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Way OT but can anyone help me sort out an arugment? (LONG)

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Old 06-28-2009, 11:04 AM   #1
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Default Way OT but can anyone help me sort out an arugment? (LONG)

Hi guys,

I had a fight on the phone with the DF I went on holiday with. Well he was patronizing,so I hung up. He rang back to check I had done and it wasn't a phone fault, and then told me I was f.ing rude.

I rang back to explain why I'd reacted to his behaviour but he sat in silence and didn't answer.

I asked chickies for their opinion as to how to move this on: do I ditch a friendship of 12 years or do I try and mend it and if so how.

I've cut this down now from the original long 'he said I said' spiel, because it truly was a bit sad for a woman of my age but I've never known how to stand up for myself adultly.

I appreciate all the comments and am now trogging to the end of the thread to answer.

Thanks guys.
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Last edited by Rosinante : 06-28-2009 at 01:24 PM. Reason: Cut out the immature bit.
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Old 06-28-2009, 11:13 AM   #2
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I think I would find another friend, this one doesn't seem to be worth the aggravation.
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Old 06-28-2009, 11:17 AM   #3
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He was rude, but hanging up on someone is more rude (in my opinion).
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Old 06-28-2009, 12:11 PM   #4
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He was definitely unsympathetic. I don't think anyone could argue with that. But I don't think multiple hang ups were necessary either. Hmmm. If you value his friendship and I think you do, I would call him and apologize for your response to his unsympathetic tone.

I have lots of friends. And even my nearest and dearest friends, the ones that I talk to several times a week and we are as close as can be, well they all do something that annoys me every now and then. As I'm certain I do things to annoy them at times. If I didn't overlook those things, then I'd have no friends. I've come to accept this.
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Old 06-28-2009, 12:15 PM   #5
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Hi there...
I don't think you were rude at all. Noone has to hold onto a call which is distressing and pointless. I've hung up on people who were berating me over the phone, because I don't need that in my life. I've always said prior to hanging up that we can continue to discuss this once you've decided to behave appropriately. So hanging up in this situation isn't rude.

You gotta ask yourself: Why are you in this friendship? What do you want from it? Are you likely to get it? And if you feel disrespected it in, why do you keep going back?

Only you can decide these things for yourself. I WOULD be wary of falling into a abusive-type pattern: he is very hurtful, there is silence, you apologize, you both reconcile, he demonstrates some sort of remorse (like taking you for dinner or something), then he is very hurtful, there is silence, and so on. It seems there may be elements of this here. Notice here that there is never an apology from the other, nor any attempt to resolve things nor make them better. There is no empathy here for your feelings. And the situation just keeps on repeating itself, over and over and over again.

Personally, and it is just ME, the next time we spoke, I would explain how his behaviour made you feel and ask for a sincere apology if he wants the relationship to continue. I would also apologize for my role in the issue, but I would really make RECEIVING an acceptable apology a deal breaker. If he laughs you off or says "fine, sorry" and isn't sincere, you really should consider breaking off this relationship because IMHO it is really bordering on the edge of being emotionally abusive. You can have just as much fun in your life with people who actually care about how you feel. THESE are the people you can quarrel with and quibble with, but can work things out so you feel respected. I don't get the sense that this is one of those people.

JMHO (I've been there...)

Kira

Last edited by kiramira : 06-28-2009 at 12:19 PM.
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Old 06-28-2009, 12:24 PM   #6
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well you're kind of lucky if you're a grownup and haven't had to deal with a friend fight before LOL If he's more trouble than he's worth (and let's face it, boys aren't the ones to go to for sympathy over a bad day, they want to FIX things, not LISTEN to us whinge) just cut him loose and move on, but if he's someone you want to hang on to, I've always found taking a bottle of wine, or a pie, or some fruit salad, anything! over to their place and say "look, we're both idiots, let's call it quits" and make up
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Old 06-28-2009, 12:52 PM   #7
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You know... from reading between the lines in your description of the events, I think he just doesn't like you very much.

If this is a "friendship with benefits," and if I'm correct that he doesn't like you very much, then it could be that he is "putting up with you" to enjoy those benefits.

Because this is how guys act when they aren't that interested, frankly.

