Onderchic, I realize we don't know each other at all but I read a lot of your posts and when I read them I say to myself, you know, I wish I had a friend like her.
That said, I wish you could see your posts objectively. What would you say if you had a sister who was in this situation? I'm not suggesting that you immediately pack up and leave or that your situation before you met him was good. However, it really reads to me like he is not at all your boyfriend, more like your keeper or captor. A boyfriend doesn't treat a girlfriend that way.
It is possible that he honestly thinks that he is doing the right things. He isn't.
A lot of places offer free counseling. You should really look into some of them - both for couples counseling and counseling for you.
Michelle, when I first got with my guy, who I also met online, he "saved" me from an abusive relationship and I was just tired. Physically, emotionally and I just handed my life over to him on a silver platter and said you do it, I'm tired, and he did, and for the first few yrs I was totally fine with that. In fact I must have slept our first year together. He has seen me and stuck by me through my darkest days and it wasn't always pretty, but I am very grateful he did. I had social Anxiety, I didn't even step outside at one point for over a year, and I was clinically depressed, but I got on meds, and had therapy and worked through my issues, and eventually, as I started feeling better, and the weight has started to come off, I have started feeling like ME again. The me I was before the abusive one. Well, this was a big change for him and even though I think he wants me to be Independent, I think he also feels a bit threatened by it. I have even felt he was purposely sabotaging my weight-loss efforts and we fought about it. It's gotten SOOOO Much better since we sat down and had a long talk, and I'll be going back to school in the Spring. We are getting along now better than we ever have girl, and it's been 7.5 yrs together now. I just think you are growing, and your bf may be stuck..he just needs a little push is all. Hopefully.
My point is, I realize you have some issues, but you deserve your independence. Even if it's in baby steps. Even if it's just him carrying you to Walmart for 30 minutes, or going out to eat something different. Going fishing, to the park, whatever. We NEED social interaction sometimes. It sounds to me like you've lost a lot of weight and are regaining some confidence and are ready to start exploring the outside world, and he needs to be able to allow you this. You deserve new clothes that fit, girly things to make you feel pretty, different kinds of food. I really think therapy could be helpful too. Lots of places use a slide-scale thingy. Can you babysit some kids to bring in some extra cash to help pay for the things you want and need? You can't be a recluse forever. Eventually you are going to NEED to get out of that house and Fly butterfly!
Last edited by Diva; 09-05-2009 at 10:42 PM.
Reason: typo
Maybe he was raised in a home where the wife is expected to be a doormat. You don't have to be . It seems you have done a lot for him , but I don't see that he has done a whole lot for you. I feel bad for you. I feel that you are settling for far less than you deserve. You should be able to wear clothes that fit , you should be able to get out of the house, my gosh , how can you stand being there all the time ? You need to see other people, go shopping, go for a walk, go out for coffee, anything, it doesn't have to cost a lot. You need someone to talk to. Try and find a part time job, there must be some way you can get around, public transportation mavbe. Ask yourself what is the real reason he wants to keep you isolated ? That is not normal. Is he afraid you will meet someone else ? Is he ashamed of you ? When I was at my heaviest I dated and I was selfconscious about my weight, but it didn't seem to bother anyone else. If people care about you they don't care about how you look. They may be concerned about your health but generally they are not bothered by your weight.You deserve better than what you are getting.
Onederchic- I'm glad we were able to relate in some way here. I have to agree with a lot of when Diva has said here, as I was also in a similar situation as her . . .
I don't really know what situation you got yourself out of when your current boyfriend "came to the rescue," but like Diva, I'd been in an abusive relationship, was diagnosed with depression, and still have some horrible social anxieties even to this day (although I'm getting better). I'd pretty much given up on the world and even myself before my current boyfriend came into the picture and made me realize that I was worth it and had a future to look forward to. But he has agreed to help me get back on my feet. He knows I've been through a lot and can't either be pushed too hard or left to fend completely for myself.
It really can take a lot to get you back on your feet. I know I definitely took baby steps, and I still find myself doing so. I often take a moment to reassure myself that I'm making progress in all areas of my life, and my boyfriend can't help but agree; and in doing so he acknowledges that I'm getting better, even in those moments where I don't have to set him up to say so.
It's good that you've at least talked to him about how you're feeling, although I think it's safe to say there's still a lot of talking ahead of you. I think you'll have to find ways to hold your ground. He's sympathetic adn receptive at the time, but whenever he lets things go back to "normal," take a moment to reiterate that you're serious about wanting to go to the store (or wherever), that you *need* to get out of the house, even if it's only for the sake of getting out of the house! When he mentions your doggy has those separation issues, insist that it would do him some good to spend a little time alone in the house; and besides, you're not changing your mind about going because it's something you *need* to do. Hold your ground, girl!
