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Why can't I just take the compliment?

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Old 06-03-2009, 09:55 AM   #1
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Default Why can't I just take the compliment?

I get so mad at myself after the fact. Sometimes I hear the following comments " You look great ~ You're so skinny ~ If you keep losing you're gonna dissapear " you get the idea, I will say something like oh thanks, but I still have a ways to go. After the fact I always feel like I"m belittling the compliment others went out of their way to give me. Why can't I just stop at thanks, or thanks, I feel so much better now that I've lost 80 pounds, or something like that....it's always thanks....BUT ...... I mean I do have more weight to lose, but why not just be grateful that ppl are saying how great I look in the now? Why trump that with a negative?

ugh, vent over.
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Old 06-03-2009, 10:06 AM   #2
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I'm the same way. In fact, compliments make me feel very very uncomfortable. I think the negative comments I say afterwards help the situation not be so awkward. That's just my 2 cents.
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Old 06-03-2009, 10:06 AM   #3
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I don't know the why but I do know that our response can be trained, in just the same way as 'no' to a plate of cookies becomes automatic.

Next time someone says something kind about your weightloss, take a breath and just say 'thanks'. Honestly, it's just a matter of training and we Successful Losers are good at that, aren't we?
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Old 06-03-2009, 10:18 AM   #4
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When I was little, and just beginning to sing solos in church, I'd always get compliments... and I never knew how to handle them. I'd mumble something like "thanks... but it was just a song..."

My mom took me aside one day and read me the riot act. She explained that for the people who complimented me, they were celebrating with me. It was unutterably rude of me to be so disrespectful as to not only ignore the compliment, but to tell them they were wrong to boot.

She made me practice answering gracefully. I remember looking in the mirror in my room, imagining someone thanking me for a song, and then acting out my response. "Thank you. I'm so glad you enjoyed it." "Thank you so much. I really enjoyed singing for you." "Thank you. *smile* It's a great joy of mine to worship God through my music."

As time went on, it's become automatic. I still get compliments on my singing. And I still use the same phrases, and mean them, that I practiced so long ago. My husband has even remarked on it, and on how I try to make each person who compliments me feel like I appreciate the gift they've given me.

And the compliments ARE gifts. The person who compliments you doesn't know who else has said soemthing, or what they've said. They don't know how far you've come, nor do they care how far you've to go. They are sharing a celebration with you, now, at the moment you're at. That should be acknowledged and thanked. They don't want to know that you've got another 50 pounds to lose. They are focusing on now. I know you're focusing on the whole thing, but they are connecting at one point along your journey.

So you may want to try some role-playing. I know it worked really well for me. Imagine someone complimenting you, then look in the mirror and practice how you'd like to answer. Keep at it until you get the phrasing comfortable, and you learn to stop before you say more than you should.

Soon enough, it will be second nature.
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Old 06-03-2009, 10:18 AM   #5
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I think a lot of people are unhappy with their bodies so when they get a compliment they don't agree with it. It's like you've almost conditioned yourself to not receive compliments well. I used to be the same way- my husband would say you look great or you are beautiful and I'd be like ug no I'm fat. One day he was like dude just take the compliment! And I remember watching something about self esteem and how you should just take the compliment and pretty soon you'll start to be more happy to accept comments- it just takes time to break your previous conditioning.

Since you've lost 80 lbs I'm sure you are much happier with your body. Next time you receive a compliment do not say anything else but THANK YOU. Believe their compliment- tell yourself, yeah, they are right- I do look great.
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Old 06-03-2009, 10:29 AM   #6
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It took me several months before I truly meant, "thank you" when someone noticed my weight. Now, I really DO appreciate it when someone gives me a compliment. Before, I was not accustomed to receiving ANY attention and wasn't sure how to react--honestly, I questioned the sincerity sometimes of the person giving me the compliment. Now I usually say, "thank you, I really appreciate you saying that.." because I really do appreciate it. It has been a long road and not just physically--mentally too. I feel more deserving of the compliment more now I guess than I did several months ago.
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Old 06-03-2009, 10:31 AM   #7
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Wow 80lbs! That's amazing! It's tough to accept compliments when you still feel that you have a long way to go but you should really be happy and proud with the weight you have lost because it looks like a lot of people around you are
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Old 06-03-2009, 10:32 AM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by synger View Post

My mom took me aside one day and read me the riot act. She explained that for the people who complimented me, they were celebrating with me. It was unutterably rude of me to be so disrespectful as to not only ignore the compliment, but to tell them they were wrong to boot.

