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People telling me I'm not Fat!

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Old 07-03-2010, 12:04 AM   #1
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Angry People telling me I'm not Fat!

This is one thing that really bothers me. The world we live in is so skewed that nobody recognizes a healthy weight/size anymore. I am so bothered when people argue with me about whether or not I am fat and whether or not I need to lose more weight. This has been happening to me for quite some time, but tonight it really has me annoyed. I got in this argument with one of my friends - he and I have had the argument many times. He decided to tell me tonight that I should listen to him because he's younger than me and since young people are more shallow about such things if he says I'm not fat then I'm not. That p*$$ed me off! I told him that I'll listen to my docs if it's all the same to him! I have a couple of friends that I have this argument with every time I see them, but I can understand because they are both very much in need of weight loss and not doing anything about it, so to admit that I (much smaller than either of them) am fat would be horrible for them. The boy though is thin, no he's not stick skinny, but he's thin. WTF? Does anyone understand this? Does anyone have any advice about what to say to these people? I have tried explaining that when I call myself fat I do not mean to insult myself or anything like that. For me it is just a descriptor, like being a woman or a brunette or married or whatever. It is a descriptor that I am currently changing, but it's still just a descriptor and sometimes I change my hair color too, so there!
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Old 07-03-2010, 01:35 AM   #2
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The people who know us can seem very odd about our weight but it is often hard for them, when they've seen us at our biggest and watched us lose a lot. Congratulations on the 78, by the way!

I say the following as another five two-er but one who'd give a lot to make it back to your 167 - you're right, you're still fat (I also use the term as a descriptor, without emotional load) and people trying to stop you are not helping.

Although Take the Praise about how good you're looking!

I had the same thing a few years ago when I lost a lot but didn't quite get down to target. I would recommend two things:
1. Tell them that your health is improving but for optimum health your doctor has advised that you lose some more. Thankyou for their interest.
2. Don't do what I did at 136 and 'Settle'. One minute I was comfortable, 6 years later I was 215.

Grit your teeth, smile and go on!

Did I say congratulations on the 78! You've done an amazing job!
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Old 07-03-2010, 01:55 AM   #3
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See, and I am the same height as both of you and look super sexy at 165ish, and also extremely healthy. I am curvy, muscular, and don't have a lot of excess flab that looks icky.

I am still overweight by maybe ten to twenty pounds at that weight, but far from fat. So body type and distribution also plays a big role in how one looks at each weight. They are mentally comparing you to a much heavier you, so for them you ARE skinny, comparably. I don't think they are trying to cut you down, they are more likely trying to compliment your hard work and express their satisfaction with how great you look. You can continue losing as much weight as you feel you need to without their blessing on it, I wouldn't look st their comments as condemnation of losing too much but rather as an affirmation of your hard work thus far.

Its all in how you look at it
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Old 07-03-2010, 08:00 AM   #4
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Quit calling yourself fat. You may MEAN it as a neutral term, but your friends--who know you pretty well--are hearing something else in your voice, some degree of self-hate that bothers them. So quit it. Say "I'd still like to lose some weight" or "I'm still working on a healthy BMI" or "I really want to be slender", but don't call yourself fat in front of your friends. It bothers them, and why would you pick a word that makes them uncomfortable?

Also, lots of boys have learned that ANYTIME a woman says anything negative about themselves, the boy is supposed to jump in and deny it. Lost of women fish for compliments in exactly this way--how is he supposed to know that you aren't one of them? He may well think you'd go home and cry if you called yourself "fat" and no one argued!

And, honestly, the opposite can be just as painful. I was at a party the other day thinking I looked pretty good--I've lost 125+ pounds, for heaven's sake--and a friend's husband, who I hadn't seen in months and months, told me I looked great and to "keep going!". I do want to lose another 25, but part if me was just like "When is enough enough for you people?" Weeks later, that remark is still bothering me.
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Old 07-03-2010, 09:01 AM   #5
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Respectfully, I would suggest that those of who are fat continue to promote an attitude that shows we're not being self-condemnatory. We need to challenge society's disgraceful attitude to fat, and I am, I am the apple to end all apples, not collude with it by accepting their negative stereotypes.

