I love my best friend to death, but i never realized how much of our 'hanging out' is centered around food until now. I knew it was a problem, but not this bad:
She got excited about her mom letting her use the card to order pizza, and of course asked me to join her in the feast. When i told her that id love to hang but I didn't really want pizza (a lie, but im trying to convince myself, haha) I hoped shed be supportive, but no; she goes and makes sad faces and whines, making me feel like crap.
She's kinda chubby so I think she doesn't like the way she looks, but isn't willing to give up the food she likes, therefore she convinces me and her other friends to eat it with her so she doesn't feel so bad about it.
I don't know what to say. I don't want to keep our friendship centered around food.
I don't know what to say. I don't want to keep our friendship centered around food.
I have had this happen before...What worked for me was to do an activity before we ate like walking, going to the gym, particpating in an exercise class, go out dancing, window shopping, so the focus wouldn't be on the food. You can even volunteer in some project together for X cause/ organization and you are still spending quality time together. Good luck with this!
Well my friends are all skinny and my mom said I had to stop hanging out with skinny B****es because they make you fatter... I know exactly how you feel...everyone wants to eat out and its the center of how everyone seems to hang out these days. I avoid dinner and lunch outings as much as possible because I am working on me... I have been called crazy for the focus I have had towards my diet and exercise however it takes dedication and committment...and sometimes you can go off plan for a meal here and there and it wont kill you however for me I notice that it does more harm to me in the long run... like today I ate really bad and I kept eating bad because I had the excuse that I already messed today up.... Stupid when you really think about it.
State ur case, tell her that u would rather do an activity than center around food if she really is your friend she WILL understand. I have a friend exactly like that. Yet, I make it a point to let her know how proud I am of myself for making wiser decisions, running, biking...whatever it is that day and she soon follows suit. The last few times we have eaten out I get the same baked sweet potato(with cinnamon, a shake of salt and one pack of splend) and a salad. So, the first time she got a philly cheese steak and fries(that she would usually inhale) and I began to talk about what I had been up to and she ate only half of the philly and a few fries and didn't even take it home. Then, a grilled chicken sandwich and sweet potato the next and then just Friday she had a grilled chicken salad!!!!!! I never noticed out loud but I did notice. So, maybe if ur very vocal about ur changes u can also change her a little!!!
Same thing happened to me--sabotage...when I first began I was down about 20 pounds and a "frienemy" brought a HUGE frosted cookie from the grocery store to my house. She had never done anything like that before. Keep in mind I have two small kids. Can you imagine the issues that would have caused if my kids had seen it. I met her on the walk and said, "you are welcome here but THAT has to be left in the car." She acted all pissy and stormed off and drove away.
Another episode--different friend asked me to go lunch. I ordered my salad with cheese on the side, no dressing. I pulled a bottle of salad spritzer from my purse. I could tell it made her very uncomfortable as she sat there eating her cream soup and breadsticks. We had been eating lunch together for years. Believe me when I tell you that she hasn't asked me to lunch again in ONE YEAR this month!
Last edited by Thighs Be Gone : 10-04-2009 at 01:09 AM.
Thanks for the support. I definitely think that ill voice myself next time. i know that deep down she wants to eat healthier, so maybe i could end up helping both of us .
HaleyisLove: i do the "did bad, might as well keep doing bad" thing also! its seriously a ridiculous mind set. for sure something to work on.
BTW- We did end up getting pizza, but I'm extremely proud of myself. I ate two pieces of jalapeno and pineapple and had one breadstick. i know that doesn't sound too awesome, but considering that i used to eat 4 pieces of pizza and 3 breadsticks, I'm pretty happy ( I also didn't even go over my calories for the day). It definitely helps that i put the excess in a zip lock before i could even think about eating it.
in the past 6 or so months I've been hanging with some pretty skinny girls and I've noticed NONE of our social activities revolve around food! We go to art galleries, movies, salsa dancing, roller skating. With my heavier friends all we do is go out to eat, have dinner parties go to the club and then have drunk food binges at the end of the night.
Anyways the point of my post is try to plan fun actvities that have nothing to do with food. It doesnt sound like your friend is willing to do this, so you will have to take the initiative.
There is a balance here, just in my humble opinion. We must be willing to be responsible for our choices. We can't put that on other people. We must be willing to communicate with our friends and loved ones so that they understand we're not asking them to change but we must. Just saying 'I can't eat like that anymore' should be enough for a true friend to understand. Let her have her pizza and you make a wise choice to either do as you did and eat in moderation or pay/bring for your own healthier choice of food.
In my experience, when we make it all about us, people are far more supportive. Of course there might be a 'frienemy' and that should never be tolerated. And people who can't be supportive because they feel convicted by our healthy choices will drop by the wayside. What will be left are those that are willing to let us do what we need to do.
I have said this many times but it bears repeating in my mind . When we make it about our health (and I quote my doctor) NOBODY argues with me. Who wants to go against a doctor's advice??? My loved ones and friends don't want to kill me, they love me! Works every time!!!
Your best friend should hang out with my best friend. I've tried every which way to change our relationship to stop centering around food, suggesting walks, ice skating, wandering around the mall...whatever. She won't budge and we always end up on her sofa with some sort of junk food.
I'm not saying this to be mean to my friend but to warn you that sometimes, people aren't ready for a change. My friend isn't; no matter how much she says she is, her actions speak louder. So you have to protect yourself. I always eat something healthy before I see my BFF, i bring water and something healthy to snack on. I try to leave before a meal or center our time together to avoid eating with her. Or I go to a grocery store and get myself something for dinner and let her eat In-n-Out, while I have salad. Sometimes, its really hard but it is worth it. If she pushes back too hard, just protect yourself.
In my experience, people establish a relationship with you and see you in certain contexts. When we change the boundaries that define us as the person they knew, they often have trouble adjusting. In my case, I've always been the fat sister/daughter/friend and I've now taken the steps needed to make myself healthy, for me. Many have trouble dealing with it. It's only through repeatedly showing them that who I was, at least in regards to food, has changed. Some people chose to be a part of who I am now, and thats great. Some, jusst couldnt see past who I was, and thats ok too. I do however, accept responsibility for what I put into my mouth and ultimately, those calories are mine to control, noone elses, so, if you ate the pizza because you wanted to, and accounted for it fantastic, but if you did it because you were guilted into it, in order to not hurt someones feelings, you may want to help her redefine how she thinks of you.
I'm worried about situations like this arising in my life soon as well!
I've been living out of the country for almost a year, and will soon be headed home (yay! At last!). Talking to my childhood best friend, though, I'm getting concerned that our reunion will be very 'food-centric'! In her last email, she basically detailed how we were going to eat at all of our favourite hometown restaurants, and drink in our neighbourhood bar... ALL IN ONE DAY! lol! (This is in no way our regular routine - I think she's just really excited about us being in the same place at the same time!)
Luckily, I know all the 'good' things to eat and drink at these places, so I'm not worried about that, and I'm really looking forward to the reunion, but the timing is really inconvenient! It's like.. 'hey! I'm home, and look how good I look!! Sweet potato fries? Um... no thanks!"
Like a few of our other chickies have pointed out, you just have to be responsible for yourself and your choices, and I think you did a great job of managing the situation! Kudos!
I just wanted to say thank you again . i know ill be ready next time.
You're all right, i really need to take responsibility. i am such a 'people pleaser' that over the years ive totally stopped taking responsibility for myself. If i want to make a change i have to suck it up and step out of my comfort zone, even if im scared.
funnycanadiangirl: oOo! fun stuff! good luck, i know youll have a great time and at the end of it still be able to be happy with yourself .
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