TaraLee--I don't know you or your situation, so what I have to say here is really just my own opinion based on my own experience and it may be completely irrelevant to you.
When I was in my 20s and 30s, I "tested" my boyfriend's all the time. I would treat them badly--at first, I think it was because I really didn't know how to treat people well--but somehow I got a bit of a power kick out of it. Just how much sh*t would someone take from me--and still "love" me.
Then, when these poor fellows had had enough and "left" me, I would have my negative self-image reenforced--and I would feel vindicated that "no one loved me " and I wasn't "worth" loving.
I finally decided to stop playing these crazy games when I threatened to kill myself one night--and a part of me "did it" just to see what the guy's reaction would be.
Poor guy. He was a really good fellow--and he really did deserve someone better than messed up ol' me. I hope he found her.
That was 15 years ago: and I have dealt with a LOT of issues surrounding my perception of myself and my relationships with men. I have a wonderful husband--but we have had our problems, too.
It sounds like your husband has handled this appropriately--you were feeling threatened while she was trying to reestablish contact--and that's natural. I'm glad this has been resolved.
I think my abusing my body was my way of testing my husband.
Maybe. Maybe not. Don't borrow trouble. But if it is true, maybe it doesn't need to be true anymore. I mean, why would you "test" anyone? What does someone have to "do" to prove you are lovable?
By the way, no one passes that test. Ever.
No one can prove to you that your are lovable.
It's either something you believe about yourself (or come to believe) or you don't. If you don't no one can "proove" it to you. If you do, then no one has to.
And there, now I'm taking off my silly counselor's hat and sitting down. Like I said, this is just what I've learned about me and myself and may or may not be relevant to you. But, I hope it helps.