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Old 09-06-2009, 10:46 PM   #1
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Default So...dating?

I saw a post on this ages ago, but I can't seem to find it. Anyway, as a single mom, full time student, full time employee, dating is difficult anyway. Not that I've done alot of it lately, I haven't. I spent the last few years concentrating on helping my kids adjust to new things, new living arrangements, my degrees, and me. Losing weight, getting healthy. I've done it slower than alot of people, and I'm ok with that, but recently, I've been getting asked out more. How do you explain, down the road that you're part of the world that is formerly obese? This isn't like the flu, there's no getting over it, this is something that while I don't always struggle with it, I do have a harder time losing those 10 lbs I got over holidays than the average, always normal weight person does. Food, for me is something I'll always have to monitor and be in control of, so it can never be in control of me again. Yeah, thankfully, I'm dating someone who also works out, in fact, we met at the school gym, and is active, so thats not an issue, but he's also capable of swinging into a fast food place, eating a large meal once in awhile and going about his day with no adverse side effects. I'm not. I can never casually swing into a fast food place without knowing in advance what they have that I might want to eat, nevermind what I've budgeted into my calories for the day/week. We're still pretty casual, a date a week, or every other week, either an actual date, date, or coffee during the week. We talk daily, either by phone or at the gym or both, but at some point, we may decide to go further. I'm not like other women under my clothes. How do I go about explaining, although no explanation is needed, I'm not the person I was when I was getting that fat, nor am I the person who chose to remain that way. I'm the girl who took her life in her own hands and took responsibility and changed it, however, having said that, I mean, we all know. We look different under our clothes. Maybe I'm overthinking.

Goal 1: 214 lbs. Met!! Goal 2: 197 lbs. Met!! Goal 3: Keep getting healthy in 2013
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Old 09-06-2009, 11:05 PM   #2
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Dating...sigh. I'm married...serving the life sentence and at seven years so far. But I wanted to drop you a line and a and tell you, I think its amazing the changes you are/have gone through and to me, your an amazing woman to take it all on.
As far as dating goes...if they're asking you out now, they must be into the woman you are now. I think when its casual that it would be fine to tell them, "I dont eat fast food/junk food," or "I'm trying to be more healthy" and leave it at that. If they ask, you can tell them that you used to be really unhealthy and you don't ever want to be down that road again. When it gets a lil more serious worry about it than but I found up front honesty with the BF (who is now DH) was the only way I knew how to put it to him. I had weighed 260 in a size 22 before dropping to a size 13/15 juniors (not thin, I know but for me it was REALLY REALLY good) and I just flat out told him, I used to be really, really fat (haha, if only I'd known then what I know now...I remember telling myself there was no way in **** I'd ever be that fat again..hahaha). He didn't believe me till he saw a picture. He told me I was still pretty in the picture but looked better since I'd lost the weight (good thing he thought I was pretty fat, huh?) and that was it. He, bless his heart, even brought me salad for lunch our first week "together."
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Old 09-07-2009, 01:07 AM   #3
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I'm not sure I would even tell this gentleman anything. If he wants fast food I agree with TaraLee just say you are trying to eat healthier or that you don't eat fast food. Leave it at that.

You said, "I'm not like other women under my clothes," from my experience if you are to the point they are seeing you out of your clothes they aren't going to mind what they see. If this gentleman has an issue with what he does see, then you know he isn't the right guy for you.

If you do tell him and he has an issue again he isn't the right guy for you. I'm married to a man who was always thin. If I wasn't married and I did happen to date someone who looked good and then confessed they had been a larger person, I'd give them all the Kudos I could because I know how hard making the change is. I know those that have always been thin don't know how hard it is, but I really don't think it would be an issue.
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Old 09-11-2009, 12:41 PM   #4
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Huh... that's tough. I sometimes think about dating and all that too but, as I'm not dating anyone now, it hasn't become an issue for me yet. I do think about it though... being healthy and thinner and having to say, "hey, look, I used to be morbidly obese so I don't look so fab under these clothes." But in all honesty, I'm not there yet and I don't know how my body will adjust before then... so I guess I am just trying to focus on the here and now and will cross that road when I get there.
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Old 09-11-2009, 01:40 PM   #5
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What do you mean when you say "we're not like other women under our clothes?" Do you mean excess skin? Because we ALL look different under our clothes! There is no norm, despite what we see in magazines, which airbrush everyone into some smooth, thin, lump-free "ideal." I'm not trying to diminish your concerns about how you look or feel. Even when I was very thin, there were things I felt might look funny or unattractive. (someone once told me, not unkindly but perplexed, "You have very unusually shaped breasts!" We have been pretty well conditioned to look for flaws in our shape, our breasts, our butts, our hips and everywhere else. There is vaginoplasty and labiaplasty for women who think they don't look perfect enough "down there!" Really, now.

You have worked hard to be healthy, and to take care of your children, your education, etc. You have so much to be proud of! I am sure that anyone you are dating who is worth your attention will be focusing on your strengths and your beauty, not on any perceived "flaw." He may be worried that you will notice his own love handles, or his back hair, or his lack of 6 pack abs, or his skinny legs.

That said, I find dating to be such a mind trip!! Good luck to you!! You deserve someone who thinks you are absolutely wonderful.
"Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants." ~Michael Pollan
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Old 09-11-2009, 01:44 PM   #6
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Dating, what is that strange word?

In all seriousness, I've NEVER dated. I've gone out on A date a time or two, then get scared, and run. Silly I know, esp at 30 years old. But I always think I have to run before someone runs from me, avoid getting hurt that way, only it doesn't avoid the hurtness, and it sure is lonely.
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