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OT - I'm in love with a skinny boy

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Old 07-24-2009, 03:21 AM   #1
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Default OT - I'm in love with a skinny boy

Okay, here's the deal. Apologies for length.

Backstory:
A few years ago, I fell in love with a longterm friend of mine, call him William. Confused the heck out of me, since I'm fairly sure I'm a lesbian. Never really found men sexually attractive, and I didn't find William attractive either... but it was definitely romantic love. And he seemed to be flirting pretty heavily with me as well. Not one to quibble over details, I took a shot and told him how I felt. He told me he loved me too, and we spent a beautiful night together.

A week apart due to my work, and I come back to find him getting ready for his third date with another girl. Our friendship never really recovered.

Present Day:
I've come to realize I've fallen in love with another longterm friend, also male, call him Gabriel. Heck, he's even cute enough that I could feasibly see myself wanting to "get" with him. But considering my experience with William, and the fact that Gabriel had never once looked at me romantically, I decided not to say anything.

But then Gabriel got hit with a slew of bad events. His longterm quasi-girlfriend (trial separation) called it quits. His belov'ed cat died of old age. And worst, at only 29 he found out that he has a neurological condition, and may be stuck in a wheelchair by the time he's 40. Gabriel took all this very hard, and fell into deep depression. He started drinking heavily. He can't sleep alone without nightmares, so our social group takes turns keeping him company (Turns out he's a sleep cuddler. And he twitches. And snores).

He frequently rambles about how he wishes he had someone to call his own, how he wishes he knew who She (his soulmate) is, how he's just so lonely. And it's all I can do to not offer up anything he might want of me. Cuddles, comfort, love, sex, anything to make him stop hurting.

But if him being on the rebound and me being gay(ish) isn't enough discouragement, there is one other issue:

Gabriel is a tiny, handsome fellow. Skinny as a rake. And his taste in women is likewise. Every girl he's ever been with was teeny-tiny, and model-worthy beautiful in the face.

Me? Down 40 lbs, booya, but still not anywhere near his standards. And not likely to ever be, what with loose skin and stuff. Even when (not if!) I do get down to normal weight... I was only fair to handsome as a teen, never "pretty". Good enough for me, but not enough that he'd be interested.

I know I sound like I'm saying "woe is me, I'm so ugly", but please understand I am trying to be realistic here. I love my body, I do, every little curve, wrinkle, and stretchmark. But after weighing the evidence, I seriously doubt he would. Any acceptance of an offer to be more than a friend to him would surely be the pain talking, and I feel it would fade as he heals. It wouldn't be fair to either of us.

Plus he's a terrible skirt-chaser. Even when he has a girlfriend.

I'm posting this here on Three Chicks because I know you'll understand what kind of situation I'm in. I'm fairly sure the "correct" answer to my problem is for me to stay his friend and support him that way, and continue my weight plan normally. And maybe someday when I'm 150, we'll see. But I just felt I needed to get this out of my system by talking about it.
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Old 07-24-2009, 03:40 AM   #2
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I'm sorry you're being hit with so much emotional turmoil.

I think you do have the answer, though, and responding to someone who is, however temporarily, very needy is not likely to have a good outcome for you. Whatever your size or weight. I know we all have a physical type we prefer but if he has 'standards' for the shape and size of his romantic partners (I know that was your word but is it his too?) I think the thought of being 'sub-standard' would always haunt you. Not that you are.

I admire you and his other friends for the care you're taking of him but would counsel against getting otherwise involved with someone in such a precarious place at the moment.

(and you have to set that thought against my total inability to read men, as my previous posts have evidenced.....)
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Old 07-24-2009, 08:51 AM   #3
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I would have to agree with staying friends. Regardless of being his type physically, it seems that he might not be your type emotionally. It does sound like you are a 1 person person and his chasing skirts would not meet the level of commitment you desire.

I guess the question is can you emotionally and mentally enter a relationship that is not monogomous and remain emotionally and mentally healthy through the relationship? And not take on the emotional feelings of failure when it changes back to being platonic?

At some point, some people realize that relationships are not completely about physical attraction. There is so much more into making a relationship work - personality attraction, emotional attraction, and intellectual connections to name a few. I know I got to a point where meeting my emotional and intellectual needs outgrew my needs for having someone of a specific physical type. That doesn't mean my attraction to a physical type has changed, it just isn't dictating who I'm in a relationship with. (partnered for 11 yrs)

My sister has been single for close to 12 yrs now, with no real prospects because she has not/can not make the change from looking for a physical type to looking for someone with a personality/emotional type.

So not everyone can make that leap - maybe this guy can, maybe he can't. I'm not sure he is in an emotional place to really know how he will feel once his life stabilizes abit.
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Old 07-24-2009, 09:12 AM   #4
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that's quite a situation, I'm so sorry about your friend having to go through that. I can completely understand you wanting to comfort him.

