Jenniffer - I have no doubt that your hair looks fantastic! I can hardly wait for you to put up a new pic. I'll bet you look very trendy and 'New York'.
Jenniffer...I have also been wrestling with the idea of getting my hair cut. It's to my waist and can be a real pain in the butt. It gets rolled up in the car window constantly, and hubby rolls over on it just about every night. I'm too chicken to get it cut way short, though.
Post a picture of your new haircut when you can. I'd love to see it!
Oh, boy, what a thread! I have told PNG in the past that I'm horrendous at self-analysis! I sympathize with everyone who is having d(?)h problems. I'm not, nor ever have been, (and may never be) married. Maybe because MOST of my girlfriend's husbands flirt with me! They have made passes over and over! I HATE IT!...and I love it! Married men are pigs (for the most part) in my estimation. But, you know what? My last two 'flings' have been with married men! (NOT husbands of my friends, I promise you!) I love the attention of men, also...who doesn't, right? But I think that at the same time that I'm wondering why single men don't pay me any attention, that I'm throwing up a brick wall 100 feet tall around myself to 'protect' myself from them!!! What's THAT about??? But then, when married men come on to me, how can I trust any of the single to be faithful?
As for why I'm doing this...I don't know! I know that in December, after over a year of total all out food orgy (I absolutely let myself eat ANYthing and as much of it as I wanted), I was SOOO uncomfortable that I couldn't STAND myself!...AND it didn't make me happy! I knew I could do this because it was only a year before my affair with food, that I had lost 52 lbs! But, during the foodfest, I gained 82 lbs!!! So, on Jan 1, I rededicated myself to this most difficult journey!
I ALREADY feel better, look better, and shall continue to do so! I REALLY like the outside validation, too. My mom and friends are very supportive...I'm blessed in that way. Mom WILL sabatoge me, though, if I let her. But, when I'm sticking to my guns, she'll cook the way I need her to. (We live in the same bldg, and eat breakfast together daily and dinner together most nights...she does most of the cooking...bless her heart!) But, I like the unsolicited compliments too.
I'd LOVE for a man to ask me out on a date...this has never happened. I've BEEN on things I've considered dates, but not because someone specifically asked me.
I'm not sure if this is cohesive or makes any sense to anyone, but like some others have said, I'm just rambling!
Well, I just got summoned to an IM by a man...MARRIED, of course, so I'll go and talk to him for a while...oh, and then there's the phone call I got just before I began this babbling, from another married man who wants to see me tomorrow morning for a tryst!!! Typical! NO to both...I'm going to start to respect ME!...for a change....
(I can't wait to see your new hair either, Jennifer. I agree...I'll bet you look totally urbane!! Good for you. I'm actually happy with my hair these days...shoulder length page boy...looks GREAT from under hats!...my newest love.)
I KNOW...LET'S DO IT FOR US!!!! What a concept, eh?
Gayle that was very powerful. I makes us see the other side! and I too have been asked on a date about 3 times in my life! so do not feel bad. I know that if I did not make the moves on my DH I would still be single.
I'm going to revisit this post and read the entire thread when I have a moment but I want to quickly say OH how I can relate!!
One of the things I do that helps me is this! I keep a written list of every single compliment I get, who it was from, the date and my weight at that time.
When I'm feeling really down I'll drag it out and I'm telling you it helps. When I recall that Sharon told me "you look fabulous!" 7 pounds ago it makes me think "Well... I'm Fabulous minus 7 MORE pounds now!!" It's a real pick me up.
I want to address some of the other issues as well but I'm afraid it will have to be later.
Gosh Beth Ann when I read your "Facts" and "Illusions" it really hits home. I think all of us are guilty in some way of creating "weight loss fantasies".
My current WL Fantasy involves my husband's best friend, who, in a very offhanded way, made a comment about my weight when we saw them in January. His translated comment was that "wouldn't it be a thrill if my husband could see HIS (thin) wife naked" which can only mean "because all he gets to see is his (fat) wife".
At the time we saw them, I had already lost 15 pounds, and have lost 20 more since then but I've made my husband promise not to tell our friends about my loss (We don't see them often, maybe once or twice per year).