So, if I were in your position, I would just not initiate further contact. He sounds like a passive-aggressive personality, and this will not be the last time you find yourself in this situation. If he doesn't initiate contact either, then you have your answer.

Meanwhile, you could turn your attention elsewhere, toward people who are more understanding and less self-centered.

Jay
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Old 06-28-2009, 01:41 PM   #8
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Gosh, thankyou for all the great replies.

Quote:
I think I would find another friend, this one doesn't seem to be worth the aggravation.
Only sometimes is he not worth the aggro, and today is one of them; but then none of us is perfect, is what I come back to.

Quote:
He was rude, but hanging up on someone is more rude (in my opinion).
I never thought of it as rude, so that's interesting. Inept, yes, because I don't know how to to state my case when someone's being a pig, without crying.

Quote:
He was definitely unsympathetic. I don't think anyone could argue with that. But I don't think multiple hang ups were necessary either. Hmmm. If you value his friendship and I think you do, I would call him and apologize for your response to his unsympathetic tone.

I have lots of friends. And even my nearest and dearest friends, the ones that I talk to several times a week and we are as close as can be, well they all do something that annoys me every now and then. As I'm certain I do things to annoy them at times. If I didn't overlook those things, then I'd have no friends. I've come to accept this.
I kind of cling to the 2nd hang up, on the basis of always hanging up on someone who uses the f. word at me! I do value his friendship but, at the same time, it always feels like me who has to put up with occasional bad behaviour and lack of sympathy from him, while I always give him the sympathy he asks for, when he does. Hm.

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You gotta ask yourself: Why are you in this friendship? What do you want from it? Are you likely to get it? And if you feel disrespected it in, why do you keep going back?
Oh boy! good one! We used to work together, just a team of 2. It didn't work too well because although we get on very well (when we do), he couldn't cope with the fact that we were meant to be equals, and was always 'in charge', which got wearing. However, once I'd left, we rang, emailed, met and eventually began going on holiday together. No strings. I've moved a long way. He's someone that many people are in awe of, the world is littered with women who've thrown themselves at him and missed (just not that interested). So yes, there was a huge inner kudos at having him as a friend. I've reflected over the years - because it would be really bad of me to claim to be his friend when really he was just a trophy - and over the years, a real friendship has developed. I do (look out, here comes a deep inner thought) often feel like the junior partner, the sidekick, the small wheel on the pennyfarthing but I'm not able to say whether *I* impose that or he. I have an inner conviction, in every human relationship, of not being good enough. No, counselling didn't help either. hm.

Quote:
Meanwhile, you could turn your attention elsewhere, toward people who are more understanding and less self-centered.
No, no 'benefits' involved! I suppose, even setting aside whether I like him or not, there's fear of there being nobody. It just isn't that easy making new friends, it truly isn't. and yes, I do hear how unhealthy that sounds....


Thankyou all for giving me food for thought - non calorific.
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Old 06-28-2009, 02:41 PM   #9
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Quote:
I do (look out, here comes a deep inner thought) often feel like the junior partner, the sidekick, the small wheel on the pennyfarthing but I'm not able to say whether *I* impose that or he.
It's him. Believe me. And you do your part by accepting that. If you started to assert yourself against that, you would find... well, you would find yourself where you are now.

Yes, it's hard to make new friends. Especially when you can just keep the old one and tell yourself it's "good enough."

Whether he stays one of your friends or not, it would be good to have other people to do things with...

Jay
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Old 06-28-2009, 02:53 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ailidh View Post
No, no 'benefits' involved! I suppose, even setting aside whether I like him or not, there's fear of there being nobody. It just isn't that easy making new friends, it truly isn't. and yes, I do hear how unhealthy that sounds....
I missed the original post before you edited it (darn it! sounds juicy! ) so I can't really offer much advice on that, other than this: Usually when I have done the "hang up" thing on someone, it's because I feel very unequal in the relationship and/or the conversation and it's my way of controlling how and when it ends. I don't know if that's true for you, too, but it's something to consider.

