170's 8/13/10;~164-30% 10/23/2010159-bye 160's~11/1/10; 153-35%~12/23/10; 149-bye 150's~2/11/11; 145 normal~2/14/2011; ~141-40%; 139-bye 140's ~135 GOAL! (129-45%; 117.5-50%)






My "goal" story: http://www.3fatchicks.com/forum/goal...goal-post.html
Eliana is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-26-2010, 01:04 PM   #8
Senior Member
 
DaughterOfVenus's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Maine
Posts: 266

S/C/G: 266.2/See ticker/133.0

Height: 5'5

Default

That's what drives me crazy. If I get to 150 and realize that's where I should be, I will stay: And I KNOW Meme will spend hours telling me how right she was.

I wish she'd get bent.
DaughterOfVenus is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-26-2010, 01:09 PM   #9
Senior Member
 
MellyWag's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Ontario
Posts: 142

S/C/G: 244.6/237/155

Height: 5'5"

Default

I know how you feel, my gramma has been like that with me and my sister our whole lives, i remember her telling me how fat I was when I was 12! And when I was 6 months pregnant she told me I was getting TOO fat, I know it's hard for a lot of people to do, but with me I just roll my eyes, say yes gramma, and walk away. I try not to take to heart what she says
__________________
MellyWag is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-26-2010, 01:11 PM   #10
Senior Member
 
DaughterOfVenus's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Maine
Posts: 266

S/C/G: 266.2/See ticker/133.0

Height: 5'5

Default

@mellywag -- I think I could probably do that if we didn't live together. But living in the same house, I bite my tongue until it starts to bleed, and then eventually lash out like I did today.
DaughterOfVenus is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-26-2010, 01:25 PM   #11
Senior Member
 
kaplods's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Wausau, WI
Posts: 13,361

S/C/G: SW:394/310/180

Height: 5'6"

Default

I have the best luck with the smile and nod approach (although I don't always have the forsight to use it). Nothing shuts up unsolicited advice like agreeing with the person.

I usually say "you're probably right," if I can get away with it. Some people use it as a way to keep going "of course I'm right - blah, blah, blah." I just tune out that part, it's amazing what you can tune out with a little effort.

My mom is the biggest food guilter/food pusher in my life. Somehow I'm supposed to eat constantly when I visit her (only what she wants me to, of course) and somehow lose weight. Luckily, hubby and I visit only a couple times a year, and they usually visit once so three times a year is manageable.

Living under the same roof is really difficult though, and I feel for you. I don't think I could live with my mom for an extended period of time, if my life depended on it. And to be honest, I think she feels the same way. I know our visits drain us both if we stay more than a week.
__________________
My Etsy shop (currently closed for the summer)

http://www.dreamstormdesigns.etsy.com
etsy link by permission from 3fc! Want to add yours? Ask them!
kaplods is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-26-2010, 02:05 PM   #12
Cat Cuddler
 
doingmybest's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: California
Posts: 571

S/C/G: 287/266/150

Height: 5'5"

Default

Hi Everyone:

I feel your pain - and, frankly, people like the ones you have described absolutely drive me nuts. It's like they don't have anything else to think about or talk about. They love to focus on other people's flaws rather than look at their own. (BTW, Brenda (daughter of Venus), thanks for making me LOL! I love the way you write!)

It's complicated to know how to handle this when you truly love someone - like your grandmother. Sometimes people say things out of love and sometimes they say things to make themselves feel better.

The person in my life who is a critical B is my MIL - and believe me, I hate her - so there is no concern about saving the relationship. She loves to criticize and monitor everyone's food intake. She also loves making cutting comments to my DH and to me about our weight. On the other hand, the minute I start to lose weight, she is shoving junk food right at me, hoping to sabatoge me.

One day, at a family dinner with my ILs, after my MIL made an embarrassing comment about my FIL's and DH's weight, I was so P***** O**, that I said to everyone at the entire table: "Now that MIL has chosen to point out FIL's and DH's imperfections, I think that we should go around the table and talk about what is wrong with each one of us! Let's start with MIL!" The conversation came to a dead stop. My DH was mad at me and chewed me out later. I came back at him and told him that I will not tolerate that crap from anyone and that someone has to be strong enough to say something. Sometimes you have to be aggressive to get people to shut up.

Now - Whenever she starts to criticize me, I get up and walk out of the room. I never sit next to her at a meal and I never answer the phone when she calls. If she starts to criticize DH, that's his problem. If he loves her so d*** much, he can deal with her himself.

I recommend that if it is really getting bad for you, and you don't want to say something you'll regret, walk out of the room. Stop the conversation immediately. Read a newspaper, turn on loud music, go shopping. That is the only thing that has saved me.

Good luck. I am with you in spirit.
__________________




One for every 10 lbs.

Last edited by doingmybest : 08-26-2010 at 02:10 PM.
doingmybest is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-26-2010, 03:04 PM   #13
Senior Member
 
DaughterOfVenus's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Maine
Posts: 266

S/C/G: 266.2/See ticker/133.0

Height: 5'5

Default

Man, I love you guys. I needed you.
DaughterOfVenus is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-26-2010, 03:44 PM   #14
Focused on the Future
 
JustBeckyV's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Iowa
Posts: 990

S/C/G: 237/132/137

Height: 5' 3"

Default

Big huggles - hopefully she will get the picture soon enough and just celebrate with you on what you are achieving!
__________________


JustBeckyV is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-26-2010, 08:38 PM   #15
Senior Member
 
DaughterOfVenus's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Maine
Posts: 266

S/C/G: 266.2/See ticker/133.0

Height: 5'5

Default

On the way home from a family party tonight, I had a bit of a breakthrough with her. The conversation started much the same, but she was saying, "You used to eat like a lumberjack, just like I used to. God I used to be able to eat xyz xyz and it made me so sad to see you hurting yourself like I did..."

And suddenly, listening to her word it like that made it so much less accusatory and judgemental... Sometimes she doesn't word things right, but I think I understand now what she was trying to say all those times, and it IS out of love. She's trying to encourage me, I just think she didn't realize how badly it was coming across.

So I feel a lot better.

Even though I ate some no-nos at that party, but I didn't overdo, and it's been two weeks. I have to have a little wiggle once in a while, right? I got right back to plan, and I still doubt I'm over my calories, even if I didn't spend them in the best way nutritionally. Oh well. You win some, you lose some. I highly doubt I'm going to gain from it. When I found myself picking and picking and picking at the mexican dip, I left the room and came here on my IPhone to distract myself, and it totally worked. This place has really become my lifeline.
DaughterOfVenus is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply
Posts by members, moderators and admins are not considered medical advice
and no guarantee is made against accuracy.


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
I'm trying hard!! Noellem87 300+ Club 132 06-13-2010 03:40 PM
Old Hens 40+ And Ready to Lose #116 Terri in MO 300+ Club 91 04-16-2007 10:16 AM
I'm back, and ready for action....come join my crusade fatgirl8me Weight Watchers 199 05-10-2004 10:35 AM
Countdown to 225.... April 21 and on Kim in NJ Weight Watchers 38 05-11-2001 01:13 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 12:27 AM.






Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.6.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2015, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.3.2