I still think it's a pity OP has to keep doing this though, although I'm quite sure her friends' comments are kindly meant.

And her 78lbs is fanbloomintastic!
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Old 07-03-2010, 09:10 AM   #6
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I have no doubt your friends are just trying to make you feel good, and probably do hear something negative in the way you say fat, or even in the word, I mean obviously that word has a lot of negative connotations to it in society. I too look at it as a descriptor most of the time, but have also used it in a self-condemning way. However it is a fact that I am fat! They probably feel duty bound to argue with you even though they know how you view the word. Perhaps you should just not try to use it in their presence since they can't handle it.
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Old 07-03-2010, 09:31 AM   #7
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guilty as charged. I have friends that are much thinner than I am, and most of them are in the normal BMI range. When they talk about their fat rolls I want to SMACK THEM UP SIDE THE HEAD. I understand, in a way, that they too are not 100% happy with their body and see things they want to change. But I'm sitting beside them wondering what they must think of me when I weigh 100 pounds more than them. How do they view my fat rolls? And maybe, the OP's friends think the same thing.

There is no "fat" BMI category - normal / overweight / obese / morbidly obese. You could say "my weight still puts me in the overweight category". Maybe that will eliminate the negative connotations about the word fat. And it does seem like a more factual description, rather than judgemental.

my two cents only. But congratulations on your 78 pounds lost! that is awesome.
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Old 07-03-2010, 11:45 AM   #8
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Shmead, I have to respectfully disagree. I should be able to use any word I want about my own body. It is not my fault if they have some distorted definition of the word. These 3 particular individuals argue with me whether or not I use the word "fat" anyhow, so it's not a word problem. What started the argument with the boy yesterday was that when he asked what I'd been doing I answered honestly and told him "exercising". His response was "why?" and it just got worse from there.


In some cases I know it is just that I look smaller to people than I have ever looked to them and so they can see that I am skinnier and for them that turns into skinny. It still annoys me, but I have explained to those people and they have mostly stopped. That's not the case with these guys though since I was already down to 175-180 when I met them. With the boy (he's 19, thin, and healthy) I at first thought it was just that he thought I thought I was unattractive. I have tried explaining that I don't think that, now I'm not really sure why he argues with me. It is going to put a strain on my friendship with these people because it is ALL THE TIME. I want to be able to be friends with them, but I don't know how to make them stop arguing with me. They know I have to lose weight for health reasons (I was diagnosed with diabetes last July). I don't bring it up with them except to answer questions. (What are you doing? Do you want these cookie? Why not? Why don't you want to go to that restaurant with us? Will this shirt fit you? What will you eat if we have a cookout? Why don't you sit down? - Those are all questions that have started the argument with them.) I just don't know what else to do.
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Old 07-03-2010, 11:51 AM   #9
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I think too, that compared to what we USED to look like, we ARE skinny now lol, it's weird but perceptions are hard to change.

No one ever believed me when i said i was over 300 lbs, even the doctor weighed me 3 or 4 times lol cuz i HID it well (ha, not THAT well, if you know what i mean) so i was always heavier than i looked -- to say i wanted to lose 50 more pounds people are like "NOOOooo you'll be anorexic!!" HA, I always smile and say "weight is deceiving, and this extra padding is comin' off. Don't worry i still weigh more than MIKE TYSON (at the time!) " hahaha DOn't get upset about stupid stuff like that -- other people don't make us fat or thin, WE DO. Just go about your business, be healthy and happy and don't engage in those conversations if it upsets you -- just be you
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Old 07-03-2010, 01:09 PM   #10
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I whole heartedly agree with Shmead, so you'll have to respectfully disagree with me too. It just shows how differently people think, I guess. I think instead of calling yourself "fat" perhaps you could say "I have fat". There's a big difference.

Plus, I have to wonder who's bringing this up all the time? Is it them, or you? It seems odd that someone is that focused on your weight all the time. My two girlfriends and I talk about weight all the time, but all three of us losing at present. The rest of the world brings it up every time we see each other, but the conversation is over after 2-3 exchanges, max. I try not to engage in weight related discussions.

