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HAES, Fat Acceptance, & weight loss???

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Old 04-06-2010, 10:31 AM   #1
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Default HAES, Fat Acceptance, & weight loss???

Two separate people in the past week have made what I took as snide comments to me about weight loss after something I posted in an LJ blog (these are my "real life" friends). One girl said "I believe in 'HAES' and being happy is the more important than weight loss" (I had to look up the acronym). Another girl said that while she would is happy that I lost weight she thinks I should "accept who I am". The second comment posted some web links about the fat acceptance movement.

Maybe I took the comments the wrong way, but I feel like they are trying to minimize weight loss. It almost seemed to me that my weight loss somehow criticized them.

I don't want to get into an argument with them so I sort of let the whole thing drop, but I've been thinking about it all morning now.

I don't even know where I'm going with this post other than being rambly and venting.
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Old 04-06-2010, 10:41 AM   #2
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I think it shows more of their own insecurities more than belittling your weightloss efforts. We can't stay overweight in order to make others happy any more than losing weight so we look better to others. If that makes other uncomfortable, that is their issue to deal with and work on, we must do what is best for ourselves and turn a deaf ear to the comments of others.
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Old 04-06-2010, 10:44 AM   #3
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They have issues....
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Old 04-06-2010, 10:50 AM   #4
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I am assuming these friends are overweight themselves? And if so, then yes, I do think they are minimizing your weight loss because they feel badly about their own weight. I would guess that they would prefer to weigh less but aren't prepared to put in the amount of time and effort you have have put in to accomplish what you have.

But I also argue with the premise that this is a zero sum game. The choices aren't being happy OR losing weight - there is no reason people can't do both. I'm very happy losing weight and eating healthy food and increasing my activity. Actually, I'm far, far happier than I was a year ago when I was doing none of those things.

Don't let them take your happiness and pride at your achievements away from you. You are an amazing inspiration for those of us who share your goals of being happy AND healthy and fit.
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Old 04-06-2010, 10:51 AM   #5
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They're jealous.
Pure & simple
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Old 04-06-2010, 10:55 AM   #6
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Matt, someone else had a post recently about getting comments they didn't appreciate. I told her that when you post on the internet, you are open to all kinds of comments that people wouldn't necessarily make to your face, even if you know them.

Health At Any Size is a wonderful idea, but I'm not sure that it really can apply to any size. Obesity takes a terrible toll on the body.

It's good to feel compassion for the people who said those things, because they are struggling themselves. Perhaps they are overweight and have had difficulty losing, and are feeling discouraged--and they would rather try to be happy as they are. That's OK--but they don't need to tell you what to do.

You're doing great, Matt.

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Old 04-06-2010, 11:03 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by matt_H View Post
It almost seemed to me that my weight loss somehow criticized them.

That's exactly what it did. Are you responsible for that? Of course not, but I sure do remember how that felt. Seeing someone else accomplish weightloss was an offense to my entire lifestyle. It narrowed in on the thing I was most insecure about and most afraid of accomplishing in my entire life.

What's particularly bothersome to me is the conclusion people make that, "well look at how hard you work and all the food you pass up. You MUST be absolutely miserable". It's like doing something for yourself, being the best 'you' possible is the same as not accepting yourself. There's a disconnect from reality there, KWIM?

But what you're doing is all you can really do. You've done something remarkable and no words will negate that.
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Old 04-06-2010, 11:04 AM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by matt_H View Post
Two separate people in the past week have made what I took as snide comments to me about weight loss after something I posted in an LJ blog (these are my "real life" friends). One girl said "I believe in 'HAES' and being happy is the more important than weight loss" (I had to look up the acronym). Another girl said that while she would is happy that I lost weight she thinks I should "accept who I am". The second comment posted some web links about the fat acceptance movement.

Maybe I took the comments the wrong way, but I feel like they are trying to minimize weight loss. It almost seemed to me that my weight loss somehow criticized them.

I don't want to get into an argument with them so I sort of let the whole thing drop, but I've been thinking about it all morning now.

I don't even know where I'm going with this post other than being rambly and venting.

