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Dating and Weight-ramble, sorry!

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Old 02-21-2010, 11:02 PM   #1
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Default Dating and Weight-ramble, sorry!

This is a weird thought and I hope I word it so it makes sense! So there's this guy (single) at my church and he's pretty cute and really nice. There are about 5 single girls (his age) at my church-me included. Well of course he falls for the one girl who is not interested in him at all! And of course she's beautiful and skinny. Anywho, my grandpa-bless his heart-reminded me that if I'd hurry up and lose this weight, B would probably be interested in me. At this point, the thought of someone who knew me fat, asking me out when I get skinny is absolutely reprehensible. The thought of that situation just really makes me mad for some reason. I expressed this thought to my mom quite a long time ago (she's thin, though struggles to stay that way), and she said, "yeah right. It'll be different when you actually lose the weight." My roommate who is also overweight agrees with me completely. Have any of you (guys or girls) been in a situation like this? Have you gotten to goal and had someone you knew for years all of a sudden be interested in you? Did you hook up with this person or did you say, "Why couldn't we date when I was fat? Screw you!" Now, this guy and I aren't even friends really and he's so wrapped up in this other girl that he pays no attention to anyone else, so he's just an example, but I've had other male friends that I feel like would be interested in me if I were skinny and I just can't imagine letting myself be with someone who couldn't love me the way I was before. I'm nowhere near my goal, so I don't have to worry about this yet, but it just plagues me. I think I'd constantly be afraid that I'd gain a few pounds and he'd dump me. On the other hand, if I "got skinny" and met a new guy, odds are he wouldn't have been interested in "fat me" either, it's just KNOWING it you know? I just can't stand the thought of losing all this weight and having some jerk that I've known for years come up and ask me out like I'm a different person! I know I'm all over the place, but I hope someone can understand what I'm trying to say and has some thoughts on the subject. This is something I've thought of before when I liked a guy and thought, "He'd probably like me if I were skinny. Oh well, he won't get me then! Jerk!" And when I saw Matt's post about meeting up with an old friend who hadn't seen him since he'd lost weight, I thought oh I hope this isn't one of "those situations." Matt - if you read this, I know it's none of my business, and it may not have even been like that, but I do hope (if you're single) that you find someone who loves you for you, thin or not. Not that I think you'll gain your weight back, because I don't, but I'm just sayin'. Am I being completely unrealistic? Everyone deserves to be loved just like they are. Skinny, fat, ugly, pretty. The sad thing is, looks are so important to so many people and it just sucks. I do think guys have it a bit easier because IMO, girls in general aren't as concerned with guys' weight as guys are about girls. I think most guys would date seriously ugly girls as long as they have nice bodies. I just wish I could meet someone now so I'd know he loved me for me. Even though I can't even imagine being with someone at this point. If I hug someone all I can think is, "OMG they must be absolutely disgusted by my fat." I think having a boyfriend right now would make me completely neurotic! The last time I was in a relationship ( about 100 lbs ago, seriously), when my bf would have his arms around me, all I could think of was him touching my fat. And I wasn't even fat! A little thick, but in a good way! Anywho, I better quit. Sorry for all this, it's just on my mind and hey, it didn't cost you anything but time! And it's a good thing, huh?
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Old 02-21-2010, 11:24 PM   #2
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Jewelry-

I have felt this way before.

But also consider this...

You kind of are a different person when you lose weight. For example: I was walking around campus and a lot more guys were checking me out. And then I got pissed. I was thinking its only 13 pounds... why didn't anyone check me out before. But then I remembered, I had gotten ready that morning, I was wearing fitted clothes, and walking with my head held high.(All things I didn't do at my highest weight because I didn't feel pretty). Sometimes its the confidence that makes someone attracted and not the body at all.

I understand your point, but don't let a good guy go by just because maybe you knew him in your past self.
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Old 02-21-2010, 11:32 PM   #3
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You make alot of valid points but katybug is right. You will become a different person once who get to your goal and that's ok.
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Old 02-21-2010, 11:38 PM   #4
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Thanks for posting guys. I really want to see what people have to say about this, whether they agree with me or not! I guess it's just a wait and see thing. You don't knwo until you get there.
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Old 02-22-2010, 12:11 AM   #5
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I think its all situational. If you are talking about maybe someone in high school/college and you see him later and he ask you out. Well it could be that age and maturity has changed him. You can't really fault someone for immaturity in high school/college its part of growing up.
Also people have preferences thats human nature. Not good not bad just human. Whether it be the size of a potential mate or their hair color. If someone falls in love when you are smaller then you gain weight. Chances are they still will love you. I have seen very elderly couples still in love and ya know they don't look anything like they did when you first fell in love but they still love each other.
This may be a contraversial(sp??) subject but I'm gonna say it anyway. I truly believe many of us who have allowed theirselves to become obese and/or above including myself don't love ourselves that is part of how we got this way. And the longer we stay this way not only do we not love ourselves we get to where we don't even like ourselves. So how can we expect others to do what we can't?
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Old 02-22-2010, 12:58 AM   #6
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This has been said in other threads, (see living in a fat-shelter) but it can be just as uncomfortable to be admired for the body you have, than for people to (usually in your head, but not always) be disgusted by it. There will almost always be insecurities for women who are/have been heavy, but learning to deal with them is just part of the process. It took me getting back to nearly 300 lbs. to realize I was perfectly okay at 208. I would like to get smaller than that, for health reasons, but now I know I am beautiful at any size, even this one.