Regardless, I'm so glad you're comfortable with your body as is right now, even though you're still losing the fat. I'm the same way. I've switched from "I'm fat" (whole body) to "Gee, my legs are fat" or "Ugh, my arms are fat". It's been a long time since I noticed any particular fat! LOL! (With the exception of my rear...the rear started off so enormous that anything in comparison is TINY and I'm thrilled. )
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Old 07-03-2010, 01:38 PM   #11
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You might want to say, pleasantly of course, that you are losing weight for yourself. Not your friends or for any other reason.

I think calling yourself fat is fine if you are comfortable with the term. I'm a fat rights advocate. When we reclaim words like "fat" or "queer," in my opinion, they lose the negative implications that other people have put on them.
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Old 07-03-2010, 02:39 PM   #12
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I'm like you, Fitgirly...I call it fat. It is what it is...I'm not into camouflaging things. Fat by any other name..is still the same. For those around you that cannot understand or accept, if its leading to an argument, I'd just modify terms so they can wrap their head around it & say that you just want to be out of the overweight BMI category range.

I have a male friend whose expressions you can literally see fall into a little shock when I call myself fat. I just giggle & say, "it is what it is." My fat..I own it, I burn it.
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Old 07-03-2010, 02:43 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Eliana View Post
I whole heartedly agree with Shmead, so you'll have to respectfully disagree with me too. It just shows how differently people think, I guess. I think instead of calling yourself "fat" perhaps you could say "I have fat". There's a big difference.
By that logic, tall people should say "I have height," and short people "I lack height?"

Hmmm, "lacking" seems to imply a negative judgement so maybe the latter should be replaces with "I have shortness?"

I prefer the "I am (adjective)" format: I am creative. I am intelligent. I am outgoing. I am compassionate. I am passionate. I am caring. I am loud. I am boisterous. I am funny. I am rarely quiet. I am fat - very fat.

All of my adjectives combine to make me freakishly fabulous, and being fat doesn't diminish that fabulosity in the least.


I think the crime has to be taken out of being fat. And my small contribution to that cause is to use the word fat as if it were no more or less an insult than tall, blonde, slim, slender, pale, freckled, intelligent, friendly.....

I do use it only for myself (unless I have permission to use it by someone who believes as I do), but I share that belief as often as I can.

When people tell me not to use the word because it's "mean." I say "no, it's not mean. I refuse to see or use the word as an insult. I am fat - you are tall (or whatever adjective they are)."

I explain why I use and embrace the word (and why I hate euphemisms, most especially the word "fluffy.")


and so I'll sign off as the name my father lovingly gave me and continues to use (which I edited when I came on to this site, because I didn't think people would understand)


Fat Kaplods,
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Old 07-03-2010, 02:43 PM   #14
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maybe the guy likes big women. I had a guy tell ME once "don't lose your curves!" (which almost caused me heart failure from disbelief). maybe your friend looks at different sized women differently because of that. Bottom line, it's your body. How you feel comfortable looks and healthwise is what's important.

hey, if a young, thin guy is telling you you're not fat, I say don't argue, enjoy the comments, smile and laugh, and continue doing whatever you want to do.
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Old 07-03-2010, 02:55 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kaplods View Post
By that logic, tall people should say "I have height," and short people "I lack height?"

Hmmm, "lacking" seems to imply a negative judgement so maybe the latter should be replaces with "I have shortness?"

I prefer the "I am (adjective)" format: I am creative. I am intelligent. I am outgoing. I am compassionate. I am passionate. I am caring. I am loud. I am boisterous. I am funny. I am rarely quiet. I am fat - very fat.
Perhaps it's in my education: I say "people with disabilities" not "disabled people". I say "a child with a learning disability" rather than "a learning disabled child". It's all in the way most of the world views those words in that combination, right or wrong.

In your statement "I am creative", it says a lot. It makes you what you are. Your being can be described as "creative'. To say "I am fat" to me sounds like you, your very soul, the essence of who you are...is fat. How sad. I'm just saying that's how many people take those words and it's why our friends and loved ones wince when they hear it.

"I" am not fat and frankly never have been. "I" have always been thin inside all this fat.

Just saying...
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