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How can I change the REST of my life?

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Old 09-27-2009, 12:33 AM   #1
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Default How can I change the REST of my life?

I need practical advice, too. Something to read, something to do, I need somehow to believe that change is possible. How?

If you were one of the ten souls who read the longer version and didn't know what to say--I apologise. The original post was far too whiney--even for me!

well, I'm a bit of a bsaket case tonight--I added the original post back in below.
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Old 09-27-2009, 01:11 AM   #2
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I can relate to the lonely thing, not that I had a lot of friends in BC, but since we moved to Manitoba I know even less people.. I have been learning to enjoy my time alone, going for walks, teaching myself new things. Anyways, making friends is hard, and I haven't fully figured that out myself..

I was feeling pretty down last year, and got really stuck about how I don't do anything fun in my life. I was telling this to my mom who then made me make a list of what is fun for me. Taking a bath, talking to my grandma, those were some things on my list. It made me take a real close look at how much fun I DO have in my life, instead of focusing on how boring/pathetic/lonely/unhappy I thought I was. So, what makes you happy? Dreaming of going to the Caribbean? What can you do to make it happen?

I'm not too sure if this was at all helpful..

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Old 09-27-2009, 01:21 AM   #3
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I think the first thing is to figure out what you want to change about your life. Is it just to have friends? Do you want to spend more time outside your home? Do you want to be more involved in your community? Do you want to make changes to your marriage? What do you think might make you a happier person?

Figure out what you want, then you can come up with a plan to change it! As for making new friends, I hear you - when you aren't thrown into situations with the same people day to day, like school or an office, it's difficult to make connections. I think you may need to be more persistent with your church friends. Ask someone out for coffee or lunch, get the kids together to play and hang out with the other mom, etc.

I think it's great that you want to make your life more fulfilling. Finding the desire to make a change is a huge step!
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Old 09-27-2009, 01:22 AM   #4
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I don't even know where to begin...

First of all, here's the sympathy

Moving on...

You are completely right...losing the weight is not the magic bullet that will somehow solve all of your problems. It'll make you feel better about YOURSELF, so it is its own reward in that respect.

What I'm getting from your post is just what you said yourself...you're bored and (like me) really have no friends. You wonder if your are depressed...I'm not qualified to discuss that one way or the other, but perhaps someone else IS and will jump in.

It sounds to me that almost ALL of your energies are focused on your home and family...you're a SAHM, home school the kids, take care of the house, and take care of the hubby. What about trying to carve out some time JUST for you? I'm not talking about your dieting, but some quality "me" time?

Me? I'm a hobby junkie...you name it and I've either done it, have the supplies/materials and just haven't got to it yet, or it's next on my list. I also play guitar every day for no one other than myself...it soothes my spirit.

As for the lack of friends, when you figure that one out, please let me know! I often joke that I MUST have a big ol' 666 or something stamped on my forehead that ONLY others can see (that's my story and I'm stickin' to it!).

Keep your chin up, hon...we're here for you!

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Old 09-27-2009, 01:24 AM   #5
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Thank you swimgirl!! You were responding while I was getting cold feet about my post.

I really have nothing to be unhappy about or dissatisfied with. I sometimes think that if my life were perfect, I'd be one of those still unhappy because I'd have nothing to complain about! And no, I'm not proud of it. So, thanks.

What is fun for me?

Watching movies.
Walking in weather. (A wind, a snowstorm, anything dramatic gets my blood zinging.)
Going really, really fast--I'm an adrenaline junkie--which might explain a really bad temper.
Reading.
Talking to people--though pretty much everyone I "talk" to is on the internet!
Baking, trying new recipes.
researching just about anything.
Planning. I love to plan--wardrobes, interiors, gardens, living rooms, menus, but execution? Well, let's just say I'm not the most patient person in the world.

I want to go to Venice again before I die.
That's all.
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Old 09-27-2009, 01:31 AM   #6
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oh migoodeness.

I am so sorry I misjudged you all--or whatever I did to remove my initial post. I guess there was a voice in my head that said, "stop complaining!" And "Don't tell anyone your feelings. No one cares. You don't matter that much."

And here are three lovely heartfelt caring responses--and NOW I feel like I've spit in your faces. So, I'm going to add the content again. (I saved it as part of my journaling.)

************************************
Here it was:

Maybe it's because I'm 45.
Maybe it's because I'm realizing that losing weight and getting a better body will NOT be a magic bullet: it will change my body and my eating and physical exercise habits--but it won't change my kids, my hubby, where I live, my life.

It won't pay off our debt, it won't suddenly allow us to travel further than a five hour drive away, it won't pay for a trip to the Carribean, or even for a fancy dinner at a great restaurant in town.

