I'm just feeling like I need to get his off my chest so I guess it's more of a rant than anything.
Sometimes I have no idea how I make it through life. I made an unwise decision 3 ½ years ago to date a younger man, he convinced me to get married, we had a child who is absolutely amazing. I started to realize things were not right, my ex was lying all the time, starting using drugs, so I divorced him after only a year of marriage. Sadly I took him back shortly after that, the distrust and lies continued. I blinded myself into thinking things were getting better and he was being responsible. He can’t keep a job, and finally I decided to let him just be an at home dad so I could work the hours I needed to. I feared all the time he wasn’t taking proper care of my daughter. She was fine when I come home, but there were mornings I would call and call and he would not answer. Thanks to a big part of him I was later pushed in to bankruptcy because of a vehicle he talked me into buying and I got screwed on and took it back the next day. Of course they still felt I had to pay for it and started to garnish my wages $400 each check, which I could not afford. Filed for Bankruptcy and gave up my home and moved to the family farm. My mom could help with Beonca and I could give my ex more responsibility for the farm so he could feel like he was working. He failed. Horses would have no water, grain wouldn’t get put away. Everything was half-assed. He was supposed to take care of our daughter in the mornings and come to find my worst fears were realized. My mom had to get my daughter several times because he was NOT waking up. I have no idea how long this has been going on, but thankful that my mother was there to help. I still kept making excuses for him. Then he kept staying up late at night and not being responsible about his duties and I lost it. I finally kicked him out for GOOD in early November last year. He has guilted me into paying for his phone, paying his car insurance, giving him money for food, gas, and paying his rent. I gave him another opportunity one day to come and take care of our daughter. I leave for work at 5, and again I call and call and no answer. I call my mom. She hears my daughter up but not him. He went to sleep after he got there and again did not wake up with her. That was it for me. I was paying for his rent to a place he asked me to get him into to, and I found out he wasn’t even staying there. After that I ended paying him anything. I finally cut his phone off yesterday and another phone he had for his mom. I told him to change address on his insurance I was no longer paying it. I know I’m going to get a call next time it’s due. But I’m so tired of trying to help him. His mother said I was a bad wife and he needed a wife not a mother. I would have been happy to be just a wife, if I didn’t have to stay after him to do right all the dang time. He never contributed to any bills, he’s never paid child support, he blows off his visits, which now can only happen at the farm due to him not having a stable place to live. I had allowed him a couple overnight visits but I had supply ever bit of food, diapers, wipes, sippy cups, and give him money to buy her milk and juices. I found out from the people he was stayed with when he had her that he put her in a room in a play pen and let her cry herself to sleep. He wouldn’t do anything to purposely hurt our daughter, but he’s just so irresponsible and selfish. We grew up in very different groups, I come from middle income family and he comes from lower income family. He grew up in a rough area where drugs and dealing was normal activities. He ended up serving time. He claimed he moved to TN to better himself, but I fear he will always stick to what he knows. I’m all for someone bettering themselves as I believed he could especially with how young he is, but now I’m not so sure. He’s not dealing or anything, but I know he’s getting high from time to time. His class of friends are mostly people who have no jobs, live off the system or other people. But due to the fact he has no stable home environment I’m terrified about what will happen if I should die. I don’t want my child to grow up that way. I have a meeting with a lawyer to find out what my options are so that my family could fight for full custody should something ever happen to me. My family can afford to support her and since they can I don’t see why she should have to live his life when she can live a more secure one. I’m terribly mean to him now, I tell him horrible things, and I’ve never been a person like that before. He has changed me to for the worst and I hate it. I’m terrified of what this experience has done to my used to be okay personality. I feel so guilty for talking to him the way I do, but if I’m even remotely nice he uses that as an in to talk me out of more money and I’m sooooo done with it. I want to say so bad I regret every meeting him, but I love my daughter so much. Without him I wouldn’t have her, but I still wish she had a different daddy. She turned 2 in September and everything I do is for her.
My day is so busy, but yet drama follows me all day long. I get up at 4:00 am to feed the pregnant horse and turn her out, I take care of another horse with an injury that is stuck in a stall, I then go over to the other barn on the other side of the farm to feed the old rescue pony and his buddy, I then feed the goats, and then my daughters pig, then I have to get in the house and get dressed and ready to leave for work by 5:00 am. I check to make sure my mom has the monitor on and head out the door. I have an hour drive to work where I’m left with my thoughts of all the crap I have to deal with regarding my ex. I get to work by 6:00 am I work til 4:30 pm and head home the same hour trip. I arrive home and take over the care of my daughter. I run what errands need to be run, I spend what little time I can with my daughter and try to get on face book if she decides she wants to watch TV (Monday’s I try to watch House), then at 9 I put her to bed, then I have to head back out to the barn and check on the pregnant horse and put her up for the night, and give the other horse some hay. I also take pictures of the pregnant horse’s progress to try to pin point when she will foal. I then have to get my daughters stuff ready for school, and figure out what I’m going to wear the next morning so I don’t have to think when I get up. I turn on the horse monitor and climb into bed about 10/1030 and get up to do it all again the next day. Weekends are not much better. I may not work, but I have to run get straw, shavings, feed, clean stalls, move hay between barns, help with afternoon feeding of main herd of horses, etc. When I say I have no time to do a regular workout routine this is why. I just can’t add one more thing to my schedule right now. It’s taking every bit of my efforts just to eat better and not fall back on old patterns. I have no idea what my motivation is for eating better, other than I hate being fat, but I have gotten used to it. I can’t believe I’m still going. I was not always fat, I was thin until I was 25, and then weight started to pack on. I miss being 130lbs. **** I miss being 160lb. I used to get so upset about being 160 and now I’d kill for 160.
So anyway… TMI on me, but just thought I would get it off my chest and maybe help some to understand why I get so negative and get down and get lost sometimes. I do want to lose the weight, but I’m fighting an uphill battle right now with life as well as trying to do the right thing.