The boyfriend and I do all our grocery shopping together now, and it's actually become a fun occasion to look forward to. Luckily he's encouraging these changes within me, but I have a feeling your boyfriend may be feeling threatened, especially after a year and a half of things basically being handled the same. Maybe after a few of those baby steps are taken, he'll begin to realize that there's nothing to fear from letting you grow back into an independent individual. It will be less stress on the both of you!
A few side notes . . . I quit both smoking and drinking for my boyfriend; he despises both habits. But I was fine with that, in fact I did it mostly for myself (even if he was the one that requested I do so). At the same time, I think I'd be annoyed/angry/hurt if he'd asked me to quit either of those things (either for financial or health reasons) yet continued to do them himself.
I didn't put myself on any type of "diet" until recently; we were mostly eating convenience and restaurant foods, not only because I dislike cooking, but I even felt self-conscious in doing so! But I'm weird like that. I felt so self-conscious about every little aspect of my life when I moved out here and it's taken time to settle. Part of my healing is taking care of my health; it's very fortunate that it's something you tackled head-on so early in your relationship!
And as for not working . . . I haven't been needed to babysit for a while and I'm not currently working a "regular" job. It really can be hard to ask for what feels like "extras" when you're not contributing to the bills, especially when those bills are tight. But we all need those extras. You're entitled to get new clothes and the like, to try new foods. You deserve to be taken out every so often. Even if you're not directly contributing to the bills you two are supposed to be a team. You should be making financial decisions together, after all, you live in the same household.
Once again, good luck to you. And once again, let me know if you ever need a listening ear or someone to relate to.
As to my previous situation, I will pm you, if that's okay. I will also say here that it was not a romantic relationship that I was in previously. Before my husband, whom I met at 17, I had dated casually a few times (had really strict parents and when I did go on a date, one of my older sisters had to accompany me). My husband and I were together for 12 years. Then after he passed there was noone until my current boyfriend.
I agree with what you are saying. I need to be more assertive and stand my ground but he makes it difficult. I have heard more than once about how my "nagging" and whining" and "complaining" make him dread coming home which really does nothing good for me emotionally, it really only helps make the negative feelings I hold about myself grow.
I have begged him to show me some affection/attention and he always says I am being dramatic.
I just really feel my weight is what the issue is for him. I can't lose any faster than I am unless I starve myself and I ain't doing that.
I don't know really know anything much right now. I just want to feel appreciated and loved and pretty. Maybe one day.
And when you have lost all the weight, will you be good enough for him ? I am sorry if I sound harsh, but love does not put demands on those we care about.
I have no idea, really. I just pray, I reckon that one day it will be enough. I know that same lame and stupid but it is how I feel
Onederchic, I'm sorry, but this is very unhealthy. If he has a problem with your weight, that's his problem, not yours. If he can't love you because of your weight, then why do you want to be with him? Why do you want to be with someone who would only be attracted to you because of your body? You're more than just your weight -- you're a daughter, a friend, a girlfriend, and a woman. Just from reading this thread, I know you like dogs and working out, and you're very brave for getting yourself out of a bad situation. There's so much more to you than just numbers on a scale.
You said:
I have heard more than once about how my "nagging" and whining" and "complaining" make him dread coming home...
I have begged him to show me some affection/attention and he always says I am being dramatic.
What do any of these problems have to do with how much you weigh? Nothing. You sacrificing your independence and his unwillingness to respond to your needs has nothing to do with your weight. If he doesn't listen to you now, he's not going to listen to you when you're thin.
And if he does do a complete 180 just because you've lost weight, then he's a jerk. And you don't need him in your life.
It's about being in control, and not allowing you to be the strong, independant woman that you are, because that would mean he wasn't in charge. It's about his need to suppress who you really are to make him feel manly, or powerful, or something.
IT IS NOT YOU! This man is abusive. Period. I went through this, and it took me 15 years to believe in myself sufficiently to say enough! I don't deserve this. I deserve someone who loves me. Saying you love someone is easy. Demonstrating it is much more difficult.
I don't want to see you go through what I did. Because word for word (the social isolation, the control of money, the issue of not working), your situation is like mine was. And eventually I saw it for the abusive, abnormal situation that it was, but like I said, it took me 15 years.
Like the others have said, take a step back and look at your life objectively. If your best friend or sister was being treated like you are, what would you say to them? What advice would you give?
You are a sensible, rational person, but sometimes when we get caught up in these types of situations we can't see the forest for the trees. Please, please, please, get some support. Professionally, from family, from friends, or just keep coming back here. Evaluate where you are and how you want to get to where you want to be. And then decide if this man is helping or hindering you.
Take care chicky. We all care about you. I'm glad you're still visiting this thread. PM me if you want to talk.
It really doesn't sound like you are in a healthy relationship but I really think you need to work on that with your boyfriend.
As for the independance, is there any public transportation in your area? You could always use public transportation as a means of getting out/getting a job if it is available.
Otherwise, are there odd jobs you could do in your area? I'm not sure what type of community you live in and what might be available. House cleaning? Lawn work? Stable work? Child care? Dog walking?
