What do you do when sexual assault is the reason...

ernurse · 09-08-2009, 09:16 PM

Amber, you are such a strong person for standing up for yourself, back in Pakastin ( moving to the states) and throwing away twelve dollars of junk food. As an emergency dept nurse, I would say first, please take care of yourself, physically as well as mentally. A defense class is definately an advantage to you. But somehow you must find peace within yourself, meaning, the next time a man at the grocery store tries talking to you, I hope you can say hello and move on without the fear and saddness that I felt overwhelming you in that moment. How about a counselor? Do you have family close to you? Do you have friends that you can really talk with? Have you looked into your local resources for sexually assaulted victims? Your local hospital can give you a phone number to a support group.....I hope this helps...

BornToFly · 09-08-2009, 09:16 PM

I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I can't believe men feel like they can do that to anyone.

I actually feel the same anxiety you feel, the shaking, fear, etc, when guys give me any kind of attention, and I wasn't abused. I can't imagine what it's like for ppl who have been.

AmberShimmer · 09-08-2009, 09:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ernurse

Amber, you are such a strong person for standing up for yourself, back in Pakastin ( moving to the states) and throwing away twelve dollars of junk food. As an emergency dept nurse, I would say first, please take care of yourself, physically as well as mentally. A defense class is definately an advantage to you. But somehow you must find peace within yourself, meaning, the next time a man at the grocery store tries talking to you, I hope you can say hello and move on without the fear and saddness that I felt overwhelming you in that moment. How about a counselor? Do you have family close to you? Do you have friends that you can really talk with? Have you looked into your local resources for sexually assaulted victims? Your local hospital can give you a phone number to a support group.....I hope this helps...

We moved to the US, my whole family and I, and we live together. Honestly, it's not even that I was traumatized. Over there we were conditioned to believe boys will be boys and that's just how they are and to deal with it so that's the impression I had about them growing up. I met this amazing guy here who's also Pakistani, a gentleman, very sweet and patient, so it wasn't that I was afraid to get into a relationship.

It's just that when a man approaches me with the intention of asking me out, I get panic attacks. I detest that kind of attention because it reminds me of what happened back then and I start associating it with that. And the only way I know how to deal with that is by making myself appear unattractive. I feel more comfortable fat than I did skinny.

GirlyGirlSebas · 09-09-2009, 08:47 AM

I strongly recommend seeing a psychologist or a counselor.

When I was 9, I was molested by my Uncle. That was when my weight gain and my battle with depression began. At the age of 27, I finally sought counseling. My psychologist helped me to deal with repressed emotions regarding the events with my Uncle and she taught me coping skills for dealing with the depression and the negative self worth feelings. I was finally able to allow myself to work through the pain and move on with my life. I still battle mild depression when I slip into my old thinking and eating patterns, but I now have coping skills that I can use to pull myself back out.

rockinrobin · 09-09-2009, 09:50 AM

I suffered through molestation as a child. And I am CERTAIN that's why the weight initially poured on me. I DEFINITELY used it as a shield to keep men away from me. I also used it as comfort and probably like Rhonda said, there was some negative self worth issues going on there due to it.

But then it became just too difficult and too painful to remain morbidly obese. I was suffering so, so, so, so much. I knew that dealing with the attention HAD to be easier then dealing with the the way that I was living, which was really not living. And yes, upon losing the weight, all of a sudden I've had to deal with unwanted male attention (a few ladies as well), but I am older, wiser and having been through what I have - stronger, and I CAN indeed handle that attention MUCH better then I was handling my being morbidly obese.

I also think that you would benefit from speaking to a therapist. You don't have to suffer like this. You CAN work through this.

Beverlyjoy · 09-09-2009, 10:25 AM

I am sending you hugs. I too think you could benefit with some counseling. It's alot to deal with on your own.

I too was molested throughout my life. It effected many things in my head and lifestyle for many years.. But, through therapy I can honestly say I am so much better putting it in the past.

Am wishing you well.

starfishkitty · 09-09-2009, 01:15 PM

My boyfriend is actually from India, as well as many of my guy friends in college, and we've actually talked about this stuff many, many times. Seriously, they can be downright CRUDE when it comes to that kind of stuff.... and it's normal there. I'm going to India in Dec or Jan to visit and stay with the boyfriend, and even he's worried about me getting harrassed too much. However, I've told him many times that if these guys think they know what they're getting into with me, they're going to be shocked.

Growing up half Mexican, and visiting Mexico a lot growing up.... it was the same there. They are a macho culture and these guys have nothing better to do and were taught this from their father, and their father's father, etc etc. Well you know what? That's fine, they can say what they want, think what they want... but if they touch, they're getting their mf'in fingers broken off and their faces maced (keeping a small can of mace with you definitely helps your feelings of insecurity, heh). But, bear in mind..... NOT all guys that approach you are that way. Guys are people too.... and there are good ones and bad ones, in all sizes, shapes, and colors. Please keep that in mind. So yeah, those few guys that said those things to you.... half might have meant it, half might not have.... or all of them could have.... but until they DO something (innocent until proven guilty in my mind! hehe).... just try to remember that they are people with feelings, loves, hates, fears, loneliness, etc..... just like you. It's what helps me anyways.

