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I am changing

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Old 02-07-2009, 11:05 AM   #1
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Default I am changing

I started typing this as a response to the why do you want to lose weight thread but thought I'd post it as a new thread.

I see so many people saying they're narcassistic for wanting to look good or worrying what others may think...

I don't think it's narcacisstic to want to improve the way you look, nor do I believe in judging anyone who cares what others think. I'd be lying if I said that didn't matter to me. Lying if I said I've never walked into a room and sized up the crowd to see if I'm the fattest one.

In my teens (I've been overweight most of my life!) that was pretty much my only motivation for wanting to lose weight. In my twenties...still pretty much my only motivation. Kids did change it...I want to be healthy for them but still...when they were babies I didn't give much thought to my mortality and how it related to my weight.

Heading into my 30's and just before starting this journey in September I had finally come to terms with my appearance. I believed "I am who I am and I make no apologies for it." I stopped worrying about if I was the fattest, if I was being judged because I was fat. I knew I was worthy of friendships, I had come to terms with me. I was funny, smart, kind, loving, pretty (even if I WAS fat) and I really did like myself. Finally!!

At 36 I realized that yes, I was all of those things BUT still...I was killing myself! How can I believe I'm so worthy and yet still choose to put things in my mouth that were slowly killing me? I understand now, that my "I am who I am and if you don't like me for it that's your problem" attitude was for me a defense mechanism and that I didn't like me for being fat. For making poor choices.

Since choosing this journey I've forgiven myself (sounds SO corny but it's true) for making those choices and I've praised myself for deciding to change. I feel better, have more energy and I can't wait to meet the woman I'll be when I reach my goal! I started to type "at the end of this journey" and I realized this journey will never end, I will reach my goal but I've changed now forever and I'm happy with that. Ecstatic with it actually!

I think this is a turning point for me, 20 weeks of this new life style and 50lbs+ down and still a long way to go but I really believe it gets easier as you go along!

How do you think this journey is changing you?
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Old 02-07-2009, 12:10 PM   #2
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Wow, Michelle! 50 lbs. in 20 weeks! You're doing an amazing job at this!

I've been at this weight loss thing a looooong time, too. I will be 42 in June. My very first "real" diet was undertaken when I was in 8th grade. I ate an apple a day. That's it. Unless I was really hungry, then I'd eat a peanut butter sandwich - with no jelly, of course. I also drank copious amounts of Tab. (Does anyone remember Tab? Do they still make that stuff?) I don't remember how much weight I lost, but I do remember I was down to 103 lbs. and I was about 5'4" tall. No one told me I looked anorexic (and I *must* have!). I got kudos from everyone about how great I looked. Of course, that's what it was all about back then - looking good for the boys. (Specificially, Marc P., who never so much as glanced my way even when I was tiny! )

I spent years yo-yoing and falling into some extremely disordered eating, which I won't describe here because it makes me shaky and, also, I don't want to trigger anyone else's ED. It was all about looking good. Looking back, my worst periods of disordered eating came after a comment about my weight.

I had actually become friends with my body for a while, back about ten years ago. I weighed about 155 lbs. and was exercising regularly. Then I became a teacher in a low-income, critical needs school with a LOT of problems. My naivete smacked me in the face and I ran for cover under food. I gained sixty pounds in nine months, and have not been under 227 lbs. since.

I finally decided the same thing you did, Michelle. I decided I was just destined to be fat, and that was all there was to it. I figured if food was a vice, well, it wasn't as bad as cigarettes or Jack or adultery or smoking crack. I was fine with it.

And then, in November, my mom was diagnosed with Stage IV breast cancer. I took a leave of absence from work and went home to help my sister care for her through that first round of doctor visits and radiation and the whole nine yards. I love my mom, and I would (and probably will) do it all again, but it was HARD. It was hard to see her cry when she finally lost the last little tuft of hair on her head. It was hard to spring up at 2:00 AM when she went into a coughing fit (she's got a tumor on her lung, too) and needed a breathing treatment. It was hard to see her gasp for air after walking ten feet, and to help her clean up after she couldn't make it to the bathroom in time.

Obesity is a big risk factor for breast cancer. I am obese. (Morbidly so, in fact.) Over that four weeks of taking care of Mom, I made the decision: I don't ever want my daughter (she's 19) to have to take care of me like that. I don't want her to experience that worry, or to have to put on the face that, hey, everyone pees their pants and loses their hair just so I don't feel worse.

That's why I'm here. That's why I'm doing this - for real this time. It really isn't about great clothes or a sexy body for my husband. (He can't get enough of me now as it is, and I weigh more than he does! ) It really is about my health.
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270.8/215.0/199.8


mini-goals:
get out of the 230s by July 23rd: Met 7/23/2009
52 lbs. in 52 weeks (12/31/2009): Met 10/29/2009
Onederland:
180 (driver's license weight):
170.8 (100 lbs. lost):
160 (10 lbs to go!):
150 (final goal):
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Old 02-07-2009, 03:17 PM   #3
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Wow -

You ladies are amazing, both of you.

And Michelle over 50 pounds in months - simply amazing. You are an inspiration.

Angie
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Old 02-07-2009, 03:45 PM   #4
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Stories like these two are why I came here. SOOOO inspiring!

Thank you both for sharing
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Old 02-07-2009, 03:52 PM   #5
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Blimey Michelle what an excellent post! I'm going to print that out.

I'm very impressed. Also, you are very pretty.
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Old 02-08-2009, 10:02 AM   #6
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Jennelle, thank you for that honest and beautiful post. I wish you SO much success...I know you will do this! You have experienced some major changes on this journey...hugs for the painful ones and congrats on the triumphs!!
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