I am feeling so defeated ladies! I know this is going to sound like a pity party, but I think I just need to get it off my chest. I cried to my db last night, but the best he could say was, "You aren't going to give up!" and "I won't let you ruin all this hard work!" I got angry and defensive and asked him "What are you going to do sew my mouth shut!?" I think I was seriously hoping he'd try! LOL He wasn't joking when he said if he had to buy locks for the fridge and the pantry that he would! But the problem isn't what or how much I am eating, its all been on plan except for the breakfast I had last week where it put me up .2 lbs.
I have been exercising, daily I've been power walking about 2 miles in a half hour. I know I should be doing more but it has been soo hot, even the early mornings have been unbearable and I am absolutely burnt out by the time I am done. I usually hop on the wii fit later on in the day to be sure my metabolism stays moving, but it seems to no avail. I was down to 233 with 5.5 inches lost on my waist, and for some reason I am now back up to almost 238 and I gained an inch back! What is going on? Why if I am doing all as I should be am I going back wards? I feel so frustrated especially since I haven't even lost a 1/4 of what I need to lose to simply be on the heavier side of healthy. If I want to be "healthy" on the BMI scale, I need to lose 118 more pounds.
Even though I have lost 10 already, now considering the gain I have had this week, I can't look at it as enough anymore. I was so excited to see the pounds come off, and I know most of it was water weight, but I worked hard to lose that 15 lbs, and the thought of working this hard for so much more weight is so scary to me. I just feel like I can't do it anymore. Not because I don't want to because I do, but I am stuck between such a rock and a hard place here. I know its unrealistic to think that I would wake up thin one morning, but I didn't think I would gain 5 lbs back while still working so hard for this goal! I know to so many this goal seems so small, but to me, being that I have been lazy my entire life, losing half of myself is a very daunting task.
Even when I was a little girl (and I mean little, I didn't get "fat" till after my first daughter was born and I went down a very steep hill of depression with the birth of my second unplanned daughter, and then my divorce) I never wanted to really "play" or "run" I was content watching cartoons, cuddling with a blanket on the couch and spending time with the adults since that was really all I ever had around me as the first child, grandchild and niece of the family. I even cried because I didn't want to walk while in Disneyland! What was, and still is wrong with me!? I miss eating whatever I want whenever I want it. Its not that my "diet" food doesn't taste good, it tastes fantastic, I just hate getting up to get something to eat and going "Man! Not a good idea!", or saying "Well if I eat that then dinner is off the menu, or no dessert or snack later!". I really hate the planning aspect of dieting, but I guess that really is the whole point of it.
This probably seemed like such a jumbled rant and to some extent it was, but I feel a little better having said it, well...typed it out loud now. BLECH this really sucks! I love the fact that my body is changing, but I can't lie, its not changing fast enough for me. I know it took me 29 years to gain it, but I wish it could take me 29 days to lose it. I don't think I have 29 years left in me if I continue on living this heavy.
I just don't know if I have the strength or willpower to do it anymore.