So I will try to explain what all happened last night but I am feeling pretty drained this morning so it may come out as senseless babbling.
It started with me having to bring up about him wanting to send me back to Tennessee. To a situation where I was completely miserable and wanted to die everyday. A place where he and I would most likely have no contact. I told him when you love someone, you don't ship them off at the first sign of financial trouble. You cut back on something or cut out something that is not necessary like his smoking. Anyway, this went into me yelling about how I have lost weight, and quit smoking and all that to save him money and how I have offered to work and he says no which he responds with "For the first 8 months you were here, I couldn't even mention the word job without you freaking out." Which is not entirely true but yeah, I was still having more problems with myself because of my weight but he had never once told me to get or job nor did I ever say I wouldn't work. So I countered that argument with the fact that if he says he will not take me to a job now or let me use his car then it is pretty sure bet he wouldn't when I first got here so he should stop trying to smash that in my face. So the argument keeps on and I mention how he never touches or kisses me and this is where he hurts my feelings cause he laughs...laughs and tells me that I don't know how to kiss. I was embarrassed and hurt so yeah I went to the bedroom crying. He came in after about 10 minutes, sat on the edge of the bed, patted my leg a couple times and sat in silence for 15 or so minutes, never once trying to comfort or apologize. Then he gets up and goes back out to the livingroom. I stayed in the bed and about a hour later, around 2am, he comes to bed but I am still crying and I tell him why and he says he is sorry he embarrassed and hurt me and he does hug me then. Well, me being the way I am, I asked him how he can always just ignore me when I am obviously hurting from things he has said and that gets the argument going again and it lasts for 2 hours. In the midst of all that, he said sending me back to Tennessee was no longer an option since I had to breakdown and cry about it the other night when he mentioned it. Then he keeps going on and on and about bills and money this and money that and yadda yadda yadda. I even mentioned about him quitting smoking again to save money and he said that his smoking only costs 120 bucks a month and my eating and electricity usage when he is at work costs more than that . When it was all said and done, I was the one apologizing and promising to make more changes.
Now, I can already pretty much guess what most will say. I will say that, well, firstly I come here to post as a way to vent. I do love the support and encouragement as well. Secondly, I am sure some may understand this though I don't have any rational reasoning behind it but I do love him and I already took a big leap and changed my whole life around once when I came here and until I decide it is best for me and I am able to do something different, I don't see me leaving here today or soon. I love him. I can't help it. I do. I am stupid, I know.
Hun, you're not stupid -- you're in an abusive relationship. I, and many others here, it seems, were lucky enough to get out; others never do. I hope that you will be one of the former, but you're the only one who can make that happen. With me, one day it became utterly, totally crystal clear that I had to choose between him or me, and I'm thankful to this day that some spark inside me chose me. I hope that when this day comes for you that you do the same. Remember these 20+ pages of people supporting and caring for you, and pick you.
Until then, please try to remember that you have worth -- you have value -- apart and separate from him and anything he's done/doing. If nothing else, remember that as a human being, a living creature, you have an intrinsic value that nothing you've done/haven't done/etc. can ever diminish or delete. Don't give up.
I'm really not going to say anything, you said you already know there is a problem, but you love him and want to stay...sooooooooo, that being said..... God be with you and I know that as time goes by you will get stronger and stronger. I stayed in a bad marriage...(BAD) for 20 years.... When you decide it's time, it's time. I should have left WAAAAAY sooner, but I had my reasons for staying, too.
I understand.
You're not stupid by any means. You are in a relationship that is less than ideal, but you love him, and you have been emotionally beaten down to a point where you feel like you are in the wrong, and you're not quite ready to see your own worth. You are strong, you have overcome a lot, and this too shall pass - when you are ready for it. Even though you are staying, please remember this, because it's very important: You are a beautiful person. You are strong. You deserve to be treated with kindness, respect, and love.
If you need anything at all, please don't hesitate to PM me. I have a lot of resources at my disposal. You know that you have everyone's support, and please remember that.
Sigh. I think he's telling you (very passively aggressively) that he doesn't want you around anymore, but he's too much of a punk to end the relationship and be done. Seriously, you bring up cutting down on or quitting smoking and he tells you that you cost more than cigarettes, and he's not giving them up? What does that tell you?
Stop being hurt and get angry, chickie. He's treating you like crap, and you're sitting back and apologizing for existing in his world. Learned helplessness sucks -- you deserve so much more than you are sharing with us here.
. When it was all said and done, I was the one apologizing and promising to make more changes.
Wow!
yea...that's what I meant! 