And, just in addition... after actually getting CLOSE to some of these jerks (who I later came to love), I've ASKED them exactly what they think they're doing when they do that kind of stuff...... and you know what they say? They're not really sure! It's just the thing to do..... and it's just all in fun. I made it clear to my little gaggle of boys that its NOT just all in fun sometimes and they need to watch what they say and do with women, because one day they're going to mess with the wrong one and they're going to get their arm broken.

For instance... a woman like me.

AmberShimmer · 09-09-2009, 02:10 PM

Thank you all for your support and understanding. Maybe I really should think about counseling. For the longest time I thought I could do this on my own and haven't been very successful with it. Maybe it's time for a change.

Amanda, when a man makes suggestive comments without knowing you it's demeaing but easily ignorable. What I had to deal with was people not just saying stuff but molesting, touching you without permission in the streets and I don't mean just your arm or shoulder. In that case there is definitely no innocent until proven guilty chance. They're guilty from the start and deserve to be castrated.

I don't know how conditions are in India but from what I've heard, they're definitely better than they are in Pakistan. But carrying mace is always a good idea.

Most people don't even know what mace is there so imagine their shock when you decide to teach one of those jerks a lesson

Nikki6kidsmom · 09-09-2009, 02:37 PM

It looks like you had a huge "AH HA moment" there. I think this is something that you can work on to over come both emotionally and mentally and be aware of without hiding in a fat suit. If taking to a therapist is an option for you it would be a great help but I think just understanding it and being aware of how your past plays a role in your weight is helpful.

You should be proud that you snapped out of it before eatting the junk that to me is a step in the right direction. Big hugs!

JulieJ08 · 09-09-2009, 02:41 PM

Hopefully I'm worried about nothing, but I'm worried about expecting macing a man for sexual advances in another country to go over the same way it would in the U.S. - the actions of the bystanders (other men) may be quite different, and the actions of the legal system (as in maybe considering *you* the assaulter for using mace over "nothing") may not be as expected either.

AmberShimmer · 09-09-2009, 02:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JulieJ08

Hopefully I'm worried about nothing, but I'm worried about expecting macing a man for sexual advances in another country to go over the same way it would in the U.S. - the actions of the bystanders (other men) may be quite different, and the actions of the legal system (as in maybe considering *you* the assaulter for using mace over "nothing") may not be as expected either.

You're right, Julie. I don't know about India but in Pakistan, in this case the law tends to favor men. It's been a while and I don't know if it's different now (although I seriously doubt it) but just to prove a rape, two male witnesses are required. Or in the absence of male witnesses, two female and one male. It's no wonder that women are encouraged to try to ignore such behavior and keep quiet. Often it turns out to be the woman's fault for somehow 'encouraging' such behavior.

kiramira · 09-09-2009, 03:49 PM

Hon, you need some sort of support group or counselling about your experiences. They are clearly affecting how you are living your life today, including how you feel more comfortable in a very large body to protect yourself from male attention.

Here is a link to South Asian womens' support groups in the US. One of these organizations may let you connect with other women who have lived what you have and they may be able to help you out with handling your experiences.
http://www.sawnet.org/orgns/#National

Kira

AmberShimmer · 09-09-2009, 04:05 PM

Kira, thank you so much for the website. I'm definitely going to look at it after work tonight. I found a few websites dealing with the issue in my state.

MugCanDoIt · 09-09-2009, 06:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TaraLee

I think the class is an awesome idea. It's hopefully give you the confidence and sense of security you need and help you feel more assertive.

I agree...and maybe it will help your self esteem as well. Its worth looking into.........

famograham · 09-09-2009, 06:41 PM

Well first of all, let me say how sorry I am for what you have been through!!!

My heart aches for the little girl that was you, and ALL the girls and women of the world who have been so deeply mistreated! You are so brave.

I think that many of our weight issues stem from some form of abuse. I know that mine did. My dad was an abuser (mentally/emotionally...and a small part of me believes possibly sexually too) and I had one boyfriend when I was a teenager who was just awful. Also, all of my male friends when I was a kid wanted "something" from me at one point or another.

I'd be very curious to see a study on overweight women and the link between abuse and fat, and our feeling of the need to protect ourselves from men!
I have to say though, that today.....I'd pity any man who tried to treat me badly! I've been through a lot of therapy for marriage issues (Read: SELF issues), and am FAR healthier today than ever before. Luckily, there has never been an issue with my hubby treating me badly. He's had his problems in the past (porn/sex issues), but the therapy helped me to express to him...what I was, and was NOT willing to accept in MY life. Unwanted things are now out of my life, for several years now, and my hubby is still here...which is a very nice thing. BUT I do know that I would be fine on my own if necessary, and VERY deserving of a healthy love! A very good feeling.

The treatment of women around the world is something that haunts me deeply, right down to my soul.

Linda