Ignore the idiots, get some self-confidence (easier said than done, lol), and you will have the man of your dreams (or at least someone who isn't an a$$) before you know it.
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Old 02-22-2010, 02:21 AM   #7
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The points other posters have made are definitely valid, about being a different person when you lose weight, so that if people start to like you all of a sudden it could be about the secondary benefits of weight loss rather than the loss itself. However, I will also say that as I have grown older, one of the most shocking, disheartening things I've come to learn is how damn superficial so many men are. Of course, that's not to say that there haven't been guys who've looked past my many physical shortcomings, and fallen for my personality or mind.

I can understand why you'd be disgusted by a guy suddenly becoming interested by your lower weight, but just 1) don't let that deter your weight loss and 2) I know for a fact there are guys out there who are better than that.
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Old 02-22-2010, 10:25 AM   #8
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I get what you are saying and I think it depends on the situation. However, as a general opinion on the subject, I think it is true that you will be a different person to some extent when you lose the weight. I know I will be. Right now I don't have much for self confidence and am not big on taking chances and risks... I think a new perspective and a little self confidence will go a long way. And, yes, while they may be more physically attracted to me at a lower weight, I think that self confidence is the thing that really draws people to you.
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Old 02-22-2010, 10:59 AM   #9
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In a perfect world! That's my mom's favourite expression - in a perfect world, people would be attracted to what's on the inside only, but that's not the way the world works. I don't slam people (men) for wanting thin and pretty, why would they NOT want that? Sometimes an awesome girl can 'sneak up' on a hot guy and snag them (hellllo DH) but the reality of it is, there has to be a spark, an attraction, and if he doesn't feel it now, but feels it later, well that's just the way of the world. Does it suck? You betcha! But in the end it's your decision -- if he asks you out when you're thin, you get to decide the outcome.
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Old 02-22-2010, 02:39 PM   #10
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@jewelrymaker81 - I agree with you wholeheartedly! I have the same feelings. If I'm not good enough for you at this weight, why am I suddenly good enough for you when I'm thin? And while some aspects of me may change - I may look different, dress differently, even carry myself a bit differently - I AM the same person. I don't believe weight loss would dramatically change my personality or belief system. Maybe I'm wrong. Check back with me in a 100 lbs. But, yeah. It would bug me too.
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Old 02-22-2010, 04:07 PM   #11
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People say that all the time - love yourself and people will love you, just be confident, blah blah blah. Really? Is that really all I have to do? Act like I believe I'm thin and beautiful? I just don't buy it, but everyone says it. I dress well, I fix myself up, I pay attention to the fit of my clothes, I "carry myself" well (at least I've always been told that), I'm not high-maintenance, I'm not an airhead, I'm not clingy. What else? What can I really do to make my personality outshine my fat? I don't think it exists girls, I don't think there's a magic formula for this. Guys like thin, that's all there is to it. Where are our guys? I need a man's opinion in here! Sorry, I know this didn't start out as a I'm-so-lonely-why-doesn't-anyone-love-me rant, and it's sort of turned into one!
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Old 02-22-2010, 04:40 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jewelrymaker81 View Post
People say that all the time - love yourself and people will love you, just be confident, blah blah blah. Really? Is that really all I have to do? Act like I believe I'm thin and beautiful? I just don't buy it, but everyone says it. I dress well, I fix myself up, I pay attention to the fit of my clothes, I "carry myself" well (at least I've always been told that), I'm not high-maintenance, I'm not an airhead, I'm not clingy. What else?
I think this is the big point--you can't pretend.

And guys don't just like thin. That's simply incorrect, IMO. They want beauty--inner and outer--of all shapes, sizes, races, and with all kinds of quirks.
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Old 02-22-2010, 05:13 PM   #13
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Ditto, you can't PRETEND to be confident. I tried that for a LOONG time. You have to gain the confidence and actually be who you want to be. I have been the "friend" my entire life, asked out only a couple of times, but last summer, I took some risks, moved out of my parents house, and lost some weight. My confidence sky-rocketed, and all of a sudden, even at 200 lbs, there were three good-looking guys following me around. Just be you, that's all there is to it.
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Old 02-22-2010, 05:18 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Trazey34 View Post
In a perfect world! That's my mom's favourite expression - in a perfect world, people would be attracted to what's on the inside only, but that's not the way the world works. I don't slam people (men) for wanting thin and pretty, why would they NOT want that? Sometimes an awesome girl can 'sneak up' on a hot guy and snag them (hellllo DH) but the reality of it is, there has to be a spark, an attraction, and if he doesn't feel it now, but feels it later, well that's just the way of the world. Does it suck? You betcha! But in the end it's your decision -- if he asks you out when you're thin, you get to decide the outcome.
Ditto!

Plus, I just have to add..unless you have a friendship that grows into something more, there has to be some initial physical attraction between a man and a woman. Most men aren't attracted to heavier women. Heck,to be fair, I wouldn't list heaviness as one of my top physical characteristics that I looked for in a man when I was single.

Some of us heavier women get overlooked when we have a lot to offer. I didn't find my Mr.Right until I was 27. Is it fair to be judged for our weight? No. Not really. But, it is the way it is.
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Old 02-22-2010, 07:50 PM   #15
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Just something to chew on: Ive had people I've known for years "suddenly" express an interest in me and in one case my weight was higher than when I first met the person. Sometimes it just takes some getting to know someone before expressing interest. Now there is one scenario where I could see myself getting mad and that would be if a person made it clear that they weren't interested (e.g. You express an interest and they turn you down) then at a lower weight they act interested. It could be coincidental but I'd be suspicious.
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