It won't give me something else to do other than cook, clean, decorate and home educate out kids, it won't cure me of being a bad housekeeper, it won't, in short do anything about the rest of my life.

So, how do I do that?

I'm bored. I'm lonely*. I may be slightly depressed. And everything is just such a struggle at the moment.

Sympathy always appreciated, but I need practical advice, too. Something to read, something to do, I need somehow to believe that change is possible. How?


****************
*about lonely--I have tried reaching out to other women at my Church through Women's Bible studies, but no one has time--truly--everyone is just running to maintain the relationships they already have--there's no room at this stage in most people's lives to make a new friend. So, I have none.
****************

Oh--and I've been fighting head hunger with some success and some failures this whole week. I made a big pot of vegetable soup to "pig out on" but I'm so full right now--yet I want cheesecake! You know the drill. It's just nonsense.

Should I go pedal the stationary bicycle? Use my Sansone video I got out of the library (and which has to go back tomorrow even though I haven't used it ONCE in the two weeks I've had it.) Is the "alertness" I'm going to feel after the workout and which will keep me up for a few hours (it's 10:30 pm right now)--should I do it anyway?

And if I take care of tonight--I still haven't figured out what to do about the REST of it all.

Sorry this is so loooooong!
*******************************************

Really, all I've been thinking about lately is writing a book, making a million bucks and then living out the rest of my life travelling!

PPS: I went and pedalled the stationary bike for 20 minutes--which I should have done hours ago!
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Old 09-27-2009, 01:38 AM   #7
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CC--thank you! You have been so kind to me--ever since my first post. I think of you as a friend.

Quote:
Finding the desire to make a change is a huge step!
Is it? I suppose it is. I remeber when hubby and I were going through a rough time I was praying he'd want to change things. So, yeah, that WAS huge.

And I regret I didn't join the Bible study happening this time around. I was discouraged--and I'm afraid it may be too late. They've already met twice. What do you think--should I find out?
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Old 09-27-2009, 01:43 AM   #8
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Sherry--I know it looks as if I spend all my time with the house, hubby and kids--but the reality is is that I've been letting things "go" for the past couple of weeks--I do this in cycles. It is part of what needs changing. I've been sleeping late, getting up late--the kids are old enough to fend for themselves--actually, it's kind of embarrassing how much I've neglected them this past week.

I grew up an only child. I have vast resources for entertaining myself. Only lately have I been finding my own company really boring!
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Old 09-27-2009, 01:43 AM   #9
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This will be long because I'm always long but I'll try to make it as short as I can:
First of all it's ok to feel this way. Everyone has these periods of... maybe despair is to strong a word... ok lets say stagnation where it's like what is the meaning of my life, how did I come to this point, this is not how I thought I would be.

It is true that the weightloss will not solve all your life problems. Yes it will improve your health and possibly your self-esteem, but no, it won't fix all the other things going on and it won't unfortunately make your life perfect. However, I've never met anyone whose life is perfect. The best we can do is take each day as it comes and live each day as it comes and try to solve our problems one by one. Ok so now you're on track with weightloss, maybe the Caribbean isn't possible now, but who knows? Maybe you can set that as a long term goal if you want and start putting money away towards that. Maybe say: "for my 50th birthday, I'm going on a Caribbean cruise" or something and seriously investigate that and make that a priority. Same with the fancy dinner (or you could do a fancy candlelit one at home with a fancy healthy menu just to switch things up). Ok my independent life is just beginning and right now I'm responsible only for myself but one thing I know is that we always find money for frivolous small things (like a "cheap" fast-food lunch or a new purse or a pair of shoes) that we could actually save and get something really cool. Maybe I'm being naive, but that's what I've noticed.

About bored and lonely, it sounds like perhaps you're stuck in a rut and you may feel that you are losing yourself (identity-wise with the routine you're in) and maybe a little alienated from others since it seems most of your activities revolve around your home. The women's bible study is a good way to meet people but maybe also getting involved in other group activities that get you away from your home and get you interacting with people. Maybe like a book club or a walking group or something (if you don't have these maybe you could start them in your church or something). I know you say everyone is busy and doesn't have time and this is probably true, but sometimes the best way to really get to know people is to volunteer whether in church or in your community. It's an amazing way to hang out with people and get to know them as well. Also it will give you an outside project to focus on that is not in your regular routine of housework, husband and children.

I'm not one to push "religion" on people as the solution to everything (even though I think it definitely helps) but since you said you were in a bible study, I'm assuming you're Christian too. The idea that I've personally found the most helpful in the entire bible is this one:
Live for what is going on right now and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. Fussing today will not change tomorrow. (If you really want to change tomorrow you make a plan and act). All the stressing and worry in the world won't change tomorrow. Tomorrow will be what tomorrow is. (Paraphrased idea from the latter part of Matthew 6 from about 27-34)
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Old 09-27-2009, 01:50 AM   #10
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Toastedsmoke--thanks for your reply.