As for the part I quoted above--I have trouble making new friends, too, but I've only just recently come to realize that this is really all because of me. Not that I'm not good enough or no fun, but because I have the idea in my head that I'd be bugging people if I called them, maybe I'm not much fun, I probably want to do dumb things, etc. But that's really not true, I don't think. I attended a class reunion this weekend and it has really got me thinking. I realized this morning after a weekend of socializing that I'm lonely a lot of the time. And then I started to mentally tick off all the opportunites to do things with people that I have rejected in the past few months. An invitation from a high school girlfriend to re-establish contact. A phone call from another woman I was friends with 10 years ago; she's back in town and called me weeks ago, and I haven't returned her call. An invitation to go pour wine at a co-worker's wine tasting event. An offer for free baseball tickets, for crying out loud. (I'm calling today for those).

So search the events of the past 6 months or so, and see if there are any opportunties like this that you have passed on for whatever reason. I honestly had no idea that there were any at all, until I started really thinking about it and realized that people *have* reached out to me; I just have cluelessly let those opportunities pass.

You seem like a lovely person. I would imagine there would be many people who would be very, very happy to have such a decent person as their friend.
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Old 06-28-2009, 03:03 PM   #11
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" True Friendship Is Never Serene" -
and 12 years is a long time.

I wouldn't ditch a friend because of a phone tiff and it has nothing to do with having a hard time making friends or being a door mat or push over.

If it were me I'd call him back & be honest.
First off you need to apologize for hanging up (childish & you started it). It is very rude to hang up on people. Sorry if you don't want to hear it - you asked
Tell him why he set you off - his tone or attitude was patronizing and you won't abide it- let him know. But also tell him you don't want to loose his friendship. Lots of men get silent - he's stewing and doesn't know what to say. Men sometimes aren't so great expressing inner feelings and don't always react well when feeling threatened.
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Old 06-28-2009, 03:08 PM   #12
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I'm sorry this is happening babe. He sounds like he's being an ***... TELL him he's being an ***. Tell him what YOU need from this friendship and then ask him what HE needs. I think you BOTH are ticking one another off and you guys need to hash it out. In person. Without swearing

*big hugs*
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Old 06-28-2009, 03:16 PM   #13
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Windchime - omg, you're me! I'm so sorry. :wink: I really, genuinely think I'm a bother to people, when (the occasional) invitations suggest that might not be the case. I'll work on that, and I'll work on doing some research into places/opportunities to make friends. Hll, if I can lose weight, I can do this.

Susie - no, I don't like it but I'm not saying you're wrong. Not ready to say you're right either lol. It is also very rude to patronize someone who's rung for a bit of casual support and chat, so I'm not quite ready for what, experience dictates, would be a one-sided apology.
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Old 06-28-2009, 03:24 PM   #14
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ok. rung and left a msg, yes I know it's not ideal but I do know this guy and 10 to 1 no, odds on, he was sat there monitoring the calls. or he'd come in and dial 1471 and find a silent call from me.

"Hi. Hm. Maybe you're eating or maybe you're hiding from the phone. I'm sorry I hung up on you. I felt that you were patronizing my choice of [place of employment] and I didn't like it; but I shouldn't have hung up. Maybe talk to you again soon.'


I said it nicely.



I still think he was bl**dy rude though.
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Old 06-28-2009, 03:45 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ailidh View Post
Windchime - omg, you're me! I'm so sorry. :wink: I really, genuinely think I'm a bother to people, when (the occasional) invitations suggest that might not be the case. I'll work on that, and I'll work on doing some research into places/opportunities to make friends. Hll, if I can lose weight, I can do this.

Susie - no, I don't like it but I'm not saying you're wrong. Not ready to say you're right either lol. It is also very rude to patronize someone who's rung for a bit of casual support and chat, so I'm not quite ready for what, experience dictates, would be a one-sided apology.
Good girl! Try to just tell yourself that you will accept the next invitation that comes your way, if it's at all reasonable. Maybe you'll skip the invitation to participate in the pie-eating contest, but if it's reasonable please consider accepting. I think a lot of the time, us shy types tend to not even realize that we are passing up activities that could turn out to be a lot of fun.

And maybe it's time for you and DF to take a break. You did just spent a lot of time together and maybe you need a bit of a break from him. And since you'll be busy accepting other invitations as they come along (or perhaps issuing invitations of your own!), you may find that you're less willing to fully accept a friendship where the apologies seem to be one-sided. Not saying that you should cut him off, but often we find that as we widen our social circle, we can change the status quo of our current friendships.

Good luck!
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