It is so unfortunate and shocking when "real life friends" aren't as friendly as we thought. The problem is theirs and not yours. Because of the example you have set, they are faced with their own problem(s) much more close up and personal. Because of your significant and precious loss, you are now changed. Sometimes when we make huge changes in our lives, whether it is weight loss, giving up drinking or smoking, or accepting our faith as our rock, ..., it makes those friends not know how to connect with us anymore. Sometimes, because of this, we just have to move on. There will be new friends, so I hope you don't dwell on their immaturity and lack of understanding. That can sabotage you and you must guard yourself from this. You have done so well. Congratulations to you and your amazing and indescribable effort!
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Old 04-06-2010, 11:06 AM   #9
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I've had quite a few people infer (and down right TELL ME) that being thin wouldn't make me happy... that I had to learn to love myself at any size. You know what I told them? That it was LEARNING TO LOVE MYSELF that helped me make the decision to STOP ABUSING MYSELF and get healthy!!!!!!

You are doing wonderfully Matt. They ARE jealous. I've been there. I've been pushing 400 pounds. I told myself that I loved myself just the way I was.... You know what that was? An excuse to freaking eat myself to death.

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Old 04-06-2010, 11:11 AM   #10
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I think everyone needs to learn to accept themselves no matter the size. But is proven like others said that the more weight you carry the more chance you have to have problems later in life. Sometimes even now in life.

I have a feel though that these posts weren't done in the best interest of you -but more as a way for them to help themselves. Keep doing what you are doing - you know what is best for you and your health!
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Old 04-06-2010, 11:42 AM   #11
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I think they are jealous too, they see that you succeeded in your goals and maybe they haven't? In theory that happiness at any size stuff sounds good, but now that I'm getting older, trust me, you cannot be happy when real medical issues start popping up. For those who stay tremendously heavy, at some point illnesses will start to appear. High blood pressure, diabetes, heart troubles, etc. You can't "happy" your way out of those.
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Old 04-06-2010, 11:44 AM   #12
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So they're essentially saying that you are trying to *change yourself* because you don't love yourself the way you are. I HATE that way of thinking. It's SUCH bull$**$. It's EXACTLY the opposite. It's that we love ourselves ENOUGH to start taking care of ourselves.

These people clearly don't get it. You can't let it get to you. They're in a different place and have to find any reason and excuse to STAY the way that they are.

I'm sorry that you feel badly about this. But this is so much their issue and so not yours.
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Old 04-06-2010, 11:48 AM   #13
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The whole Fat Acceptance Movement is a B.S if you ask me. You can't possibly be healthy and obese or even very overweight. When I was 50lbs heavier, I had bad knees, back pain, constant headaches, insomnia and host of other health issues. And I was only 20 so I could imagine how worse my health would get from that point on. Besides, arent they being hypocrites? So they accept fat bodies but reject when the fat body gets slimmer? How is this different from Fat Phobia exactly? Arent they supposed to accept all bodies, at any weight?

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Old 04-06-2010, 11:52 AM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rockinrobin View Post
So they're essentially saying that you are trying to *change yourself* because you don't love yourself the way you are. I HATE that way of thinking. It's SUCH bull$**$. It's EXACTLY the opposite. It's that we love ourselves ENOUGH to start taking care of ourselves.
yeah, I meant to put something about this too - changing your life and your body for the better definitely doesn't come from a place of hating yourself!

Last year on the Biggest Loser, one of the contestants was looking at a picture of himself when he had first started (I think he had lost around 200 lbs at that point) and said that he could never hate that person because that was the person that made the decision to change his life and took those first steps to make it happen. I definitely feel the same way - it wasn't that I hated myself but the life I was leading wasn't making me happy either. So why should I work at accepting that and trying to make myself be happy that way when I could put that time and effort into buiding healthy eating habits and becoming more active and fit? I can be happy and love myself no matter what weight I am - but it's not like I can't do that by losing weight (again, the zero sum game thing - they are acting like the choices are either/or instead of both at the same time)
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Old 04-06-2010, 12:46 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JayEll View Post
Health At Any Size is a wonderful idea, but I'm not sure that it really can apply to any size. Obesity takes a terrible toll on the body.
Agreed.


You've done a wonderful thing for your life. I'm sure it's painful that your friends aren't celebrating your hard work. It says a lot more about them than it does about you. I never hated myself at a larger size, but I'm happier about my abilities as I get smaller.
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