I couldn't help thinking that you shouldn't settle for anything but the whole cup of tea -- a man or woman who loves you as a friend, loves your bod, who you love as a friend, whose bod you love, kwim? Who a person picks as a romantic partner, I have found, has such a profound impact on life.

I know from experience it's easier to say, this person is here, and I have these feelings, let me see if I can work it out...it's worth waiting and seeking out that good fit. My 2 cents.
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Old 07-24-2009, 09:19 AM   #5
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My hubby was "skinny as a rake" too...LOL. Fast forward to today--while still fit he isn't skinny as a rake any more! Sometimes you can PLUMP them up! LOL! The fact he is a skirt chaser is something you SHOULD give some serious consideration to. I could never, ever marry someone like that--I guess I have known too many of those types. While fun to date and be chased by, it isn't someone I want long-term.


I like Dragon's post about wanting the entire cup of tea. Just don't settle. Keep looking. If there isn't anyone in your range you feel is a great fit for you, than expand your horizons. Keep working on your own self physically and mentally. Then, when you happen upon your own prince charming you will be all the more attractive to him.
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Old 07-24-2009, 09:28 AM   #6
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You know, giving him everything he might want may not be the best thing for him. Maybe he always gets that whether he should or not. Maybe what he *needs* is a friend and not another girl giving him whatever he wants.
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Old 07-24-2009, 09:30 AM   #7
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I think you know what to do. I think you are just crushing. Even grown ups get crushes. It's normal and sometimes fun. It's okay to be attracted to someone and not act on it.
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Old 07-24-2009, 09:59 AM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jo Kittibuck View Post

Plus he's a terrible skirt-chaser. Even when he has a girlfriend.
That right there would be a deal breaker for me.

I'm sorry you're in such a tough situation. I'm glad you're at least getting to spend more time with him, and I hope he's able to work through some of these really difficult problems.
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Old 07-24-2009, 10:07 AM   #9
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You sound like a lovely person who has a lot of compassion for your friend who is ill. As TraceyElaine says, it also sounds like you have a bit of a crush on him. He also sounds very needy, which may be perfectly understandable in his current circumstance but not necessarily the healthiest time for you to add the complication of sex (with hm) to the mix. Lots of people can do the casual sex thing just fine, but it's always been problematic for me because I get attached, start feeling mushy, lovey feelings, etc. Then when the guy (especially skirt chasers!) move on, I'm crushed.

My vote is to continue to be his loving, platonic friend and resist the urge to comfort and connect with him through sex. There are healther (mentally), more balanced partners out there for you. Man or woman, you deserve a partner who is an equal on an emotional and spiritual level.
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Old 07-24-2009, 10:12 AM   #10
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My intuition says he's not the right one for you. But someone out there is.
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Old 07-24-2009, 12:07 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JulieJ08 View Post
You know, giving him everything he might want may not be the best thing for him. Maybe he always gets that whether he should or not. Maybe what he *needs* is a friend and not another girl giving him whatever he wants.
^^^ this.

I had this same arrangement with a guy I was good friends with, it was less love and more me wanting to fix him/his problems.

Once we "made it official" things crumbled.
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Old 07-24-2009, 12:19 PM   #12
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I'm going to disagree - just a little bit - with some of the previous posters. I agree that your description of him makes it sound like you're well aware that he's not the one for you. But I also wonder if it's good for you to be as close to him as you are. He obviously needs support, but it sounds like it might be painful for you to be as involved as you are. Perhaps it would be better for you to cancel the overnight visits? I know I would have difficulty staying all night (and discovering he's a cuddle sleeper) with someone for whom I felt a sexual attraction. Allowing him to hurt you (though he would likely do so with the best of intentions) will not make him better, and could destroy your friendship.
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Old 07-24-2009, 02:20 PM   #13
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I'm going to agree with LaurieDawn, I know the boy has gone through a lot, but he needs some tough love. He needs to stop feeling sorry for himself and look ahead.. and you can support him through this, but you don't have to baby him, he is a grown man after all. I know it sounds harsh, but sometimes life isn't a bowl of cherries.
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Old 07-24-2009, 02:35 PM   #14
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Be careful of turning friends into lovers. Sometimes when things don't work out, you lose a very good friend. That can be a very hard and painful loss to go through. Been there recently.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
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Old 07-24-2009, 10:05 PM   #15
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I think you know the answer already, it's all there in black and white. You're pretty sure you're gay, he's desperately in need of someone to lean on for support and comfort, and he's a skirt chaser of tiny women. I'm so afraid you'll 'give in' to him because of wanting to provide that comfort, and once he's on his feet again off he goes chasing twiggy in a mini while you're left crushed. No, this situation sets off my 'danger will robinson' alarm - be a friend and leave it at that my dear.
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