Yesterday was my birthday. Our practice at work is to have some treats at our weekly meeting the week of someone's birthday - mine happened to fall on the day we had our meeting this week. Last week, I told the person who organized the treats that I'd really prefer to have fresh fruit over our normal cookies, cupcakes, etc. They got a huge platter, which was sort of overkill and I feel mildly guilty because it cost at least 3 times more than the other stuff, but I can't worry too much about that part (other than to say that they could have gotten a tray half the size and it would have been more than enough).
Now mind you, there is only one co-worker who is significantly overweight and she doesn't seem to be interested in making any changes at this point. A couple of people could stand to lose a small amount but all the others are very, very slim (part of this is about where I live - Colorado has the lowest obesity rates in the country).
And pretty much everyone was commenting "you're so good!" about my wanting fruit that I could enjoy guilt-free rather than cookies, etc. which I have been routinely passing up for the past 5 months. Don't these slim people routinely make food choices to help them stay that way? Even if they have the flexibility to enjoy those treats from time to time, they would not be the size they were if they didn't eat carefully and mindfully the vast majority of the time. I think it was meant as a compliment and a way to support what I am doing, but it was kind of weird too. I mean, how good can I be if I've lost 40 lbs but still need to lose another 70???
Oh yes, I have heard that before. Always from women, never from men. [Goes into a high-pitched girly voice] "You're soooooooo good!"
That particular "compliment" makes me uncomfortable because I don't care to be raised up on a little marble pedestal, even for a minute, as a Moral Example. (Because morality is what they're bringing into the discussion, when they talk about "good" & "bad.") What if, a minute later, I eat chocolate. Am I then "soooo bad"? Just because of what I put in my mouth, on one particular occasion? Calling me "so good" makes me feel burdened with something that I have to live up to.
Stop saying "good" and "bad," even in that playful, somewhat cooing feminine voice. This is not a moral issue. Wake up, everybody. People who are thin & eat healthily are not inherently SUPERIOR to people who are fat & eat processed foods.
Sermon done. Yeah, I admit, I overthink this, but I think it's endemic in our culture & as someone who was fat & works very hard not to revert, I resent any implication that I was once morally weak & a sinner but have since been SAVED & become good & can now be smug about it.
I wonder this too! Doesn't everyone of a particularly admirable body type have to make healthy choices once in a while? How does Skinny Minnie eat exactly like I do and I got 100 lbs heavier than her? How is that possible?
Sadly, there are just some of us that have to work a bit harder at it.
And "good"? You've been so "good". You've been good to your heart and good to your health! But not in the moral sense...you know. Your 40 lbs is something to be darn proud of, never mind those remaining 70! We all have to start somewhere.
Hey - you were "good," if that's how you'd like to term it. You made a better choice in that moment, at that time and continually doing that has helped you drop 40 pounds!
Don't downplay what you have done. You can never lose 50, 60 or 70 pounds if you don't lose 40 first.
Along with genetics, I think a lot of thin people are just naturally better at portion control, so they don't need to adhere to a regimen and are free to have treats now and then. If I have sweets, its bad news, but I can have a drink now and then without needing to have another one - which is much harder for my skinny husband, so he usually abstains. From his perspective my ability to drink just one beer shows a remarkable amount of self-control, but for me its just natural, not a conscious choice. What I would give to be like that with food!!!
Oh yes, I have heard that before. Always from women, never from men. [Goes into a high-pitched girly voice] "You're soooooooo good!"
That particular "compliment" makes me uncomfortable because I don't care to be raised up on a little marble pedestal, even for a minute, as a Moral Example. (Because morality is what they're bringing into the discussion, when they talk about "good" & "bad.") What if, a minute later, I eat chocolate. Am I then "soooo bad"? Just because of what I put in my mouth, on one particular occasion? Calling me "so good" makes me feel burdened with something that I have to live up to.
Stop saying "good" and "bad," even in that playful, somewhat cooing feminine voice. This is not a moral issue. Wake up, everybody. People who are thin & eat healthily are not inherently SUPERIOR to people who are fat & eat processed foods.
Sermon done. Yeah, I admit, I overthink this, but I think it's endemic in our culture & as someone who was fat & works very hard not to revert, I resent any implication that I was once morally weak & a sinner but have since been SAVED & become good & can now be smug about it.
I have to admit that this is my gut reaction whenever I hear that. I must also add, that when my MIL says this to me I detect an undertone of criticism. As if she really wants to say, Lighten up! It's a holiday meal!
Having agreed with Saef, I will say for the most part, I greet this comment as if it were sincere praise. There is enough that people say that can be truly offensive when you're losing weight so, whenever I can give folks credit for being sincerely complimentary-- I do.
I think saef expressed what bothered me - that there is an implied judgement of good vs. bad, and that clearly, I have been "bad" in the past or I wouldn't have gained all this weight in the first place.
But interestingly, I do know from observation that aside from having treats from time to time, my coworkers are all very diligent about what they eat and how active they are. Everyone brings their lunch and it's always small portions of healthy foods. So they aren't going around eating whatever they want and never gaining weight.
I guess the big difference does come down to the treats - and I probably don't eat that much differently than they do the rest of the time but because I'm working at actively losing, I also avoid the treats (at least the majority of the time). So in a way, this is reassuring for me because my vision for maintenance is eating the way I eat right now but feeling ok about enjoying these occassional treats. I think I'll avoid calling someone "good" for choosing not to have them, though!
That particular "compliment" makes me uncomfortable because I don't care to be raised up on a little marble pedestal, even for a minute, as a Moral Example. (Because morality is what they're bringing into the discussion, when they talk about "good" & "bad.") What if, a minute later, I eat chocolate. Am I then "soooo bad"? Just because of what I put in my mouth, on one particular occasion? Calling me "so good" makes me feel burdened with something that I have to live up to.
This is pretty much exactly how I felt/feel about little comments like this... I had a BIG problem with my mother constantly saying these things to me, and my dislike for it has always stuck with me. I think that when people say things likes this, they essentially have no other intention than to emphasize the fact that you're overweight (and are trying to lose weight) and they're not. That might sound a little radical, but bear with me. I find it extremely condescending when someone says "You're sooo good!" and explicitly points out a good decision you're making--it's like they're going "Awww, look at the fat person acting like a skinny person! How *cute*!" I don't mean to sound overly defensive, but I don't see the need to draw excess attention to someone making a healthy choice. It makes that person feel like a circus freak, and like saef said, it puts all of kind of pressure on you to continue to make healthy choices or risk being "bad." The way I see it, someone who makes these comments is only trying to communicate to you (and everyone else around) that they could make the same healthy choice if they so desired, but they don't need to because unlike you, they're not fat. It almost goes along with what saef was saying: they want to make it clear that they've already been "saved" but they are happy to help convert a sinner like you. You know, I really don't think I'm being too sensitive here... Statements like this just don't strike me as mere positive reinforcement, or a reflection of their pride in you, or anything else that I could comprehend. Whether it's intentional or not, it *is* very condescending, and I wish it would stop.
The thing is, alot of slim people actually don't eat healthy. Most people who have been slim their whole lives, don't have to do anything special to stay small. I've noticed that unlike bigger people, they just stop when they're satisfied, not stuffed. You can eat whatever you want if you eat in moderation.
"You're so good!"
You know, I really don't think I'm being too sensitive here... Statements like this just don't strike me as mere positive reinforcement, or a reflection of their pride in you, or anything else that I could comprehend. Whether it's intentional or not, it *is* very condescending, and I wish it would stop.