Now of course, my fantasy is that when we see them again, I'll have lost so much weight that my husband's friend will be awestruck and regret that comment he made. The truth of the matter is, I doubt he'd comment even if he did notice and he probably forgot the comment he made 7 seconds after he said it. Still ... in my mind, it feels fresh.
One of my very best friends recently gave me some ammunition about making these fantasies in one simple phrase...
Skinny is as skinny does.
That's right... life your life right now as if you WERE skinny. Don't wait to BE skinny to feel good about yourself. Feel good right now. Ask that husband to get off the couch and give you that hug right now and if you really think your marriage needs it, talk about some marriage counseling.
Think about it like this - If situation "x" upsets you and your weight prevents you from making an appropriate reaction, then you are only compounding the problem. Getting thinner will not change the problems in our lifes. On the other hand, taking care of the problems in our lives may help us to get thinner by EMPOWERING us and making us realize that we are not just a number on the scale.
Okay... I didn't finish reading the thread yet but I just had to get that soap box out for a moment.
Sorry to add this LOL but I did want to say that I am blessed to have a husband who truely loves me no matter my weight. He really accepts me as I am and for that I am so thankful.
With that said, he's also not the most affectionate man in the world and I just think that part of it is a "man thing" and that what men are is what men are!!
I am on my "I hate men" kick. They are selfish and self-centered. If it's not about them, then it's not about anything. They had mothers that took care of their needs when they were young, and they need wives that do the same. So why do we need validation from them???
It's nice to have compliments from them...didn't they give them to us in the early part of our relationship? But we forget that even then, it was all about them and what they wanted. What was their ultimate goal in the beginning...? Something to think about.
I live in a very sheltered environment. Other than my neighbor ( a man) who comes to visit my honey and me a few times a week, I see noone unless I go to the store. I get very little validation, and having read through this thread, I realize that I don't really care any more like I once used to.
I am becoming more self-centered all the time, and this is not something about which I am very proud. In my heart, my relationship is over, and I don't care; yet, at the same time I'm not totally ready to let it go. It once was very good.
When I started this weight loss journey, I thought that I wanted the validation. When I'd lost 48 pounds, I visited with family and friends who never made mention of the fact that I had lost the weight. At first I was hurt, and then thought "if they comment that I'd lost so much weight, they would be admitting to me that they thought I was too fat". It's like a catch 22.
I've always been overweight. My mother put me on a diet when I was just 6 years old. It made me think I was fat and ugly. Even after I had lost the weight, because the damage was already done, my thinking was that I was still fat and ugly, so what difference did it make?
I have about thirty more pounds to lose. And you know what? It won't make any difference to anyone but me. Sure, others will see the thin person hiding behind this fat suit and maybe validate my weight loss, but what happens a month or so later when I am still at my weight goal? What validation will there be? What excuse will I give for not being happy in my life? I will still see myself as fat and ugly (I've been there before)...and it just won't matter. My relationship, if we're still together, won't be fixed because I weigh less, and I will still think that MEN ARE PIGS!!!
So why do I want to lose my weight? Because it isn't about what anyone thinks about me, or the need for validation. It's because I have made a goal for myself, and about myself. I want to buy the normal, girlie looking clothes. More often than not, they're much cheaper than those for women hiding in a "fat suit"...and they are more feminie looking...not boring and invisible like the clothes I have had to wear.
I am going to forget others and their perception of me. I know that I must look good at my goal weight because of the "validation" that I used to get. But it won't matter any more, because it's about reaching a goal I set for myself, and it's about the next goal I set for myself, and it's about doing this for me...the very self-centered girl that I have become.
All I can say again is....wow. Let's keep this thread going and going..
Paula..Though I sensed a bit of anger in your post, I think you really hit some good points in your post. It won't matter 3 months after you hit goal, it won't make everything better in life. We all need to accept that. I am still working on that fantacy.
Before this thread gets much further I must get on my soapbox and say:
ASIDE FROM MY SEX LIFE, I HAVE THE BEST MARRAIGE!!!
And marraige is NOT only about sex and compliments.
My husband is WONDERFUL to me in MANY other ways.
My husband has also been told by his mother more times than I can count that "he has no balls".
My husband also has lost his job, lost respect for himself, and many other things over the last few years.
I think If I'm REALISTIC, I will see that there are MANY things that have impacted our sex life, NOT JUST MY WEIGHT!!!
