I have really been thru one of the hardest times of my life over the last few months. I have struggled so much and truly should have been here begging for help but for some reason I always want to wallow alone.
I was in a horrid cycle of starve, binge, starve, binge (I would have purged if I could but for some reason making myself throw up makes me cry hysterically). I do think I am doing better.. I just decided to eat. It was NOT that easy though.
I kept on this cycle for over a year and in January decided to just not diet any more. Well my idea of dieting anyway. No more starving. I just ate. I ate alot for several weeks and gained 15 pounds in six weeks. I decided to not even think about what I was eating and just eat what I wanted when I wanted it.
It felt like such a release but I had so many things going thru my mind. I really had a hard time letting go and just not continuing the cycle with extreme dieting - no calorie counting or journaling either.. just living and eating.
I noticed last month I slowly started eating more healthy.. thinking about food as wholesome. It was strange and I instantly wanted to be a vegetarian.. but I realized for me this was another leaning toward obsessiveness.. I am so all or nothing in my thinking.
I am doing fair now. I have stopped gaining and have maintained for about 3 weeks. I am thinking about exercise.. have not moved my body in months.
I just wanted to come in and write. Just wanted to get back into the community and be involved again. I realize I need support as I move on thru this. I am feeling a bit stronger but don't really know what else to do right now. I want to learn how to just eat intuitively. That sounds simple but we all know it's truly NOT.
I am glad to be back in this community.