And the compliments ARE gifts. The person who compliments you doesn't know who else has said soemthing, or what they've said. They don't know how far you've come, nor do they care how far you've to go. They are sharing a celebration with you, now, at the moment you're at. That should be acknowledged and thanked. They don't want to know that you've got another 50 pounds to lose. They are focusing on now. I know you're focusing on the whole thing, but they are connecting at one point along your journey.
This is so true. I never looked at a compliment quite like that before. From now on I am going to try to be much more gracious to someone who gives me a compliment! Thanks Synger! Great post!
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Old 06-03-2009, 10:46 AM   #9
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I don`t know but I have a really hard time with it too. I am learning to accept them graciously but wow... it`s hard!
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Old 06-03-2009, 10:47 AM   #10
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Synger, Your response was perfect and beautifully written.
Borntofly, congrats on your success!
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Old 06-03-2009, 11:14 AM   #11
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hmmm.. i don't really SEE that as a negative tho!!! When someone comments "wow you look so great, you've lost a lot of weight" I always say THANKS! I feel great...of course I still have a ways to go - but it's nice to know someone noticed! thanks! ... pretty much what you said, but i don't think that's belittling their comment -- i'm acknowledging it, but also letting them know YES I KNOW I'M STILL FAT lol which is TRUE! I think a HAPPY and ENTHUSIASTIC response is more important so they know they made your day
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Old 06-03-2009, 11:20 AM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by synger View Post
When I was little, and just beginning to sing solos in church, I'd always get compliments... and I never knew how to handle them. I'd mumble something like "thanks... but it was just a song..."

My mom took me aside one day and read me the riot act. She explained that for the people who complimented me, they were celebrating with me. It was unutterably rude of me to be so disrespectful as to not only ignore the compliment, but to tell them they were wrong to boot.

She made me practice answering gracefully. I remember looking in the mirror in my room, imagining someone thanking me for a song, and then acting out my response. "Thank you. I'm so glad you enjoyed it." "Thank you so much. I really enjoyed singing for you." "Thank you. *smile* It's a great joy of mine to worship God through my music."

As time went on, it's become automatic. I still get compliments on my singing. And I still use the same phrases, and mean them, that I practiced so long ago. My husband has even remarked on it, and on how I try to make each person who compliments me feel like I appreciate the gift they've given me.

And the compliments ARE gifts. The person who compliments you doesn't know who else has said soemthing, or what they've said. They don't know how far you've come, nor do they care how far you've to go. They are sharing a celebration with you, now, at the moment you're at. That should be acknowledged and thanked. They don't want to know that you've got another 50 pounds to lose. They are focusing on now. I know you're focusing on the whole thing, but they are connecting at one point along your journey.

So you may want to try some role-playing. I know it worked really well for me. Imagine someone complimenting you, then look in the mirror and practice how you'd like to answer. Keep at it until you get the phrasing comfortable, and you learn to stop before you say more than you should.

Soon enough, it will be second nature.
Your post made tears come to my eyes, what wonderful insight, thank you.
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Old 06-03-2009, 11:26 AM   #13
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I am not sure why a compliment makes us uncomfortable, but congratulations on your weight loss!
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Old 06-03-2009, 12:16 PM   #14
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Synger--your Mom is a very wise woman! Good for her (and you).

In my world you must deflect a compliment otherwise you are "letting it go to your head" and indulging in the sin of pride. Nonsense--and as your Mom pointed out, deflecting can be rude to others who are being kind. So that's a much needed perspective shift for me, thanks!

Congrats Born to Fly! You are doing so well! Now, go practice in a mirror, lol!
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Old 06-03-2009, 12:42 PM   #15
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I have so many issues with this and I'm trying to be better about it.

You are doing awesome work and you should be very proud of your accomplishments!
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