My husband DOES love me, and is REALLY supportive of me. and he IS trying.
Sometimes you face the question... Is Sex really worth losing my best friend in the whole world?? And I say a resounding NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!
If I want to have sex, I go after him, and he has not once turned me down in the last six months. So I just need to be the initiator.
I truly do have a WONDERFUL husband. There are just some things he doesn't get because he's a GUY! But not one of those things would ever ever make me want to give him up.
Lee WOW!! You are soo right!! after the weight is lost in a month what do we expect! I need to chew on this for a while and get a feel for the idea!! Thanks
Beth Anne I wish that I was not turned down when I initiatated thing but I have on a regular basis. so sex is not a motivator for me. I agree is sex worth throwing away a relationship?? NO! If need be there are other things that can be done. but it is the companionship and support (ha) that ties me tohim. but I know that the validation will not come from him. he said it once and that isall i will get. so that is it. I need to ask for any more like you with the sex.
Itoo am becoming more self centered and you know what?? It feel good!
This is a very thought provoking thread. I realized after reading these posts that I also suffer from the "I'll show them" mentality.
I imagine seeing people after I'm at goal weight. All of a sudden these people who seemed to always look past me will suddenly be interested in me as a person. They'll actually talk TO me as a person and not AT me as a fat person. I'll be nice, but it'll go no further than that. They'll realize what a wonderful opportunity they've missed out on by having me as a friend. They'll wonder why I don't go past polite pleasantries with them.
Wow--how's that for immature???
Seriously, though--there are people that I feel would be friendlier to me if I weren't so overweight. I'm actually a pretty outgoing, friendly person. Sometimes I make overtures at friendship and blame it on my weight if someone doesn't seem interested in getting to know me.
I don't know if my weight always has something to do with it, but it's pretty obvious I can't talk to them about clothes shopping or training for a marathon.
Yet there's lots of other things we could have in common. When I meet someone, I try to find out things about them: where they're from, their families, jobs, etc. Often the thin men/women don't reciprocate the interest. It's no just shy folks either. I've seen the same people be all bubbly and friendly to normal weight people.
It seems that when I wore a size 10/12, people showed more interest in getting to know me.
Does this happen to anyone else or am I just extra sensitive in assuming their lack of interest in me as a person is based on my weight?
BethAnne...soul sisters, baby! You and I have obviously been doing a lot of the same thinking since I posted this thread because I, too, have remembered all the wonderful things about my husband.
He's a good provider and takes care of us.
He's a great dad to his children - even the teenaged daughter who completely perplexes him sometimes!
He's stuck with us through rough times and even when he was obviously unhappy.
He has always given me the freedom to pursue my goals. An aside...Some of you may know I changed my major in college SEVEN times. Major #6 was forensic science, and I had my heart set on it. Unfortunately, my brain couldn't decipher organic chemistry, or inorganic chemistry, and it was having a **** of a fight with genetics, too. I knew in my heart that I needed to do what I was good at - English - but was actually scared to tell hubby. When I told him (crying the whole time ), he said, "Are you miserable?" Of course the answer was yes...and crushed that forensic science wouldn't be in the cards for me....and worried that everyone would think that English was a "wimpy" or "useless" degree.) He just looked at me and said, "It's not about what's gonna make us a lot of money, it's about what you love to do. And who cares what anyone else thinks about an English degree? F*** 'em!
I also need to remember that he's had a big life change in the past year. He's gone from being a military man to being a civilian, after 20 years (literally his entire adult life) in the Navy. He's floundering a little...trying to find his way...he earned his college degree in December of 2001 and it's not opening the doors he thought it would.
Like you said, Beth Anne....he loves me - it's just that he's a MAN
And Paula...Thank you for pointing out the Catch-22 of the situation....I never looked at it that way, and now it's starting to make sense.
You and I have obviously been doing a lot of the same thinking since I posted this thread because I, too, have remembered all the wonderful things about my husband.
), he said, "Are you miserable?" Of course the answer was yes...and crushed that forensic science wouldn't be in the cards for me....and worried that everyone would think that English was a "wimpy" or "useless" degree.) He just looked at me and said, "It's not about what's gonna make us a lot of money, it's about what you love to do. And who cares what anyone else thinks about an English degree? F*** 'em! 