I just want to put my head on someone's lap and cry. (OK that sounded very weird. I feel about six, though!)

Quote:
[get] involved in other group activities that get you away from your home and get you interacting with people. Maybe like a book club or a walking group...
Has anyone started one? How do you do it?
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Old 09-27-2009, 02:21 AM   #11
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I understand completely. I have many moments when I just want to be hugged and to just cry and whine and have someone just understand and not judge me and then wave a magic wand and have everything turn perfect, unfortunately it doesn't work like that. Sometimes crying helps and one just needs a good cry and a little time to wallow, sometimes it doesn't and makes things worse because once you start you feel like you can't stop. (I know that's not very helpful).

About the book club/walking group: I know my local Borders has a weekly book club which I've gone to a few times, and craigslist will probably have a listing of book clubs in your area. As for starting a walking group by yourself, at my old church in Boston, one lady started a walking group (I'm not sure how she did it, probably talked to the pastor or something and got it announced and in the bulletin), but they met on a weekday evening or Saturday mornings fortnightly and initially it was like a women's walk and they were eventually going to do a charity walk for Breast Cancer, but eventually it became a permanent thing and was advertised in the bulletin as like a time to fellowship and a time to get fit. The only one I went on there was a prayer at the start and then we walked like 3-4 miles maybe in like 1.5hrs. You could add elements to it like maybe have ice-breakers (you have to get to know someone you don't already know) or have a few cue discussion topics. Or if you're not comfortable organizing or forming a large group, you could announce in your women's bible study that you're looking for a walking buddy; people may feel they don't have time to hang out or have a cup of coffee but everyone I know wishes they exercised more. Again craigslist may be a resource.

Again if you don't feel ready to start your own thing, getting more involved in church or community volunteering might be a good way to get out there and build a larger social network.
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Old 09-27-2009, 02:45 AM   #12
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Alana,

I can only tell you what has worked for me. I think the most valuable thing I can share is to begin "walking in the right direction" and just keep going. Don't worry about the "rest of your life." Think about this very moment. Do something RIGHT NOW that is going to make you feel a weency bit better. How about cleaning the fridge or sweeping the kitchen? If you need time with the kids, then make a plan on Sunday to spend 30 minutes even doing something neat with one of them. Don't let the job ahead of you be daunting. It truly is a journey--for all of us in every respect. I truly believe that God meets us 1/2 way on things. If I do my part, I find he is there for me--just not where I always expect him to be..hehe.

You may also want to consider volunteer work as a good way to meet others. Habitat for Humanity, Meals on Wheels, whatever. Often times when we are helping others, our very best selves are in the forefront--ready to greet the best in other people as well.

Why not find something out of the ordinary you can indulge in. Okay, so maybe the exotic trip is out of the question this year but what about something else doable--indoor rock climbing? belly dancing? yoga? cooking classes? The problem with traveling to escape every day problems is that when you arrive--YOU are still there!

I hear you. I get what you are saying.
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Old 09-27-2009, 02:45 AM   #13
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Not to be glib, but are you close to that TOM?? I find, the hormones, make those sad feelings stronger around my special time!!

If I could just suggest, just start over, plan for it, make a decision to just do what it takes to feel better, and only you will know what that is!!

For me, two weeks ago I decided to go back to what works, eating cleaner, {less fat, more whole foods}, exercising, and finding out what are my triggers, and finally, what makes me feel happy one day and sad the next???

Good Luck-I do wish you Inner Happiness
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Old 09-27-2009, 02:55 AM   #14
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I'm new here (first post), and I hope you don't mind me posting, but I was reading your posts and wanted to contribute.

Alana, you sound like a wonderful person. I'm also an only child, so I know what you're saying about being able to entertain ourselves. However, just like you, I get really bored sometimes.

"Thighs" had some great advice. Volunteering is always something that makes me feel a lot better. Also, I agree that you have to live for today. If I spent a lot of time thinking about the future (yikes) or dwelling on the past (double yikes), I'd be crazier than I am right now!

Again, hope you don't mind me posting...
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Old 09-27-2009, 03:00 AM   #15
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Thank you so much for everything, ladies. I need to get off the computer and go to bed--but you are all so wonderful.

I know it may be extremely tedious for others to read through--but I do want to respond to each of the last three post individually--it helps me "focus" and really *hear* what you said. But that will have to wait until tomorrow.

G'night. And thank you.
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